Saturday, 31 March 2012

Wanting

I want to be good i do, im trying really hard to be good i am, he likes obedience and i like obeying but right now i want a hard caning more than i want to be good! but he wont be manipulated so im going to be good....its not like i have much choice anyway.....the alternative wouldnt be good.

Friday, 30 March 2012

Health spas are worse than dungeons!

A close friend of mine a few months ago suggested we should have a morning at a health club i didnt take much notice its not really something that gets me excited, i should have took more notice because apparently she took my disinterest as a yes and booked us in.

So this morning i have had my nails done (and got told off because i bite them), i have had goo plastered on my face which burned i swear my skin shouldnt be this red! i have had hands kneading my back and now im aching in more places than i ever have done, had aromatherapy oils rubbed into my skin which it turns out i have an allergic reaction to so the end product is i now resemble something out of bad horror film not that i could do much chasing cos im seriously aching!....oh but my nails are looking nice.

Im not a girly girl, i was not happy about all this pampering i did moan a little whilst mate was lying there loving every minute, and just when i thought it couldnt get any worse she announced she had booked us in for a bikini wax.....ok problem there...there is nothing to wax (Master prefers me bare).

So she knows a fair bit of about our dynamic and its not like its the worst of things, so i whispered as discretley as possible that im shaved completley, now that should have been the end of that but no not my mate she has to give her opinion and it goes on and on...thankfully the 2 ladies doing the massage are very discrete although i suspect they had a good gossip when we left.

"what do you mean your shaved.....whats he done to you now, have you got marks down there is that it?" oh give me patience he hasnt done anything its what he likes and then it continues along the vein of proceeding to tell me i should tell him exactly what to do with his preferences (submissive she most definitley is not).

So what did i learn? that i dont like health spas.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Getting over the shame

I dont talk about sex a lot this stems i think from my mum whom when i was growing up was very reserved about sex it was my dad who gave me the sex talk the closest my mum got was saying it was for making babies..end of discussion, even now my mum finds it very uncomfortable if sex is brought up in any form ie even on the television...she will leave the room.  It has taken me a long time to be comfortable with myself sexually, Master is the first person i have felt comfortable being naked around but even now i get moments of shame that i shouldnt be doing this and to admit i find something desirable is difficult for me.

I get embarrassed about expressing what i would like and often Master has to prompt me to get me to admit that i do like something and that it does turn me on, i have often joked with him saying that he has corrupted me with how far he has taken me but he says its been in me all along it just needed bringing out i just need to start accepting that and i am....slowly.

We discussed this recently and he said "I am not going anywhere, I am planning on hurting and using you for a very long time, I want to see how far into depravity and agony you can go"  this sent shivers down my spine, shivers of fear but also excitment.  But i also feel shame and guilt because its not right to want this and i will follow him wherever he wants to take me, he knows me, he knows what makes me tick even when i cant admit it.

So the sex, the sex is good very good, i get turned on by i suppose you could say the more strange things i guess although im pretty sure im not alone in them...i hope.  He sent me a text saying he had a treat for me, i got all excited wandering what it was, would i like it..i should do he said it was a treat!
He had been to the gym and was all sweaty and the treat was he was going to let me worship his body before he showered and yes this was my treat...i love worshipping him but i especially love it when he is sweaty it turns me on big time getting to lick him all over.

But i would never have asked or admitted that i do love this and would want to do it, he knew i would, i loved exploring every inch of his body with my tongue and im going to admit i climaxed whilst doing so....i think thats progress admitting that..for me it is.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Nipple piercings

I have for a while now thought about having my nipples pierced, Master seems indifferent to the idea of course if he wanted them done then they would be but its not something he seems enthusiastic about.  I have mentioned it to him a while back now and he said "perhaps" that seems to be his standard response when he is indifferent to something.

Its the healing time afterwards that puts me off, from what i have read it can take weeks (ok so im still working on the patience) im also concerned if it would effect the sensitivity of the nipples as they are now they are very sensitive.  I have spoken to someone who had their clit pierced and they regretted it as they have since found it very difficult to reach orgasm even with direct stimulation, i know its a different part of the body but i can orgasm from intense nipple play/ torture and i would be gutted to lose that.....i would want to know if this is likely or do they make them more sensitive!

