Sunday, 29 April 2012

Warning *this jar of peanut butter contains nuts*

Better to be safe than sorry?

Yep i can agree with statement it applies to so many situations and its a phrase i have often used myself and will again many more times, within a bdsm context its more ssc (safe, sane, consensual) and sometimes the safety police will come down on you like a ton of bricks if you deviate from ssc..but what about rack (risk aware consensual kink)? oh dear safety police dont like rack it implies your not being safe.

I have no issue with ssc but rack applies more to our dynamic simply because some of the kink that we engage is not regarded as safe or sane come to that, there is more risk involved for example breath play hence the risk aware part most commonly its forms of edge play where rack is more appropriate.

Using breath play as an example, it is something we both enjoy whether it be in a mild form or to the extreme but either way there is risk involved, a risk we are both aware of and yet we choose to engage in it still.  On a personal level for me my enjoyment comes from the buzz of having my ability to breathe under his control, my favourite form being wearing a rubber hood which just has 2 thin nasel tubes which he can clamp closed to cut off my air supply....close second his hands around my throat simply because its more personal.

Now the safety police, these are people i refer to that sit in judgement of those that engage in risky activities, and are quick to point out all the things that could go wrong and yes there is lots that could go wrong within any activity, they the ones that point out all the medical problems that could be caused, and question your sanity!  Just to confirm i am healthy, we are both of sane mind and  i have all my limbs attached thankyou very much.

The key points are being Risk Aware, i work for a school and have done numerous risk assesments which are required by law when taking children out of school premises, so it means filling in a lengthy form detailing the possible risks and giving them a rating to determine how high or low the risk is and what can be put in place to avoid said risks and then an assesment is made on whether the trip out is is it worth the risk. 

This is similar to how we view s/m without the form filling, assess what the risks are, how they can be minimised and hopefully avoided, these are bossmans decisions and i trust him to make them coz trust is well established and i know he is of sane mind, consent is always a given, i gave my consent when i agreed to this dynamic....but you know what on odd occasions he asks me to re-affirm that consent when we discuss how our relationship is going etc to consolidate that we are both happy with what we want from this relationship and where it is going.

I always find the issue of consent a dodgy subject because there is that murky line of consenual non-consent which is a paradox of sorts, i think a vital ingredient is trust which is paramount to any relationship and perhaps more importantly in M/s dynamics...but back to consenual non-consent how does this work.

A scenario...and for the sake of the scenario lets assume they have been together for a few years.

Sub asks her dominant to cage her for an hour, it is discussed and agreed, the cage she goes..after about 20 minutes sub is bored it wasnt as exciting as she imagined it would be, she wants out...the dom refuses on the grounds the hour is not up.  The sub protests she is not happy she is withdrawing her consent, still the dom refuses, there is no health/mental or physcial  reasons why she wants out its just boredom and not liking it, when the hour is up she is released.

Yes i have been in this position in the respect that he has done something that i wanted and asked for and i didnt like it, i wanted it to end...and no he didnt end it..and i was not happy afterwards...i sulked..but i got over it (after being told a few home truths)...moral of the careful what you wish for! anway im deviating

Is the dominant acting ethically? i believe so, of course this is a simple scenario but it can apply to many other situations and this is what cnc (consensual non consent) means to me, i cannot change the parameters that have been agreed on on a whim.  Truthfully there have been times i have wanted something to stop, i have sworn at those very moments that i did not sign up for this (not just within s/m)..he takes no notice...he has my previously agreed consent but more importantly he has my trust.

Ok so i went off on a completley different track than where i was originally going...oh well.

Friday, 27 April 2012

Learning lessons

Its been an unsettling week, i havent been at my best, my mood has been at best congenial and at worst complete bitch so i have avoided blogging i couldnt even bring myself to comment much because if i cant say anything nice i wont say anything at all that doesnt make me sound a nice person at all really and being honest this week i havent been.

