Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Care to disagree?


"There must be times when you disagree with with each other, and can't come to a compromise, how do you resolve those times?"

Compromise!!! i dont think that word is in his vocabulary, not in regards to me lol

No, thats not strictly true...well maybe, depends....

As much as i think communication is important, and it is, sometimes it feels like no matter how much we talk something through, nothing is resolved, its simply that we disagree, that our thoughts are so different, and perhaps more so that he cant understand what im getting at, and vice versa.

It reminds me of that dress that went viral a few weeks ago, some people seeing blue and black and others seeing white and gold.....thats us sometimes, we are seeing the same 'dress' but different 'colours'.

I dont consider it a big deal, nobody can agree on everything all the time, you can try very hard to see the other persons point of view, and respect it, but it doesnt change what you think.  Sure i could just agree with him, say what he wants to hear, but he doesnt like it, and he doesnt want that, but it does mean that depending on what the 'something' is one of us has to give.

And its generally me, not because i have backed down and had a sudden change of opinion or even agree with him, but because i respect his decisions, and i trust him to make ones based on what he thinks is right, for me, for us.....plus if he makes the wrong decision/choice its on him not me, ahh sometimes having so little responsibility can be a good thing!

Would i hold it against him if it was the wrong decision/choice? no i wouldnt, i might perhaps be a little "well i did try and tell you xyz" but that would be petty on my behalf, so i would settle for a look of smugness instead  :).

Monday, 30 March 2015

Real neat blog, questions and answers

Thank you to Renee Rose for the nomination.

The rules, coz im such a good girl (doesnt have quite the same effect when you call yourself a good girl lol), i will of course follow them!

1)  Put the award logo in your post
2)  Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you
3)  Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs
4)  Let them know you nominated them

Renee's questions

1)  what was your first car and did you name it?

ahh well, i can drive (some brave people let me drive with them in the car) but have never actually passed my test, i fell to pieces when i have gone for tests, my dad bought me a car for my 17th birthday and it was a Honda civic, and no i did not name it.

2)  whats the most public place you have had sex/spanky fun or otherwise been naughty?

It was a recreational ground/park, we had been out for dinner, detoured through the park, it was fairly late, dark, he needed a pee, and i make a great portable urinal! afterwards i gave him a blow job, and we noticed, or rather he did, i was otherwise engaged, there was a dog walker stood against a tree, watching! i dont even want to think about how much he saw!!!  i was mortified, he thought it was funny.

3)  I just tried alligator tail for the first time.  What's the most unusual or site specific food you've ever eaten?

I am very, very boring when it comes to trying new types of food, not adventurous at all, when i was younger, in my early teens my elder brother gave me escargot (snails) to eat, but i didnt know what they was, and if i recall correctly i liked them up until i found out what they were!

4)  what do you listen to on the radio?

Radio 2, i like the combination of music, modern as well as old, and different genre's, plus the discussions of current news, debates etc, i listen to the radio a lot, its generally on most of the day.

5)  What's the last thing that made you cry?  It's okay if it was just a movie or a you tube video.

an article last week in my local newspaper of a dog that had been treated cruelly and then abandoned, had to have a leg amputated, but was rescued, got medical treatment, and eventually re-homed to a loving family, if i had the space, i could quite easily adopt a lot of dogs that needed re homing.

6)  what's worse: preparing taxes or spring cleaning around the house?

oh easy one for me, this.....preparing taxes would be the worst, im quite ocd when it comes to cleaning, i dont just spring clean, i autumn, winter and summer it too....drives them all nuts!

7)  Have you always known, or was there a particular moment when you realised you were interested in spanking?

When i got involved with a dominant before my Master, its not something i had thought about really up until then, well more that it didnt interest me, until i actually tried it and i didnt actually like it, not otk, not at all, and i still dont, im quite odd i guess, in that i dont mind spanking in any other position, or scenario, but otk....nope, dont like that at all.

ok, the difficult part...nominees

1)  DelFonte

2)  Fiona

3)  green girl

and L'heure Bleue, although her blog is private

And the 7 questions

1)  You win £5,000 what do you spend it on, nothing boring like bills etc...for yourself, both, home etc?

2)  Your significant other, gives you the option of doing something kink wise, for one night, your choice, whatever you like, free reign..what you going to do?

3)  Breakfast in bed, chilling together or a night out at your favourite restaurant?

4)  Whats the last music album you bought/downloaded?

5)  What advice would you give your 18 year old self looking back, knowing what you do know now, about anything...you choose?

6)  New shoes or a new dress? why that choice?....no you cant have both lol

7)  Do you have any rules/expectations you wish you didnt have or are there rules/expectations you dont have but would like?

Saturday, 28 March 2015

Hot or not

Via email....which i would like to say, before i forget, that although i certainly dont mind emails, at any time not just for q&a month,  im terrible for not checking junk folder and sometimes they go in there, not that im saying your email is junk!  blame Google they must not like your dirty talk lol

(i have condensed the email down)

"I didn't like to comment on your post because I found it hot, I would love to be treated like that and I didn't want to upset you by being un-thoughtful and cause offence, I hope I'm not now.  Is there any part of it that you found hot, even afterwards especially considering your a masochist?  What made this punishment much more difficult or different than previous ones, what purpose does punishment achieve?"

(the post in question was the one where i wrote about the last punishment i got....still cant bloody link)

No offence caused at all, i perhaps would have not wanted to hear this at the time, as it was all so very raw, but i have myself read posts of others punishments and have thought....yummy...so i get it, i do.

Breaking these down

1)  no i didnt find it hot, a turn on, or yummy at all, not at the time, afterwards and even now, which is unusual for me, every part of it was horrible.  I had never been caned on the hands before, and it was really painful, it lingered as well, long past when the strokes were over, the whipping was with a whip i just hate, and cant handle at the best of times, and to top it all off was being put in the cage straight after, generally i love being caged a lot, but no, not then, not like that.

2)  i think there is often this assumption that a masochist cannot be punished with pain, imo thats simply not true, although pain, even pain i dont like arouses me, nevertheless there is pain i dont want and dont like, but also and more importantly its the mindset one is in at the time that makes the biggest difference in how one processes the pain.

3)  what made it more difficult/different?  you know, i have thought about this myself, because i have had my fair share of punishments over the years, but none had got to me the way this one did.

The only conclusion i have come to is that we both needed it, rather than it simply being a case of me deserving it because of poor behaviour, things had been rough for a few months, a lot going on for me health wise and personal issues with family, he had a lot of work going on, and things started slipping, to the extent that it got to a point where he questioned my commitment to him, to us.

My behaviour was not as it should be, i was going through the motions, he was letting it slide, because i was going through a difficult time and although he had the best intentions, what i needed more than anything was to keep things normal, well normal for us.....and eventually it got out of hand, i intentionally disobeyed and lied to him, and i had never lied to him before, so something had to happen, to get us back on track, loosening the lead was a big mistake, i needed reigning back in...and being gentle about it wasnt going to work, it had gone beyond that point, he knew what i needed, whether i wanted it or not......and yes now i fully accept that.

so yeah, all that, i think is what contributed to making it the worst, it was just a build up of many things over a period of time, rather than it being just a punishment, it was a clearing of the air, we both needed to put things right.

4)  what purpose does it achieve?  it got me back to where i needed to be, not straightaway i will be honest about that, in general punishment for us, is about actions having consequences, being held accountable, i need him to correct me, im much more happier and content within strict, consistent boundaries so that when i do step outside of them, i need to know he will pull me back in.


mckitten wrote a post that resonated with me a lot...trying to link but getting a white page with error 501, getting it when i try to read others posts as well!

Duh.. why didnt i just do this is in the first place!  www.pillowtalk.blogspot.com

As with a lot of things in ttwd, context plays an important part, i love (punishments aside) being treated harshly, cruelly even, what he says, how he treats me can be so humiliating, degrading, im left feeling like im nothing, that i mean nothing to him, other than a thing to be used for his amusement, my feelings being irrelevant, its about him, sating his needs....i love his aggressive ways.

I love all of this in the context of it being during play.

Outside of play, in the context of what he is like being my Master and how he is with me, he is demanding, strict, and he can be harsh, he expects my obedience and respect, and he deserves it.

Yes sometimes i falter, but i endeavour to behave as he likes, because he inspires me to want to because of how he treats me in an everyday way.

One of the things i have the utmost respect for him for is how he handles me generally, which is in a completely different contrast to how he does within play, for example there is never any "you fucking bitch you didnt do this etc" attitude, on the contrary, he is calm, reasonable, and authoritative in his tone, but no displays of anger or aggression, he is in control of himself even when he has perhaps reason to be pissed at me.