I do find nipple piercings visually appealing and erotic as well as the potential for s/m purposes, i think i may well broach the subject with him again, tempt him with ideas of the possibilites they could provide.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Just because......

I am going to buy a punching bag you know the ones like you see boxers using, im going to hang it up in the shed and punch the living daylights out of it.....failing that i will go and buy the biggest most chocolatiest cake i can find and eat it all by myself.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

As time goes by.....

Im not the most patient of people but im learning albeit slowly that sometimes the best achieved progress is slow progress, in the beginning of our relationship i wanted to experience everything  as soon as possible that i was curious about and i expected it to all come easily.  In the beginning its really intense and although i dont think that intensity ever completley goes away it does i think become more managable, more realistic.

Thankfully he has been and still is very patient with me and i dont think sometimes i have appreciated that as much as i should because geez i know how insufferable i can be especially in my over analysing moments.  I have put un-necessary pressure on myself over my need to excel at everything and when it doesnt go as well as i thought it should i end up being on a downer, it has to stop, the only expectation he has where this is concerned is that i try my best and that is progress enough.

You would think the longer you are together the easier it would be, that would be logical right?  i think its more that you encounter a lot more different challenges of any given nature, some planned and some out of the blue and its how you manage these challenges that will either strengthen or weaken the relationship.

If its possible i respect him more now than i did before i think mostly because as the years have gone by and we have had different challenges his control and dominance over me has been constant.  So im going to try to be more patient, to stop over analysing and just let it happen...what will be will be but no matter what.....he will be here.

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Consistency

I need consistency, it makes me feel more secure knowing that there are firm boundries in place of what he will and wont tolerate, if i try to push these boundries i end up getting frustrated and occasionally prone to displays of what can only be described as childish behaviour but he always stands firm and even through my frustration there is relief that he doesnt give in.....he stays consistent.

Im not proud of myself when i behave this way and im not about to make excuses of why i do, its not that he doesnt expect me to act up ever but he does expect me to behave like an adult and thats not an unreasonable expectation.   Some might say he is too hard on me when i do behave in a stroppy manner and he does come down on me hard and i dont mean in a physical sense but rather he makes his disappointment very clear but worse it lowers his expectations of me.

Sometime its bad enough that im punished and i have deserved it, i have needed the punishment as a form of catharsis, its never ignored completely that would be worse than anything for me because i need the consistency of knowing that i cant and shouldnt be allowed to get away with behaving in a manner he doesnt like.

I find when im pissed off at him, i need to contain that emotion rather than engaging mouth before brain and when im feeling calm then discuss why im pissed off in a reasonable manner.  Of course sometimes it doesnt always go that way and if he senses it is then he steps in firmly and i get a warning that im on the edge of going to far.

Its funny when he set this blog up for me he said i was free to write what i like even at times i was pissed off i could rant at or about him and he would let it go (within reason) and in the beginning there were a few what i shall call 'tantrum posts'.  They have tapered off and mostly if im honest its because im concious of how the way i behave and what i say is a reflection on him, that doesnt mean i dont have stroppy days and moments i do but im learning to deal with them more effectively....its slow progress.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

In service....To serve

I have been thinking about how serving is used and what is meant by it within an M/s dynamic and what it means to different people, there does seem to be an assumption its about the domestic side of things.  I think service plays an important role and is more than just making a cup of tea for example, submissive is what i am, serving is what i do and strive to do well, to serve his wants and needs in a number of different ways.

It could be said that submitting is the same and its just semantics but i think there is a difference if we look at definitions of submit and serve....

Submit...to give over/yield to the power and/or authority of another

Serve.....to meet the requirements of another, to provide, to have a use

Using these definitions there is a distinction, being submissive is a character trait, a large part of ones personality if you will, submitting is a need, i crave his dominance and control over me, i submit to his will.

To serve is to put my submission to work or to good use if you prefer, to use a defintion above..to meet his requirements, to learn to anticpate his wants and needs and yes to have a use, he doesnt want a robot that needs constant instructions and supervision on what to when to do it etc, he wants a submissive that can be of use this could be practical for example we are off to Birmingham soon so i looked up and noted hotels nearby to where he needs to be....this saves him time and is helpful....nothing kinky in it at all its being of service.

