Friday, 28 March 2008

i miss You

I havent had a good couple of last days, im missing Him and sometimes its worse than other times and i get frustrated because its not always possible to talk and then i get stroppy and i have sensed the last few days that im getting that way. So i figured to avoid getting stroppy and end up incurring punishment i would ask for some pain (coz that helps in a wierd way) and i didnt get it and then that pissed me off because i wasnt asking again, so it gets into a vicious circle of me being stroppy because i want Him to give me pain and then when i do get it its more than i want and all that could have been avoided if He gives me the pain i asked for in the first place.

Yes i am bloody ranting, ok im due on thats probably why im feeling this way but goddamn it i want some attention. Then like now i feel guilty for wanting His attention as i know its not easy for Him all the time as its not always easy for me (fucking vanilla life) but just sometimes its really hard to deal with. Its the weekend so wont be able to talk then and He is off work next week so will be difficult then as well, then im off on holiday and im dreading it, what the fuck am i going to be like without contact for 2 whole fucking weeks.

Im sorry Sir.......i just really miss you lots xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, 22 March 2008

need to find women (never thought i would say that)

I need to find a women before He does which is not going to be an easy task after having just briefly gone through profiles its going to be a lot harder than i thought. The ones that may seem suitable are not in a good location or if they are in an ideal location we are definitley not what they are seeking, so im going to narrow it down to what is important to me.

1. preferably older than me (older the better)

2. bi or bi curious (He will insist on that)

3. should have some experience even if very little

4. be discrete

5. not looking for 24/7

6. not wanting to be a permanent fixture (im not prepared to share my time with Him
on a regular basis with someone else)

I think that about covers it, now i know that 6 is not a demand that i should make but its how i feel, i couldnt cope with someone wanting the same relationship with Him as i have, its not about the sex either it doesnt bother me Him having sex with other subs in fact it appeals to the voyuerer in me. I think the trouble with single female subs is it easy to become attached to the Dominant especially emotionally and wanting more than what has been offerred, i dont worry that He will want them more than me (got past that now) but i think if this should happen it could potentialy cause problems.

I think tomorrow i will start looking through profiles and try and get some messages out, best get the ball rolling cant risk leaving it to Him, because otherwise it will be my worst nightmare knowing my luck.

Friday, 21 March 2008

nearly a year

blimey just realised this is my 101st post and after having just read through all of them, my opinions have changed a little and in some ways i have progressed (i think), to think i was against having this blog intially now im very protective of it.

I think the biggest change is that im a lot more secure in our relationship than i was when i first started this blog, i still have the odd moments but not as frequent as they used to be. Its nearly also a year since we first met and its been a good 12 months but also very scary albeit in a nice/not nice way, i have had my fair share of tantrums which for the most part He wont tolerate and reassuring that He doesnt give up one me when i do have my moments.

He said that i can suggest something i would like to do to mark our first year together which was a challenge as im not very good at making decisions, but having thought about it i decided today i would like to be caned until blood is drawn. Having suggested this to Him of course the sadistic bastard has said that if this is what i want then no amount of pleading will deter Him when the time comes, this is not how i want it. I want to enjoy it (well obviously as much as you can enjoy a caning) ideally i would prefer the strokes not to be very hard, but applied moderatley light so as to enable me to be able to take a lot more strokes, the more strokes the more likely to break the skin eventually (well thats my theory anyway).

Finally got a reply from the domme (the one whose mail i deleted) and it wasnt the reply He was hoping for, i admit i was pleased although my joy was shortlived when He said i would be dealt with later. This basically means "dont think you have gotten away with it" now i didnt think i would although i was hoping a teeny weeny little bit that i would escape without punishment but i knew deep down this was unlikely. I have realised that im actually in deep shit because of what i did and the fact that my actions are probably why we got the reply from her that we did, and i have no defence because i know what i did was disprespectful.

Anyway i have found the inflatable butt plug (after having temporarily misplaced it) oh what i wouldnt do to lose it permanently but i would only be made to get another one so either way its staying. I have tried convincing Him that my ass just isnt designed to be blown up but to no avail, i wish i did like it would certainly make it easier but the last time He made me use it as punishment i bled and that scared the shit out of me (no pun intended). I rue the day i ever bloody bought it and even worse is that im sure i was the one who mentioned it and suggested getting it, im mad fucking mad.

