Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Just rambling

It's summer, well, it's meant to be, the UK, well where I am, must be behind in getting that message, as I sit here looking out the window at the grey skies and rain falling down.

It's been a busy couple of weeks, mostly centred around sorting out things to do with my son starting uni in September, just have to wait now for his exam results to come in, later in August, fingers crossed he gets the grades he needs, he is getting worked up about it, which is making me get anxious for him.

Master is busy, nothing new there, well yes there is, he is more busy than usual, which I didn't think was possible!

I am doing ok with managing myself, in the respect of not acting out, which had tended to be a pattern, he would be super busy, I would feel neglected and that would lead to me behaving in a way I know I shouldnt, because then I would get his attention, and I would figure that negative attention is better than none at all.

But I am doing ok, it's taken a lot of years to change that pattern,....im a slow learner!

I did have a wobble at the weekend, where I started to panic that he didn't want me anymore, I can't really identify where those thoughts come from, being insecure in myself i suspect being the main reason, when he is distracted with work, i have too much time to myself, to dwell on things, and yeah over think.

As soon as I get reassurance from him, im fine again, but i hate that i get needy like that, i need to get back into blogging more regularly, commenting and writing more, i miss it.

Monday, 20 July 2015


He said something this morning, that as per usual i have been dwelling on ever since.

"can you honestly say there isnt anything you wouldnt do if I asked you?"

to which my reply was...i dont know, because its hard to know for sure until actually confronted with whatever it might be, so i dont know.

His response was "I think you do"

It was left like that, i wanted to say...well there was that once when i couldnt do what you asked, but i have since done it, so that would have been pointless.

Its been on my mind, should my automatic response been yes?  or am i hiding behind the i dont know because i dont want to admit its a yes?

I know he would not ask anything of me that was detrimental in any way, to me, to us, so its got me exploring the whole concept of 'anything'

There are most certainly things that i have no wish to do, reasoning's varying from it simply doesnt appeal to me, to a simple i dont want to at all, and i will not like you very much if you make do them.

But the counter-argument to that is

1) being his slave, there is the understanding that it will involve submitting to things that dont appeal to me, because i do already

2)  the same applies to that which i dont want

3)  he couldnt care less whether i like him or not so long as i obey, because i do love the grumpy git even when i dislike him

4)  i know, as does he that i get off on being made to do things i dont want to do

So, it could be argued that therefore i will do whatever he asks of me, and perhaps im in denial but i still think its subject to what that anything is.

So, i wrote this with the intention of having a clear resolution, but only succeeded in getting back to square one!

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Well, i got to it eventually

Sorry, gosh im doing a lot of apologising lately!

"Why can't there be equality in ttwd?  he is no better than because he is my dom"

Equality, dictionary definition, for the sake of argument:

"The state of being equal, especially in status, rights or opportunities."

He is my Master, and i am his slave, and to kill two birds with one stone about being 'better' no, i dont believe he is better than me because he is dominant and my Master, back to the matter of equality..

I believe everyone is born equal, regardless of whether they be dominant, slave, sub, princess, their race, their nationality, their sexuality etc etc.

However in respect of him being my Master, i do not consider myself equal in status to him, but only him, as two people yes, but we are two people in a dynamic that by definition of using Master and slave implies inequality.

I have rights, but certainly not as many as he does, i have the right to expect to be kept safe, to have my basic needs met, and as this is all based on consent, i have the right to withdraw that consent although that has never been an issue, and if it were it would have serious impact on our relationship.

Can there be equality in ttwd?  I admit im struggling to say yes in the respect of there being total equality, so its easier for me to say how it is for us, if anyone has a view that there can be, i would be interested in hearing it.

He has authority over me, i do not over him, and that is the simple way of looking at it,i could go into all the very many ways he has authority over me, but that statement alone should be enough.

