re-evaluating myself

warning...its a long one


Im going through a stage of questioning why i am like i am and analyzing everything about our relationship and the activities we engage in. He says He went through similar years ago but has now accepted He is who He is, and i know that there are probably no answers and i have no doubt in a few days i will get over it. Its not about having doubts, im happy and secure, i love Him very much and i know that He loves me, its more me needing an explanation of what makes me enjoy what i do and i suppose fear as well, fear of what im becoming or maybe what i already am.

Why do i like being beaten?, why is it that sometimes when He is cruel to me, i crave more?, why will i do things i really dislike to please Him?, all these why's keep going through my head, tormenting me and i dont have any answers. Ok im submissive but why to Him? its not like i am in other parts of my life, passive to a certain extent but im certainly not a walk over, maybe its because of His nature and i respond to the fact that He is dominant but then if that was the case surely it would apply to all dominant people, and thats not the case, if anything i begrudge being submissive to others.

Im also wandering why i dont cry when He hurts me sometimes, the closest i have come from crying from physical pain is when He used the whip on my back but that was ages ago. I have cried when i have been disobedient and He has verbally expressed His displeasure, most notably when i spoke to Him really badly recently and i was punished so i tend to think its connected to my frame of mind, if i sense He is disappointed in me i get upset even though some of those times its my own fault.

What i do know is that in many ways i have it good as a slave compared to some, and i think at times i have a tendency to take this for granted, i read an intresting article about "false entiltilement" which occurs when a slave begins to see "things" or situations as her "right" an example could be expressing an opinion or using the toilet, are these "rights" or are they privilages? He does allow me to express myself, i have this blog for example and i am quite verbal at times especially if i have a strong opinion about something, the only restriction is when i do give an opinion it should be given in a respectful manner. I know that at times im not as respectful as i should be, sometimes He will pick up on this and other times not, but He could should He want to take away my "right" to an opinion because it could be said that as a slave my opinion is not important, its a privilage and as such can be removed. As for going to the toilet im meant to ask permission (when we are together) if i wish to go, i very rarely do unless reminded and have taken it for granted that He would never refuse, so again this is not a "right" that i am entitled too.

The point im getting to is i think im at a point where i need Him to be harder and i dont mean just as in beating me harder although thats a definite, but more of not letting things slip, not allowing me a "get out" like with the punishment i had due previously, i got out of it. My problem is i cant actually say it to Him, i can write it down and i did text Him saying i wanted Him to be harder on me but to actually say it i cant, because then there is no going back and when He is harder i know many aspects of it i may not like even though its what i think i need in order to be a better slave. I expect Him to read my mind and intrepret what i want and need which of course is unreasonable so then i realise how can i be a good slave when i keep things from Him, i dont mean lying, but more when i know i have behaved as i shouldnt i should ask to be disciplined instead of counting on Him overlooking it, it is then His choice and not mine to make on whether He will or not.

So really its not just about Him being harder on me its about me re-evaluating how i behave, i know i have a tendency of relying on Him forgetting when i have been told off and am due a punishment, and i have even become quite cocky about it. This is not good and im going to make an effort to put that right because if im held responisble for remembering what He has said then it stands to reason that my behaviour should improve because i figure if i have to remind Him i have a punishment due im going to be more wary of how i behave wheras as now im complacent and bank on getting out of it. Plus having to remind Him if He has forgotten i wouldnt like as i find it hard to ask for things i dont like, so asking to be punished would be bloody hell for me.

difference perspectives

I have been chatting to a couple on and off for a while now and i cant take to them, of course this bears no difference on whether we meet with them or not and i suppose its only a matter of time that we meet people im not struck on. Its just from chatting to them it appears we have very different outlooks, i think i pissed the man off because i wouldnt address him as sir or master and until told otherwise i wont, the way i see it is i have one (Master that is) and its not a term i care to use for any tom dick or harry that proclaim themselves to be dominant. If im honest even when im told to i wont like it, to me it diminishes what it means and what it represents.

Then there is this whole issue of being the "perfect slave" which does not exist, what does exist is being the best slave that you can be for your Master/Mistress which of course means ones expectations may differ from the next, and im certainly not that yet, i try hard but im a long way off from meeting His expectations. The women seems to have an ideal of how the "perfect" slave should behave which is fine as i have said time and time again the term slave means different to different people. What i find infuriating is the need to be competitive or in her words "to see who is the better slave" for fucks sake its like being back at school again, so how exactly is that proved........... by who can take the most cane strokes, the most needles etc? Or maybe its who behaves more appropriately because this another thing that i dont get about them, they seem to have this obsession with "punishment", which is something else i dont get.

To me punishment is given to correct unwanted behaviour, and generally something i wont like, usually im not punished for failing an activity as long as i try my best......of course this depends on the circumstances. When i spoke to the man he made a point of saying he would make sure i did fail just to have the excuse to punish me, well me being me couldnt let that go by without responding. I replied saying that would unlikey happen as im not punished as long as i try my best and its my Masters call to say whether i have tried or not, and that i couldnt see Him letting someone else punish me when they have purposefully set me up to fail, he just said "we will see about that". He is very arrogant and that does nothing for me, very up himself i have the impression he thinks he is gods gift to women, which come to think of about it that reminds me of his sub saying that she wouldnt "play" with anyone she didnt find attractive...........Hmm for someone that says she has the soul of a slave......i think she needs to re-set her way of thinking as it generally dont work like that.

knackered

We had Saturday to ourselves which was nice, the original intention was to meet another couple on the Saturday as well but im glad we didnt as i think it would of been too much, what with the travelling and then the Friday evening i was knackered.

He caned me in the evening fairly hard and it did bloody hurt, He made me count which is something im not too keen on usually as there is the risk of losing count and having to start over. What i do find slightly amusing is when He asks me if i want more, i could of course say no (only allowed to say no if im given a choice) but then i would feel guilty about not taking as much as He would like so i always end up saying "if it pleases you Sir" when really i dont want anymore, and of course He always says yes. I think i drunk more of His pee this time well it certainly felt like it but i will be happy when i get to the point i can drink most if not all.

He used the tawse on my pussy and if i recall i asked Him to and i dont think i will be as keen to again its not as nice as the flogger, can safetly say i dont like it used there its not a very nice kind of ouch.

Overall i think the weekend went well my only complaint is He wouldnt beat me on the Sunday morning (noise was the issue) shall have to make sure next time the accommodation is more suitable especially as it will be my birthday on the Sunday and well i want my birthday beating.

meeting others

The couple we had arranged to meet are not really into D/s as such, more swinging and anal play so meeting a couple like us was new to them. We had a glass of wine first to relax with before getting down to "it", there play area was in their garage which was amusing as you had to go through the garden to get to it, just hope they havent got any nosy neighbours that could be hard to explain, half naked women walking through the garden.

He clamped my breasts and i was then bent over a bench, whilst He was caning me they were pinching and pulling at my nipples, her bloody nails was the worst they dug in and i dont think they had any idea how much more sensitive tits are when they are clamped! I remember at one point she had a go at caning me and it was ok, my attention was more focused on my tits that were throbbing and i was relieved that no clamps were put on them. I was then stood up and tied with arms and legs spread in an X position, He whipped me not as hard as He has done but enough to get me squirming, the man in the couple attached some clamps to my nipples (very padded so they didnt hurt) but they was attached to an electrical device so hmm not so sure about that on the lowest setting it wasnt too bad but any higher and it wasnt pleasureable at all.



Then came the part i wasnt sure about, i had a strap-on with the intention of putting it in the man ass, at first i thought it was quite cool but not obviously having a cock i was concerned about how hard to push etc....i didnt want to hurt him. I didnt enjoy it at all, it did nothing for me sexually and i found the whole experience quite bizarre from my perspective, whilst i was ramming this dildo up his ass, his partner was putting a dildo down his mouth and twisting his nipples. I was impressed with how much nipple pain he could take if it was me i would of been screaming the place down (nipple torture is a weak area for me). It felt like an eternity (i found just shoving a dildo up his ass boring), i think i would have enjoyed it more if i was being beaten at the same time at least that would of broke the monotony although he might not have thought so as i would have probably rammed a lot harder (mmm theres a thought)!!

Then it was my turn, she put a strap-on on and first used it in my pussy, i didnt like this at all it hurt but not a normal hurt it just wasnt right and i think she thought i wasnt being co-operative which wasnt the case i just knew it didnt feel right and my instinct was too fight against it which i did. Then it was my ass which was uncomfortable more than painful i know i took as much as i could and i was pleased with myself how much i managed especially when i saw the size of the damn thing, i think if i had seen it before it was used i would have freaked but overall i was satisfied. We had a bit of a break then and i sucked my Masters cock and the other women asked to as well so i figured i better ask Him if i should suck the other mans which i did. Its something im still not sure about (sucking another mans cock that is) i wouldnt go as far as saying i enjoy it but rather that i do it because its expected, i dont think im naturally inclined to enjoy being used sexually by others, it bothers me more than i thought it would.

Well then came His favourite part i had to go down on her, no change there i didnt like it before and i still dont like it, it cant be just me that thinks it tastes bloody horrible surely, mind you she wasnt exactly a very responsive women, a corpse would have probably been more reactive (not that im into necrophilia). He fucked me in the ass whilst i was licking her which was the only enjoyable part of it, i didnt put a lot of effort in and she did comment on that afterwards which made me cringe as i thought that would get me in trouble with Him. As it happens He let it slide which did surprise me considering the deal was that if i didnt do a good enough effort my punishment (from previous poor behaviour) would still stand.