I need this balance,  i need him to be calm and in control, im prone to having temper tantrums (as hard as that might be to believe lol) i dont need him throwing them as well, which is how i would see it if he was aggressive in his attitude...shouting, swearing at me for example, i respond better when he is calm, because thats what calms me.

He is dominant, he is a sadist, he is controlling, he is demanding, but he is also a gentleman, and he may treat me like a dirty worthless slut at times, but yet also very much like a lady.

Its all about context.

Friday, 27 March 2015

Possession of extreme pornography

Nice anon, in her comment on my post http://painspleasure.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/consent-is-no-defence.html mentioned the laws here in the UK regarding photography, i vaguely remembered reading about it at the time, but her comment prompted me to look more into it.

Especially considering the whole drama of Google and its u-turn of certain images, i still think, although i hope im proven wrong, its only a matter of time when it will happen, but rather than being a decision made by Google it will be universal....but time will tell....sometimes im inclined to think we are going backwards rather than forwards!

The legal aspects of M/s and s/m interests me, but more so the psychology of it all, over the years i have read many studies, conflicting arguments, i think its this need i have to explain what makes us this way..drives Master nuts, he is of the mind to just accept it, but well yeah this is me, i like answers and lately i have gone back to looking for some, been some interesting reading.

As from January 2009 it was made law that its illegal to possess extreme pornographic images which show an act which threatens a persons life, an act which results, or is likely to result in serious injury to a persons anus, breast or genitals.  It is punishable by up to 3 years imprisonment, and/or added to sex offenders register.

Furthermore, the law covers images that

*is grossly offensive, disgusting or otherwise of an obscene character

*has been produced solely or principally for the purpose of sexual arousal

What are they defining as images.....still photographs and videos but excludes drawings and works of art

This link provides much more detail.


What made me laugh ironically is images of corporal punishment, whipping and flogging, needle play, cutting, heat play or medical scenes excluding the areas of anus, genitals or breasts are safe to possess, yet some of the activities themselves may well be illegal due to the rulings made about consent!!!

So its ok to possess an image of myself showing whip marks...thats fine, under the extreme pornography act, yet if there is blood brought about by the whipping its illegal because its more than 'trifling'!!

As no cases have actually gone to court regarding this act (none that i can find) its waiting until some unfortunate person/people actually end up in court and a jury decides, its left open to interpretation.

Thinking about the photos i posted of me in the room of doom, there was one of my arse, with a small amount of blood, is that illegal? it might not be under the pornography act, yet actually doing it..because it drew blood  its illegal under another law.

So, my interpretation is i wouldnt get prosecuted for possessing that image, but Master could be for inflicting what is considered by law actual bodily harm!!

How does that make any sense at all? it doesnt.

It is however making me think very carefully about the images we do possess of me, enough to make think it might be best to destroy them.

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Normal rules do not apply

Yeah! i dont think these apply to our relationship, but ooh im so tempted to try no.3, just to make sure because sometimes he says to me when im told not to do something "bad things will happen if you do" so what if i said  "go ahead"?  perhaps i should find out in the name of science, an experiment.....i invite you to join me to put this theory to the test!

on second thoughts, i like my skin, would like to keep it attached...coz really saying "go ahead" as a dare, is not something one wants to say to the sadist.

Nope, normal 'rules' do not apply here.

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

The box of delights...or not!

The box contains 'essentials' for play, rope, needles, gags, clamps, weights and other things, sometimes he lets me choose something out of it, which puts me in a dilemma..see being given choice is not always a good thing!

Do i choose something i really like and want or do i choose something he really likes and wants, coz there are things in it im not keen on....i would rather he choose, and then again i would rather he didnt..not that im complicated you understand.

So, he says "you can choose something from the box, anything you like"

and the conversation generally goes the same way "something i like or something you like?" i ask

"you choose"

oh darn it, so im thinking on it, (this thinking has got to stop) what to choose, "just one thing?"

"just one, hurry up, or I will choose"

Fuck, thats not good, his choosing is not good, well it might be, but it will be a gamble, i dont like gambling....think harder tori, think fast!

but its like, (thinking too much again) well..needles, does that mean 1 needle, coz thats not going to be enough for either of us, weights are ruled out because they just have to go with clamps (well here they do), and those fuckers are heavy, 2 or 3 pounds each approx eww shudder, he has lighter ones, i know i bought them (from a fishing tackle shop...so much cheaper than bdsm sites fyi) but no, he likes the heavy ones....definitely pass on those, besides its more than one thing..damn shame that is!

I want to go for the rubber breath play hood, but i have been opting for that a lot lately, ok, ok, he is getting impatient, hmm i know...

"i want to lick your ass Sir, please can you sit on my face and use the tawse on my cunt?"

i figure win, win, i love licking his ass, so im getting what i want, and he gets to hurt me at the same time, so its win win...right?

"very well"

cool, so im licking his ass, and crack, not ass crack....tawse crack, omg, i forgot how much that thing stings, and as he continues, i try to continue, whilst screaming up his asshole, very effective gag i must say!

It continues for a while, inwardly im cursing..why did i choose this?  then he moves off, and is sat astride me, the tawse now smacking my thighs hard, "are you scared of me bitch?" hmm "sometimes Sir"...smack with the tawse again "are you scared of me now?"

no..maybe, a little bit


why!!!! i should have gone for the vibrator, i really should have!

Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Consent is no defence

In conversation with the princess (the lesbian sub), which btw i like her, having got a more clearer picture through talking to her, anyway...

Something she said, about worrying about not having control, or not being able to say "no" to what is happening concerns her, and i assured her that would not be an issue, its about consent, and should it all go ahead, she can most certainly say "no" at any time, use a safeword and that will stop everything, with no hard feelings from anyone.

Anyway, which brings me to the whole consent issue, in the UK consent is no defence in regards to s/m practises, a case went to court years ago, a group of gay men engaging in s/m, photos, videos were taken and ended up in the hands of the police, the circumstances of how...unknown!

Anyway the men who inflicted the s/m, the dominants, 16 of them, were sentenced to some years in prison, i believe, without going to check the facts, between 3-5 years each.  The submissives and the dominants solicitors argued that there was consent, all parties stated the same, but the court ruled otherwise, and they were all (the dominants) convicted of assault causing actual bodily harm.

Lord Templeton a high court judge declared

"In principle there is a difference between violence which is incidental and violence which is inflicted for the indulgence of cruelty. The violence of sadomasochistic encounters involves the indulgence of cruelty by sadists and the degradation of victims.  Such violence is injurious to the participants and unpredictably dangerous.  I am not prepared to invent a defence of consent for sadomasochistic encounters which breed and glorify cruelty.  Society is entitled and bound to protect itself against a cult of violence.  Pleasure derived from the infliction of pain is an evil thing, cruelty is uncivilised"

As the law still stands today, consent is no defence.

Wow, if i had a safeword, i think it would be.....lawsuit!

But what acts are considered illegal?  its quite vague the legal definition, and open i think to interpretation, basically anything that causes marks that are more than 'trifling'. Judge Rant, another judge, when it went to the court of appeal (and lost) declared that any injury, pain or mark that was more than trifling and momentary should be considered illegal!  this includes bruises, cuts and the occurrence of blood!

So this 'trifling' what does that mean....insignificant or petty..doesnt really say much at all.

Basically Master is a criminal, and my consent means nothing, but we are both adults fully aware of what we are doing.....but yet we can stick 2 men in a boxing ring, they can beat the shit out of each other, get paid to do it, people pay to watch it......bloody hell at least i get orgasms out of my beatings!

and that concludes todays soap box rant.

Sowing seeds

Went to a late barbecue at my buddy's house at the weekend, make the most of the sunshine, it has been really nice here, well until today, back to rain.

Clearly i have a warped mind because i was looking at the skewered meat on the barbecue and was in my own little world for a moment, until my friend pipes up "i know what your thinking" which gave me a look of horror.....oh sweetheart i really dont think you know at all..."your thinking how many of those your going to nab before anyone else..arnt you?"

umm nope

im thinking about those skewers going through my tits, but i put on a smile and "yep your right, my name is on 3 of them"

"see i know you" she says triumphantly!

At the moment Master is having me explore whats in my head, fantasies, desires etc,  im required to tell him one thing a day, and i confess that at the moment im palming him off with fairly mild ones, he knows most of what i fantasise about, but i think this is more about exploring my desires, learning to embrace them, instead of hiding them away, why hide them? because some im wary of, they are 'wrong' and im ashamed, but mostly if i have to be honest, its the fear of him making some of them reality....reality doesnt always live up to the fantasy.

But heck if he can pull off a threesome with Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt, i will be well impressed though, coz thats in my head!