I havent orgasmed in over a bloody week and no pain not even a teeny weeny bit but im sufferring all the same, i havent done anything wrong its a choice, his choice one im not terribly happy about of course its not stopping him from getting his needs not bloody stupid there is a lesson being taught here....he doesnt tend to do things without a purpose, its very rare he will do something just because he can.  I moaned a while back about how sometimes i wished he would deny me orgasms....why did i moan about that!!! he generally allows me plenty of sexual release, so im not getting any pain because pain does give me sexual not getting any outlet.

So its effecting my mood and i have to tread carefully because i know a big problem i have is temper, im not so good at controlling my emotions when i feel agrieved when i feel he is being unfair even though i know its not unfair.....he decides how and when i get pleasure and i should be appreciatative when he does allow it....oh yes see i know a lesson is being taught but im not going to let my temper get the better of me...not this time well im trying hard.....telling him "being good is over-rated" in a stroppy tone of voice because being good doesnt get me anything is not the way to go (which i did recently).....yes i know the message this lesson is is

I should be good because it pleases him and i want/need to do that not because i seek to be rewarded, my reward is knowing i am pleasing him and his needs come before mine, should he choose to refuse me anything at any time i should accept this without complaint, without sulking, pouting or any other undesirable trait.

Ok lesson learned.

Monday, 23 April 2012

The buck stops here

I think as much as i at times struggle with this mindfield of submission i dont take much time to consider that its not always a walk in the park for dominants either, in some ways perhaps for them its a different mindfield, different challenges, they are after all the ones taking responsibility of being in control, making the decisions...and in some dynamics as it is with mine....the buck stops with them.....thats a hell of a lot of responsibilty to shoulder.
Sure for us thats the way we like and prefer it, he is a man that likes to be in control not just within our relationship but pretty much all aspects of his life, he likes order and structure, he knows what he wants and when he sets his mind to something he gives it his all....yes ok the man is very what i actually mean is he is very confident, focused and determined.

So because he is this way i tend to take his dominance for granted, i have this expectation that he will always make everything ok, for the most part i am obedient and i do make an effort to make life easier for him, when i do have my wobbly moments i look to him to fix it and put me back on the right track and he does each and every time.  I can get very needy at times...but you know i think he doesnt mind that, i think he likes the fact that i am to a certain degree dependent on his dominance..i wander if thats to do with the being in control element? it would seem likely so.

But taking all this into consideration, its a lot to put on a person, and although dominants may well choose and prefer this course it cant always be plain sailing for them, i certainly couldnt and wouldnt want the inclined to think that for all the moaning and difficulties i go through i have the easy bit which comes as a bit of a realisation because i have always been convinced that dominants have it the easiest as its nearly always their way.

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Just hilarious

Had to post this, its got to be one of the most honest reviews of a product i have ever come accross, just read the still laughing.

Friday, 20 April 2012


I find that this lifestyle or more particularly these relationships can be quite isolating, i have great family and many friends and a couple of close friends and only one of those knows some of what our relationship is about...yet i have never touched on it being  M/s, the kink side im more relaxed with but i dont feel comfortable sharing that i submit to him beyond the bedroom ...although im pretty sure she has a good idea that its more than what i let on...its just left undiscussed.

We havent stayed in touch with the couples we have met (play and social wise) and its been a few years now, im not sure why i think its been a combination of many things, both of us being too busy work wise, the issues it caused between us and a few of them their relationships ended... so i guess we just slowly drifted.....there is only one couple that i wish we had stayed in more contact with even if the dom did keep calling me subbie lol...gosh i hate being called irrates me just as much as when people say to children doggie or horsey...ok im digressing.

Im by no means ashamed of our dynamic but nor would i feel comfortable exposing those in vanilla relationships to it, with all the best will in the world unless they have an interest in this lifestyle or are active themselves then i dont think they are going to understand and i dont want to be judged or be the topic of the local gossip mongers....i prefer to keep my private life just that..private.