I think sometimes i tend to get conflicted with confusing my submission with serving but im realising that they are different, my submission doesnt waiver its a constant, its more a specific act of service that i may struggle with yet being of service/use strengthens that submission. 

It might not make sense, it doesnt sound like it does but it does..well it does for me.

Perceptions

Im embracing my inner goddess.....no eye rolling now!

So the book..i dont even need to name the book do i? its everywhere, i have read the first one, i have read part of the second...i couldnt do no more...my eyes were rolling more than the female lead.  But this book makes me wander how we (those that practice bdms or are in D/s dynamics) are portrayed.

I read some reviews from people that have bought the book...

"The female lead is schizophrenic.

The male lead needs to go to prison."

"The BDSM is portrayed so badly that I feel genuinely sorry for the community. Did James do no research at all?"


"Apparently, I've got the wrong `wow' factor. I don't feel like, `wow, this is incredible', I feel like, `wow, this is disturbingly unhealthy'".

 "Like a lot of romances, it boasts very familiar male-female dynamics. Hot, rich, older guy falls in love/lust with young, na├»ve, innocent (and again, not too sharp) girl. She “cures” him of his evil disease (in this case, bdsm and a strange reticence to touching his chest) and makes him see the light. So… if that’s your thing, go for it."

and my personal favourite (said tongue in cheek)

"Anastasia is an immature insecure desperate idiot who wants to become the whore of Babylon. She just wants to listen to her inner goddess (wtf?!) and have creepy monkey sex with Grey. She has no personality nor will whatsoever, she gets excited over the smallest and most idiotic things you can imagine and even though she sees how wrong Grey (the sick f*ck) is, she still goes for it. She’s always mooning over Grey like he’s some kind of god that she’s supposed to worship. He tells her that he doesn’t want a serious relationship just sex and she’s still ok with it. Why? Just because he’s hot? He’s a damn disgusting pervert. He hurt her the first time they made love, she was a virgin for Christ’s sake (and I don’t buy the crap with it being perfect, surely she had vaginal cracks after that), and is treating her like a slave. Even though he’s a successful businessman and he’s rich and famous he still can be a psychopath. Just watch American Psycho and you’ll know what I’m talking about."

Ok fair enough this is only a small sample and i obviously have picked out the negative comments for the purpose of this blog..but there were many to pick from, its one of those books you will either love or hate.

I didnt enjoy it because i dont think it helped in the way that bdsm and D/s is potrayed, will it encourage people to be more curious about bdsm?  i suspect so but if its soley based on reading this book then i think there is a huge possibility they are going to be disillousioned....i can see it now an influx of 'submissives' seeking their Christian Gray...i actually feel sorry for genuine single male dominants!

Im aware that i am most probably in the minority it is after all a commercial success and its not all bad as far as a romance story goes, i dont think bdsm needed to be in it, im still not entirely sure why it was...perhaps thats what it needed to stand out amongst all the other romantic fiction...so publicity wise it worked....but i have to wander at whose expense.

I feel i should add a disclaimer *these are my views only*









Sunday, 18 March 2012

Bdsm room 101

So room 101 anyone familiar with George Orwell's book Nineteen Eighty-Four will know what im referring to there is also a television programme called Room 101, the idea being that people can choose 3 things which they would put into room 101 to be banished...it is in effect peoples worst nightmare...so i figure i need a bdsm room 101.

1.  Inflatable butt plugs....i love anal, i can just about tolerate standard butt plugs but i detest inflatable ones, the mere threat of it makes me compliant  (well most of the time)...there is nothing pleasant about having ones ass blown up.

2.  Dressage whip.....its designed for horses for goodness sake, i do not have skin like a horse!, its a longish flexible rod that is very whippy with a tail on the end....i hate it out of all the whips he may use this one is without a doubt the worst for me..if im not restrained im running.

3.  Heavy weights.....on nipples and labia, light yes.  I mean do i need to say anymore....im screaming for them to come off before he has even finished attaching them.

Alas as much as i would like to see these banished sadist that he is wont allow it...mean i say just mean!

Saturday, 17 March 2012

oh fuck (excuse the language)

Oh my goodness what to do!!! my son has just stood on the schools african land snail which i voulunteered to look after at the weekend...its now stuck to the bottom of his trainer!  Dilema do i spend my mothering sunday tomorrow locating a replacement or do i come clean....fuck....poor Enrique (the snail).