Its doing this, the exploring my desires etc that made me think about the skewers, that started innocently, if i recall at the time he had me watch a video of it being done, and at first it was nope, no way, but i had to watch it again, out of curiosity, then i had to watch it again just to be sure i didnt like it, and then again to confirm i didnt like it.

Yep i liked it, so the seed was planted in my head, its tended to carefully, nurtured, and it grows, eventually blossoming, and another seed is planted....

Monday, 23 March 2015

Be happy with who you are

Via email,.....and now you have took a break lol

I did say i would leave this until last, its a sensitive subject but im ok with it :)

"You have mentioned in passing issues you have had with your mom, do you think those issues contribute to the insecurities that you have at times now?"

Im glad i left this until last, i have thought a great deal about this, im the sort of person that tends to not want to linger in the past, especially the negative parts, i would much rather shove them in the proverbial cupboard and lock them away....tried counselling and it wasnt for me....im much better at dealing with things by just shutting it out and not talking about it.


My mother, well, im no closer to understanding her now than i was 20 years ago, i cant fathom why she is the way she is with me, i think she loves me but she doesnt often express it, i havent turned out to be the daughter she wanted.

My mum always wanted a girl, she had my brother first and admitted she was disappointed, then 21 months later i came along, and she was delighted, she got the girl she desperately wanted, but as i grew up, i was more a tomboy than a girly girl much to her horror.

She would dress me up, all pretty, and i would be out with my brother and cousins, playing in the woods, making dens, getting dirty and she hated that, it wasnt what i was meant to be like, and she would tell me that, one of her favourite sayings, and still is to this day is "i dont know where i went so wrong with you" she likes to tell me that when i dont live up to her expectations of me.

When i sat my GCSE's i got 4 a's, 2 b's and 2 c's, the a's wasnt mentioned, just the disappointment of the b's and c's, it simply wasnt good enough, im not good enough...she likes to still remind me of that to.

When i got pregnant at a relatively young age, and to make it worse split up with the father when i was still pregnant,  it was a lecture of how she didnt realise that her daughter was a slag, (that is a term to this day i cant abide, i hate it) what decent man would want me now, and worse what will people say! my mum cares a lot about image.

So that pretty much sums up my mum.

I hate that even now, i try to seek her approval, but i dont want to give up on her, she is my mum and i love her.  But i refuse, or i try to, not let the way she is with me, dictate who i am, because i am happy with who i am, even if she isnt.

Does it contribute to my insecurities i have now?  i want very much to say no, but i think perhaps it does, although i try not to let it.

It manifests itself in the way i think, that when i fail at something, or i struggle, i believe its because im not good enough, that there is something wrong with me because im not perhaps being the way he wants me to be, the very rational part of me knows thats not true, but it lingers.

I wish i had the answers on how to deal with it, but i dont, i try very hard to focus on the positives, that i know im good enough, and i am, i think for the most part, but sometimes yeah i dwell on it.

Not sure i have been much help.

Sunday, 22 March 2015

Reactance within M/s etc

Cant sleep, everyone else is! mind you they would sleep through an earthquake, so delving into the unpublished archives

 reactance... psychological terms

'Reactance is a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules, or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific freedoms.  Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or her choices or limiting the range of alternatives'

There are many, many things we take for granted in life, freedoms that once people fought hard for, within enslavement some of these freedoms may well be curtailed, depending on what these are, how important they are, will depend on whether there is any reactance, and if there is, the level of reactance.

For example..

If he was to say "you can no longer eat cheese sandwiches" ok, so i like cheese sandwiches but not enough that im bothered by this, so i shrug it off, no reactance because it means little to me.

However if he was to say

"I dont want you blogging anymore" im going to be upset, angry, i like blogging, a lot, it means a lot to me so im going to react, strongly, he is taking away a freedom, which is his right to do so within our dynamic, but because its so important to me, i would struggle with it, and ergo there will be reactance.

So, reactance can also apply to situations, taking away choice, limiting the range of alternatives.

How reactance manifests itself will vary, dependent on how strongly one feels about what they are being denied, or indeed whats being asked, me i tend to get difficult, put obstacles in the way, because im not handling it well.  It does settle down after a while, after adjusting, there does become an acceptance, a realisation that this is how its going to be like it or not.

When i get to that point of acceptance, then it can be reasonably discussed, without the 'drama', because im able to adapt to having no choice or a limited range of alternatives, and things are back to flowing as they should be.

Having choice, or rather being given a choice is something i have learnt to appreciate, because he can and will remove it at will, but there are many things i dont have a choice or say in at all.

It is i suppose what brings about struggles, because confronted with having choice removed, can be a scary prospective, when there is no alternative but to submit to what has been asked, especially if its something one struggles with.

But it does get easier with time.

Friday, 20 March 2015

Me a writer? its a talent, a skill....umm which i dont posess

I do have two questions left, one i missed by accident and the other im thinking on....a dangerous habit for me!

I had an interesting email yesterday from a UK kink online magazine, (apparently someone put my name forth..no idea whom) enquiring if i would be interested in penning some articles, would be paid (not a lot), about topics pertaining to bdsm and  M/s, on a contracted basis, i did chuckle at this paragraph

"We are looking for a confident, experienced person that would write articles on BDSM, based on their life's experiences as a submissive or slave, we invite you to send us a sample article on a topic of your choosing.  We are aiming to provide our readers with real life experiences, educational tutorials, advice, facts rather than fiction...."


so, i have been with Master 10 years, not really a lifes experience is it!..and confident..me?  in some ways yes but not a lot

No, im not putting myself down, i have learnt a lot, and im still learning, and i hope to still be in another 10, 20 years time, but i certainly dont consider myself to be in a position to be a 'voice' for anyone other than myself.

I have plenty of experience, yes, but of course i dont know it all, not that im suggesting that they expect me to, but nevertheless im uncomfortable with the idea that my 'voice' could be in any way be interpreted as being along the lines of 'this is how you should do xyz' or 'you should be xyz' ....because personally it winds me up when you come across articles or such that make blanket statements in that vein.

Now it did intrigue me enough that although i would not want to commit myself full time as such, i would depending on negotiations, what they expect etc, but mostly how Master thinks about it, write one article..possibly.

But theres the problem, i know my limitations, what im good at and what im not, and writing is a skill, one which i know i dont possess, blogging is all very well, but its not the same as writing something that is destined to be published in the public arena.

I think im best sticking to my little corner of blogland.

Thursday, 19 March 2015

Kink and vanilla

His slut said http://thoughtsfromhisslut.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/i-want-to-cum-to-it.html

"I don't often liked being called kinky.  I guess because I don't understand why what I enjoy needs to be defined as such an 'outcasted' thing.  Why such a difference between kink and vanilla?  Your thoughts on why labels between the 'kink' world and 'vanilla' world?"

Im not sure i would use the term outcasted, if anything kink has become more acceptable as of late, perhaps due to the FSOG phenomenon its more acceptable than its ever been, people talk about it more, its not really a taboo like it used to be....of course depends on the kink! if anything its fashionable.

I think the difference is simply a matter of clarifying distinctions between those that are kinky and those that are not, but there are levels of kinkiness, but mostly what are we defining as kinky?

a dictionary definition

'unconventional sexual preferences or behaviour,  fetishism, sadomasochism, or the like'

on the flip side how do we define vanilla from a bdsm point of view? have no dictionary definition so its just my opinion...

"those that have no inclination for kink, as defined above in dictionary definition"

I should say, that for me when i use the term vanilla it is not in any way meant as derogatory, its simply a term used for those that are not kinky.

Labels, love them or hate them, nevertheless they have their uses, they do provide i think a sense of clarity, even within the realms of ttwd, for example i could say..

"i enjoy ttwd" which is fine, but it doesnt tell you much, or i could say

"im a slave in a tpe dynamic" which says a lot more, simply by adding labels, it gives clarity (the only flaw with this logic is people may have different definitions of what these labels mean, but lets not over complicate it lol)

does that make sense though?

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Born this way?

Collaredmom asked http://chasingmechasingyou.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/the-weight-of-weight.html?zx=469c16e39c8feb9c

"you said submitting is part of your nature.  Do you believe that some people are born submissive and/or dominant?  I have read some of the arguments, for both sides, I was just curious what you thought.  I'm intrigued by those who call Kink a sexual orientation.  But I am not sure I agree with them."

I think some people are born with the nature of having submissive/dominant traits but that does not automatically mean they could or would want to be submissive or dominant in the context of being in a D/s relationship.