So its isolating in the respect that its not like these people are going to understand or would be able to relate to me and therefore my relationship not just because of the kink but more so the dynamics of it, telling the bossman he can kiss my ass in response to his request for a blowjob as my friend told her husband just wouldnt cut it for me...i like having skin thankyou very much.

Most of the time it doesnt bother me but yet there are times when i feel like having a good rant and yes a moan, we have problems the same as any other couple but perhaps of a different kind and in a different way...and its these times i find the hardest, i have him to talk to yes and he is a great listener but well its not the same...its these times when i feel isolated.....its also why i picked up blogging again because its an outlet to compensate for those odd times of feeling isolated.

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Happily laughing

Well i said i would do a happy post so i suppose i had better.

We have had lots of good happy times and no doubt will have many more, its not all rules, rituals, nasty pain and fighting his authority which i do more than i should..there is fun, there is moments of just being, enjoying each others company, just laughing....the dynamic is always present that is a constant and one we both need.

I look back and can laugh at some of the situations and 'scenes' we have had that may not have always gone the way they was meant to, my horror at discovering these innocent looking nipple clamps with rubber ends actually revealed the rubber could be removed to reveal crocodile teeth underneath and my absolute conviction that they surely was for display purposes only....oh the naivety.

He can be so serious and deadpan at times but yet he makes me laugh, sitting in the car listening to his tirade of critisicm of other drivers, cursing at the sat nav if 'she' dares tell him he has taken a wrong turning, sitting in a restaurant and his iphone beeps with a reminder for him that he jotted down earlier in the week "need to beat tori harder" i kid you not! i wouldnt be surprised if he scheduled sex in as well.

Laughing is good, to laugh together and at each other and at ourselves, yes we engage in a lot of heavy s/m but we also have fun with it as well and i like the balance of that, i wouldnt want to constantly fear 'sessions'.  He laughs when i make a drama out of having to lie accross a leather spanking bench naked and its cold on the skin...the irony at the time lost on me that the coldness is the least of my worries, i sometime laugh when im being beaten and i cant stop, i love to turn my head to look at him and he is laughing at my laughing although im not sure why im laughing as its meant to be painful he says...even though we both know he could make it more so..sometimes its more about the enjoyment.

And most of all just talking about anything and everything, lying in bed watching stupid comedies but yet laughing along, i love the heavy stuff, i love the security his strictness gives me but mostly i love being happy and mostly i am.

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Oh no..the mother effect

I have just realised i am turning into my mother....this is not a good thing, im finding as im getting older and im only 36  im becoming a grouch..its true i moan a lot more about life this normal? my mum moans about everything, she picks up the paper and we all have to hear her very long views on whats going wrong with this country/world...omg thats me.

It must stop, i cant become that person, i was replying to mouse on my last post and i thought my i will keep the grouch posts to a minimum...feel free to tell me to shut up and enjoy life if i grouch again too much next post will be positive, it will be will be happy goddamit.

Olympic losers

As a citizen of the uk i am meant to be proud that our country is hosting the Olympics, im told i should be it is after all a big event....but im not, the whole debacle is leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth.  ok im not a sports fan but thats not it, its the amount of money that is being poured into it that doesnt sit right with me...not when our country like many others is in a financial begs the question who is paying for the olympics and who is most likely to gain.

The cost has so far exceeeded what was intially thought but that was to be expected so we are told, so taxpayers in london have had their council tax increased to 'help' fund what they are told will be benefical to them! really beneficial how?  oh yes of course when the olympics is over there will be a new 500 acre urban park for the my aunt (who lives in London) sarcastically (yes it runs in the family) said she may well end up living in the said park in a tent with her husband and kids because the increases in taxes and the cost of just living are more than what her family can cope with and they were living on the breadline before....and thats just one example im sure there are many, many more.

