Friday, 31 January 2014

Keeping it in

What with me not working anymore, i have time on my hands and consequently more time to blog, which at the moment im not thinking is a good thing, i think i have blogged overload this week, but hey this is my last post until after the weekend.

My 2 older brothers often refer to me as 'the brat' and with good reason, im the only girl, the youngest and i guess you could say i had an indulgent childhood...ok yes you can translate that as spoiled, im a daddys girl, even now he will indulge me.

So sometimes i get fixated on getting my own way and i  feel an injustice when i dont get it, Master i learnt from the beginning will not tolerate bratty behaviour, and to be fair im not a brat not in the respect of acting up to get a beating or to get his attention etc, im not a bratty sub.

He stamped on that sort of behaviour right from the start.

He would and will ignore that sort of behaviour, thats not to say i would get away with it but he wouldnt give in to what i would be hoping to achieve by said behaviour...that making any sense?

So it sinks in eventually that it wont be tolerated, that need to be pleasing over-rides the need to have my own way, because by behaving bratty/childish doesnt please him, it disappoints and that is gut wrenching.

Am i difficult?  sometimes yes, sometimes i wander how he has put up with me, at the moment yeah im peed off with him, he wont allow me something i want and the reasonable, accepting me knows that this is his right.

and im struggling to keep myself from behaving in a way he wont approve of, so far im doing ok, at this particular moment the sane part of me knows not to push him right now, well i shouldnt at any time....

but its a struggle, an internal fight with myself.

Thursday, 30 January 2014 apology

Im not going to apologise for what i said re last post, because i stand my ground in that i think there is a huge difference between offering advice, opinions etc and telling someone how they should be, and i believe it was quite offensive to suggest that one knows better than someone else what is good/right for them.

However, it was wrong (inappropriate?) of me to take what was sent to me in a private email and make fun of it in my blog which is in the public arena , my intentions were not nasty but rather i found it funny and i didnt think or consider that by doing this it reflected poorly on me, and i have been reminded of this.

So i apologise.

Dum de dum de dum

 its good to know that you prefer positive reinforcement rather than punishment, absolutely, i agree not all dominants are sadists, great that you wouldnt tolerate a submissive calling you a bastard, its perfectly reasonable that you might think im "too much hard work"  and yes i can see how you might conclude that..oh what was it "are you sure that submission is for you?

I appreciate your advice on how i could "present yourself as a submissive, with my help"........but one thing i have a dominant, and one is quite more than enough, ta very muchly.  Yes im more than willing to pass on your message to him, so you can tell him how i should behave, there is nothing he would enjoy more than having a random, unknown dominant tell him how to "Master your slave".

Yeah good luck with that.

*edited to add*

Why me, am i a numpty magnet? ok so im being a bit harsh, but really!  there is giving advice, opinions etc but think about how you say it.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

The last time......

So i was thinking about the last time Master really pushed me way out my comfort zone, which was a long time ago, well over a year, probably closer to 2, i honestly dont recall if i blogged about it, i dont tend to blog much about sessions we have, dont know why really.

When i was deliberating about asking what i asked for i thought back to this last time, and yes i will admit that at the time as it happened and for a time afterwards, i didnt like it, i didnt like him, it was just horrid.

Its not what actually happened physically (although of course that contributed), it was the emotional impact, there were a lot of 'firsts' and the first time one experiences something new they are sometimes harder to deal with because..well because they new, and i didnt know how to deal with all these emotions that i had.

A lot of it is hazy, the details etc but some of it i remember as though it was yesterday, its those moments that i fantasise about, even now, as much as i detested it at the time, now i find them hot, remembering that as bad as it felt (and was) at the time, much later afterwards there was a sense of accomplishment, i learnt a lot from it, and i loved...hmm perhaps respected is more apt... him more.

One of the moments which turn me on now, he had just let me off the spanking bench, and told me to get on the cross, and i was just so scared, there was no reprieve, just moving onto the next part of my body he wanted to hurt, and i backed away from him, refused to get on the cross.

I was sobbing, saying horrible things to him, throwing down the gauntlet i guess you could say, i was not getting on the cross, and all the while he stood there, whip coiled in his hand, calm, watching me.  Im chuckling now reminiscing, "its going to hurt, a lot" i was mumbling and the bastard just replied "yes, it is".

It was his calmness, all what he said, which now i dont recall much of, and although his words were blunt, that there was no sign of give from him helped me to resign myself to the fact that standing their sobbing and begging wasnt going to get me anywhere, the only way it was going to end was with me getting on the cross.....and i just desperately wanted it all to end.

Another moment was when it did end, thank god, he had undone the restraints on the cross, and i just stood on it, holding on, i didnt want to move, i was in pain, upset, i hated him, he called me to come to him, and i didnt want to but the fight was gone, i felt like there was nothing left of me to give, he was sat in a chair and i think i walked, might have crawled i cant remember, over to him.