When i said about submitting being part of my nature, i think its more it comes easily to me for the most part, i like being instructed, dominated, i feel safe and secure in having a structured, controlled environment, where i know whats acceptable and what isnt. Submitting to him just feels right, being his slave is the real me, not the 'me' other people see, its a sense of this is how its meant to be, how im meant to be.

Thats not to say it always comes easily, it doesnt, have enough blog posts to demonstrate that lol, but when i do have times i struggle in respect of anything, with careful handling or a harsh reality check depending on the situation will depend on how he handles me,(he never has shouted at me or argued), i always acquiesce willingly in the end ...driven by the need i have to want to please him, and thats what makes me happy in the long run.

Imo being submissive or dominant is not what i consider a kink.

Kink itself being a sexual orientation, having looked up dictionary definitions...'a person's sexual orientation is defined by the gender to which he or she is sexually attracted' so that inclines me to want to say no, however one can be sexually attracted to certain acts, kinky acts.

S/m for example provides me with sexual gratification on its own, i dont need sex to be a part of it to be satisfied, im sexually attracted to s/m, as i am with other kinks.

People seek out kinky activities for sexual purposes, there need not necessarily be a relationship with the person who they are getting their kink from, its the kink itself that is what they are seeking, that they are sexually attracted to.

So im on the fence on that one.


Last one...finally got there...better go check just in case though!

Marrisasub asked

"Im sorry this is slightly more than one question.  Having been together for as long as you have, how do you keep it going? keep things fresh? does it not get boring old, the kink, the control?  Do you have times of feeling that your fed up of submitting and he of dominating and would be happy to be just vanilla?"

The first thing that came to mind when reading this, is this

It would be like saying to a happy content vanilla couple

"hey, i know your happy and all that, been together a long time, but really you should put some kink into your life, try a bit of domination and submission, i know it doesnt interest you at all, but it must get boring and old being so vanilla, arnt you fed up of it"

As with all relationships, regardless of whether they be within the realms of ttwd or vanilla, you both have to work at it, not that im saying it should be hard work, but i think its easy to slip into being complacent, and end up with that feeling of being stuck in a rut, if the effort is not put in, on both sides.

No, the kink and control it does not get boring or old, or i have certainly not felt that, if anything it just gets better, i love being tied up and given a good caning today as much as i did 10 years ago, even more so.  The control, yes sometimes i get periods of "i dont want to" because its not always easy or it might be simply that i dont feel like it, but thats just too bad, the man has the patience of a saint at times, i would have probably throttled myself by now!

Nor do i have times of feeling fed up of submitting, its the way i am, one cannot change their basic nature, no matter how much they might want to, again like i said above, not always easy, for the same reasons.   In respect of Master pretty much the same, even to the point its not always easy, its a responsibility owning another, and i know i can be un-necessarily difficult.

So to conclude, just being vanilla is not an option, not that in anyway i think ttwd is better at all, but im sorry if its a cop-out answer but its just the way we are....and even through the difficult times, i wouldnt change a thing....ok perhaps being allowed more orgasms!

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

yay...it dont take much to make me happy

Just a voucher from my dad for Amazon so i can download lots more books to add to my reading pile, which is getting longer and longer.

A bottle of Baileys from my buddy, for having her children overnight.

Thats my night sorted....im going to hang a do not disturb sign on the lounge door, no im going to lock myself in just to be sure.

The Princess...just when i thought i had heard it all

Im seriously thinking of re-naming my blog "Bdsm soap opera"

this can be part 556, take 1

I thought i was past being shockable, but i was wrong.

So he says the other day, out the blue

"what are your thoughts on me taking the virginity of a very sub lesbian?"

After picking ones jaw off the floor, i asked for more details, he gave them......after the inital "wtf" and processing the information, the next day i couldnt stop laughing, sitting having a coffee my daughter thought i had gone mad, as i was thinking about it and just burst out laughing.

From here on in sub lesbian with be known as the princess, coz im being flippant

So the princess wants to meet a couple, she has before but it didnt go too well, i get that, anyway she wants to lose her virginity...she is in her late 20's never been penetrated before either in the pussy or the ass (including the use of dildos/vibrators), she has sucked cock once but found it distressing, tasting cum is a hard limit.   Maybe i should call her Anastasia instead! as long as she isnt expecting Mr Grey, coz she will be shit out of luck!

Honestly, of all the men i know, he would be one of the last i would think of for losing ones virginity to!..im laughing thinking about it as im typing...i must have a warped sense of humour.  Laughing even more when he said, i should consider she might run a mile.

She does have experience within the realms of bdsm so she isnt totally Miss innocent.

I get why he is so interested in her, he is meeting with her on Friday, so depending on how that goes, its looking a real possibility, its a new experience for him, a challenge, and he hasnt had a new experience for a long time, so i can understand the appeal of the situation to him.

i think from what he has said she is going to be hard work, and yet i also think i am...hard work..and i dont want to be.

I think she will be hard work in the respect of that she needs careful handling, she is unsure of her desires, then you have the zero experience of sex, and i think for a woman losing ones virginity is different than it is for men, its more of an emotional thing, perhaps?  its important to her that a woman is present for..hmm support, understanding, to care.

Then there is me, being hard work.

Its a whole new situation for me, one i have never thought about, well nor as he come to that, so i have my own 'issues', how do i feel about it all? i admit to being intrigued, im trying to be positive and open-minded, he has asked that of me, and i am trying.  But yes there are elements of it that im not happy about at all, but thats not relevant, i dont want to be difficult, so its better to focus on that its something he is keen for, especially after the texting incident, i dont want to fuck this up, and me being difficult could do so.

Monday, 16 March 2015


I feel bloody dreadful, genuinely.

We wont be meeting that couple i mentioned in my rant/commercial break.

I mistakingly sent her a text which was intended for my Master, although not a particularly horrible text, it pretty much summed up how i felt about her attitude, shall we say an abbreviated rant of what i wrote here!

I do feel awful, in her shoes i would be absolutely livid.

I would have apologised, but Master handled it, thank fully he knows it was not intentionally, goodness one can only imagine what the consequences would be if it was intentional!

I will be paying a lot more attention to texting in future now.

Greengirl's questions

ta da.....i didnt forget lol

1) Are there any areas of your life that bossman just doesn't care to take control?

The first thing that popped to mind is micro management, well not in everyway, i dont need to seek his permission for every little thing, he expects me to know what is expected and allowed, if im not sure about something, i ask.

2)  Do you think it's because they are tedious?  just not particularly interesting? or just not his kink?

 its simply he doesnt see a need to, as said above he expects me to know what is acceptable and what isnt,  im sure he would find it very tedious very quickly if i had to keep asking to do every little thing, texting him while he is working to ask if i can go out? if i can eat? etc etc...nope, not his thing nor mine, not that i have anything against it i will add.

3)  Are there areas you wish he would step in more?

I had to think about this, and the fact that i had to think about it, leads me to saying no, there isnt.

4)  Areas he does take control - are they because they do interest him?

Yes but also because its more that i need it, and he recognises that i do, i do respond and thrive better under strict control, especially when i dont want it and try to fight it (bad slave) but thats when i need it the most, i will just come here and throw a tantrum when i think he is being unfair lol

5) He really cares that they are done a certain way? are a kink? because he just likes control? because its good for you?

 A combination of all of them to be honest, but if i had to choose one, it would be he just likes control

6) Are there things you wish he wouldn't want to control?

lol on first looking at this question all these things came to mind, minor things, not having to ask to use the bathroom,  masturbating/having an orgasm, im not allowed to even ask, i have to wait until permission is given, but then if he was to say 'you can masturbate/orgasm, use the bathroom whenever you want' im sure it would be a novelty at first, but one that would wear off very quickly and i wouldnt like it, so no, even the more bigger things it would be a no, because i do love and need to be controlled....its more important to me than any kinky activity.

*i was ready to hit publish, but then i wanted to clarify or rather explain something relevant to point 4, anticipating it might be picked up on.*

Why would i not want it/fight it if i acknowledge i love and need it.......because knowing you need something isnt the same as always wanting it, its like when he might be particularly harsh and i think he is being too strict, (in general, not just within kink)  i dont want it, generally because its not going my way (there i admitted it!) but when he is, i respond better in the long run.

thank you gg

Friday, 13 March 2015

A dream like state

*Just some thoughts swirling around, before a few days break from posting, and then back to questions i havent answered yet, i will*

i crave his brutality,
used by him
to be nothing more
than a vessel for him
to sate his desires

to be suspended,
skewers forced through tortured tits
the whip snaking over every inch of my skin
my tears, my pleading for mercy ignored
the tell-tale wetness, dripping down my thighs
is all he needs to know, to spur him on

i dont want his tenderness,
not in this moment, i hate him
but i love him
i want it to stop
but i want to endure

he knows me,
better than i know myself
he is making me explore my fantasies
i want to keep them safe, in my head
he will draw them out

some will be made reality,
that excites me and scares me at the same time
to admit what i desire, even though i fight it
and i will love it
he knows i will

When it goes wrong/lessons learned

Thanks to L'heureBleue for suggesting this, ref, the previous post

I had asked my Master if he would write the response to this, in how he would have handled it differently, and he might put forth his own views at a later date...might, at the moment he isnt well, makes a change,usually its me, anyway this is what i think.