I concede that no one can predict how much exactly the olympic games will cost to host but if we look at past hosting cities they tend to always run over budget and in many cases make a loss...and whats it all for oh yes the prestige of hosting the olympics im sure thats great comfort to the many that are struggling to put food on the table.

It sickens me that all this money and its billions is being spent on sport, yet schools are sufferring, i go into work yesterday to be told that one of the children whom i work one on one with has had funding withdrawn..the reason? there is no money in the pot to pay for it, so this child who really needs it will now get lost in the system and the probable outcome is they will fall behind and once you start slipping its that much harder to catch back up....and there are going to be further cuts.

So as a uk citizen what exactly have i got to be proud of? that we spend billions on sport but we have thousands millions even of families struggling to keep a roof over their heads, to live a reasonable life.

The only ones who will truely benefit is those at the top of the food chain, (the very rich folks)...i suppose its always been that way and more than likely always will be...history does have a tendencey to repeat itself.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Before the internet

How did dominants, submissives, those into bdsm etc connect before the internet?  I wandered this after my daughters display of horror after talking to her about my childhood and that i didnt have the internet when i was her age or mobile phones come to anyway yes it got me thinking how did they connect?

My Master first discovered this lifestyle when he was at university so aged about 17 i think and he is 50 now so yes well there was definitly no internet then umm was there even computers!  he got involved with a women (i seem to recall he said she was quite a bit older than him but i might be mistaken) and she opened his eyes to it all.  Im going to have to interrogate him about back then a bit more, he says that it was very much word of mouth, knowing the right people in the know, knowing where to all seems a bit vague to me.  He has travelled to a fair few countries in the past on business and has had 'experiences' in some of them, i mean how do you know where to go or what is the right thing to say to the right people? 

Of course now we have the internet which makes bdsm and meeting people more accessible, for people like myself it was where i discovered this whole lifestyle and helped me to realise that im not abnormal.  Its just so different now i guess besides from the internet you have munches, clubs etc that are more accessible for those that have an interest and want to learn more....but i do wander if just because its easier now does that make it necessarily better?  i dont know and i cant say whether it was better then or now.

So if there are any 'mature' readers reading this who were in the lifestyle pre internet i would love to hear your opinions.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Not for the squeamish.. that includes me!

Exploring s/m is endless i think, i have learnt and am still learning that there are so many different and various possibilities out there to inflict pain, to torment and tease somethings still shock and and leave me with that jaw dropping expression....much to his amusement.  He uses my curiosity to his advantage i am terribly curious and when an image or a suggestion is 'fed' to me its like a seed being planted in my head and slowly with a lot of 'nourishment' it grows and i have to pick it...i have to experience what has made me so curious...this can take weeks, months or longer but eventually i will say "i would like to try xyz".....and he has got me exactly where he wanted me.

He gave me a video to watch perhaps a year ago maybe longer, i dont have to watch them but you know curiosity and all that so i watched it of course and it was hard bdsm and there was a scene of a women tied with her back to a cross no big deal there.  Oh then the dominant picked up these thin rods (which were it turns out skewers!) perhaps 7/8 inches in length and i couldnt think for the life of me what they was for..then he grabbed one of her breasts and slowly pushed one of the rods through it....omg right throught the bloody tit!...yes it was one of those jaw dropping way thats just..well seriously people do was a bit like those times when you dont want to watch but you just have to because you cant quite believe what your the seed was planted.

I put it to one side adamant that this way beyond what i wanted to experience and ignored the tell tale throbbing between my legs because it was far too much for me to comprehend.  He asked if i had watched it and i said that i had and that it didnt interest me or arouse me (yes i lied..i know shocker) he just grinned in that know as if to say i know your lying but i will let this one go.

So i had to watch it again of course just to confirm that it didnt interest me, i still felt the same..i did really, and i had to buy some of these skewers just to see what they actually looked like..nothing more..honestly.  He has on odd occasions asked me about them and we have discussed it, no pressure just little reminders to keep me fed.

