Monday, 23 March 2015

Be happy with who you are

Via email,.....and now you have took a break lol

I did say i would leave this until last, its a sensitive subject but im ok with it :)

"You have mentioned in passing issues you have had with your mom, do you think those issues contribute to the insecurities that you have at times now?"

Im glad i left this until last, i have thought a great deal about this, im the sort of person that tends to not want to linger in the past, especially the negative parts, i would much rather shove them in the proverbial cupboard and lock them away....tried counselling and it wasnt for much better at dealing with things by just shutting it out and not talking about it.


My mother, well, im no closer to understanding her now than i was 20 years ago, i cant fathom why she is the way she is with me, i think she loves me but she doesnt often express it, i havent turned out to be the daughter she wanted.

My mum always wanted a girl, she had my brother first and admitted she was disappointed, then 21 months later i came along, and she was delighted, she got the girl she desperately wanted, but as i grew up, i was more a tomboy than a girly girl much to her horror.

She would dress me up, all pretty, and i would be out with my brother and cousins, playing in the woods, making dens, getting dirty and she hated that, it wasnt what i was meant to be like, and she would tell me that, one of her favourite sayings, and still is to this day is "i dont know where i went so wrong with you" she likes to tell me that when i dont live up to her expectations of me.

When i sat my GCSE's i got 4 a's, 2 b's and 2 c's, the a's wasnt mentioned, just the disappointment of the b's and c's, it simply wasnt good enough, im not good enough...she likes to still remind me of that to.

When i got pregnant at a relatively young age, and to make it worse split up with the father when i was still pregnant,  it was a lecture of how she didnt realise that her daughter was a slag, (that is a term to this day i cant abide, i hate it) what decent man would want me now, and worse what will people say! my mum cares a lot about image.

So that pretty much sums up my mum.

I hate that even now, i try to seek her approval, but i dont want to give up on her, she is my mum and i love her.  But i refuse, or i try to, not let the way she is with me, dictate who i am, because i am happy with who i am, even if she isnt.

Does it contribute to my insecurities i have now?  i want very much to say no, but i think perhaps it does, although i try not to let it.

It manifests itself in the way i think, that when i fail at something, or i struggle, i believe its because im not good enough, that there is something wrong with me because im not perhaps being the way he wants me to be, the very rational part of me knows thats not true, but it lingers.

I wish i had the answers on how to deal with it, but i dont, i try very hard to focus on the positives, that i know im good enough, and i am, i think for the most part, but sometimes yeah i dwell on it.

Not sure i have been much help.


  1. Tori,

    I have issues with my mother as well, It has been almost two years since I have heard the words "I love you" from her. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. But, I have learned to NEVER talk to her about a subject that would require any form of attention or care on her part (it is safer for me this way). I do not call her and seek approval, I only discuss plain boring subjects like the weather, dinner, or a tv show.

    I know it sound horrible but, we only speak on the phone twice a year ( the last couple of years), since my mother is a woman that is in love with being the victim and gaining the attention of those too stupid to see she is lying.

    But, I love her, I just will never give her a piece of myself that has a risk of being hurt once again.

    Though I hate that she must gain attention from being the victim (even if she has to make stuff up), I have learned that I am not a victim, I am a survivor of it all.


    1. thank you for this

      If it wasnt for the fact that she is a brilliant granny to my children, which i find confusing, but im glad she is, they love her and she is loving with them, then i could quite happily cut her out of my life.

      It is difficult, i dont think it sounds horrible at all, if she isnt a healthy presence in your life then its best not to have her in it.


  2. When I reached my early twenties, I realised you can love a significant person in your life, like a parent, but don't have to like them. Unfortunately, I spent much of my childhood missing this point and it caused a create deal of anger in me. Now, I accept that's the way it's going to be and I let that anger go - it's rather wasteful and unproductive. They're not going to change and neither am I.
    I'm sorry your mum failed to see what wonderful GCSE results you got.

    1. How very true that is, it reminds me of that saying, you can choose your friends but not your family, i certainly wouldnt choose to be a friend to my mum.

      I have learned to deal with it, i can talk about it, it didnt bother me or upset me in anyway writing the post, i have just come to accept that this is how it is,

      Like you said, they wont change and nor will i,

      thank you