The biggest error was a lack of communication, it really i think all does come down to that, it cant be stressed enough how important that is, and we both failed on this account, however its not easy for me to say this, because i do have the utmost respect for him, but i think the lack of communication was more on him than me on this occasion...which makes a change...usually im the guilty one!

1)  He should have prepared me better, at the least spoke to me about meeting with them, bearing in mind this is going back 8 years, so i wasnt obviously where i am now.  Having only the night before experienced my first time playing with others, which for the record i enjoyed, it was a night of many 'firsts' for me, a lot to get my head around.

2) If he had spoken to me, i would have had the opportunity to talk to him about it, he would have been better informed in respect of where my head was at, what my concerns were etc.  I was tired from the night before, emotionally as well as physically, and what i needed was time with him alone to process the night before......if i had known what was planned, i would have been able to say that.

3)  Why did he do it?  this is where i would prefer him to reply, i dont want to put words into his mouth, or make assumptions that i may be well off on.....however this is my thoughts on why...

i) The opportunity simply presented itself, we had travelled to meet the couple we met the night before, the other couple were close by, i had spoken to them both a fair bit online, and i think he was of the mind, may as well meet with them as well, as it was convenient.

ii)  He genuinely thought i was ready, that i could handle it, because i know he would not intentionally put me through something if im no way ready, he wouldnt risk jeopardising what we have, and potentially that could have done.

iii) He likes pushing me, he knows i like being pushed, it definitely pushed me alright, but too hard, too fast, he recognised that afterwards, and was sorry, he made a mistake...it happens

4)  We should have spoken more in detail about the use of safewording when playing with others, i knew i could, but i wasnt sure what would warrant me being able to use it, so on this meeting, both my Master and the other dominant were caning me simultaneously, it started to get too much, i started to panic, Master stopped it when he saw i was getting distressed, i wanted to safeword before he did stop it, but i didnt know if i was allowed to because he was caning me too, i thought i could only safe word if it was just me engaging with someone else, without him, observing, but not actively involved.

5)  When we got there and the other dominant accused me off peeping out from the blindfold, i think Master should have addressed the issue there and then, what was this other dominants motive? it was brushed aside, but for me it straight away had me doubting this other dominant, instant distrust...not a good start.

6)  When the sub was caning me, i think Master thought i was doing ok, because i was not showing any outward signs that i wasnt coping, but quite the opposite, i was trying to fight this instinct to walk out, i didnt feel safe and i wanted out, so when i did safe word, i suspect he couldnt understand why.

7) Regardless he should have addressed why i had safe worded there and then, i needed a 5 minute time out to talk to him alone

So, basically a huge, huge lack of communication, we have learnt from it.

Its not a situation i can foresee us being in again, of course that is no guarantee but im much more confident in knowing it would be handled better, differently,  im more confident that i would speak out if i was scared in the respect of not feeling safe, i would safe word even if it was just for a 5 minute time out and i know he would give me that.

To conclude, there are parts of it i enjoyed, afterwards (as Master reminded yesterday) i was so horny on our way back, he had to stop the car to deal with that, umm he had to clean the car seat off!

It did however give me greater respect for him, that he recognised and apologised for pushing me too hard, and for what went wrong, i think sometimes there is a tendency to expect too much from them (dominants) at times, to expect them to always get it right, ( i am guilty of that) they are just as fallible as any one else.

My trust in him never wavered at all, in fact later that night was the first time i relinquished a hard limit, he used needles on me, and i asked for them...not that thats relevant to the post.

Thursday, 12 March 2015

ancilla ksst's question

ancilla asked http://slavetomasterblog.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/begging-for-it-kotw.html

"Has there been any one thing that you have done for your Master, that you wished he'd never had you do?  If so was it because of the experience itself or the afterward?"

When i first read this i was like....omg  i do not want to answer this lol

Its difficult because although there are things i would rather not have to do, and i think you will get this...i do get off on being forced to do them...like licking pussy ugh, no appeal...but being forced, having my head shoved down there and getting beaten at the same time..fuck yes!

There isnt one particular thing, but rather a situation that i wish he had never put me in.

Time hopping back to 2007

We met a couple, it was only my second time playing with others, the first time being the night before, it was too much for me too soon.  There are quite a few things that contributed to me wishing he had handled it differently and/or never had me do.

1) I didnt know it was arranged, i dont cope well with surprises (even nice ones), so when i realised what was happening, i immediately was anxious, i felt that after the night before, being the first time, that was enough for then.  The better prepared i am, the better i can cope with what might be happening, especially in the case of it being new experiences.

2)  Although i had spoke to the couple beforehand a fair bit online, on meeting them, i instinctively didnt trust them, when we were sat talking, i just had this feeling, i was uneasy..... when we first arrived i was blindfolded, whilst my Master went out to the car, the dominant accused me of peeping out of the blindfold, i hadnt! so my mis-trust was justified, i dont like game playing....not like that..was he trying to get me into trouble?, provoke me? i dont know....i didnt have the confidence or even the experience to know how to react, i was too scared and unsure.

3)  The other sub was instructed to cane me, it was ok initially, i was quiet, not making a sound....then her dominant told her "harder" still no sound, and after each stroke again he would say "harder" it felt like he was trying to break me down, and it was inevitable that he was going to because it was more than i could cope with in that situation.

I did safe word, for 2 reasons, a cry for help, i was pissed at Master for letting it happen, no way was i going to handle that, and i couldnt understand how he couldnt see that, the other reason i was on the verge of getting up and walking out...not giving a damn that i didnt know where we was.

I was even more pissed, no upset that he asked that i take some more when i had safe worded, and i didnt feel i was in a position to say no, i didnt want to not please him, i was resentful that he didnt address why i had safe worded, i wasnt coping with it, at that point i wanted out of the whole situation..but again i didnt have the confidence to know what to do...so i did what was expected of me.

Bottom line, the whole experience was just simply too much for me, too soon, i felt pushed too far.

The afterwards, a few days later, it was horrid, things got a bit nasty, between us and them, things said etc

In hindsight, isnt that wonderful thing?  there is some of it, not a lot, that i did like, but not enough that its an experience i would want to repeat, although we have had great meetings with other couples since....its this one that i think about the most and perhaps contributes to my reluctance with meeting others.

The difference now, is i do have the confidence and the experience that i would have handled it differently, i wouldnt have let it get me to the point that i wanted out, because i know if i did, something is off and it needs addressing.

Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Stone-age versus internet age

Diverting now, still havent answered your original questions gg lol, and others, not complaining.

I was curious too about the difference between stoneage and internet age slaves?  On a more serious note, and related to your great answers on the second half...You say you don't feel you are there - in what he expects.  I'm not quite sure how to ask this - i feel mine has how he wants me to be - both working towards and right not.  They aren't the same.  Neither of us is setting the bar low, but i guess he figures i can always grow and improve, but that doesn't necessarily make me not want he wants here and now.  Sometimes im certainly not - but generally speaking....does that make any sense?  What do you think he would say?

I was being tongue in cheek, aimed towards my Master more than anything..coz he is so rigid in his definition of slave whereas im more flexible...but (of course, theres a but!)

When i first start exploring D/s i had the internet to find out about things etc, which can be both a blessing and a curse, when M/s was first brought up...i headed towards the internet, there is all this information thrown at you, pages of 'how to be the perfect slave', 'how to train your slave' etc etc.  I searched a lot of information, to get a bit more understanding, what is a slave, a consensual slave?

Then there are books, non-fiction books, so many today out there, providing information, advice etc, bdsm, kink sites, to find a Master or a slave, many well advertised clubs and munches.

But there is not one definition in my mind, because reading what i did, and especially discovering blogs, people live M/s in different ways, from playing being a sex slave to the full on 'i will do anything and everything slave'.  So, im less rigid in how i feel about the meaning of slave, i think there is way more flexability in the meaning than he does.

Master, when he started out, 30 plus years ago, there was no internet, it was word of mouth, who you know, magazines where you would reply or advertise with a box number and they would send any replies on to you.  Very private clubs, which again you found out about through word of mouth, they was not advertised, not to the extent they are today, you had to know what you was looking for to find them.