So i have them, they havent been used yet they are here hidden away, taunting me, and i know he is waiting and he wont have to wait much longer because i need to know, i need to know what it will be like.. and i will ask.

Edited to add....truthfully im not sure i really want to try terrifies me but i just cant get it out my head.

Thursday, 12 April 2012

I am a bad slave

I am...i have been informed by a dominant that no slave should ever be disrespectful to their Master or at all, what can i say i have obviously not studied the mandatory slave handbook can i redeem myself..

Seriously wtf im sorry if i dont write about how wanderful it is all the time (and mostly it is great), or how much i adore and worship the man (because i do) but reality isnt like that all the time.

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

You cant physically punish a masochist.....really?

No i havent done anything wrong coz im really good...mostly...(he would probably disagree)

We do use punishment in our relationship and its not to be confused with play, if i am to be punished it means i have disobeyed or displeased him in some way that i should have known better, i dont like being punished and that is the point of it..its not something i want or will act up intentionally to get.

I dont get punished very often, certainly not as much as i used to because i like doing as im told, i like pleasing him, mostly when i am its my mouth thats gets me into trouble, i do have a huge habit of not enagaging brain before speaking and being blatantly disrespectful will usually earn me punishment most definitley if its because im stroppy that something hasnt gone my way.

The first time i recall a physical punishment and is one i wont forget.  He said to me it would be a caning i wasnt overly worried and less so when he said it would be 6 strokes...seriously thats like a love pat for me..the cane is by far my most favourite implement and i struggle with a lot of things but i can take a long hard caning..what could i possibly have to worry about?  i was even a bit cocky about it.

The difference was immediate and noticable before he had even picked the cane up, his demenour for a start now im the first to say that he can be cruel and harsh but he wasnt even that he was determined, focused, he certainly wasnt playful but nor was he in what i call full on sadist mode.

So i sensed that this was different, the panic set in when after restraining me onto the whipping bench he went straight for the cane....i have always had a warm up whether it had been with his hand, flogger or belt, he has always ensured that im warmed up well enough to take a hard caning and the caning has always been built up gradually to harder and harder strokes.   I remember asking him what about my warm up and he replied with "this is a punishment, your not getting one, and you will count each stroke" and with that the first blow came at full i detest counting oh and he made me kiss the cane before he started..that was new!

Fucking hell it hurt no thats an understatement i was damn sure i wasnt going to survive another 5 more im not even sure how i managed to find my breath to cry out "one"..when the caning was over he asked if i wanted more (in a smug kind of way)..i know that was said in reference to my earlier cocky attitude and the fact that most usually when he pauses longer than i like between strokes i will beg for more, and sometimes even when he has stopped i will beg for more...nope wasnt begging for more this time.

Im a masochist, pain in a controlled environment does arouse me it can provide me with sexual gratification, this caning aroused me but under no circumstances was it pleasurable even though my body responded differently.  I still fear a hard caning with no warm up as a punishment for me its effective, the biggest thing though was the mental aspect..he drew a very clear line of the difference between pain for play and pain as punishment.

Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Ttwd??? another label

TTWD ..i dont get it i really dont, i dont like the term it just seems non-descriptive, covers a broad area and whether we may like labels or not they have their use but ttwd doesnt in my opinion make a clear distinction of what actually the thing we do is! and i like clarity lol

For example someone may ask me if i like ice cream and yes i do, they could get me a bowl of strawberry ice cream but i dont like strawberry ice cream or coffee or rum n raisen i like chocolate, vanilla (haha) and mint flavours....but they are all still ice cream.....and this is how i feel about ttwd it is too random ie not specific enough for my liking.  If you got to a shop and ask for an ice cream they are going to ask you what flavour...still with me lol

I like labels that give a more clearer picture, are understood, if i say i practice bdsm (label) in an  M/s (label) dynamic and follow the principles of rack (label) then it gives a more clear definition of what i enjoy and engage in, the type of realtionship im in....rather than saying a ttwd which says very little.