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

finished i think......

Where was oh yes well i finally got His attention, He bent me over a chair and used the birch rod again and i still have the same opinion ie. it bloody hurts a lot, He then had me sit astride the chair with my tits sitting atop the backrest so i figured they was in for some attention. He tied me to the chair, my breasts were in tight bondage as well and i was gagged He used the crop on my tits harder than what He has done before and i was struggling after only a few whacks with it. Then the bastard shoved a butt plug up my ass and sat back leaving me well in a lot of discomfort, as i said earlier bondage definitley provokes the most intense reactions out of me.

I started off feeling angry and was cursing Him for sitting back and taking pleasure in my discomfort, if i wasnt gagged then He would of probably got called a few names as well. The anger then turns to pleading and being gagged the only way of communication is through the eyes, when He picked up the nipple clamps i was begging as well as i could for Him not to put them on, but He did and they are horrible things but a hell of a lot worse when they come off.

He later beat me with the flogger and i did try to escape the blows and eventually curled up, He stopped, went and laid down on the bed and i felt guilty for not enduring it i apologised and He said if i was (sorry that is) then i should get back into position for more, which i did albeit reluctantly. I dozed off for a while only to be woken up with the announcement that He needed a piss which translates as "get in the bath, im going to piss on you" which i love apart from the fact that i know im going to get some in my mouth and will have to lick Him clean which i dont love, as of yet He hasnt forced the issue of making me swallow but its only a matter of time before He does.

Overall i think the weekend went well, however i always end up coming away and wishing i had behaved better in the respect of enduring more pain, one of the highlights has to be the fact that the dreaded whip didnt get used (He had left it in the car) and i wasnt going to volunteer to get it.

weekend......nearly finished

Back to the weekend, finding this difficult to write now as im not feeling very confident in myself but anyway for whats it worth here we go.

I cant deny i find pain arousing even pain i dislike so im pretty sure i was wet throughout the birching something that is a bone of contention for me because as far as He is concerned if im wet then im liking it in one way or the other. So im not even going there. During the punishment He stopped at intervals for me to suck His cock which was a reprieve for a while and a welcome one as i do love sucking His cock. Finished off with being fucked in the ass and then Him cumming in my mouth, so in general really not a bad start to the weekend.

Before going out for dinner i asked Him to beat me some more and i was allowed to choose what with and where, so i chose the belt on my ass, now the belt isnt normally my first choice as i find it quite difficult to handle but to my surprise i enjoyed it more on this occassion although as always when i start pleading for Him to stop im always made to take more usually 6 more which it was in this case. We went for a few drinks before going to get something to eat, found a indian restaurant and the food was really good, both quite tired so headed back to the apartment, during the meal i asked to be able to lick His ass when we got back (yep i love doing that as well, nearly as much as sucking His cock) sexually so far there isnt anything yet i really dont like doing.

We both woke up very early around 6ish i think which is unheard of for us on a Saturday morning usually we crawl out of bed closer to midday, but nevertheless it was nice to get out have a nice relaxing breakfast whilst reading the papers. The weather was bloody awful but i wanted to walk the pier so we did before heading back to the apartment, where i was desperate for more beatings He was more interested in watching the rugby. However when He did decide to focus His attention on me (after lots of begging) i got more than what i bargained for as usual(you would have thought i would have learnt this by now).

will finish completley later......

a little distraction

Im trying to focus on writing more about the weekend but im distracted by a conversation i have just had with Him and i need to come to terms with that before finishing off what i started.

Before the weekend He had wrote to some people asking if they would be interested in meeting with us at the weekend, one piece of mail disturbed me enough to the point that when a reply was recieved i deleted it without Him reading it. The mail in question was a Domme and i know it is something He wants a lot to see me used by a Domme unfortunatley it is also something i have the biggest problem with enough to make me delete her reply being fully aware that this was wrong.