What i enjoyed most was being tied in the X and beaten and i would want to do that again, as well as try out the sex swing they had but more for the possibilities it has for torture rather than the sex. I did ask for needles and He obliged and i enjoyed them and wanted more but it was getting late, im finding with needles i need to be in the mood for them which of course doesnt always work that way. Anyway overall i would gladly meet with them again they were a genuine nice couple which is a rarity and it would be nice to explore more possibilites with them.

another post at last..

Its been quite a while since i have posted and im not sure why as i do enjoy keeping this blog and i do have a fair bit to write about, not least our last time together, so best start with that really.

It was nice as He was able to finish work early on the Friday and therefore meant we was able to spend more time together which is always a good thing. We visited a sex shop which sold various bdsm gear before heading to the hotel, trouble is so much to choose from, a bit like being a kid in a sweet shop, but i settled on a tawse because its something previously i hated (previous Dom i was with had one) and i suppose part of me wanted to know if it was as bad as i remembered thinking it was, it was way back then my nemesis, like the whip is now.

By the time we got to the hotel room i was desperate to try the damn thing out, well it had been a while since having any pain and patience isnt my strongest point as in i dont have any, got to suck His cock first though that was a bonus as the last few times He has made me wait and its been pain first. Wasnt long though before i was asking Him to beat me with the tawse and it was ouchy but not as bad as i remember thinking it was, then the cane well i do like the cane so that was nice and i asked for more and then a nice hard ass fucking with no lube it fucking hurt but i loved it.

Was a bit nervous as we had arranged to meet a couple that evening although i wasnt as bad as i would normally be as i had talked to them both on numerous occassions so i felt pretty relaxed and confident. I think my only concern was that i would mess up, i always fear that especially as i know my temperment with other women especially ones that have a dominant trait, its just not in my nature to be passive with a women thats a complete bitch this is most likely because i know im capable of being a bitch myself.

It was a good evening and i enjoyed most aspect of it, too much to put it one post so will continue tomorrow.

expectations

He gave me the option of finding a women or a couple for when we meet and if successful and i did well with the other women then the whip strokes would be reverted back to the original 150. At first i thought that sounded reasonable but on thinking about it i would rather have 300 whip strokes, of course He will most likely search for a women or couple still but at least it means i dont have to because its just exhausting and most of the time there timwasters and i just havent got the enthusiasm to deal with prats.

I have been thinking over this quite a bit lately (other people that is) and im sure He thinks im just being awkward and difficult but im not and wheras before i would get upset especially when He would make references that being a slave i should enjoy it because it pleases Him now i dont. Not because i dont believe this to be true but more because goddam it i am a good slave, not perfect by any means but i try and ultimately i will do it. So does it make me a bad slave that i find being with other women distasteful? i dont think so, should i downright refuse to do it then that would be different but i wouldnt do that. Does it make a bad slave because i dont enjoy it? no because thats the same as saying as i should enjoy getting 300 strokes of the whip because He will enjoy giving them, but i wont.

I wish i did enjoy and was keen to be with another women, it would certainly make it a lot easier, but i cant change how i am no matter how much He may want me to and i think thats what i find difficult to understand, the fact is i will do it but expecting me to enjoy it and be keen seems unrealistic. I understand what He says about i should because it pleases Him, i get that totally, but at what expense, how far do i have to go and what do i have to do to prove myself to Him, where does it end.

The thing is its not that i completely detest it at all, because as i said in previous post i get off on doing it because i have to, what i have a problem with is the expectation to act naturally when its not something im naturally drawn to, i cant "make-love" or be "intimate" with another women not in the sense of enjoying it.

a response

After having read the first comment left on my blog it did disturb me that i was perceived as having low self esteem and lacking in self confidence, but after reading through a few of my recent posts i can see how this could of been interpreted to appear this way, and as this is my blog i want to rectify that once and for all.

Im 32 years old, of sound mind, reasonably intelligent and know myself well enough to know what is right for me. My vanilla life is good, i have a good family network, great friends, a job im very happy in and good at, to dispel any thoughts that i dont have a "normal" life i figured i should point out that indeed i do lead a very normal everyday life, full most likely of the same shit that everyone has, but this blog isnt about my "vanilla" life it is about my relationship with my Master which although is not able to be 24/7 living together is just as important to me and i dont switch off from being His slave when we are not together, i am always His slave.

Im not going to go down the route of what a slave should be or how they should behave because it may well differ from one person to the next, what matters to me is what He expects from me, i have said before that i chose to be His slave but it wasnt something i just one day announced or decided, it was more a natural progression which happened very quickly. Initially it was me that chose to give up my safeword there was no pressure from Him to do so, not that im against them but this is about what was right for me and really was the start of me becoming His slave. I strongly believe that it was the right decision and have no regrets, i admit the enormity of what being His slave meant did not really hit me until the moment i was put in a situation i would rather not have been in and didnt want to do. The situation that comes to mind is the first time we "played" with another couple which is something i was very apprehensive about, the male in the couple was of very large build to the point of being obese and was certainly not someone i was attracted to in any way at all.

We met in a pub to have dinner, all four of us, and it was pleasant enough as the evening progressed the decision was made to go back to theirs if all was happy with that. The point of whether i would be happy to go back to their place was not discussed between my Master and myself because it was irrelevant, it was His decision to make if there was any doubt of my level of submission to Him it would have first been apparrent then, i could have expressed my distate for the man and declined to go ahead, out of politeness i could have waited until i was in the car alone with my Master to express that i had no interest but i didnt and the thought of doing so did not cross my mind. The point is i was not bullied and certainly not dragged kicking and screaming into this situation, i knew beforehand that this moment would arrive, we discussed my concerns and fears, my driving force was like any submissive/slave and that is the desire and need to please.

As our relationship has progressed and deepened so too has my level of submission, and im discovering more about myself that is sometimes scary but mostly is liberating. I dont understand why i am like i am, i stopped trying to figure that out a long time ago, im a masochist (dictionary definition: "a person who gains sexual gratification through pain, deprivation or degredation") and i fit that description, the more pain im in the more aroused i am even when its pain i dont like and would rather not have. What i do like though is enduring the pain and often i berate myself for not being able to take as much as i would like and what He would like to give, i love the adrenilin rush of being scared and vunerable, the more horrible He is the more excited i am.

I suppose where it may be difficult to understand and could be misinterpreted is that i enjoy having to do things i dont like, which as i type this i know does not make much sense so i can only try to explain as best as i can. My primary enjoyment is being dominated, the less control i have the more secure and content i am. An example is my dislike for going down on a women, i havent enjoyed the act itself (and could happily not have to do it again) but having to do it because its what He enjoys fulfills my need for being dominated and for as long as i feel controlled at these times i can endure it, and this applies to other activities i dont like. Overall i am happy but (there is always a but) these are my needs and His are what comes first but the point to remember is that if i did not have these needs then i wouldnt be here, because to fill my needs/desires means submitting to His, that is the core of the relationship and what it is built upon.

The reality is sometimes its not nice, i dont like Him very much when He is doing something to me im not liking, i get upset, i think He is being unreasonable, but if it wasnt this way then it would only be my needs getting met, which is not how it should be and defines the difference (in my opinion) between slave and sub, i cannot and do not want the choice of what He does to me and when it stops. He is a sadist (look that up yourself in a dictionary if you need to) so obviously some of His enjoyment comes from inflicting pain on me and yes especially pain i dislike, im not "beaten up" im beaten and if i happen to enjoy it, which i do on occassions thats a bonus if i dont well thats just too bad.

What i do know though at these times is i may well be hurting and suffering but im safe, i know this because i trust His judgement, His ability but most of all i know He would never damage me, hurt me yes and there is a difference. Think of it as having a favourite very expensive car, you enjoy using it a great deal and therefore you want to be able to use it again and again, so it needs to be taken care of after each use. He has never beaten me in anger, He has never had to shout or lose His temper in order to gain my complience, on the times i verbally resist He is firm and in control this calms me and i submit willingly. That being said we are both human and errors can be made on both our parts, i struggle with my submission at times and this manifests itself in a number of ways, i can be stroppy, insecure and worst of all disrespectful. As His slave His expectations of me are not unrealistic, to be obedient, loyal and respectful comes to mind, when i falter i look to Him to correct me because i want and need to please Him and also because i want to better myself.



On the flip side of the coin however, there is no shortage of comfort, support and cuddles, in fact its me who has asked Him to beat me and then leave me for a period of time (when i say leave i mean in the context of being made to stay in postion and ignored) because it appeals to my fondness for degredation and dehumanisation (this is something i should add that as yet He has never done). The only time i get no immediate comfort or words of encouragment is when i am being punished and nor at those times would i deserve or should expect it as it would be my poor behaviour that has got me punished in the first place. Which leads to the point of what prompted me to write this post in the first place.


I spoke to Him extremely disrespectfully, there is no excuse for my behaviour, that is not to say i am not allowed to express my feelings as i am as long as it is done in a respectful way and mindful of my place as His slave, i failed on both these counts. I was given a punishment at home and when next we meet 150 strokes of the whip, i then soon after masturbated without permission and was made worse by the fact that it was just after i had been granted permission to masturbate as i took my punishment well, the strokes have then been increased to 300.