So based on then to now, the meaning of what being a slave is, TPE  has lost its relevance, its 'fashionable'..not my words, so the 'label' of slave in general im not hung up on, because its too generic, but it does matter to me what he thinks about it....does that make sense?

So, it was just very different, but getting to the point, his definition of slave is simply that they are there to obey, to please, but to be more specific in his words from a conversation which might give a more clearer idea of how he thinks, a recent one, in the aftermath of my recent punishment, as close to his words as i can.

"As my slave you can and will be treated that way at any time [hard and coldly].  I expect your obedience and respect at all times and you must serve me in any way I choose, at any time of my choosing."

"You are very welcome to tell me that something scares you, or that you are not keen, or even that you would rather not do something.  If however, I tell you to do something, I expect you to obey, whether you detest the activity or not"

"You may always ask questions about what I am planning, but I may choose to not answer them, subs get to discuss, slaves do not!"

See, this is an example of why im reluctant to let him on my blog! but he is coming on it anyway soon..in which case i shall probably go into hiding for a few weeks lol

But to answer your other questions, i dont feel im where he would like me to be, because my thoughts about it all differ to his, however we do do it his way! so its taking me time to get into the mindset he ultimately requires.

That being said, he is happy with how im doing, i have come a long way, but certainly i have a way to go, he would probably say my biggest hurdle is caring/worrying too much about what people think and that i do have quite a few moments of 'there must be something wrong with me for enjoying things that are wrong'.  So it holds me back, he wants to see me get to the point where i just let it all go, and embrace who i am, what i am to him, and there is no shame in that.

I am inclined to agree with him, but you know, im a stress head, i have a tendency to worry about things that might never be, heck im just a worrier full stop.

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

Questions from Delfonte and nice anon...a question for you to

Im getting there, i know i have more to get to...the end is in sight!

DelFonte  http://placeoffancies.blogspot.co.uk/?zx=46d260d4bf9ef5f5   asked

"Slave, property chattel, these all have emotive words which can be misinterpreted in the modern context.  If you were tasked with a new way of describing yourself, what words would you choose or would you resist and fight for your right to be called a slave?"

wow, what a question, different, i like that

I certainly wouldnt fight for the right to be called a slave, which i know might seem odd as thats what i refer to myself as, but when i look at how my Master defines slave (stoneage), compared to how i do (internet generation), there are quite a few differences, and i dont feel im there....in what he expects.

So, how would i describe myself...

I came up with concubine

A dictionary definition

"a woman who serves a man, to whom she is not legally married, one regarded as socially or sexually subservient"

Yeah that fits, otherwise, simply a consensual submissive......i dont feel i have done your question justice really.

Nice anon asked

"5 things you love about yourself? please"

ooh why is it always easier to talk about ones faults than this..i suspect you know that  lol

Im trying to avoid the cliches of saying nice, kind etc....damn this is difficult, shouldnt be, but it is...its like i dont want to come off arrogant!

1)  Im a good mother, i look at my son who is turning 18 next month, and im proud of him, and myself, im satisfied that i did well in contributing  making him into the young man he is becoming, both my children are nice kids to be around,,,,apart from the teenage angst at times..but thats part of the package.

2)  Im open minded, gay, bi-sexual, poly, kinky or vanilla, whatever, as long as people are happy with themselves and what they are doing, and its not effecting others...enjoy.

3)  Im fun to be around, might not seem like it on here at times lol, but yeah im generally happy-go-lucky

4)  I dont give up easily, i refuse to give up on something or indeed someone i believe in, i will always try to give something/someone all that i have, i make mistakes, i fail, but i will try again, and again.

5)  Im a good friend, i know im not easy to get close to, but when someone does, they know they can count on me, through the good times and the bad.

Nice anon, if you read this, i have one for you

I know i have asked you about blogging before, but is there any chance of you reconsidering?, from the comments you have made on my blog over time, you sound like someone i would like to know more about!

Monday, 9 March 2015

Disclaimers, opinions, and well this is not a 'how to..' manual

Back a few weeks ago there was the hullabaloo of google notifying bloggers of changes to their policy regarding pictures of a sexual/explicit nature, they have since u-turned on that....hurrah.

Anyway, around that time, i put some pics up, not sexually explicit in my mind, but bdsm orientated, i also removed the adult content warning that i used to have, after reading a post Florida Dom wrote (which reminds me i should put it back on).  

Last night, i had a comment on an older post, posts older than 7 days are moderated, because otherwise they have a tendency to go unanswered, so by having to 'authorise' the comment i tend to reply as soon as i can when i log in and see that i have one.

The comment is relevant, i think to q&a month, and any other time come to that, and surprise surprise it was anonymous.

To clear up some things that was said, and to avoid further mis-communication or angst.

1)  I have no objections to sexually explicit photos, but personally its not my thing, looking at close up cock pics does not appeal to me, and likewise nor does close up pussy shots appeal, like my photos will not be to everyones tastes.  Does this mean i object to sexually explicit  photos others put up? no, its their blog or whatever, who am i to judge!

2)  Like im pretty sure everyone else who blogs, what i write is my opinion, what i think etc, based on my own personal experiences, not everyone will have the same opinion, nor think alike, because hey, our experiences are unique to us all.  I will not get pissed off if someone disagrees with me, i enjoy healthy, friendly debate.

3)  In a similar vein to no.2 , this blog is not intended as a 'how you should do this etc' or 'how you should be', if someone takes offence at what i write, or interpret is as my way being the only way and their doing it wrong, then all i can say to that is....you are taking it too personally, triggered an insecurity perhaps, and thats on you! not me.  and before you think im being harsh, im not, because i have had times myself when i have read something and its made me slightly paranoid.

4)  I dont know everything....i know shocking that is!  and i have via other mediums, email etc 'spoke' to other bloggers, to ask their thoughts, opinions etc, and likewise i have had some contact me, and im totally ok with that, its in fact one thing i love about this blogging community, it is friendly.

5)  Comments, i do try to reply to all the comments i receive, usually set myself a 48hr window to reply, sometimes (because i do have a life beyond blogging, although it might not seem it at the moment as im blogging a lot lol) it may be longer than that.   But i do, i figure if someone is making the effort to comment, then i should make the effort to reply....if your pissed that i havent, then just say "hey tori, i wrote a comment a while back, you havent replied, and i would like it if you could" you know, you dont need to leave me a rant about it!

Im inclined to make this a separate heading/tab, if i remember how to! lill.......you helped me last time...come out, come out, where ever you are!

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Questions from Julie and Misty

Julie http://masterspleasingbitch.blogspot.co.uk/ my apologies, i missed your question, not intentional, having to go back and check i havent missed others, if i have sorry! and will catch up

"I wander apart from the obvious, what are the key differences to this relationship as a slave is different from others you have had in the past?"

Im not sure if you mean other D/s relationships or vanilla ones as well, so will go with meaning D/s, if im wrong, please let me know and i will edit as appropriate.

I have only had one D/s relationship previous to being with my Master, it was very brief, and i have had to think about this, it was a long time ago lol...we saw each other 6/7 times, perhaps more, but certainly no more than 10 times, honestly cant remember exactly...but anyway it was far from being what i would call a relationship, play partners would be more apt.

So lots of differences

Lets call him Mr (fuck i cant even recall his name) Smith, that will do, Mr Smith, looking back now, in hindsight, was dom whilst scening rather than being a dominant in nature..if that makes sense?  I found out later, that he was actually a switch, one thing he wanted to do was for me to watch him being dominated by a professional Domme, strangely enough thats when i knew for sure it was time to call it a day....not that there is anything wrong with that at all..but it just wasnt for me, everyones needs are different.

I didnt have many rules, in fact i think it was the obligatory no orgasms without permission....what is it with Doms and that?  as a side note..anyone out there that does not have that rule?

Basically other than when we was together there was little interaction, so im sorry my reply cant be more detailed but the situations were worlds apart as you can probably tell.

Misty asked http://submissiontosubmissive.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/answer-for-jz-my-theme-song.html?zx=4be8b20a10ddcde4

"What makes you feel sexy?"

oh bloody hell misty lol, umm can i be very cliche here and simply say he does! the way he looks at me with desire even though i might covered in welts, cuts or piss, he has given me self confidence in myself body wise, and that is what makes me feel sexy.

"Do you try to do more than what is asked of you, to please bossman?  If yes, can you give us examples, or ideas we could all use?"

I do, not all the time, but i try.

So an example would be asking him, or preferably begging him to do something to me that i dont like or want and its something he really enjoys, because its easy to submit to things i like and want, its easy to submit when i have no choice...but to ask, beg for something that he likes and i dont, it shows im willing to push myself for him, that im putting pleasing him before my own dislike of something....he likes that a lot.