A glass or perhaps bottle of wine to contemplate.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Hard limits...what are they? or is it whose are they?

I very rarely will remove posts or comments (unless its blatant spam) from the blog, i think part of blogging is accepting that opinions differ and we dont always agree with everyone and im all for healthy debate, i wont remove content because someone may happen to disagree with me or they find what i have written offensive or they have just simply interpreted it differently that happens....there are exceptions...complete and utter disrespect and rudeness being one of them.

There are certain subjects within bdsm and the M/s lifestyle that seem to attract controversy and the discussion of limits is one of them, i have written about limits before a few years ago actually and my opinions on that has changed since (go figure people actually change, mature and dare i say it learn from experiences)...ok apologies for the sarcasm.....i do wander if some people dont get my british sense of humour.

I struggle with the idea of stating that something is a hard limit and we can assume that a hard limit is something that is completley not negotiable under any circumstances..bottom line its not happening at all ever.  I absolutley get wound right up when the subject of hard limits come up and there is always the no minors/kids...is it just me that thinks that shouldnt even need to be brought up..it should be just a given, when i think of limits these are areas that are associated with bdsm and and activities within the alternative lifestyle...ie adults only.

An expectation we have is not to do anything intentionally that would permenantley damage me physically or mentally (not including permenant marks), and then there are things that he has absolutley no interest in so therefore we dont do them unless he should change his mind in the future.  When i chose to give over all control to him that included what i would and would not do, not liking something was not allowed to be a hard limit (in effect this meant my limits became his to control) and i had to be open to having things i dont like or didnt want to do being explored if he should choose to do so.

Now this does not mean its a case of him going woohoo i can do what i like to her and string me up and do every nasty thing he can think of regardless to how it effects me...well he could but that would be damaging and we dont do damage not intentionally.  Nor does it mean i have done everything or that i ever will...there is a huge range of possibilities out there, nor does it mean he will expect me to.

What it does mean is he expects me to be open to the endless possibilities and to be receptive to working on them should he choose to guide me there, it wont and doesnt happen overnight, it could take weeks, months, it could never happen....it just might be too much for me in a physical or mental way in which case its left alone perhaps permantley or perhaps to revisit at a later date.

This is why i struggle with defining hard limits because people change, they grow with experience and what once was a hard limit may not be in the future so by definition it was never a hard limit if we are using the defintion i used in second paragraph.  If i had stuck with my hard limits and been adamant about not giving them up i would have held myself back not just from me but from him and i dont want that.....its not easy in fact i bloody struggle....but its just right for us.

Anyway back to comments i had one made on an old post, i removed it, i deliberated at first i was upset then i was angry the commentator was horrified that i welcome and condone domestic violence because i had stated that i like to be slapped in the face and im abused, i do also like to be punched but not in the face and these were originally way back hard limits for me...well to be honest i cant say they were actually because they wasnt something that crossed my mind.  The comment was aggressive and totally disrespectful to me and towards my Master....and i wont tolerate that.

I do not on any level condone domestic violence or abuse..this lifestyle is about consent given willingly, i would not read a blog about someone experiencing dv and say to them "whats the matter with you...nothing wrong with a good slap in the face" it would be highly inappropriate.  Im pretty sure that there are many many people out there that think what i and my Master do is inappropriate and wrong and thats ok, i would not and dont expect people to always 'get' where im coming from. 

I dont expect to be judged because my 'ideal' does not fit with someone elses, disagree by all means but disparaging comments have no place.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

not today...nothing will bring me down

Mostly i love my job, i work in a school, mostly with children that have learning or behavioural problems and one little chap i work with is autistic i have been supporting him in school for nearly 8 months now and its been difficult, frustrating even at times.  He doesnt handle change well he likes routine and everything in order and he doesnt interact with other children well they may as well not exist, its been a worry whether he will progress to the juniors in September.

Today im on cloud 9 nothing will bring me down today, we had a breakthrough, no he did, he gave me some of his grapes....this is a big thing for him.  At snacktimes he always has his little tub of grapes he doesnt share anything he rarely will show compassion or indeed any emotion towards others and he cant cope with any unexpected emotion towards him. 