This may well seem over the top but i pushed Him too far and now i face the consequences, of course im scared its going to bloody hurt a lot and is far more than what i know i can handle, but i know its no more than what i deserve and need. Previous punishments for similar offences have not had the desired effect, it is severe but i only have myself to blame, not only have i disappointed Him but i let myself down.

To finish off, should it ever get to the point where He feels the need to send me to someone else to punish me, that would probably be the point in which i walk away because i would see that as being a rejection and that i couldnt and wouldnt cope with.

At the end of the day im really not concerned with what others may think of my relationship with Him, i shouldnt have to explain myself to people that i dont know and nor do they know me.

masturbating

The whipping has increased from 150 strokes to 300 as i masturbated without His permission. This is something i have a problem with and i know He is exasperated with me but i know i can do it (ie stop doing it) i think personally i have got better than what i was and overall i think im getting improving but in this specific area i struggle. I think its like a habit and bad habits generally are conquered with changing particular patterns that make a habit a habit, i have always from late teens masturbated frequently, i guess on average a couple times a week sometimes more, so i need to break that mould which i have to a certain extent. When i think about it, its a bit like smoking, when we first met i smoked but He asked me if i would give it up, which i did, however on the very odd occassion i will have one but i can now go months without one and its similar to my masturbating. I think maybe by not being able to ask to masturbate and by only being allowed to on the rare occassion such as when we are together i could break the pattern, it seems the more im allowed to (which He generally does allow me to when i ask) i seem to mess up, i wander if this would work?

As it it stands should i do so again He says He will find someone locally to punish me, which naturally im completley against because i would hate it, but i dont think this is the answer im more inclined to try the method of not having very often and having them as a reward only. This i think would be far more effective as it would break the pattern that i have gotten into plus the longer in between orgasms the more intense they are.

He has suggested that should anyone read this blog (some must do occassionaly as i get the odd comment) that they may have suggestions on ways i could be punished. Im not sure i like this idea but its what i have been instructed to put (see i can do as im told most of the time, im not really bad).

punishment

I have had part of my punishment this lunchtime, He texted me to make sure i had everything ready which i did have, butt plug was out and glass of my piss, for once i wasnt looking forward to Him phoning. When He called i had to confirm why i was being punished and that i accepted that i deserve it then i was instructed to put the butt plug in, it was uncomfortable as it was and hadnt yet been inflated but then its always been that way, for some reason i just cant handle the inflatable plug which i find strange as i have enjoyed having bottles up my ass. I had 4 pumps altogether, its hard to describe the pain but its constant in that it doesnt fade, for as long as the plug is in it hurts and is very uncomfortable, makes me feel very nauseous. I was crying but then i was worked up before He phoned but i knew i would especially when He verbally expresses His disappointment and He made it clear that should i speak to Him in a disrespectful manner again i will get the plug inflated a lot more and He couldnt care less whether i bled or not.

I then had to drink my piss, it smelled disgusting and tasted just as bad, i figured the best way would be to take big mouthfuls instead of prolonging it by taking sips, after 2 mouthfuls i tried to ask for no more but He wasnt having any of it so 3 more mouthfuls and it was down, the aftertaste was disgusting. I asked if i could remove the plug but He wouldnt let me for the time being and it was hurting i think if it wasnt for the distraction of the butt plug i would have found it a lot harder to drink the piss but because i wanted the plug out as soon as possible i knew i had to drink it quick.

When He did allow me to take it out, He made me clean it using my mouth, i can accept all of the above because i knew i deserved it but i dont think i deserved to have to do that, and that has upset me.

Im not sure how i feel at the moment, upset and alone comes to mind, anyway i think a bath and a couple glasses of brandy will be nice just about now. I cant think clearly at the moment probably would of been better writing this later.

monday

I crossed the line really badly with Him on Saturday by speaking to Him very disrespectfully, i dont have any excuses, i have my reasons of what caused me too but they are private, basically i let my emotions get the better of me.

Im not very good with keeping my emotions in check, i need to realise and remember that my feelings, happiness etc are not important and that only His pleasure is, i have to try harder because i pushed Him too far and will be severely punished.

Tomorrow as part of my punishment i will have to drink a glass of my own piss and when we are together next i will be whipped on bottom, back and breasts, 50 strokes on each. Im scared but its what i deserve because im not good and He could do a lot better than me really.

im sorry im a disapointment Sir and i do love you

spoons, canes and plugs!!

I will never underestimate the use of kitchen tools again, in fact its becoming clear to me there is no need to spend a fortune in a bdsm shop when the kitchen provides a lot cheaper array of torturous implements. There was a fairly largish wooden spoon which He decided to use and my god that bastard thing was agony that i was squirming desperatley to get away in minutes and i mean 1 or 2 minutes literally. It was made worse by the fact that i absolutley detest being laid over His knee and i even said i would rather be bent over the chair which just landed me harder smacks, well thats if they could have possibly got any harder. The thing is i know there is no way i would have stayed in postion if i was made to bend over a chair because He had to hold me down as it was and i have never struggled as much as i did then, one thing i am sure of is i think its highly unlikely i would like paddles if the wooden spoon is anything to go by. Also usually He uses His hand first and when He does move onto using an implement its usually pretty moderate to start this time the bastard just when straight in with the goddam spoon and the difference is very telling...no warm up and it bloody hurts a lot more.



Now the cane is different altogether, i think it will always be my favourite when im relaxed and the strokes are moderately spaced i can "float" and the pain no longer registers and i love it, although it doesnt take much to bring me out of that state of bliss if the strokes suddenly become more forceful or the pace they are applied changes then it throws me and the pain starts kicking in immediatley. I would like to try having more regular canings over a course of a weekend because sometimes after a caning even when He ends them with harder strokes if given a rest of 15/20 mins i want it again. Because i do tend to enjoy the cane and i want to be able to take harder canings i would rather it was not used as punishment because i dont want to taint my enjoyment of it because im realistic enough to realise that should He want to really cause me a great deal of pain with it He could and would.

Then we move onto something horrible again...the inflatable butt plug which is just well horrible, not in a painful way but rather really uncomfortable to the point it makes me feel sick which is not a pleasant feeling at all. To make it worse He made me spread my own ass so He could insert it which was humiliating in a way i didnt like, i did deflate and remove it without His permission hoping for some insane brief moment He wouldnt put it back in but He did of course, and He pulled it out when it was pumped up which did hurt but at that point i couldnt care less i just wanted the damn thing out.

needles

I got needles put in my nipples, didnt think i would like it now i know i dont like it, it fucking hurts in a sharp way and it lingers longer than when needles are just inserted into my tits, i wasnt restrained which made it worse in my mind as i prefer to be in a position that i have to accept what He does rather than attempt to resist. I did put up a minor struggle at first, i think what surprises me looking back on it is that i didnt throw a verbal tantrum but i never do when im actually face to face with Him im too scared, but it has highlighted to me that i still struggle with obeying immediatly in some circumstances and this is something im not sure how to overcome, although it does tend to be when its something new.


I didnt like Him very much when He did it and especially when He asked me if i wanted the needle in the other nipple as it was a pointless question, as much as i wanted to say no i knew He would be disappointed and contrary to what He may think i do try hard to please Him so i had to say yes. I was infuriated because He felt between my legs and i knew He was doing it to make a point that if i was wet then i must have enjoyed it and with stimulation i did orgasm but im not even going there. Im struggling to exactly put into words what i feel about it, because im not sure if im just having a minor sulk that He did it. It hurt taking them out as well, i was standing in the bath slowly pulling them out when it would have probably been better just to pull them out fast but i tend to not go about things the easiest way. What i am sure about is i dont like it, would be happy not to have it done again but thats very unlikely.

punishment

Well another weekend over with Him and as usual it was very good, albeit i didnt think so at some moments, not going to write in any particular order just what comes to mind as i go, which has to be needles really and my punishment because those are what i was dreading the most.

I wasnt really well behaved when it came to my punishment, from the moment He told me what it was going to be (20 lashes of whip on back and 10 needles in my ass) i was trying my upmost to get out of it, which i promised myself and Him i wouldnt do but nevertheless i attempted to sway Him but He wasnt budging. However (i cant believe im going to write this, but the point of this blog is to be truthful..so here it goes) the whipping wasnt that bad, certainly didnt hurt as much as when He previously used it on my back and not even as much as a wooden spoon He used when we arrived (but i will get to that in a bit). I wouldnt go as far as saying i enjoyed it because i didnt..it did hurt but nowhere near as much as i was expecting it to considering it was a punishment. I didnt get the needles either which at the time i was happy about but i think in hindsight He should have used them because by not doing do so it has only reinforced my belief that my pleading paid off. He chose not to use them because i had behaved well during the whipping which i did with some amazement but really in my mind i should anyway so in effect i was rewarded for taking a punishment well but yet thats no more than what should be expected of me.

