Thursday, 19 December 2013

Wrapping up for the season

Really busy here at the moment with work and the usual family stuff that goes on at this time of the year, so i know i have comments to get back to and i will after Christmas.

this is just a post to wish all of you a happy Christmas, enjoy yourselves, to those that may not celebrate it...well carry on as normal lol

See you all on the other side of this manic but well worth the manic time.


Tuesday, 10 December 2013

When love and hate collide

You scare me sometimes Master.  Sometimes i am fearful of you, and in little moments i really think i hate you.

Spiders scare me, im afraid of them, and i really think i hate them.

The thing is about the spiders is i live in the UK, we dont have 'dangerous' spiders here, but nevertheless for reasons which are completely irrational im fucking scared of the little 8 legged freaks, i know they cant hurt me...heck im not stupid i know that...but they provoke this major reaction out of me that is really quite pathetic.

I love roller coasters, have 'done' all the big themes parks here in this country as well as quite few over in the US, but as im lining up (usually with my children) i get a little scared, some even have frightened me but yet i stay in the line waiting, and the apprehension is building, torn between being afraid but yet strangely excited.

Finally get on and im checking the safety bar, gripping onto it convinced it might fall off! within 3 minutes its over, and its a huge adrenalin rush, a couple of roller coasters i have come off swearing im never doing that one again, i hated it, the kids laugh at me as we walk around the park and im moaning about how bad it made me feel.....

umm and after a few hours i find myself back in that queue.

These descriptions are the closest ways i can think to explain how sometimes i fear Master, or what he is doing to me, its an irrational fear, but at the time it feels so very real..because it is afraid.

But the fear dissipates eventually, sometimes taking longer to go than at other times, but eventually its replaced by a sense of elation, excitement and whatever he has done to make me feel afraid, angry or distressed is replaced by an adrenalin rush and

yeah i want to get on the 'ride' again because even though at times im scared, pissed off at him and boy do i  let him know how i feel...heck read some of my posts and you all get a peek of how upset i why do i put myself through this again and again...

because getting through to the 'other side' of feeling elated etc is worth it, its a funny thing submission, i write about it being 'my' submission...but its not mine, its his, he owns it, he owns me, he pushes me not just physically but emotionally, kink and vanilla wise....and it can be draining, it can cause me to 'fight' him, to want to put walls up.

But through all of this, really its not about just him getting his 'kicks' its giving me what i need, because as much as it seems its all about the doms and their wants and needs.....most want a 'healthy' submissive, most want to 'know' their submissive, inside and out, to see them grow.....and its about trust, i trust him because he knows me.....and i submit to things that make me believe i hate him because actually he knows me better than i know myself.....and that can be a scary and frightening concept in itself when your essentially saying

" im yours, im putting myself in your hands, in return i trust you to keep me safe, to care for me"

Its a funny old thing when love and hate collide.

Sunday, 8 December 2013

Sexual encounters of the third kind

Well im out of my comfort zone trying to describe sex sessions with Master, lack of confidence and its not really way up on my list of importance in respect of our relationship...i the hell i made the 100 sex blog list of 2013 is still an enigma lol

So please dont be expecting a really erotic dialogue because you will be sorely disappointed! im so bad at this, honestly you wouldnt believe how many times this has been edited, deleted and im still not happy with it.

I figured i would write about 3 times we had sex in the last week.

1)  I asked Master for permission to use the bathroom, he granted it but followed me in, motioning for me kneel in the shower, he stripped off his clothes and brought my head to his cock, he likes it slow, for me to lick the head before taking him into my mouth where i take it all down, i start to splutter as he holds my head, not allowing me to release him.

When he does pull out, he instructs me to pee which i do, then "turn around, hands and knees" his cock probes my pussy very briefly before he moves it to my ass, i love anal sex, and i especially love it with very little lubrication as is the case this time, he forces himself in and it hurts but in an oh so good way.

He pushes my head down onto the tiles, "lick your piss up, you filthy bitch"...this does it for me, and as he thrusts into my ass, my orgasm builds, my knees are hurting but i dont want him to stop, finally release comes for both of us.

We shower together, i love to wash him, it is perhaps more intimate than the sex itself, i relish in exploring his body, never tire of it.

2nd and 3rd will have to wait..didnt realise how late it was getting here.

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Well im shocked, in a good way

It was brought to my attention (thankyou lil) that im in the 100 top sex bloggers list of 2013 (no. 77), im honestly surprised at this, i dont know who voted for me..but whoever you are thankyou very much, i think im most shocked, because although im flattered i would not have considered this blog a sex blog...i dont often post explicitly about sex....i feel obligated to do a sex post now lol....cant now, limited on time....umm going to be a bit tied up ahem lol

Im going to make a conscious effort to check out the other blogs on the list over the next week, find some new reads.

So anyways, again, whoever got me on that list, i really dont know!...sincerely thankyou, you must have incredible patience from putting up through all the ranty posts to get the 'hot' ones lol.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

The choice is yours

I woke up this morning, pulled back the covers to check my tits were still attached, i was pretty sure from the state of them, yellow, bruised and vivid red welts over them, when going to bed last night that they was going to drop off....yeah slight exaggeration about the dropping off!

It all started very innocently while having a shower, ok maybe not so innocent being as it was a shower of the golden variety but anyways its pretty much the norm for us that, after relieving himself, he tells me to hurry up get showered and then i can have a  caning....yay.