I am quite content in it being this way, i wouldnt want to be his equal, besides that i get off on the whole idea of being beneath him and that his wants and needs come before mine..but thats a whole other subject, which if i go into, this post will turn into an essay :)

Friday, 10 July 2015

Bringing out the worst

A week or so ago, maybe longer, time just flies! there was a thread on Fetlife, that I contributed to, it started out very simply about dining out, it escalated into the appropriateness of exposing others to the life we lead.

I stated my opinion at various points, eventually i had to walk away from it, it was just getting ridiculous, but mostly i stepped away because i didnt like myself very much, in fact, on reflecting on it further, i was ashamed of myself for various reasons..

Although i stand by my opinions, i could have expressed them without being snide or bitchy, reading back through them thats how i came across, and i didnt like that side of me, and im pretty sure if Master was to read them he wouldnt be too impressed either...and i do care about how he thinks of me and how i behave.

I lost sight of what i have always been so defencive about, and that is respecting another persons opinion, even though i disagree with it, and perhaps strongly so, as this was the case, one should still be able to make their point without it getting nasty, looking back through that thread, it was no different from playground bullying tactics, that i allowed myself to be a part of that, well im not proud of myself.

So i made myself a Fetlife rule/or in general an online rule..

if i cant say anything nice or positive to anyone, dont say anything at all, because it is possible to disagree with someone without it needing to be nasty in any form.

Last night i was reading a thread, and it left me feeling appalled, a girl of 18, new to ttwd posted a question, within it she said she understood that "not all submissives are slaves but all slaves are submissive" something she had read somewhere or heard.

Very quickly she was jumped on for making a generalised statement, now dont get me wrong, one of my pet hates is people saying a slave etc must/should be xyz, and it doesnt go down to well when people make them.

But rather than giving a polite response most, not all people focused on that one statement and tore her to shreds, she got defencive, and i dont bloody blame her at all, although she would have been better off ignoring them.

But you know what, she is 18, new...ffs, it seems that when it comes to the internet and how people treat one another, common decency goes out the bloody window, its like its ok to be rude, bitchy etc because its words on a screen.

I fell into that, it brought out the worst of me, not a pleasant sight at all, and its made me question myself, but most of all reminding myself..to treat others how i would like to be treated.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

When nanna came to stay

(yes i know, i will get to the equality post)

My nanna turned up on Saturday, unexpectedly, i am feeling appropriately ashamed and guilty as she travelled all the way from London to see me..and she is 94, physically she is failing but mentally she is as sharp as she has ever been, well memory can be a bit dodgy, and eyesight is going.

I should make more of an effort to see her more often as she is my last living grandparent, and i do enjoy conversing with her, she has led a colourful past.

My nanna for her age and the time she was brought up in has a very modern outlook, and keeps up with what is going on, as i discovered when she announced she had watched 50 Shades of Grey and deemed it nothing exciting or new, and that we youngsters think we invented it, i shall remain grateful that she didnt elaborate further with a trip down memory lane!

However as she has aged she does have the tendency to think that this allows her to say what she likes, and it can sometimes be quite rude or perhaps thoughtless more than anything, because she isn't a nasty person but well she says what she thinks, which sometimes isnt appropriate.

She does like to guilt trip, to get people to do what she wants, usually its "I could be dead this time next year or even tomorrow" words to that effect, and the reality is at the age she is every day is a blessing...but then she has been saying that for the last 20 years...in fact probably longer!

She wants me to have a celebration for my 40th in November, which i have remained adamant that i dont want a big celebration of any kind, and yes she dropped the guilt trip on me, in this case it was "It would bring me a lot of pleasure to have something to plan, as I will probably be dead before it anyway"

Before i could actually protest and come up with a viable excuse, out the suitcase comes folders, information on venues, themes, potential guests, many of which i have no idea of who they are!

So, it looks like im having a masked ball in London,...yes a ball, not a party because to nanna a party is for children or hooligans....no i didn't even attempt to ask the reasoning behind that logic, and the guest list as it stands at the moment is at 123, and i dont know over half of them.

Nanna left this morning, and all sitting here wandering how we all got rail roaded by a 94 year old!