Also though i think because i had convinced myself it was going to be really, really horrible and He would be really cruel and i was getting myself worked up over it, when He did whip me (oh i am so fucked when He reads this) it was bearable, i needed to be punished severely and i wasnt well not as much as i deserved to be considering the "list" of my wrongdoings especially the persistant masturbating and touching myself without permission. For my own peace of mind i needed to be repentent and more importantly to have it be enough of a deterrent to not want to have to endure the same punishment or worse again but im not sure it was enough. I dont mean that in the respect that im going to blatantly repeat my unwanted behaviour because i want to be a good slave and i want to improve so its not a case of me thinking im off the hook to do it again but when i do disobey or disappoint Him i need to know that i will not like the consequences one little bit.

A lot to write so will be more posts.

marks

Needed a topic to write about as sometimes i need inspiration and other times i just have things on my mind that i can write about, He suggested i write about being marked.



I like being marked, the cane is my first choice as the marks are so distinctive and because its still my favourite implement, they also can last a while so thats a bonus. I would be dissapointed if i came away from the weekend without being marked although this has never happened yet and i cant forsee it occurring either. To me its a visual representation of being His slave as well as a reminder of our time together when we are apart so i miss them when they have gone, and sometimes they last longer than at other times. Also i have the opinion that if im going to be in pain especially if its a pain i dont particularly like then i want something to show for it, plus because i do like having marks that He has given me on my body i see them as being a sign of endurance ie. as much as i may not have enjoyed it at the time i do get the buzz of having marks to look at for a period of time afterwards.

The whip leaves nice marks as well and they are almost as distinctive as cane marks, i just dont like having to be whipped (especially on the back..really ouchie) to get them. Blood is something else i like and is probably the only good thing that comes from using needles, i love the blood but only my own, watching someone else bleed whether it be a cut on the finger or watching a bdsm video with bleeding makes me queasy, but blood running over my tits is a huge turn on for me.

to consent or not to consent?

I have been pondering lately over the issue of consent and its relevance in an M/s relationship, is it relevant at all?

I am fully aware that upon agreeing to be His slave and it is something i willingly wanted that i would be giving up the right to a safeword and the choice of what i would and would not do, and im sane and intelligent enough to understand what i was agreeing too. I consented to being His slave and i have never had any doubts that it was the right decision for me, its not something i took or do take lightly, but i didnt anticipate until recently how it would make me feel when confronted with something i really dont want to do.

Its the needles, i dont want bloody needles in my nipples, im not being awkward and its not the pain aspect at all that bothers me (although thats a small factor) its the eek factor that i cant explain, i feel sick at the thought of it and its always something i have resisted so far, it doesnt help that last time He used the needles i didnt enjoy it and they are still something i could take or leave i certainly wouldnt be bothered if they wasnt used again..but is that because i didnt like it last time or not.....i dont know. Its also a different feeling and reaction to say the whip or inflatable butt plug which both i dislike and can happily go without, but i endure them because they do hold an appeal in a sado-masochist sort of way as well as the fact that i dont have a choice. Even though i dont have a choice with needles i still cant come to terms or accept the idea of having them in my nipples and im subconciously worried i will throw a tantrum which will no doubt make things much worse as ultimatley if He wants them in the nipples then thats where there going...so why am i finding it so hard to get my head round?

To make it even more bewildering He plans to bring some electrical cable to whip me with (if He remembers) and that will hurt, according to Him it will be very painful yet that doesnt disturb me at all (well not at the moment anyway), yet needles in my nipples is freaking me out..it doesnt make any sense. I also know that He probably anticipates im going to try and get out of it and contrary to what you think Sir i havent wrote this in an effort to sway you.

So no its not something im willingly consenting to, does this make it abuse? no. It makes it an informed decision as in i knew and accepted that there would be occasions such as this that would go against what i want..but then its back to the basics really..its simply not about what i want and thats how it should be.

something else to add to the list

Being the useless slave that i am, i have just earnt another punishment for being sarcastic and as punishment i have to drink a glass of my own piss which is appropriate i guess as it was the subject we was talking about when i decided to be snappy. I dont piss as much as He would like so i guess thats something else along with all the other things i fail at that i have to add to the list of improvements which is becoming so long i have lost sight of any good attributes i have if i have any at all because at the moment i cant think of one darn thing that i do that pleases Him.

rituals

I found a topic about rituals in M/s relationships and im not sure what to make of it, some i find appealing and some i would absolutley hate but i acknowledge that rituals can play an important part in the dynamic, its not something i had thought much of really but it has intrigued me. I did ask Him the other week if i could remove His shoes when He arrives as i like kissing His feet and that could be seen as a ritual if i was to do it all the time, and it has the effect of instantly "putting me in my place" besides i like being at His feet especially when His cock is level with my mouth (but i dont think that is the point).

I dont have a long list of set rules to adhere to, the main ones are: no masturbating without permission (this includes inappropriate touching of myself), no using any "toys" without permission, butt plugs, clamps etc, i think thats it actually. The rest is just common sense i know how He expects me to behave and im becoming used to what He likes/dislikes, so what are the point of rituals? i suppose on the plus side they make it easier to form a habit and therefore has the advantage of conditioning the slave/sub to respond in the desired way. So when i look at it from that angle i wander if by introducing appropriate rituals they could change some of my behaviour, hmm going to think on this i think.

the L word!!!!

After reading a comment left on my blog i have spent some time thinking/dwelling on whether or not love makes a difference in an M/s relationship, i asked Him if the fact that He loves me effects how He treats me (specifically in regards to pain) but apparentley not. I know from my perspective the fact that i love Him as well as trust and respect Him has been a major factor of getting me where i am now, i couldnt imagine wanting to engage in some of the more extreme activities with someone who i didnt love and also did not love me in return.

I dont think love has a negative impact on us as an M/s couple, it certainly doesnt change the fact that He is Master and i am slave, i dont see Him as being less dominant because He tells me He loves me, it makes Him a human being that has emotions and as loving as He can be i know He can also be a right sadistic bastard. I have admitted to Him and in the reply i wrote to the comment in my blog that i have held to the belief that because He loves me i would be able to plea bargain my way out of situations i dont like, im now coming to realise this is far from the truth.

We are not equals and nor would i want us to be, i defer to Him, love has no relevance in how He chooses to use/abuse me, but it is comforting to know that He does love me no matter how hard or cruel He may be at times.

one step forward...two steps back

Sometimes He really frustrates me and i find it hard to keep my mouth shut and not go off on a rant, like today im getting worked up about my list and im not allowed to mention it again, the subject is closed well until the weekend we meet. Well thats all very well for Him, but im getting my knickers in a twist over what He is going to do and i hate not knowing and its eating away at me. And im failing miserably at stopping myself from protesting and saying no to Him, i came close to having another thing added to the bloody list today because of my attitude and then i feel bad especially as i only wrote about improving my behaviour on here a couple days ago.

I feel sometimes that i behave like a child throwing a tantrum because somethings are not going my way, not that this gets me anywhere with Him, because in vanilla life i tend to get a lot of things my own way my attitude at times overlaps into my relationship with Him and obviously being the nature of the relationship it is, this is not appropriate. I have a habit of losing sight of the fact that His pleasure comes before mine and being a slave means no say in how He chooses to use me, He said last week that i have a tendency to forget He is my owner not my partner and that was a bit of a reality jolt because i realised He was right and i do behave disrespectfully more than i should. Im sorry Sir.

my behaviour

Im regretting asking You for some suggestions for topics that i can write about in my blog, i should have known better really. So out of the 2 topics i think i will start with the one i find the hardest.

My behaviour and punishments.

I wrote Him an email a few weeks ago after reflecting on why i have repeatedly masturbated without His permission, and the only conclusion that i could come to was that punishments i have had for this have not been harsh enough to deter me and also the fact that on occassions He has forgotten that a punishment is due. Bearing this in mind therefore i have always felt confident that He would forget again or i could negotiate and lessen the severity of the punishment so the threat of what He might do didnt really deter me.

Anyway what prompted me to reflect on my behaviour was after the last incident, He was really not happy and what He said upset me enough to re-evaluate my behaviour and the consequences of this made me realise that i havent been a good slave and nor will i be if my attitude doesnt change. I want to be a good slave, i want to be able to be put in any situation and obey Him immediatley without complaint or hesitation but im realistic and realise this will not happen overnight. So the first step i felt is to be held accountable for my behaviour and to accept any punishment He decides as i would usually count on Him forgetting or i would plead/beg whatever to get out of it and sometimes i would succeed. I decided to write Him an email because i find it difficult to express sometimes what im thinking verbally plus its hard to ask for something that im really not going to like even though i need it. And i need to be punished severely when my behaviour is not pleasing, obviously it will be something i really hate but thats the point, it needs to be to make it effective.

So i have wrote a list of punishments i have due, this has the benefits of obviously making me not forget and having to actually write my behaviour down makes me feel ashamed, i will take the list with me when we meet next and face the consequences.

There are 5 punishments on the list: masturbating without permission (consistentley), using butt plug without permission, speaking disrespectfully, lying about the gag, not cleaning fingers after masturbating, im trying to make a big effort not to add to it, its bad enough as it is and i figure the weekend will be a difficult one.

Ultimatley as difficult and as painful as it will be, and i suspect i may throw a wobbly, the bottom line is although i dont want it (and i really dont) i need it, sometimes i need Him to be really harsh, because on occassions i get away with more than i should.

fear....

I was reading through some web boards on a bdsm site i like and was quite surprised how many feel that a slave/sub should not be afraid of their Dominant at all, im sure im not alone but in some situations i enjoy the fear of what He is going to do or not knowing what he is going to do.