I always sit close by at snacktimes with my own fruit and today i thought i would try a different tactic, i opened my bowl which was empty and just quietly to myself said "oh dear i have forgot my snack" and carried on writing in my note book.  He came over and put 2 grapes in my tub, i said thankyou to him and he just went back to his chair to continue eating his, i wanted to hug him i was so happy but i cant he wouldnt handle that......it may seem such a little thing but its not for him it was a huge thing...its been slow going but its progress.

Today reminded me of why and how much i love my job.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Holding back his sadism

I was reading a blog post earlier and my mind went a wandering and well i do that, its been on my mind for a while now.

A few months back we had a hard session if not one of the more intense ones we have had, well for me it was i dont think it was for him, you see i have a major hang up...i worry i dont  fill his sadistc needs to be fair he has never made me feel this way..its me.  I have this paranoia because of my lack of experience my 5 years compared to his 30  (yes he is a fair bit older than me), he has done a lot, seen a lot, whereas for me im still learning and trying new things.

The irony is when i was looking i wanted someone older than me someone with lots of experience and the age gap isnt an issue...i was more excited when he turned 50 than he was (yeah i know im wierd like that).  The fact is his sadism way surpasses my masochism, he holds back i know he does, occassionaly i will get a glimpse of how sadistic he wants to be but he is far too self controlled to unleash fully...that should bring me comfort shouldnt it?......it doesnt i want to fill all his needs.

This session we had at the time was horrid i really really didnt enjoy it at the time, i cried, screamed begged for him to stop...basically i was a mess, it took me a while to get over it mentally more than the physically, he loved it, i have never seen him so determined, driven and cold...he was in his element but still he held back..i know he did.  I resented him and i was withdrawn for a while, i needed time to process what had happened.

Now a few months on and we have had sessions since then which are good dont get me wrong but no where near as intense, he was more tolerant, he hurt me but not as much as he has hurt me on previous times even before the 'horrible' session.  I havent spoken to him about this (its easier to write my thoughts down sometimes than to do it face to face) and i should im the first to preach about the importance of communication but has he held back because of how i reacted and the effect it had on me....in other words am i holding him back?

The biggest issue im having is now i look back on that session and it turns me on, his cruelty excites me, knowing that he really loved it excites me, i want to go back and handle it differently but i cant it was what it was, its easy now to say i want it but when your there and its happening its a completley different ballgame.  I remember standing there defiantly refusing to get on the cross i didnt want the whip it was a stand off, battle of the wills you could say, eventually i got on the cross he wasnt going to back down and i respect him for that more now....i appreciate it, i needed it.  Im not saying i want it always to be like that i dont, and he does always tend to push me harder anyway but i want that glimpse again of that hard cold sadist who is immune to my tears and begging...just occassionaly.

Monday, 12 March 2012

The lightbulb is dimming

You know those famous lightbulb moments...i get them and i think yay i have got it...but then it dims and im back to square one.  I used to strive for perfection but perfection doesnt really exist does it?   I start questioning am i submissive enough but what is submissive enough, i read blogs and sometimes i think why cant it come as easily to me, where am i going wrong.

I overthink things i know i do, its a bad trait but one i cant seem to shake off, one day im really confident with myself and the next i can be having moments of doubt, i should be moving forwards surely but it feels like im stuck in this place of focusing too much on what im really crap at and there are lots of things im not too good in but its being unsure of where im going next that distracts me.

I cant make sense of myself half the time, do i need to, i should follow his lead i want to follow his lead, i want to be this positive really obedient submissive but im not.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Internal enslavement

Internal enslavement is fundementally about consent, it cannot be taken by force it requires time, patience and lots of communication, there must be consent at the beginning when starting this process. 

There is much talk of having the right mindset and this has always baffled me, as individuals is it not fair to say that we all think differently, react differently, so how can we define what is the right mindset?  In the beginning i liked labeling myself as a slave it was hot it was kinky and it just sounded better...how naive i was. 

A slave should have no limits or safewords its often said or used to distinguish between sub and slave, and i have in the past said this myself i admit that....yeah well like i said naive.   I have grown since then and i have a better understanding of what internal enslavement is about....its about how i think, what i think, having the outer walls that i have built up around me chipped away, to be completley open, to be accepting of what i am.