Anyway thats my thoughts on that!

I do believe im a bit bewildering...sometimes

I have this fascination lately with being cathetersized and its something i would like to explore, i would like to try it.  For me its about the giving up control of one of the basic of being able to go to the toilet, when in his presence i have to ask to use the bathroom, mostly permission is granted but sometimes he will make me wait until he says i can go...its just another demonstration of the control he has over me and over a basic need.

Im finding that as we go along and the control he exerts over me becomes routine, the norm if you like that i want to up the ante, i want more.  Its like orgasm control, during sex and s/m im pretty much allowed to cum freely, im not allowed to touch myself sexually or bring myself to orgasm without permission but i can ask and mostly he will allow it...and then sometimes i get annoyed because he has allowed it....i have wanted him to say no and then get shirty because he said yes....i know its not logical...why ask when you dont want to actually cum...but i do want to i just dont want to be allowed to....yes i can understand why he finds me bewildering at times.

Monday, 9 April 2012

Ever decreasing circles

Its late im tired but i cant sleep, its been a very hectic day but enjoyable, the egg hunt was a success the children had a wanderful time, and it was nice to be with all the family and friends but it was nice to see them all leave as much as i love them....I hope everyone who celebrates Easter had a good weekend.

Im not myself, im restless, Master is busy, really busy with work i know its usually around this time that he is so i tend to keep things in even more than i usually do because i dont want to add to all what he has going on.   I know what i get like, i get insecure, needy and irrational and instead of dealing with these feelings i bottle them up, hide them away and wait it out until it comes to a head....and it always does come to a head.

There are many things im not good at or struggle with but what im very very good at is putting on a front, the brave know like when people ask you how you are and you say very politley "yes im very well thanks, all is fine" but really your not.....its how i deal with things, most especially emotions and feelings.   This blog is my outlet, sometimes i let out more than i usually do, i am (outside of blogger) a private person, i dont mind my own company and its certainly more preferable than being in a large crowd.... Master is a more sociable person than me but i think that comes down to confidence....he is far more confident than me.

When we go out he is comfortable engaging in conversation with people, strangers wheras i will but im also happy to stand back and listen, im a better listener than i am at talking, i enjoy listening to him, hearing about his past, before me, what he has done, he has experienced so much more and i mean in life generally not just bdsm......i like listening to other people full stop.

So i wont dwell on the issues going around my head at the moment, i will put them away until they have to be confronted.....yes im very good at avoiding issues....unfortunately he is very good at making me address them....sometimes the easy way and sometimes not......i go around in circles it feels like and that circle eventually get smaller and smaller until there is nothing to go around anymore.

Saturday, 7 April 2012

What if...........

We have 'played' with other couples whom we know in this lifestyle in the past not so much anymore, i have bar one occassion enjoyed those times, i have always maintained im not a jealous natured person and sexually im not....i have no problem with watching another women give him sexual pleasure in fact it turns me on big time...what i have had and still would have a problem with (should he decide to renew our 'playing' with others)  is another women submitting to him...he is my Master goddamit....and i dont like submitting to anyone else either including sexual use...this brings me to a point of conflict, makes me question us, our dynamic...and mostly i guess my submission.

We have had many, many discussions over my feelings towards interacting with others they usually end up with me getting irratible over his apparent inability to understand what im trying to get accross, i can admittedly understand that i realise im a contradiction...i have enjoyed it albeit mostly afterwards so whats the problem..oh and he is always quick to point out that it makes me very wet and i cant keep my hands off him afterwards and yes this is all true it is i cant deny that....but ffs its not about the sex or how wet i get...i get very aroused very easily he knows that...its how it makes me feel in my head...emotionally that i struggle with....why is that so hard to understand....each time the subject is brought up im filled with dread not excitement....its about my submission...which is his and i bloody well begrudge giving it to others even if it is just a teeny weeny part.