I compare it too being on a high speed roller coaster, i love the adrenilin rush of fear, being strapped in, heart pumping and then afterwards the "wow" factor of coming back down to earth. Whilst on holiday one ride i went on i came off shaking vowing that i was never going on it again, i felt sick but 3 hours later i was back on it again and loving the fear it enduced. This is comparable sometimes to how i feel with Him, the fear builds and im working myself up and any rational thoughts go out the window especially if He is in a particularly sadistic mood. However i know in rational moments that even when im scared and worked up (which is of course when im not feeling rational) that i trust Him 100% and yes i know He is going to hurt me and sometimes more than i like but it is always done in a safe and sane manner.

Whilst we were away the subject of one of His ex subs came up , not sure how but it did and 6 months ago i would not have entertained the idea of meeting with her at all, but now i feel secure enough that it wouldnt bother me and said that i would be happy to do so. I have been thinking this over the last few days (i think too much about things sometimes) and i still dont have a problem with it but (of course there has to be a but) what if she wants more than what is on offer?, i couldnt handle that. I suppose its not worth getting my knickers in a twist over, what will be,will be.

women

Im not comfortable about having to write this for You, but i have given it some thought since You asked me to.

I dont have a particular "type" of women that i would go for in the respect of looks, its personality and how well i connect with them that matters to me. Ideally though i would prefer someone older than myself, not skinny, but not grossly overweight either (i want to survive the experience after all), so average to plump would be fine.

I wouldnt connect well with a bitchy personality, probably if im honest because i can be a bitch myself there would more than likely be clash of personalities, and i think thats why i struggle with the thought of submitting to a dominant women because bitchy women (especially the look at me i am it type) bring out the worst in me and i dont like myself much when that happens. I do wander though if its not just women but other dominant personalities that i find difficult, i submit to You because im Yours to do as You want and i resent anyone else being able to have any control over me and what i do.

I cant really say much about how i would like it to be with another women in detail, i know You would like it if i was to be intimate with them in the respect of kissing and carressing, but i cant do that unless i feel a connection with them and am totally at ease and this applies to men as well not just women. Yes im selfish in the respect that i enjoy a women going down on me and would prefer not to have to return the favour, i certainly find it easier in a controlled situation, ie. i dont think i would naturally make the move myself because its something i want to do. Yes i get a buzz out of it because im having to do it, because obviously being dominated and controlled to that degree is one of the fundemental elements that make up my personality and makes me what i am. This is also why (and i have to get this point in) im wet the majority of the time even when im not enjoying something, even when we just talk normally im wet because You have control over me......i get off on being dominated and knowing that im controlled...fancy that!!!!

I suppose the ideal set up that appeals to me would be much like it was with t****, being told to lick her cunt and being beaten at the same time, You know i get off on objectification so just being used in that way i find more appealing than having to try and force myself to be initimate and natural with someone, i just dont think i can do that. I do find the idea of being made to lick a womens cunt and then watching her pleasure You appealing, as long as i get Your ass.

resisting

Its strange because i detest the inflatable butt plug, yet i enjoy trying larger objects in my ass, so made a point of getting some glass beer bottles to drink of course and then to use in my ass. It wasnt an overly large bottle but still a bigger size than i am used to, i found it easier to sit above the bottle and managed to get a fair amount in and i enjoyed it, it hurt but in a nice way and i definitley want to progress more in that particular area.

After we meet up i tend to spend a lot of time going over things in my head and analyzing how it went, im dissapointed that i wasnt able to cope with a severe caning to the extent that it drew blood and i know He was dissapointed too. But what bugs me the most is that i cant seem to get out the habit of resisting and intially refusing to comply with what im instructed to do (sometimes not aways), before He arrives i sit there going over in my head "i will not resist, i will not resist" like a mantra but i do. The easiest solution is to be in bondage but it not always possible but besides that i know i shouldnt resist anyway, i should obey immediatley without question.

and more..........

I knew at some point i would have to swallow His piss, He made it very clear before the weekend that refusal to do so would result in punishment and contrary to what He might think i do fear punishment. I do enjoy being pissed on i love the humiliation and the dirtiness of it but have struggled with the taste and up to this weekend He has always been very tolerant and not forced the issue, i guess His patience had worn thin so i did it, admittedley it wasnt as bad as i thought but its still something im going to find difficult but i accept that now its going to be required more often than not. We even went further in exploring this type of "play" and i found i liked it and its something i want to explore more of (make of that what you will).

Sometimes it scares me how far i could go and that i enjoy things that once i wouldnt of have even thought of or wanted to do but i suppose its a credit to Him that nothing i suggest or ask about repels Him so in turn im relaxed enough to want to try the more "dirtier" activities. Its like licking His ass, i love it not just because He enjoys it and it pleases Him but i find it a turn on for me and would miss it should over a weekend it doesnt happen (though this is highly unlikely).

I was caned quite a few times over the weekend and some was worse than others, the worst had to be when He restrained me over a chair (i just couldnt hold position on the bed), i was shaking because i was scared i knew they was going to be hard stokes and they was, well harder than what i have experienced before. I was instructed to count the last 6 but only managed to get to 3 and then He needed to gag me i think my screams might have been pretty loud otherwise, its hard to describe the pain but agony just about sums it up, and He even caned the soles of my feet once that hurt but i guess it gave my ass a short reprieve.

When the caning was over, i registered that He was preparing needles and that set me off shaking again i was terrified that He was going to put them in my nipples and i have been dreading when He does. I attempted to pull away but being restrained didnt get me very far, they seemed to hurt more than previously but i wander if this was only because i was worked up and far from relaxed. He didnt put them in my nipples but He has made it clear that next time they will be and im not going to dwell on that now, i dont want it but im in no position to choose and as He often points out to me i wouldnt have it any other way and i wouldnt.

The dreaded whip was only used once thankfully and i even plucked up the courage and asked for it on my breasts (i must have been having a mad moment) because it fucking hurts, i hate it more than anything its bloody awful right from the first stroke. Its the only thing so far that has brought me close to tears and that was on a previous occassion when He used it on my back.

He also used the cane on my pussy (that was a first) im not sure whether i liked that or not, i think i would like to try it some more when im more relaxed as at the time He was also caning my stomach and tits and i was struggling to escape the blows.

still not finished............

lots to say.............

Havent posted for quite a while, been on holiday and then get home to find i have no internet connection which has pissed me off no end, but back online now and i have missed my blog, have just come back from spending the weeked with Him so have quite a bit i want to write about.



Whilst on holiday i had no contact with Him for just over 2 weeks and it was bloody horrible, it made me very restless and my mind was working overtime getting myself worked up over whether or not anything had changed even though deep down i knew it would be fine the lack of contact made me very insecure. Of course my worries were all needless because nothing has changed but i certainly dont want to go through 2 weeks like it again.



Once we were back to talking as regular as we normally do, i was more content although i was then getting myself worked up over the caning that i had asked for to the point that i made my mind up i wasnt going to ask for something anymore (He always makes it worse). He wouldnt let me cum before we got together which means i hadnt orgasmed since before i went on holiday so in total approximatley 4 weeks, that has to be a record and im actually impressed with myself that i managed although i think the thought of what the punishment would be if i did (it would of been really bad) was a big deterrent.



I arrived at the hotel well before Him, i prefer this as it allows me to get ready especially if He requests me to be dressed a certain way and also i can relax a bit, its become a habit of mine to imediatley check out the room for its suitability for bondage, it failed slightly on that part but was roomy so thats a plus, oh and had a bath thats become an essential requirement, just a shower cubicle is no good!!!

I thought i had a very good chance of getting sex first or in particular sucking His cock, even though we had discussed i would get pain first i figured i could manipulate Him into my way of thinking....no such luck....out came the canes. I struggled with the caning it was definitley harder i think than what it has been before, and there was one particular cane i didnt like at all, however there was one that i liked a lot, i think for the first time i managed successfully to get into subspace, i could feel it but it didnt hurt at all, the pain just wasnt registering and it was great until the bastard thing broke. I got a reprieve then and was allowed to suck His cock and remembered to do it slowly and just when i thought i was finally going to get in my ass He decides to cane me some more harder than previously.

Then finally get what i wanted, i love anal sex the more it hurts the better i seem to cope with that sort of pain ok i want it to hurt, He withdrew and came in my mouth which i like, i dont really think about the fact that its been in my ass although i guess if i was to actually see any traces that it had i might be more reluctant but generally im so aroused at that point i couldnt care less i just want it in my mouth, and if im honest the fact that it could be considered "dirty" just makes it all the more appealing, so being instructed to clean His cock is an absolute turn on for me.

more in a while......

want a hood now i do

Have found a couple (i found them, thats got to put me in His good books for a while surely) admittedly i didnt react very well when He spoke to the women, i called Him a bastard but well after talking to them some more im actually forward to it. I did admit to Him though this is mostly because it appeals to my sense of humour, being that they play on a completley different level to us, the shock factor appeals to me greatly although i dont want to scare them off as they seem a nice genuine couple.