Monday, 6 July 2015

A question of equality/privacy

I have been neglecting blogger as of late, and replying to emails..sorry :)

So the question/query...

"He wants my passwords to emails and other accounts which I consider an invasion of my privacy, doesn't he trust me?  why shouldn't I be able to talk to other dominants, I do not know his or tell him who he can and can't talk to, is this fair or right?  Why can't there be equality in ttwd? he is no better than me because he is my dom"

Its not for me to say whether its fair or right for you, nor can i say whether its because he doesnt trust you.

How it works for us is that my Master does have my passwords to my accounts, email, Fetlife, my blog etc, and he can access them any time he should want to, he has more than likely forgotten what the passwords are! but nevertheless at any time he could ask for them and i would hand them over.

It has nothing to do with not trusting me, but everything to do with control, and that i have no right to privacy, as it is, he is not interested in who im emailing or who is emailing me, reading a conversation between me and a fellow blogger talking about shopping isnt exactly something that he would feel the need to know about!

There are exceptions, when i have been in conversations with people via email we have played with or potential people, i forward those emails to him, and others that perhaps im not sure about how to respond to, but those are very rare.

Nor is he concerned about who i talk to, i have no restrictions on this, take Fetlife for example, i have dominants on my friends list, i have had messages from other dominants, is he bothered? no, because he trusts me, im not going to be running off with anyone else! and besides the ones that are along the lines of sending me inappropriate messages..well im more than capable of handling them myself..i ignore them, they soon get the message, i figure if dominants cant make the effort  to read my profile where it states that im owned and not interested in anything other than friends, then im not going to make the effort to respond to their messages.

He is not threatened by other dominants, so there is no need to say that i cant interact with any, however everyones relationship is different, and those that might place restrictions may have nothing to do with trust, but rather its simply their preference.

The only restrictions that that come to mind which are not really relevant as i have no interest myself, is online role-playing of any kind..but he has not needed to specify that as its understood that would not be acceptable...but like i said its not an issue because it holds no appeal to me.

Quite simply, i have nothing to hide from him nor would i want to, so i dont consider it an invasion of my privacy because i dont have any! and am happy with that.

Now, moving onto the equality point, which is going to be another post, another time, sorry, will get there.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Working backwards

With the prompts

Do you beg? How do you feel when you do?

Sometimes, i find it easier to beg for something to stop, or to not happen, than i do for begging for something i want.  Begging is something that emphasis the exchange of power, it demonstrates his authority over me, that he can give or deny whatever it is i might be begging for or indeed begging for xyz  to stop/not happen.

It makes me feel a sense of desperation, vulnerability and 'little'  because i have no control over the outcome, the decision is his, it can also be humiliating..and i love that.

If I could be Dominant for one day I would......

Plan a session in the room of doom based around what i would like to do/enjoy, things we havent done in a long while, it would be all about me :)...the reality would more than likely be that within half an hour, perhaps a little longer i would end up asking him to choose, coz i wouldnt like being in control.

Have you pushed or changed any of your limits?

Yes.  if we think of limits not just being restricted to s/m but rather the relationship as a whole, i think its reasonable to say that as the relationship develops/evolves, we adapt and grow along with it.  Things that perhaps were once not appealing or even were never considered, in time can change, so its perhaps best to not place limits on oneself, the relationship, and just well....Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be.

Have you experienced sub drop? What is it like for you?

Yes, sometimes.   Although when i do it tends to be much later, as in days, as i come down from the high, what its like varies, i tend to get quite tearful, at my worst i can go on a real downer where i start questioning and over analysing what had happened in a negative way.

What is something about submission that makes you nervous?

Vulnerability, which is also a contradiction because i love it as well, hmm completely surrendering to him, and all that it entails can make me nervous, knowing that he will eventually get me where ever he wants me to be, even when initially i might put up a protest  sometimes.

yes, yes as usual behind on comments, on it tomorrow, just got laptop back after being fixed, and i hate using the phone for writing too much.

and excuse the dodgy, changing text :)