What always ends the discussion is his statement of....yes you are my slave and as such your submission is mine to do with as i like...its what you wanted..what i made you think really long and hard about if this is this what you wanted...i told you from the start what i would expect/demand from you and you wanted this,......and i did and i do.

I dont want to dictate my submission but i realise i try to but sometimes its not about dictating or trying to negotiate and heck i know all too well that submission is a piece of cake when its something you like and enjoy its when confronted with areas that you are not so keen on and/or dislike that really tests that submission...and i dont mean just s/m but all areas.....its difficult....and what if i dont want or cant embrace who or what i apparentley am...what if i just get pushed that bit too far...what then.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Happy Hunting

Was up until very late last night well in to the early hours writing out clues for the Easter egg hunt on Sunday which im holding in the garden....17 children! i must be bonkers but i love it, its a great time to get family and friends together.  Im taking a break now from the baking....85 little chocolate eggs made....17 large ones, one huge chocolate easter cake and so far 36 chick shaped cookies...yep definitely bonkers.....tonight 17 baskets/bags to be made.

They have been allocated 6 eggs each all personalised so they get their ones only, they start off with a clue to find the first egg and then another clue with that egg to find the next one etc etc, it was quite a challenge having to think of different clues to suit the different age ranges but its worth it to see them all having fun.

We was invited to an adult alternative Easter egg hunt which i did find really appealing but definitely couldnt make this one not on the Easter weekend but it does sound much fun.  Its being hosted by a couple who own a dungeon we have frequented and the gist is the subs have to find the eggs hidden throughout the building (its a very large building) and each egg comes with either a reward or a consequence... im a bit gutted we cant make this as i think it will be a very entertaining evening!

Now back to the baking.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Keep those strings away from me!

Met up with some colleagues for lunch from work yesterday and one of the ladies has been dating a fellow workmate for a good few months.  So we was having a good catch up as its the school holidays and we naturally asked how things were going in the romance department..ok translate that as being nosy.

Well i havent laughed so much in ages, we all did but with her not at her, the gentlemen in question is a really nice bloke i work with him a fair bit as he is head of senco (special educational needs co-ordinator) and i work under him.  He is always very smartly dressed in suits (do have a weakness for men in suits myself) so she was saying that at the weekend it was planned that he would stay the night coz they havent done the dirty (her words not mine lol).

So she says they had a really nice day and evening and as usual he was smartly dressed, she had her sexy underwear on and things were progressing really good until he removed his trousers to reveal that he was wearing a g-string and a bright red one no less with a dimante trim!!!....and her immediate reaction was to burst out laughing!  talk about kill the mood.....the poor man quickly donned his trousers and without saying a word did a runner.

Ok so personally g-strings on men hold no appeal to me either i would be mortified if Master stripped off and was wearing one i think i would laugh too but then i dont partcularly like wearing them myself and only tend to if im wearing something that is tight fitting and want to avoid vpl.   Now she is mortified about how to redeem the situation they havent been in contact since and as we concluded the poor bloke is probably embarrassed and laughing did not help...and the laughing was not meant in a demeaning way although i appreciate it could well have come across like it.

Im just mortified about how im going to go back to work with him and keep a straight face!

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Caught in a Web

I wander if its ok to have a certain amount of fear of your dominant or/and of what they do, a recent convo with a submissive had me thinking this and we had very conflicting views.

I am really scared of spiders, recently i had to get my 15yr old son to remove one from the lounge because i couldnt move from where i was sitting...the cheeky sod asked for money to do it and me being a mug gave him a couple of pounds i was that bloody desperate and scared.  I cant move when i see one in the house because i need to know where it is, my fear is that if i dont keep an eye on may well move and then i would be in constant fear of where it i have to stay put until someone comes to my rescue!