I dont quite know what there expecting and im inclined to think that they know very little of M/s dynamics (or more to the point the difference between D/s and M/s) which is fair enough, and why is there is this obsession with people thinking slaves are above anyone else when the reality actually is completley opposite. Im surmmising after speaking with them and from the information i have that there predominant kink is anything to do with sex with a little bdsm thrown in, she needs the sex and the arousal to get her in the state of mind to "go that little bit further". She couldnt quite get that i prefer pain first to get me to that sexual high, not always but pain certainly is my preference before any sexual contact (apart from sucking His cock, could do that anytime, but is better when i have or am suffering).

He scares her but i assurred her that He wouldnt do anything that she didnt want and there is no shame in using a safeword if it gets a little too intense, i said that i had used mine before with another couple, but i think they need to put aside what we do together because when we are on our own its completley different. Its not a competition to see who will and can do what besides there will no doubt be a time when im confronted with a couple that play at a harder level than im comfortable with. There curious as to how we interact together and this amuses me, if there expecting the stereotypical image of a man in leather and the slave in wrist and ankle chains then there in for a shock although the idea of being kept in wrist/ankle cuffs is very appealing.

Before i spoke to them on the phone i spoke to Him and said that i found it appealing to meet with them because i would like to see how reasonably hard we could get with them, He made a comment that maybe i would need a hood because there is a risk i might laugh at the situation, and i didnt like that idea. Now after thinking about it i want one it appeals to my love of being objectified and degraded, the idea of being a faceless person with no way of communicating, just there to be used and abused....mmm made my mind up im getting one asap.

i miss You

I havent had a good couple of last days, im missing Him and sometimes its worse than other times and i get frustrated because its not always possible to talk and then i get stroppy and i have sensed the last few days that im getting that way. So i figured to avoid getting stroppy and end up incurring punishment i would ask for some pain (coz that helps in a wierd way) and i didnt get it and then that pissed me off because i wasnt asking again, so it gets into a vicious circle of me being stroppy because i want Him to give me pain and then when i do get it its more than i want and all that could have been avoided if He gives me the pain i asked for in the first place.

Yes i am bloody ranting, ok im due on thats probably why im feeling this way but goddamn it i want some attention. Then like now i feel guilty for wanting His attention as i know its not easy for Him all the time as its not always easy for me (fucking vanilla life) but just sometimes its really hard to deal with. Its the weekend so wont be able to talk then and He is off work next week so will be difficult then as well, then im off on holiday and im dreading it, what the fuck am i going to be like without contact for 2 whole fucking weeks.

Im sorry Sir.......i just really miss you lots xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

need to find women (never thought i would say that)

I need to find a women before He does which is not going to be an easy task after having just briefly gone through profiles its going to be a lot harder than i thought. The ones that may seem suitable are not in a good location or if they are in an ideal location we are definitley not what they are seeking, so im going to narrow it down to what is important to me.

1. preferably older than me (older the better)

2. bi or bi curious (He will insist on that)

3. should have some experience even if very little

4. be discrete

5. not looking for 24/7

6. not wanting to be a permanent fixture (im not prepared to share my time with Him
on a regular basis with someone else)

I think that about covers it, now i know that 6 is not a demand that i should make but its how i feel, i couldnt cope with someone wanting the same relationship with Him as i have, its not about the sex either it doesnt bother me Him having sex with other subs in fact it appeals to the voyuerer in me. I think the trouble with single female subs is it easy to become attached to the Dominant especially emotionally and wanting more than what has been offerred, i dont worry that He will want them more than me (got past that now) but i think if this should happen it could potentialy cause problems.

I think tomorrow i will start looking through profiles and try and get some messages out, best get the ball rolling cant risk leaving it to Him, because otherwise it will be my worst nightmare knowing my luck.

nearly a year

blimey just realised this is my 101st post and after having just read through all of them, my opinions have changed a little and in some ways i have progressed (i think), to think i was against having this blog intially now im very protective of it.

I think the biggest change is that im a lot more secure in our relationship than i was when i first started this blog, i still have the odd moments but not as frequent as they used to be. Its nearly also a year since we first met and its been a good 12 months but also very scary albeit in a nice/not nice way, i have had my fair share of tantrums which for the most part He wont tolerate and reassuring that He doesnt give up one me when i do have my moments.

He said that i can suggest something i would like to do to mark our first year together which was a challenge as im not very good at making decisions, but having thought about it i decided today i would like to be caned until blood is drawn. Having suggested this to Him of course the sadistic bastard has said that if this is what i want then no amount of pleading will deter Him when the time comes, this is not how i want it. I want to enjoy it (well obviously as much as you can enjoy a caning) ideally i would prefer the strokes not to be very hard, but applied moderatley light so as to enable me to be able to take a lot more strokes, the more strokes the more likely to break the skin eventually (well thats my theory anyway).

Finally got a reply from the domme (the one whose mail i deleted) and it wasnt the reply He was hoping for, i admit i was pleased although my joy was shortlived when He said i would be dealt with later. This basically means "dont think you have gotten away with it" now i didnt think i would although i was hoping a teeny weeny little bit that i would escape without punishment but i knew deep down this was unlikely. I have realised that im actually in deep shit because of what i did and the fact that my actions are probably why we got the reply from her that we did, and i have no defence because i know what i did was disprespectful.

Anyway i have found the inflatable butt plug (after having temporarily misplaced it) oh what i wouldnt do to lose it permanently but i would only be made to get another one so either way its staying. I have tried convincing Him that my ass just isnt designed to be blown up but to no avail, i wish i did like it would certainly make it easier but the last time He made me use it as punishment i bled and that scared the shit out of me (no pun intended). I rue the day i ever bloody bought it and even worse is that im sure i was the one who mentioned it and suggested getting it, im mad fucking mad.

finished i think......

Where was oh yes well i finally got His attention, He bent me over a chair and used the birch rod again and i still have the same opinion ie. it bloody hurts a lot, He then had me sit astride the chair with my tits sitting atop the backrest so i figured they was in for some attention. He tied me to the chair, my breasts were in tight bondage as well and i was gagged He used the crop on my tits harder than what He has done before and i was struggling after only a few whacks with it. Then the bastard shoved a butt plug up my ass and sat back leaving me well in a lot of discomfort, as i said earlier bondage definitley provokes the most intense reactions out of me.


I started off feeling angry and was cursing Him for sitting back and taking pleasure in my discomfort, if i wasnt gagged then He would of probably got called a few names as well. The anger then turns to pleading and being gagged the only way of communication is through the eyes, when He picked up the nipple clamps i was begging as well as i could for Him not to put them on, but He did and they are horrible things but a hell of a lot worse when they come off.

He later beat me with the flogger and i did try to escape the blows and eventually curled up, He stopped, went and laid down on the bed and i felt guilty for not enduring it i apologised and He said if i was (sorry that is) then i should get back into position for more, which i did albeit reluctantly. I dozed off for a while only to be woken up with the announcement that He needed a piss which translates as "get in the bath, im going to piss on you" which i love apart from the fact that i know im going to get some in my mouth and will have to lick Him clean which i dont love, as of yet He hasnt forced the issue of making me swallow but its only a matter of time before He does.

Overall i think the weekend went well, however i always end up coming away and wishing i had behaved better in the respect of enduring more pain, one of the highlights has to be the fact that the dreaded whip didnt get used (He had left it in the car) and i wasnt going to volunteer to get it.

weekend......nearly finished

Back to the weekend, finding this difficult to write now as im not feeling very confident in myself but anyway for whats it worth here we go.



I cant deny i find pain arousing even pain i dislike so im pretty sure i was wet throughout the birching something that is a bone of contention for me because as far as He is concerned if im wet then im liking it in one way or the other. So im not even going there. During the punishment He stopped at intervals for me to suck His cock which was a reprieve for a while and a welcome one as i do love sucking His cock. Finished off with being fucked in the ass and then Him cumming in my mouth, so in general really not a bad start to the weekend.



Before going out for dinner i asked Him to beat me some more and i was allowed to choose what with and where, so i chose the belt on my ass, now the belt isnt normally my first choice as i find it quite difficult to handle but to my surprise i enjoyed it more on this occassion although as always when i start pleading for Him to stop im always made to take more usually 6 more which it was in this case. We went for a few drinks before going to get something to eat, found a indian restaurant and the food was really good, both quite tired so headed back to the apartment, during the meal i asked to be able to lick His ass when we got back (yep i love doing that as well, nearly as much as sucking His cock) sexually so far there isnt anything yet i really dont like doing.



We both woke up very early around 6ish i think which is unheard of for us on a Saturday morning usually we crawl out of bed closer to midday, but nevertheless it was nice to get out have a nice relaxing breakfast whilst reading the papers. The weather was bloody awful but i wanted to walk the pier so we did before heading back to the apartment, where i was desperate for more beatings He was more interested in watching the rugby. However when He did decide to focus His attention on me (after lots of begging) i got more than what i bargained for as usual(you would have thought i would have learnt this by now).



will finish completley later......

a little distraction

Im trying to focus on writing more about the weekend but im distracted by a conversation i have just had with Him and i need to come to terms with that before finishing off what i started.

Before the weekend He had wrote to some people asking if they would be interested in meeting with us at the weekend, one piece of mail disturbed me enough to the point that when a reply was recieved i deleted it without Him reading it. The mail in question was a Domme and i know it is something He wants a lot to see me used by a Domme unfortunatley it is also something i have the biggest problem with enough to make me delete her reply being fully aware that this was wrong.