Another one, is just doing the littlest of things, things that although are not an expectation of me,  i know he would like it,  for example wearing skirts and dresses more often, on occasion he may dictate what he wants me in, but generally i choose what i like to wear..things like that, just something that is not a rule etc but yet you know doing xyz they would appreciate.

thanks for the questions ladies

Saturday, 7 March 2015

Another commercial break

Shouldnt really, because got questions still to get to and i will, im enjoying it, blogger is exploding with it all, keeping up with others posts let alone my own is keeping me busy, but its good fun.

Goodness im posting so much, im making up for being away for a couple of months! but this is me done now until Tuesday, ok maybe Monday lol

Update on the rant post

So the sub finally texted me, yesterday, no, the day before that, anyway, bottom line is she doesnt want to talk to me because she doesnt like talking about her kink!  as i said to Master..what am i meant to talk to her about then...fashion?  I was abrupt in my reply to her.."fine, lets just leave it as it is"...because i cant be doing with trying to draw blood out of a stone.

Master being the voice of reason says "you were like that once" goodness sake, did you need to remind me of that, coz now i am feeling a little.....inconsiderate, not that i regret the post, hey thats part of what my blogs for!

Anyway, its left between Master and her dom to sort out, i no longer have any interest in wanting to know details, (that could be subject to change closer to the time if we meet up) as my daughter is prone to saying....whatever! (which is very irritating and i do tell her off for, people do say we are very alike!).

A few thoughts that have come to mind, which explains a fair bit is, they havent been together long, less than a year, they are bedroom kink only, role play dom and sub, and are play partners only, rather than being in a full-time relationship which i have determined from reading both their profiles on Fetlife.  Which to make clear i have no issue with at all, cant be all the same but they do appear very open minded in respect of kinky activities.

Jealousy did rear its ugly head, on my part, we have never played with anyone that is, oh bugger how to put this, well that play to the extent we do in regards of intensity, but theres a first time for everything right?  Im not on form with how much pain i can handle, havent been for a while, due to health issues, and it bothers me, what if i cant get back to where i was?

Which led to the whole "will you be disappointed if i cant take as much pain?" train of thought, no he wouldnt be, he assured me of that, but still it lingers, he's a sadist he needs and wants to give pain, the more the better.  I want it, crave it, so i still do desire it, thats not an issue at all, so being insecure like i am, im jealous that someone else could well give him what he needs in respect of his sadism.

Anyway, no point in dwelling on that, worrying over what may never be, nothing is set in stone on whether we meet them or anyone else.

On a positive note, he has agreed that if, when we do, i can go into it as i said about in previous post, which just knowing that is making me more relaxed about the whole thing, and more importantly which i hope he will be pleased about, im actually more enthusiastic about it..not enough that if given a choice i wouldnt do it, but still its progress and thats something right?

Friday, 6 March 2015

Going to that special place...humiliation

A question via email, i have broken it down to the specific questions, as it was quite long winded, not that im complaining, so please dont think that! i found your email interesting, giving me much to think on...and i like that, you dug up some very old posts lol

"What is it about humiliation that you love so much? are there areas within humiliation that you can't handle?  what is your favourite type of humiliation? activity wise?  You mentioned being objectified in an earlier post, is that similar to being humiliated?  How does this help when you are meeting with others?  What does it do for you?

Being humiliated is something that really gets me into a good headspace, im much more pliable, well i am anyway, but even more so in humiliation, its when i get into this place of just 'being' that its the best time to push me, it just removes any inhibitions, and rather than perhaps making me feeling vulnerable, although it can do, mostly though it makes me feel liberated in my slavery (a contradiction i know!)...i really find it difficult to explain lol.

Humiliation can take many forms, i have no issue with being called a dirty slut etc, the more degrading his words are, the more he makes me feel worthless, the more responsive i get, what i couldnt handle is anything body related, ie weight that would not have a positive effect, so we dont go there.

I would not like and know i couldnt handle humiliation from anyone else, its too personal i think, i would react very differently to how i am with Master.

My favourite form of humiliation is objectification, removing essentially everything about me that defines one as a person, to be no more than a 'thing' to be used for his amusement and enjoyment.  I find this is especially helpful when he is going to be pushing me in areas im not comfortable with, because i can 'escape' into myself and therefore find it easier to just let go.

So meeting others is something im not comfortable with at all, i would say its the area i have the most difficulty with, this is how i have best handled it..on reading your email, i brought this up to Master as we are potentially meeting a couple soon.

Before their or our arrival, to have collar and lead on, wrist and ankle cuffs on, hooded or at the least blindfolded, no clothing, this has the immediate effect of 'grounding' me for want of a better phrase, not being allowed to speak, unless im asked something which requires an answer, but ideally i would not want to have to speak at all.

No sitting on the furniture, my place is kneeling at his feet, whilst they might be talking, and to just be directed by him on what he wants, my focus is entirely centred around his commands, one of my most favourite times when we met a couple it was similar to this, i think initially they found it a a bit intimidating, and i can understand that.

Because it can i think be considered 'robotic' the way i am, like that, but i love it, it just gets me where i need to be, in any scenario, with others and when we are on our own.

Favourite activity humiliation wise, goodness, i really cant put it down to one, i love being pissed on, and yeah i drink it as well (i have had comments before questioning the health risks of this, well 10 years on im still alive!), having my face pinned down onto the shower floor to lick it up, being told what a filthy disgusting slut i am,

To licking his feet and waiting desperately to being allowed to suck his cock, begging for it, and being denied, until he is satisfied, making me ask for something, especially something i dont like and want, and worse when he makes me be thankful and grateful for it...when im bloody not! the quick, hard slaps to the face that come unexpectedly, just doing something ordinary and suddenly 'smack' and his taunting "this is what you want isnt it bitch? etc etc ...mmm love it.

There is just so much more about it that we do, and more i want to explore.

As per usual, i know i have comments to catch up on, forgive me, will get to them tomorrow, for now im off to catch up on others blogs....as well as attempting to make chocolate brownies, which is not going to well..im on my 2nd attempt!  baking is not my forte.

Thursday, 5 March 2015

D/s to M/s

A question from collared mum http://chasingmechasingyou.blogspot.co.uk/2015/03/question-and-answer-round-2.html?zx=e2a74921c6d92f09

"How did you and Bossman get into your Master/slave dynamic?  Did you start in a 'regular' D/s and escalate?

We started as D/s, from the beginning, we have never been vanilla in our relationship having met through a bdsm website, quickly moving to real time.  I suppose one has to question what the difference between D/s and M/s is? i can only give my personal opinion on this.

Its a subtle difference i think but yet being contradictory its also a big difference, for me being his slave is not being how i imagined/thought and even wanted it to be, our M/s is based on how he wants it, and therefore his expectation of how his slave should be, which yes came into conflict with my ideas etc...tough!

Initially i had more of an input in our relationship, i could say no, there was not the extent of control over me then that he has now, but he exerted more as we went on, it just became apparent within a year maybe a bit longer that i needed more, he wanted more.

We discussed it, talked about expectations from both sides, and so the new journey began, i think enslavement in its entirety is a gradual progress, rather than waking up one morning with the "yay im a slave" train of thought, one needs to be realistic in their expectations of each other.

As his slave, its really pretty simple, to be obedient, pleasing and respectful, well it should be pretty simple...sometimes i fail, but mostly, and i dont give myself enough credit, i do bloody well lol, coz he is very demanding on what he expects from me.

If i was forced to put a label on our relationship i would define it as Owner and property and sometimes i need the reminder of that, especially if things go off kilter, which it can do.  I thrive on being strictly controlled, even though sometimes i try to fight it, its those times that i need it the most.

For me slavery is less about the physical aspects and more about the mental, adapting to the mindset of being focused only on pleasing him, overcoming my own worries, fears etc and just obeying without thought.

All, everything i am, is his, it can be difficult at times, but i wouldnt want it any other way, im of the mind that if it all comes to easily all the time then i wouldnt be being pushed enough, and i want/need to be to, to better myself and for him.

Growth, new kink and a holiday

Roz asked

what is the biggest area you feel you have grown since being with your Master and what is the area you would say he has grown in the most?

For me i would say its being more secure/confident in myself, self image etc i have a mother who has never made me feel like im good enough, but well lets not go there.  There are some areas we are still working on, in being confident, but overall when i look back to when we first got together i have come a long way, i even wore a shortish skirt the other week on a night out together .....i would never have done that a year ago, or  even 6 months ago...i know not a big deal for some..but to me it was....it was progress, and i like things about myself that once i thought was unhealthy or wrong.