It makes you vunerable, dependent even when you let someone in completley, all your inner feelings and thoughts shared and this in turn is what makes it so difficult because when you become so dependent on someone else there is the fear of it all falling apart or worse being abandoned.

I wander how you find that balance of being able to completley give over everything physically but more importantly emotionally and mentaly without losing yourself along the way,  its a struggle, i struggle it holds me back because i fight against completley letting go, i guess im scared of where it will lead me.

Slave, sub who is to say what they mean, im submissive and i believe very much in internal enslavement...its more than just doing its a thought process.

Friday, 9 March 2012

5 years on...trip down memory lane

I think its around this time 5 years ago we first met up, im not very good with dates, im not very good with talking feelings and emotions either, im reluctant to let people in...you risk getting hurt when you do that..but damn it this is going to be a positive post...its been 5 years for goodness sake....thats good..no its not good its bloody amazing.

Its been a very good 5 years i would never have expected it to last this long (ok im working on being positive), im certainly a lot more secure now in my place with him, i dont tend to feel as needy as i used to, yes have the odd moments but i guess im content....would i want more?  of course i always want more of him but you make the best of what you have.

We have had lots of amazingly good times a few bumps along the way, you have to have the bumps i think i dont think any relationship of any dynamic is without its bumps.   So this time five years ago, and i still remember the first time more than i do the more recent times.....

I didnt follow the recommended guidelines of safety when meeting up the first time (i know im such a rebel lol)  no one knew whom i was meeting, where it was to, we had spoken online and on the phone for a couple of months and that was enough so we planned to meet up.

I was so nervous an excited nervous i had had one previous D/ relationship so i had a taster enough to know this is what i wanted, needed.  I arrived first and the waiting for him was the horrible bit just getting more and more anxious, wandering if i was doing the right thing, when he arrived i remember feeling relief that he had turned up but not knowing what to say or do....it was like back being a teenager on a first date!

We sat on the bed talked a lot which relaxed me and eased my nerves then we kissed and i remember putting my hand down onto his dick, we was fully dressed, but he pulled my hand away saying not yet.....see the man was infuriating even back then and has just got worse with age!

He had me stand up infront of him and undress to my underwear whilst he sat there and watched and then stood touching my ass, tits etc..talk about feeling like cattle on display in a farmers market!  He tied me to the end of the bed (it was a 4 poster) and blindfolded me, oh fuck i was nervous but very turned on, he attached pegs on my tits, feeling my pussy to see my reaction and he had also stripped off.

He untied me and put a pillow under my bum/lower back whilst i was laid on the bed and then we had sex (with a condom..safety police!) of course it was good it bloody good.  It was a good 2 days and 2 nights, exploring pain, i had my first taste of a flogger and a cane on my tits and he caned my ass, the thing i remember specifically is when he caned me it got to a point where i asked it to stop and he asked if i would take 3 more for him, i had a safeword in place at this point but i wasnt close to using it, i took the extra 3.  Now i realise i think that this was a start in judging how i would respond to being pushed that little bit further than i wanted to go..i could be wrong but he does tend to even now when i have had enough ask me to take that little bit more..not always....well actually let me correct that now he doesnt ask he insists.

There is more so much more......and hopefully much more to come in the future.

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Nature or nurture

Its question time this month apparently so my biggest one (question that is) is what contributes to making us who we are, why are we submissive or dominant, masochistic etc, is it nature or nurture? Can people be made submissive or dominant? is it just the way we are or is it the influences we encounter growing up and into adulthood? or both?

ok so more than one question....something i do wander about.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

asymmetric expectations

I think its reasonable to have expectations, there are things i expect from my Master off the top of my head..leaving aside emotional needs

to keep me safe....(in regards to s&m)
to be honest with me
to be consistent
to push me to be the best i can (for him and for me)

His expectations of me are different apart from being honest that works both ways, but there are things i dont expect from him and that list would be much longer..even off the top of my head...because there is an element of us being unequal.

This is a relationship that is asymmetrical, ie having no balance and misproportioned, he can have expectations of me that i dont with him for example if he asked to see my emails then i would hand them over, i would not expect the same from him and it would not cross my mind to want to.