Having since told Him of what i had done, i have been told to reply to her apologising for my behaviour which i have done, and ideally He would like to arrange with her a meeting so that she can punish me. It is something i have protested against not because i dont see what i have done is wrong because i do and i knew the consequences would be serious, what i protest against is the fact the underlying reason of why i did what i did is disregarded. I can only say in my defence my reaction was one of fear, i believe being put in that situation could be detrimental to my relationship with Him and that is why i reacted the way i did, although i see now it has made things a lot worse and the damage i feared would be done has in a way happened.

Im in a hole at the moment because if i dont agree to what He demands then that would cause problems, yet if i do which i know i should then i think there will still be problems, the only soulution that i can see is to do what He wants and hope that i can cope with it.

I feel like im being emotionally blackmailed, if i dont do what He wants or cant cope with it then i must not be a slave and maybe He is right im doubting that i am good enough for Him because a good slave would be the proverbial unemotional/unfeeling robot and im not that. Or maybe i am because ultimatley i will do what He wants regardless of how i feel and thats scary in itself.

Anyway will finish the weekend later.........

thoughts on the weekend

Well the birching wasnt that bad at all in fact i liked it, that was the good news unfortunatley He realised i was enjoying it and so used the birch rods individually..they hurt a lot at the time although i dont think they have as much after sting as the canes do, which is what i like about the cane the sting lasts longer afterwards. However the big difference is although once it was over the pain virtually went immediatley i sure as hell didnt want anymore anytime soon wheras with the cane often i will crave it again to get the after-effects so the birch rods were effective as punishment simply because i definitley wouldnt ask for more.

I wasnt restrained when He used the birch rods and on reflection i think it would have been more effective if i had of been, my reasons being the mental aspect, when im restrained im forced to focus on my vunerability and thats when emotions come to the surface. What i mean by this is when i feel vunerable my emotions and reactions are more transparent, what i feel is more intense and therefore i react/respond differentley than i do when unrestrained. I have a love/ hate relationship with bondage in many ways i love the feeling of being helpless and dependent but i also hate it for those same reasons. Im more likely to cry when in bondage because im vunerable and i have come close once when He used the whip on my back a few months ago, but im also just as likely to feel pissed off and verbally express as such like i did when we met with h****i.

If im gagged as well as in bondage then that accelerates the feeling of helplessness because the only form of communicating with Him is through the eyes well and mumbling incoherentley, and the eyes give away lot, anger, pain, pleading, fear but eventually the realisation and acceptance of the situation hits. The point im getting to on why i think it would of been more effective had He restrained me is that when He asked me if i felt i had been punished enough of course i said yes as i didnt want anymore, i would have said anything He wanted to hear to avoid more. Yet if restrained and therefore vunerable and as explained emotions are more intense He could either of got a respone of "i bloody hate you" (or worse) to a genuine tearful appeal for mercy. I think on reflection i wanted to cry i needed to reach that state of mind and i just cant seem to get there unless im in bondage and helpless.

Ok thats enough for now.

Tuesday 4 March

Writing in here isnt sometimes easy especially if im not in a good frame of mind, and when im not what i write/say comes out wrong, i wrote in here earlier and on reflection deleted it permenantley. My confidence varies depending on the situation im in but overall i dont think im that much of a confident person, when im confronted with something or a situation that i lack confidence in i tend to react negatively.

I deleted the post because i was reacting to a situation i was and am not happy about (ie not confident) and had a verbal tantrum, these happen occassionally probably more than they should. I don't believe He would of been angry if He had read it (He doesnt do angry as i said before) but i figured im in for a difficult weekend as it is without adding to it and although i can pretty much say what i like here, i wrote in frustration simply because i wasnt getting my own way and thats never good.

Im a strong willed person and in vanilla life i tend to get things my own way, which some would interpret that does not make me submissive and definitley not a slave, however most subs/slaves tend to have strong personalities and unlike the popular misconception are not doormats. Im not really a fan of labels, as everyones intrepretation of what a slave is and how they should behave varies and everyones dynamic is different from another. What i am confident about is that even when i do have my tantrums, each one is a learning curve but the end goal is always the same...i will do what He wants. The easy option would be to walk away when the going gets tough, because its not easy, the reality is sometimes its fucking scary and i work myself up into a state hence the tantrums. But He knows or He should do by now that even when i have my wobbly moments i wouldnt change anything, and sometimes i need to be put firmly back into my place.

Friday....one week to go!!!

If He had to use physical force all the time to get me to comply with what He wants then wouldnt that imply im not submissive?, being dominated (in the context of a M/s relationship) isnt about having to be physically forced to do something, dictionary definition of submissive: inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly. I dont need to be beaten/forced into submission i submit to Him willingly, that being said im not perfect and on occassions i have verbally attempted to resist but as said before in previous post this gets me nowhere. I do the things i may not want to do because to put it simply i dont have a choice, i chose to become His slave willingly and i suppose it could be said that was one of the last choices i was able to make in our relationship.

A quote from Him which He posted in blog in reply to a verbal tantrum i had:

"having chosen to be a SLAVE, you gave up all rights, within our agreed limits, to decide what you will and will not do"

That about sums it up really.

Wednesday 27 February

Switching or changing roles to be honest is something i dont understand in the sense that being dominant or submissive is a personality trait, ie. you are either one or the other, thats not saying that a submissive cant be assertive or a dominant cant be passive but in the context of bdsm as far as im concerned how can one go from being dominant say in one session to submissive in the next. That being said there are situations where people have started off as either D or s but then discovered they are happier or more suited to the opposite role, that i can understand but to regularly switch i cant.

So no we dont switch, that would definitley be a deal breaker for me but its something i dont think/worry about because i know 100% that it will never happen, thankfully. Occasionally He has mentioned that He may want me to hurt another (simply because i think it amuses Him) and its something i always have and always will protest against, i have no desire to dominate or hurt someone im quite happy and content being on the receiving end (yes even when its something i dont like). So then there is the dilemma of what if im told to, i cant refuse well i could but that would just incur punishment for not obeying, on one occassion i was told to pinch another womens nipples, i didnt like it, didnt want to do it regardless of whether she liked it or not..i was not happy at all.

As for physically fighting back, with Him no it has never crossed my mind to do so and i doubt it will, i have on occassions verbally attempted to avoid something and its pointless gets me nowhere just makes things worse. There has been only one occassion that i can think of where i have attempted to refuse to comply, the last time we was together i clamped my legs together when i was told to open them and i resisted, He slapped my face (which i like, but if i had still refused i have no doubt it would be something i didnt) so really its pointless, im never going to win if He makes His mind up im doing something...im doing it.

Monday 25th February

I understand what you mean about how we all have to start somewhere, as of course i did myself, i think it is easier for a submissive starting out than it is for a Dominant simply because i would say in most cases submissives would seek someone with experience. This certainly applied to me, i wanted someone that was confident in their abilities and themselves and this i believe comes with experience, and also because i was unsure of what my own abilities were (it is all very well fantasizing about being dominated and being in pain etc but the reality could have proved too much). First time round on looking for someone i didnt place much importance on experience, i dont regret my first experiences even though it didnt work out because it confirmed to me that i was indeed submissive and i enjoyed being dominated , it didnt work because we wasnt compatible and i do believe now that i had or would have outgrown him in the respect that i wanted to be taken a lot further than i know he was capable of.

So when i eventually started seeking again it was very important to me that it be with somone who was experienced and at the least open minded, someone who i could tell my darkest fantasisies to and they wouldnt run a mile freaking out, i got lucky, very lucky i met Him and cliche i know but i trusted Him almost immediatley and i also trusted my gut instinct, it felt right and well it was and is. Age well yes thats important to me but then i have always even in vanilla life preferred the older man, as i said before in the post you originally referred to i wouldnt have considered anyone younger than myself no matter how nice they may have been, it would have been a polite thanks but no thanks. So i guess you could say that makes me ageist and even now if mixing with other couples and anyone that we may do in the future my preference is a lot older than me the only difference now is i dont have a choice, thats up to Him.

Sunday 24th February

Intelligence is important to me because i enjoy listening to people who are interesting and knowledgeable, i like learning about new things as i tend to have an active mind sometimes to the point where i get distracted very easily and flitter from one subject to the next if it catches my interest. Outside of bdsm (in vanilla life) i tend to surround myself with people who are reasonably intelligent and able to hold thought provoking conversations, im not interested in celebrity gossip or trivia although yes i admit i do like a good gossip with my girly friends and enjoy having a laugh with them.

It also depends on how you define intelligence, is it based on how many qualifications someone has? or what their IQ is? Personally this holds no importance to me, some of my closest friends have no formal qualifications yet they are interesting and often engage me in a good topical debate (they know i love a good debate). Im not claiming that im really intelligent, im not but i can converse confidently and what i dont know about a subject im not afraid to admit to not knowing and i like to learn, listening and being willing/wanting to broaden your knowledge is what is important to me.

As to being dominated by someone intelligent, yes this is definitley of importance to me, i couldnt have respect for someone who holds no value for knowledge, He is more intelligent than me and interests me (outside of bdsm) as well as in of course. Although on a lighter note it can be frustrating as it often seems like He has an answer for everything, everytime i think i have a good valid argument He shoots it down in minutes.