He motioned for me to get on my knees, he undid his trousers, and i didnt want to suck his cock, i was angry with him, i didnt want to give him pleasure, i tried to move away but he pulled on my hair, pushing my head down, he said something about maybe i need to get back on the cross, i wasnt going to win this so i took his cock into my mouth, he took his pleasure.

What i struggled with after it was all over was with his lack of feeling, i wanted him to feel 'bad', i wanted him to be sorry for all he had put me through, could he not see how upset i was, how much i was hurting,....i wanted some compassion.

But that was not going to happen, i had served my purpose, i was, am his to use as he sees fit, and this is how he chose to use me at this time, there was nothing to feel bad or sorry about as far as he was concerned.

I got my cuddles later, in bed, and i was still withdrawn, how could this man be so tender and loving when hours before he was so cruel and cold? i couldnt get past that for a long time, i have asked him if he feels compassion when he hurts me in these ways, and no he doesnt.

Im past that now, and so im hoping i wont feel the same way this time, although im prepared for it to be a battle emotionally, i feel im going in more prepared and expectant than i was last time.

The waiting, the anticipation of whats to come is keeping me on edge, torn between excitement and fear, and i will be waiting a while, weeks, it will be on his terms, he has to be in the mood.....fingers crossed i will be in the mood when he is.

Monday, 27 January 2014

Those 3 little words

No, not I love you, but "so be it"

Thats what he said this morning after reading yesterdays post.

"so be it"!!!! is that it?

I was not expecting that, that was it.  Ok so im over analysing but i dont like those words they sound, well like the bells of doom chiming my impending doom.....i wanted "lets discuss this" or his usual "we'll see" then i have time to sort of like realise what im asking for, and maybe just maybe have the opportunity to withdraw it (have to have hope!).....but no i get

"so be it"!!!! (hey i like exclamation marks)!

Now yes i do realise that i asked for this and i did deliberate before hitting publish to give it some thought and yes i know the whole 'be careful what you wish for, you just might get it'....but i wasnt expecting "so be it"....yes, yes i know i only have myself to blame.

But (i also like but's) this is a man that deliberates over decisions, thinks things through so he is sure of the decision he makes, i thought i could predict what would happen, and he has thrown me off kilter (what is a kilter anyway!) and well i just sat there stunned, not speaking..."so be it" i dont like that phrase, its new, its sort of ominous.......i shall never moan again, bloody hell bring back "we'll see".

Hmm now its the waiting game, the anticipation of waiting for the "so be it" to happen, when he feels like it.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Circles in the sand

Its not the asking for something i would like or want that i have difficulty with....its the being scared of actually getting what i want/like, because sometimes what i want to ask for im scared of, i guess you could say its the whole issue of biting off more than i can chew...and he has this rule that once i ask specifically for something and if he is agreeable its a done going back.

He likes me to go to him and ask him, well he prefers not very good at begging for something i would like, of course he can choose to do these things to me without me asking but its more of a thrill i think for him to have me go to him, to willingly say to him "i want this" most especially if it appeals to his sadistic side.

What do i want?  (if its written, rather than verbal, can i have a *get out*), if not i would really like the right to retract this post?...hey if you dont ask you dont get......or maybe i do get and thats what i really rambling, i know.

ok so i want

you to hurt me, a lot, i want you to take me beyond my endurance level, its been a long time since we have done that, and i know when (if) it happens i will try to beg my way out of it, i know i will afterwards be withdrawn, sulky because i would have wanted you to stop...but i will get past that..i did the last time, didnt i?

i want to suffer for you, i want it to be solely about fulfilling your needs, i know you hold back, and im not saying i want your worst, but i want a taste of it it, i want to be able to try to give you what you need, and i know you say i am what you need, and i do satisfy you....but i also know your sadism exceeds my masochism and i want to try to catch up.

i know you will most likely say "we'll see" or even perhaps you will ask me if im sure this is what i want, and at the moment i am sure, i know this is what i want......but i do know i wont want it if it happens, i will more than likely fight (verbally) you every step of the way...but i need this, im good health wise, im ready for this...its been too long.

ok, sitting here thinking this over and over,im sure of this..and deep breath..hitting publish.

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Its great at the bottom

I would make a shit dominant, the Bossman was teasing when he suggested the idea of professional dominatrix, gave us a laugh as he knows what im like, i just dont think i could pull it off..its not me.

Its the thought of having to make decisions for someone else..heck im terrible when i have to make them for myself...its so much easier when he tells me what i need/have to do! im a Hmmm er, i hmm for a loooong  time its like when he might say "where would you like to go for dinner?" see my immediate response is "i dont mind, where would you like to go?" by the time i would make a decision and stick to would be time for breakfast.