Now i know that here in the UK spiders are not harmful, i know they cant hurt me so my fear is irrational and i have tried various methods of getting over this fear but none have worked, my mum says it probably stems from when i was a toddler and staying at an aunts house when my aunt suddenley grabbed me, jumped on the sofa screaming about a spider than had just ran accross the yep thats probably what done it i assume as i cant think of how else the fear got there.

This irrational fear is much the same as the way i feel about certain sessions with Master wherby i know im safe only the difference is i know he is going to hurt me but not damage me, at these times im scared as genuinley scared as i am of spiders.  I am scared of him, i am afraid of what he is going to do and what he does, he likes this fear, he enjoys seeing me shaking, crying and begging him not to do it and then just carries on regardless.....sometimes he will pause and taunt me with feeling my pussy and how wet i am..whispering to me what a dirty slut i am, how can i want it to stop when im so wet...he will listen to my whimpers, my cries of mercy..this just feeds his sadism more.

The problem..well no its not a problem really is that i do enjoy this feeling of fear and i crave it even, i dont want to lose it (unlike the fear of spiders) its a healthy fear if there is such a thing, i dont think fear needs to be seen as a bad thing, its not detrimental to our relationship because the fear is much as it feels real at the time its not, not really.

Sunday, 1 April 2012

Not as bad it sounds.....a reply

A comment i made on a blog has prompted some questions and im going to try to answer them as straightforwardly as i can...i know i can go off on a tangent at times so bear with me kiki lol  Without you having a blog i am unable to get an idea of whether your active in this lifestyle or not so if anything i say comes accross as patronising it is not intended and nor is any offence meant.

Needles were a hard limit for me so i can understand peoples apprehension or fear of them, i was scared of them and they held no interest me, that changed in time and curiosity got the better of me and i asked to try them.  I think this was a combination of our relationship being well established by this time and with that trust and also perhaps more importantlyi felt safe in my submission and with him to want to have my limits pushed.

When i made that comment saying its not as bad as it sounds (ie needles through the nipples) i meant in comparison to clamps, clamps i find the pain lingers and depending on the types of clamps depends on the severity...and they hurt again when they are removed.   Wheras with needles its an intial sharp pain and then that is it, once they are in and when they are removed there is no pain and personally i find this sensation more pleasurable than clamps plus i do enjoy seeing blood...i find that very erotic. 

When googling needle play in bdsm i imagine it will bring up very many different images, because there are many different ways that needles can be used, and there are different sized gauges of needles, some decorative and some not. 

I have not tried tit nailing myself although my Master has with his previous subs and yes its something that appeals to is on the to-do-list lol but as with everything in this lifestyle not everything is going to appeal to everyone...there are some things that i really have no interest in doing for reasons that they scare me or simply just dont appeal.  I will state that before becoming involved with my Master and intially in the beginning of our relationship needles and most definitely tit nailing (which i only realised people did since i got with him) was so definitly not for me and i was adamant about that....funny how people grow and change and things are looked at differently.

When i first heard about this lifestyle my reaction was a mixture of realise that i was normal wanting these kinky things but mostly for me it was about wanting to be controlled/dominated and people did live in and enjoy this lifestyle.... to absolutely scaring the living daylights out of me!  I think there is such a wide diversity within bdsm and the M/s dynamic that it can be overwhelming and it will either intrigue people more or put them obviously well it intrigued me more.

First experiencing it, not just the bdsm but the D/s side was a huge eye opener for me, it answered my questions about whether it was just a fantasy for me or could i do this for real, my first relationship didnt last that long but long enough for me to get a taste and know that i couldnt contemplate going back vanilla.

I hope this helps in giving a clearer view of what i meant...but this is just my opinions and thoughts and as such may differ from someone elses.....what does need to be remembered and i think is important is that there is no right or wrong way.....its the way that works for the individuals that matters.