He makes me feel good about myself, that im good enough not just for him, but for me, that im worth something, im needed.

For him, wow, ok umm difficult lol..because he's an old man he has done a lot of growing!

Patience and tolerance (yeah i know thats 2 things lol) i would say, he doesnt talk a lot about his past subs/slaves but from what he has said over the years i get the impression i have been the more difficult, in the respect of some of the struggles i have had and do still have.  I do wander if many dominants would have or could put up with me, but he has never given up on me, he has never shouted, or lost his temper when there have been times i could quite well understand if he had done.  He is the most infuriatingly calm and in control person i know, not with the sat nav though, she gets more verbal abuse than i do!

Are there things kink wise you haven't explored yet and would like to?

oh yes, water torture is something i would love to try, being tied up and dunked in a full size water tank, alas its one of the very few things he has little to no interest in.  Objectification is another one, we do a fair bit of that but its something i would like to expand on in different/other ways, i like being treated (apart from the punishment when he was) coldly, like im worthless, and simply well and object to be used just for his enjoyment.

If you could vacation anywhere, where would it be?

Egypt, i love history, read a lot non-fiction books about history, people, places, and i would like to see the pyramids, the tombs. to explore the culture, architecture i have read so much about...but this is subject to change at any time.

Thank you Roz

and anon asked

What the nastiest thing he has ever done to you in detail?

A couple years back, he made me eat at a Cantonese restaurant, im still too traumatised to go into details..sorry.

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

Submissive, struggles and a question for all

So, moving on from the rant.

His slut over at http://thoughtsfromhisslut.blogspot.co.uk/?zx=ebb5065c610694bb asked...

At what point in your life did you know you were submissive?

Early twenties i would say, was when i became more aware of the desires i had, just didnt have a name for them, i had these fantasies of wanting to be dominated, tied up, instructed in what to do etc it was a while before i actually did anything about exploring them though.

You often journal your struggles.  Is it easier for you to share that side than share the more intimate side?

I do, dont i lol.  My biggest issue, and what causes a lot of my struggles is i do hold myself back from letting go completely, as soon as i feel like im there, i get scared and want to pull back.  I had to think on this question, i dont think its so much that i find it easier, its just easier for me to write about these times because i find it helpful to write it out, it helps in giving myself perspective..not sure than makes any sense or not.

Are you afraid of judgement if you shared the intimate times between you two?

No, there have been many posts that i have written that are more likely to have people judging, none of those being intimate in nature.  I should make more of an effort to write about our intimate moments, because there are many of them, but intimacy for me can range from an s/m session, the connection between us at these times for me is intimate, to see his desire for me, and mine for him,  to simply cuddling up in bed and falling asleep, intimacy takes on many forms.

as an add on, was going to make it a separate post, but im not!

Master and i have a different point of view about this, so im putting it out here for anyone that would like to give their thoughts...hmm im counting on submissive solidarity here lol


My point of view

I do not define myself as bi-sexual, i have been with women at his request, its not something i enjoy, to the extent given a choice i would not do it, he would like me to be more enthusiastic, to learn to love it, embrace it, and believes i can in time.  I however am of the mind that you cannot make someone something they are not, i can try, but ultimately i have no desire for other women, it just doesnt do it for me, so i cannot see that i will ever be jumping for joy about being with a woman sexually.

His point of view

He thinks i can and should be able to, based on the fact that i have grown to love elements of bdsm that once i wasnt keen on. (whereas i feel thats completely different).

So thoughts, and anyone felt like i have and eventually learned to love it?


Tuesday, 3 March 2015

I want to be done with being nice

*a commercial break from q&a for a well needed moan/rant, then i must catch up on comments, getting behind*

So he has been talking to this couple to potentially meet, for yeah you know kinky stuff.

He gives the female sub my telephone number so we can talk, but then her dominant texts me to say she would rather we communicate by email, she emails me to say she would rather it be by text then by phone...with me so far!

So i text her, im nice, kind....coz thats the person i am.....until i get pissed off.

Master had said that they dont 'play' as hard as we do so, i thought to put her at ease i said to her it was awkward this sort of thing, not knowing what to say, she replied "I know" so ok, to break the ice i asked her if there was anything she would like to know about us, has she played with others before, didnt get a reply.

Ok, thinking maybe she is uncomfortable, i said to her that i have very recently joined Fetlife (they are on there)and although there is little info on it at the moment, im working on adding to it, plus there is a link to my blog on it (in hindsight it might be for the best she doesnt read my blog!), not that it matters because she never answered anything i asked! and the reply was

"dont see why we need to do this, am happy to leave it up to the men"

 I spoke to Master about it and he suggested i text her to say i needed to speak to her, after all its what her dom had asked for as well....and she never replied at all...ok its been 10 hours, but really how long does it take to do a brief text message.

OK, so i have tried, i have been nice..now

 im not feeling very nice, the only thing that is stopping me from telling her exactly what i think about her attitude is....it would more than likely get me punished..and well,,,,yeah dont want that, but its got my back up, so well if we do meet up..just how joyful is that going to be?

I figure she is either

a) not wanting to meet up...and thats ok, coz quite frankly  i dont want anything to do with you either, well hmm, maybe she is nervous, but for goodness sake how many olive branches can i hold out?

b) she wants to meet up, but just doesnt want any communication with me for whatever reason...and thats ok because now i want to meet with them, i didnt, but i do now, because she likes playing pain games, and so do i, and slut (that's what she likes to be called) i can play them better!  im now inspired because im pissed off....ooh tori put your claws away!

Master you need to beat and torture me more i need to get back on form!

*ok edited to add, im pissed off (aka a little scared) because meeting others is something i struggle with, we are working through that, and her responses, or rather lack of responses is making me nervous, the times we have played with others, i have gotten on with everyone, (apart from one situation where the couple were fine at the time, but not afterwards), the communication has been fine, so im unsettled and im reacting defensively, worrying about if this is what she is like now, whats she going to be like face to face*

Why do i have the feeling im going to get the "its not a competition" lecture.  I know that, i do, its not about that.

How do i feel a couple of weeks on? punishments

Anon asked, im going to assume this is from the same anon that replied on that post.

"Do you feel any different about the punishment you received now, compared to when you wrote the post about it?  Do you get punished regularly? on what grounds would a punishment be given?"

Yes and no, to the first question.

Yes because i can recognise that it was for the best, i always knew i deserved it so thats not an issue at all, it was horrid, i dont want to go through it again, it just brought about, what i can only describe as this explosion of thoughts, emotions, that escalated to the point i wanted to withdraw from him, because i was hurting in so many ways, by shutting off i could protect myself, defence mechanism i would say...consequently it brought about a conversation that was difficult.

However, now, as painful as it was at the time and i dont mean just of the physical nature, how i felt etc, the subsequent conversations have me in a much better place, and i feel i needed to go through it all to come out more positive, its just put us back on track, not the actual punishment but the effects it caused.  I am feeling much more secure about myself and our relationship than i have in a while.

No, because if im going to be truthful, i still cant get my head around his coldness immediately afterwards, im past dwelling on it, but its there.

I dont get punished regularly, well define regularly lol.....that was the first punishment i had received in months, but there were things that i probably should, well i know i should have been punished for, but i wasnt, that in hindsight, he said himself was a mistake on his part, one that wont happen again.

I dont foresee, or i hope to go a long, long time without needing to be punished, but thats down to me, to ensure what he expects of me is what he gets, and what he does expect isnt unreasonable.

Grounds for punishment?

Most definitely disobedience and disrespectful attitude/behaviour will result in being punished, thats a given, otherwise i think its dependent on the situation, the circumstances, like for example, during s/m its not uncommon for me to call him horrid names, i wouldnt get punished for that, if anything it spurs him on! but if i was to call him a fucking bastard in a conversation..yeah that wouldnt go down too well at all.....not that i would dream of doing that....think it...heck yes!!!

I am doing questions in order received, but as this one ties in with this, im putting it in here, yeah im queue jumping!

SissysubNY asked

"You said you are allowed to speak freely here, that it's considered your domain, would you get punished for something you wrote, stop you blogging?  Thank you"

I do consider it my domain, however when push comes to shove, because of how our relationship works, blogging is a privilege, something he allows me to do, and is happy for me to do, but he could if he chose to do so take it away for a set time or even permanently (unlikely permanent, but the point is he could), perhaps even as a punishment in itself....and i would not be happy about that..umm yeah but thats the point of a punishment!

I am allowed to write what i like, but if the content was in conflict with what he expects of me, hmm it would depend on the circumstances, intent of what i write,..not sure i have explained that well....then yes he would punish me.

Thank you for the questions, hope that covers what you wanted to know.