I have always been this way, long before i met the bossman, although yes i think because of the nature of our relationship i have become more accustomed to having decisions made for me, i know this sounds quite pathetic, but yet in work im or rather should i say was different, with decisions regarding my children im different...when its something focused and although i value his advice and opinions..some decisions he cant and wont make for me.

Its more the silly inconsequential things that i hmm about, so yep its easier being told what to do.

Doesnt mean i necessarily like all the decisons he makes for me, but i know he will make the right ones, with the best intentions.

Then the whole kink thing. i couldnt hurt someone, even if they enjoyed it, i would be saying "are you ok?" "is that too hard?" constantly and as a masochistic submissive that would piss me off if a dominant persistently kept asking me this!

Its the confidence thing as well, and also well i like a bit of arrogance when being dominated, and Master pulls that off really well (sorry Master but well you can be very arrogant, but thats ok i love it), i wouldnt be confident in a dominant role.

Its just not me.

Most definitely happy being at the bottom.

Umm sometimess i do have the urge to whack him back....but i like having is good!

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

It was time (vanilla...dont want you all getting excited thinking its kinky shit lol)

Today i handed in my notice at work, with the time owing to me, today was my last day.

It was not an easy decision, since before Christmas i have been mulling it over, and i suppose its one of the reasons my blogging has been erratic, i really needed to put a lot of thought into making the right decision, i didnt want to quit and end up regretting its really been pretty much on my mind for the last couple of months.

I had worked there for 12 years and i loved it, i was fortunate that i was in a job that for the majority of the time i looked forward to going into work, i loved working with the children, there was a lot of satisfaction in working with children with learning/behaviour/special needs and seeing them grow.

But the last year or more i have become less and less enthusiastic, spending more time doing paperwork than i was working with the children, getting frustrated with bloody bureaucracy, never no money in the pot for those children that really need it but yet criminals in prison can get educated for free!

I have cried my tears  most of this afternoon, im going to miss the children, some of the staff, and im going to miss i intend to have a few months at home before i start seeking something new...staying home full time is not for me, and its not like i have young children at home.

Im not sure what direction i want to go in, im seriously considering going back to college to do what im really not sure about, something completely different from education i think, i need a new challenge.

Master offered up the suggestion of professional dominatrix!......hmm i could try practising on him...... lmao.

Monday, 13 January 2014

Ta da

Yay, i finally, with many thanks to lil i got round to adding a tab to the know at the top bit.

Its something that had been on my mind a while, and before Christmas a post (which i dont want to go into) pissed me off a lot and i wanted to get my thoughts down about it and have them there easily accessible....dont have to repeat myself then...and hopefully it might deter those who feel the need to 'save' me... also i doubt but can hope it might also stop the judgement.

I know its me, or rather its my problem, nobody should have to feel the need to justify themselves or their relationship.....and im done with that, i wont anymore...hence the tab.

so yeah normal service is now resumed, i can happily go back to blogging about whatever rambles are in my head which at the moment is conquering candy crush....i know..exciting life i lead!

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Fit for use

Yippee, back to normality, well as normal as it gets!

Im back to work, children are back to school, and im back to blogging, ok so i could have blogged before now but have had lots of family time and plus i havent been in the best of health, spent the day after Christmas day in hospital which was the lowest point.

Honestly im hoping this year will be a better one for me health wise, it seems like since i was diagnosed diabetic type 1 back in....blimey June of last year i havent been keeping too well off and on and it had been getting me down, i seem to pick up everything thats going...and well its been a lot to get my head around, im still struggling to keep blood sugar levels under control.
I have been pretty much out of commission most of December, with infections and what not...but im feeling good and yeah fit for use...i so need a good beating.

I considered making some new year resolutions and then thought sod it im terrible for sticking to them so perhaps its best just to try to work on what i need to without setting myself goals which i might not reach and then feeling bad because i terribly guilty of doing that.

The bossman is really pleased with me at the moment, i didnt even balk at his comment of "you finally seem to be learning"....well its only been 6 years or so, heck i reckon in another 6 i may be bloody spot on!...but lets not hold me to that!

But learning what? ahh well i am awful for being pedantic (hold on got to google that word, i think it fits lol) ..yeah it does, sort that although im pretty much obedient in doing as im told, i falter in that i have been resistant to doing more than what i am specifically told, if i dont like doing something, although i will do it, its with a lack of enthusiasm, i dont go above and beyond, not explaining very well am i?

Anyways something seems to have clicked into place, i dunno i just have been doing things albeit little things, some that im not keen on, that i know please him without having to be told to...and he likes that.

And i like that he likes this....all is good, a good start to the New Year.

But hey we're only a week in lets not get carried away, it could all go to shit next week!