Via email,.....and now you have took a break lol
I did say i would leave this until last, its a sensitive subject but im ok with it :)
"You have mentioned in passing issues you have had with your mom, do you think those issues contribute to the insecurities that you have at times now?"
Im glad i left this until last, i have thought a great deal about this, im the sort of person that tends to not want to linger in the past, especially the negative parts, i would much rather shove them in the proverbial cupboard and lock them away....tried counselling and it wasnt for me....im much better at dealing with things by just shutting it out and not talking about it.
My mother, well, im no closer to understanding her now than i was 20 years ago, i cant fathom why she is the way she is with me, i think she loves me but she doesnt often express it, i havent turned out to be the daughter she wanted.
My mum always wanted a girl, she had my brother first and admitted she was disappointed, then 21 months later i came along, and she was delighted, she got the girl she desperately wanted, but as i grew up, i was more a tomboy than a girly girl much to her horror.
She would dress me up, all pretty, and i would be out with my brother and cousins, playing in the woods, making dens, getting dirty and she hated that, it wasnt what i was meant to be like, and she would tell me that, one of her favourite sayings, and still is to this day is "i dont know where i went so wrong with you" she likes to tell me that when i dont live up to her expectations of me.
When i sat my GCSE's i got 4 a's, 2 b's and 2 c's, the a's wasnt mentioned, just the disappointment of the b's and c's, it simply wasnt good enough, im not good enough...she likes to still remind me of that to.
When i got pregnant at a relatively young age, and to make it worse split up with the father when i was still pregnant, it was a lecture of how she didnt realise that her daughter was a slag, (that is a term to this day i cant abide, i hate it) what decent man would want me now, and worse what will people say! my mum cares a lot about image.
So that pretty much sums up my mum.
I hate that even now, i try to seek her approval, but i dont want to give up on her, she is my mum and i love her. But i refuse, or i try to, not let the way she is with me, dictate who i am, because i am happy with who i am, even if she isnt.
Does it contribute to my insecurities i have now? i want very much to say no, but i think perhaps it does, although i try not to let it.
It manifests itself in the way i think, that when i fail at something, or i struggle, i believe its because im not good enough, that there is something wrong with me because im not perhaps being the way he wants me to be, the very rational part of me knows thats not true, but it lingers.
I wish i had the answers on how to deal with it, but i dont, i try very hard to focus on the positives, that i know im good enough, and i am, i think for the most part, but sometimes yeah i dwell on it.
Not sure i have been much help.