Having since told Him of what i had done, i have been told to reply to her apologising for my behaviour which i have done, and ideally He would like to arrange with her a meeting so that she can punish me. It is something i have protested against not because i dont see what i have done is wrong because i do and i knew the consequences would be serious, what i protest against is the fact the underlying reason of why i did what i did is disregarded. I can only say in my defence my reaction was one of fear, i believe being put in that situation could be detrimental to my relationship with Him and that is why i reacted the way i did, although i see now it has made things a lot worse and the damage i feared would be done has in a way happened.

Im in a hole at the moment because if i dont agree to what He demands then that would cause problems, yet if i do which i know i should then i think there will still be problems, the only soulution that i can see is to do what He wants and hope that i can cope with it.

I feel like im being emotionally blackmailed, if i dont do what He wants or cant cope with it then i must not be a slave and maybe He is right im doubting that i am good enough for Him because a good slave would be the proverbial unemotional/unfeeling robot and im not that. Or maybe i am because ultimatley i will do what He wants regardless of how i feel and thats scary in itself.

Anyway will finish the weekend later.........

Sunday, 9 March 2008

thoughts on the weekend

Well the birching wasnt that bad at all in fact i liked it, that was the good news unfortunatley He realised i was enjoying it and so used the birch rods individually..they hurt a lot at the time although i dont think they have as much after sting as the canes do, which is what i like about the cane the sting lasts longer afterwards. However the big difference is although once it was over the pain virtually went immediatley i sure as hell didnt want anymore anytime soon wheras with the cane often i will crave it again to get the after-effects so the birch rods were effective as punishment simply because i definitley wouldnt ask for more.

I wasnt restrained when He used the birch rods and on reflection i think it would have been more effective if i had of been, my reasons being the mental aspect, when im restrained im forced to focus on my vunerability and thats when emotions come to the surface. What i mean by this is when i feel vunerable my emotions and reactions are more transparent, what i feel is more intense and therefore i react/respond differentley than i do when unrestrained. I have a love/ hate relationship with bondage in many ways i love the feeling of being helpless and dependent but i also hate it for those same reasons. Im more likely to cry when in bondage because im vunerable and i have come close once when He used the whip on my back a few months ago, but im also just as likely to feel pissed off and verbally express as such like i did when we met with h****i.

If im gagged as well as in bondage then that accelerates the feeling of helplessness because the only form of communicating with Him is through the eyes well and mumbling incoherentley, and the eyes give away lot, anger, pain, pleading, fear but eventually the realisation and acceptance of the situation hits. The point im getting to on why i think it would of been more effective had He restrained me is that when He asked me if i felt i had been punished enough of course i said yes as i didnt want anymore, i would have said anything He wanted to hear to avoid more. Yet if restrained and therefore vunerable and as explained emotions are more intense He could either of got a respone of "i bloody hate you" (or worse) to a genuine tearful appeal for mercy. I think on reflection i wanted to cry i needed to reach that state of mind and i just cant seem to get there unless im in bondage and helpless.

Ok thats enough for now.

Tuesday, 4 March 2008

Tuesday 4 March

Writing in here isnt sometimes easy especially if im not in a good frame of mind, and when im not what i write/say comes out wrong, i wrote in here earlier and on reflection deleted it permenantley. My confidence varies depending on the situation im in but overall i dont think im that much of a confident person, when im confronted with something or a situation that i lack confidence in i tend to react negatively.

I deleted the post because i was reacting to a situation i was and am not happy about (ie not confident) and had a verbal tantrum, these happen occassionally probably more than they should. I don't believe He would of been angry if He had read it (He doesnt do angry as i said before) but i figured im in for a difficult weekend as it is without adding to it and although i can pretty much say what i like here, i wrote in frustration simply because i wasnt getting my own way and thats never good.

Im a strong willed person and in vanilla life i tend to get things my own way, which some would interpret that does not make me submissive and definitley not a slave, however most subs/slaves tend to have strong personalities and unlike the popular misconception are not doormats. Im not really a fan of labels, as everyones intrepretation of what a slave is and how they should behave varies and everyones dynamic is different from another. What i am confident about is that even when i do have my tantrums, each one is a learning curve but the end goal is always the same...i will do what He wants. The easy option would be to walk away when the going gets tough, because its not easy, the reality is sometimes its fucking scary and i work myself up into a state hence the tantrums. But He knows or He should do by now that even when i have my wobbly moments i wouldnt change anything, and sometimes i need to be put firmly back into my place.