I make sure im completely dry, i love a caning, but cane on wet skin ouchies and not in a nice way, he is waiting, cane in hand, "tits or ass first?, you choose" oh.  Im not so keen on a caning on the tits, plus im close to that time of the month and more sensative, not that this concerns him in the slightest, but i choose tits first, my reasoning being get the worst over with first.

"please may i have a warm up Sir?"


He has me kneel beside him, "Tell me when your ready for each stroke"...oh geez, you know i dont like this game, but i ready myself, hands under my tits offering them up, his hand grabs my hair to pull my head there is no obstruction, whap it strikes down hard, and i turn grabbing onto his legs, catching my breath.

And so it continues, feels much longer than it actually was and its hurting a lot, i just want to cuddle my poor beaten boobies, hoping for a reprieve before he moves on but thats not happening, "bend over" figure that asking for a warm up is pointless.

I love the cane, i do, but i struggle with it when a) there is no warm-up and b) i much prefer to be tied down, it just helps me to get into that mindset of accepting it because i cant do anything to avoid it..again he instructs me to ask for the strokes.  The first one has me falling forward, grasping the bedcovers, screaming into them, i turn to look at him, pleading that its too hard, just get that 'look' and resign myself to the inevitable.

Over with, i sprawl across the bed, im done..but he isnt "choose an item from the box, anything you would like, your choice"

Im grinning like the cheshire cat......what will i choose, decisions, decisions!

Monday, 2 December 2013

The missing pieces of the bigger picture

The previous post was a ramble, or more honestly me throwing my toys out the pram, because i needed to vent and let him know im still peeved about the spanking...put simply me throwing a tantrum because i didnt like it.

Some points made in the comments gave me pause for thought, and i felt needed further clarification.

Our relationship is M/s, which for us means for me there is no 'not feeling like it', no not having to do something just because i dont like it, telling him "no" is not acceptable....

his expectation of me is to be pleasing and obedient, that encompasses everything, when i fail (through my own fault) at either/or those then there are consequences.

Spanking, specifically otk position is just something i find embarrassing, humiliating in a way that doesnt give me a thrill, that is all, there is just no other explanation i can give, i simply dont like it.  He knows very well how i feel about it, and he doesnt do it very often, but because of the nature of our relationship he is well within his right to have me submit to it....and to expect me to submit gracefully without the tantrums.

I do think that its difficult to reason sometimes with relationships that are similar to mine, there is perhaps an element of 'no-one actually lives like this surely' or 'everyone has the right to say "no", to not have to submit to something they dont enjoy/dont like'

But people do live like this, and i know i am most certainly not the only one, the reality is its not easy, thats not to say its constantly difficult because thats not the case either, like any relationship it takes work, dedication but it meets my needs, i thrive on being owned.

Giving yourself to another completely is rewarding in so many ways, M/s isnt for everyone, if  pushed i would say the more difficult parts are learning to 'let-go' to accept the will of another, in fantasyland, part-time relationships, online, and those bloody books (yes im aware that this could cause controversy, but thats not my intent, nor is it my intent to cause offence) i dont think the realities are portrayed very accurately or rather its romanticised.

(edited to add) because the above paragraph is bugging me in that im not sure im clear in what i mean....which is that generally i think understanding M/s/tpe is difficult to comprehend until one is living it, of course how one defines these terms will vary from individuals.

Reality is for me, im his slave (as he defines it).  This means that i am answerable to my Master in every way.  Mostly this is not an issue, i thrive under his hand, it doesnt mean i like everything he asks/demands/expects of clearly demonstrated but thats irrelevant in our relationship.

But he only asks/demands/expects from me what is deemed reasonable, and its all done under the umbrella of consent.

The bigger picture

Bloody internet problems, well more specifically computer problems has kept me from blogger, and the mobile is ok for reading posts but a pain in the ass to post comments, that and well yeah im really struggling with what to write.....its just not coming together.

I got spanked.  Otk.  I was not happy, i dont like it at all, and i expressed my feelings about this in a completely undignified (language wise) way, quite ashamed really my behaviour was certainly not in any way what one would expect from a submissive, well most definitely not what he expects from his slave.

Have been pulled up on my behaviour quite a bit as of late, its not been really bad, but i had gotten complacent i guess, the big issues for him is me telling him "no" and not obeying his instructions without protests...and yeah i have been doing this far more than is acceptable.

The spanking for example, he instructed me to lay across his lap, and immediately i was "no way" pleading that i would bend over the bed, anywhere but just not otk, ok so one could argue its not a big deal, i know many love being spanked this way....i dont, i just find it humiliating and embarrassing, i dont like it and dont want to have to do it.

And as i typed that i realise, as i have also on reflection, that i have walked into a trap i should have moved on from a long time ago, and i understand his frustration with me.......

Its about him, his needs, wants, desires, i am putting my own dislike of something first, now dont get me wrong there is no huge underlying reason why i dont like being spanked, i simply just dont like it and that is not a reason to behave the way i did.

I got punished, not specifically for this incident but overall for the lack of respect.

I do think though, or maybe im just feeling still peeved off about the spanking (yes i hate it this much to still be dwelling on it) mostly i think he has it bloody damn good with me..not that im saying im this perfect submissive, not at all..but in the bigger picture, even when i do protest etc ultimately i do obey....

and now im thinking thats not the point though is it? i should show a willingness even when im not...oh fuck i dont know...should just stop there i think.