This leads to privacy...simply any privacy i have is what he allows me i am not to keep anything that he needs or wants to know from him, this does not work both ways, of course unless its something that would be detrimental to either or both of us.

I think the term asymmetric is more apt than using the term unequal because its about the lack of balance....the scales definitley tip more in his favour....is this right?  oh thats a whole different issue altogether.....do i think this is fair? no i dont but this in itself is what makes the relationship  asymmetric it is what i think in some ways defines D/s or M/s dynamics..well for me anyway.

Monday, 5 March 2012

Purple boobies

Its not very often i will put photos up but im so proud of these marks especially as it bloody hurt getting them, the chair (see previous post) was just the beginning of the torment...he wasnt finished. After getting out the chair he put my arms behind my back and secured them with an arm binder which fits from wrists to just below shoulder, i struggled against this it really is uncomfortable. 

He used the paddle some more as well as this smaller flogger but i wasnt being very co-operative so he said he would bind my tits if i kept moving which just made my eyes light up....i love having my tits bound with rope, i love the tightneness of it.  I knelt in front of him as he sat in a chair and secured the rope around them a fair few times and behind the neck creating a rope bra effect, my tits just stuck out nice and firm but most of all nice and sensitive....the advantage of having them bound is they bruise much more easily.

He had me sit on the spanking bench, he stood behind me with one arm grasping me around the neck and in the other a whip, i couldnt move and i actually didnt want to, it hurt yes but this time was differrrent and im struggling to define how, it may have helped that he allowed me to play with myself at the same time.  I dont know how many it was or for how long it lasted its all very blurry now even though it was only a couple of days ago.

The next morning when we woke up i was delighted with the bruises that had come up over night, so was he, he likes to see the results of his work he says.  I love being marked and will relish these bruises for as long as they last it makes all the pain in getting them worthwhile although i dont think quite like that at the time. So im being brave and putting a piccy up.










Sunday, 4 March 2012

The Torture Chair

When he said to me "we need to mark your tits up its been too long"  i felt dread as well as thinking what do you mean "we"!  but i figured there was no point questioning that i knew what he meant.....i dont like tit torture or rather its not my most favourite thing.

He had me stand up with hands behind my back and he used a paddle with holes in it...my hands didnt stay behind my back i kept moving them to cover myself...i do not like that paddle, as i couldnt keep my hands still he put me in the chair.

The chair is as obviously stated a chair but it has straps to secure the 'victim' in, wrists, ankles, and waist so you are rendered immobile but it doesnt stop there..oh no it has an attachment at the front much like a gate which opens and closes and secures to the chair .  The 'gate' has 2 bars one lower than the other and these bars have chains with clamps attached on the end this is all connected to a winch on the gate which can be turned to pull the chains tighter. ...the clamps connect to the nipples and the clit.




There is no head cage on the one we used.  As he is securing me in i start to beg, i was due on so more sensitive than usual and im damn sure i didnt want my nipples clamped and yanked but this wasnt deterring him, he started turning the winch....and i screamed, i called him names, told him i hated him, and he laughed, his fingers in my pussy confirmed what he knew already i was dripping wet.  He used a whip on my tits and i was helpless no hands getting in his way now, i pleaded to let me have one of my hands free to use the magic wand and he allowed this.....oh yes as i brought myself off he pulled more on the winch and there was the perfect balance of pain and pleasure.....until he removed the clamps!

I hate that i love that chair.

withdrawl symptoms

I havent had access to blogger this weekend via my own laptop and him being a meanie wouldnt let me on, he sat there in the restaurant on his iphone reading one of my posts and wouldnt let me on not because of anything specific but because i think he just enjoys winding me up for the sake of it...i came close to getting a bit pissy but held back...whoa yes im getting better!

What i actually realised and did admit to him is that i have become a bit addicted to blogging again after having roughly 2 years away from it, and im very protective of my blog, thankfully he lets me get on with it with no interference...read that as i dont want him on my blog!  ok i cant stop him it is in his email address plus i wouldnt/couldnt say no to him, anyway but he has no interest in contributing....it was set up for me, its my little corner of the world and im possessive of that little corner.

A good weekend im on a high still,  i will write about some elements of it, i like to get my thoughts down but at the moment im relishing being on my high...hoping there wont be a low or sub drop if you prefer.