Its late now so i will try to reply to your other question tomorrow.

friday 22 Feb

Its not that i am offended by any questions that are posted in blog, just that i have come accross timewasters and its made me wary especially when i know nothing of whom is asking the questions, but i will try answer them if their sensible.

I can honestly say i dont know why i am the way i am, i remember reading a book in my middle to late teens by Ann Rice although she used another name (cant remember off hand what) and it was about a girl (sleeping beauty) who was taken as a slave and used sexually as well as being beaten regularly, and i found it very erotic and it did arouse me. I consequently read the follow ups and eventually read the Story of O which at the time of reading it i found very intriguing, and it became something i later fantasized about. Didnt admit to anyone about this because well it goes against the norm and i didnt want to be seen as a freak and i didnt have the knowledge and understanding and i guess confidence to explore any further.

As to how i got to where i am now well the internet has a lot to do with that, the feelings i had (ie, wanting to be dominated etc) never went away and i just used to trawl the internet for information and eventually plucked up the courage to place a profile on a bdsm site. To cut a long story short i did meet with someone, didnt work out but i did realise it was something i definitley wanted to explore more of so after a while placed another profile met Him and well here i am.

If i really dont want to do something i would need to have a very good reason why not, "not feeling like it" for example is not a good reason, He can be reasonable and i think it would depend on what it was and the circumstances for example if im unwell then i would think that would alter His decision. I can express how i feel about something and why i would prefer not to have to do (whatever) and it is then His responsibility to determine whether or not i do or dont, and i have to trust His judgement.

punishment decided

He has decided i will be birched as punishment, i didnt see that coming hadnt anticipated it at all so it did come as a shock, i think i wish i didnt know because now im going to dwell on it as i have read about birchings and well there very unpleasant, the thought of its bad enough.

I deserve it because i disobeyed Him which was disrespectful especially made worse by the fact it wasnt once but a couple of occasions so i cant argue that He is being unreasonable as He isnt being. Its not just the birching that causes me concern i have this feeling that it is going to be a difficult weekend and im going to find out just how cruel He can be and that scares me. Dont really have anything more to say on the subject, He isnt going to change His mind so im just going to have to be very mindful of my behaviour from now until then so as not to increase the severity of the weekend.

last reply to annonymous

blimey annonymous dont give up do you?

First of all im assuming you are using the word abuse in a negative context, ie. a women being beaten by her partner and living in fear of his temper and mood swings, which is abuse and sadly very common. The difference between that scenario and the nature of mine and His relationship is at all times He is in control of Himself and the situation, He has never struck me in temper or anger in fact i have not known Him to be angry or indeed lose His temper with me at all, its not in His nature. Putting punishments aside for the time being, i am very comfortable in asking Him to beat me and i very often do and being that He is a sadist very rarely if at all has He refused my requests, so yes overall i enjoy it and get very aroused, but its not just the pain its the environment, i like to be controlled/dominated so as much as it may appear to be a one-sided relationship i get just as much out of it as He does, albeit in a different context.

As for hating Him, no. I have on occassion told Him i do and swore at Him in response to what He may be doing to me, but the reality is im usually afterwards very compliant and content because im getting what i need and i have touched on this subject in previous posts in many ways i enjoy being treated in what i guess you would deem an abusive manner.

right this will be the last reply to any comments you may choose to make.

for annonymous

ok annonymous i will give you the benefit of the doubt and reply to your queries.

No, He did not make me remove the post, although He did make me realise that i had responded a little more harsh than was called for so i decided to remove it, He does have access to this blog and if He wanted it removed then He could and would. Our names dont appear as we know who we are, He is Master and i am slave are names are irrelevant and in most blogs of this type of content rarely are real names used.

The question of consent can vary from one persons idea to the next so i can only say how i feel about it and how it reflects on us. I chose to be His slave and therefore knew i was giving up the "right" to pick and choose what He can do to me (within pre-agreed limits) of which there are few anyway. I could refuse to accept the punishment He decides but that would be seriously detrimental to our relationship, i know how i behaved was wrong and therefore accept the consequences, do i want it?....no of course i dont, its not going to be nice but thats the point, do i need it?......yes because i disobeyed and it has been a re-occuring fault of mine. Im scared of course i am but thats a natural instinct when facing something you know your not going to like or are unsure of, but once its over well hopefully then i get to do the things i like doing.

He doesnt post on the blog although He has made one comment on one of the entries (cant remember offhand which one), if He wanted to post im sure He would but the blog was set up originally for me to put down my thoughts /ramblings and to chart how our relationship has progressed really, also it has the added benefit that im allowed to write what i like without worrying that it will incur punishment if i say something inappropriate (although i suspect that would go out the window if i went too far).

oh whatever

ok im not just a little bit nervous, im a little bit scared of what he is going to do and im torn between wanting to know and not wanting to know, im not sure whats worse, but what is worse is the fact that He is loving the fact that im nervous and im not finding it funny at all. I do know He is most likely expecting me to try and worm my way out if it and im not going to well not at the moment probably will try as the date draws closer, i am though determined that i will not beg Him not to do whatever He decides to do simply because it doesnt work and why give Him any more enjoyment than He is going to get anyway, ok i know the probability is high that i will but bloody hell im getting to be too predictible, its like He knows whats going through my mind before i have even said anything.

What bloody got me though was when He said i have no tolerance in reference to not being able to stay quiet when im being beaten, bloody charming i would like to see Him stay quiet when getting bloody whacked although did think better of pointing this out, but yes i admit i do find it difficult i do try though because i dont like being gagged and anyway screaming is a better option than swearing at Him which is also a probability and that wouldnt go down well.

Anyway did have a chuckle to myself last night, i found a bdsm checklist that i had filled in a few years ago, of what i would do, consider and definitley not do, and to my amusement pain was ticked on the definitley not do and here i am now with a bloody goddam sadist.

an explanation

Before Christmas (in November i think) i had masturbated without your permission and it had happened a few times and you told me as punishment i would get 50 strokes of the whip when we got together in the January. I was scared and the threat/thought was enough i didnt touch myself at all and i think nor did i ask permission to masturbate, for the first time i was shitting myself at the prospect of being punished in a way i really knew i wouldnt like, which is the whole point.

When the weekend arrived the punishment never happened, it was mentioned briefly but not carried out, i think with what had happened in vanilla life those distractions played a part in the fact that you was not your usual self which was understandable. I suppose being honest i became complacement i figured that i got away with it before i could again and i know i have to a certain degree not forgotten my place but neglected it and i dont want that because im happy and content being your slave, and i know i deserve to be treated severely for my behaviour.

Contrary to what you might think i dont do it with the intention of provoking you although i know it might seem that way i guess im going to have to learn the hard way that it wont be tolerated, and if its any consolation im really not looking forward to what you might do, because i dont enjoy it when your being really cruel.

be careful what you wish for................

Im having one of those 'be careful what you wish for..you might just get it' moments, i masturbated on Saturday without permission and its something i have a bad habit of doing, i dont have any excuse really He was really busy on that day and i was feeling insecure and i thought well fuck it He isnt going to have time to answer a request if i sent one so not a lot He can do about it. Im not proud of myself it wasnt the right attitude to have and well i thought very naively as it turned out that i might just get away with it, my train of thought was that He didnt whip me last time as punishment (as He said He would) for masturbating so theres a good chance i might get out of this one. So back to being careful for what you wish for....i wanted His attention, i think i can safely say that when we meet up its not going to be very pleasant attention well not for me anyway.

The worst thing is in a way is i know i deserve to be severely punished because i have a habit of doing it, but i do think if He had punished me previously when we was together then the message would have definitely got through, because i was dreading it the thought of 50 strokes was unbearable let alone having them, but when He didnt i guess i became complacent about it. Now its worse i didnt think it could get much worse but i was wrong again it most definitley can, when He wants He can be really cruel and i find that difficult especially when i have brought it on myself which on this occassion i have.

I have accepted that im not going to be able to sway Him and nor should i because i know i deserve it, but when it comes round i know i will inevitibly end up begging for mercy which is pointless really because it rarely works if at all and i suspect He derives some pleasure from that as well.

Anyway must remember not to forget anything this time, it seems ages away until we get together next and im looking forward to it, which sometimes i think is wierd how can i look forward to something when i know for some periods of that time im not going to like at all, and the only answer i have is that as bad as it may be on occassions i remember what He said to me ages ago about this being a role (ie being a slave) i can not half choose, basically i cannot and nor do i want to choose what or how He may decide to use me.

complacency

He wouldnt give me permission to masturbate earlier today and it wasnt something i had anticipated, didnt cross my mind at all that He would refuse, and i wasnt happy about it, spent 5 mins wandering round house calling Him every name i could think of and some new ones. I think what disturbs me the most is that i have become complacent, taking it for granted that he wont say no, and also because i know He is busy at work so therefore i can take advantage that He is distracted for the time being.



Its definitely been a strange few months what with outside distractions on both are parts, and i know i have not always behaved as i should and i guess to a certain extent i have not forgotten my place but have neglected it to the point that when He did say no i reacted in a very unsubmissive manner, although i cant deny it has been a novelty being able to get away with things that i normally wouldnt i will be glad to get things back to normal, well normal for us anyway. We have a date booked up to get together next and i sent Him a text last week asking to be beaten harder and im beginning to think this was a bad idea, not that it makes much difference on whether i ask or not as He will do as He pleases anyway but i think i need it to re-focus on my place.