Wednesday, 31 October 2007

umm sometimes i fuck up...sorry

oh bloody hell i came on here to apologise for the last post, i was sulking to be honest and ok feeling a little hard done by, i didnt like what He said and i didnt like it because it was the truth and well as they say the truth hurts so i got stroppy hence the post. Then i realise He has posted a comment on the post of last night and i wanted to get my piece in first oh well never mind what He said was right so im not going to go over it now, although He has ruined my grovelling post(and that wont happen much here)because i was/am feeling bad about what i wrote.

The thing is i know its not meant to be easy and i knew as soon as i said "go on your own then" that i had definitley gone too far and not that it makes a difference but i did feel bad and i sat on my bed and cried when He logged off because i knew i was wrong, but i didnt want to admit that i was. Im not generally a sulker but after He punished me i was feeling hurt obviously as well as still stroppy over what He said and instead of accepting that i was in the wrong in the first place i comforted myself with the idea of what a nasty sadistic bastard He is making me feel this way conveniently forgetting that i brought it on myself.

So im sorry, i behaved childishly because i wasnt getting my own way and hearing what i wanted to hear so i acted out and you deserve better than that because i know im lucky that you do listen to what i have to say, and i really feel awful that i spoke to you disrespectfully because i do respect and love you very much

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

confused/flustered/fucked up......take your pick

I dwell on things and over analyze issues to the point that they consume me and i cant sleep until i have reached a conclusion and put my mind at rest. Today was one of those days, vanilla issues with my bloody mother which put me in a foul mood so when i got online to talk to Him i wasnt in the right frame of mind. My son has an elasticated Homer Simpson toy that has very stretchy arms and legs that can be pulled to quite a length, i feel like that toy stretched in all directions.

Im trying to piece together what happened and why i reacted the way i did and its bugging me usually once i have been punished i can move on but i cant this time, i dont see it as being resolved and it cant be resolved because i dont want to talk about it and i dont want to talk about it because that would mean voicing my opinion something which appears is only permitted when its one He agrees with. I shouldnt have said what i did, i should have phrased it better, i know my biggest fault is mouthing off before thinking and i cant take it back so the only solution is not to express my thoughts verbally. But then the flaw with that theory is there would be a breakdown of communication something i dont want to happen especially after the shitari episode but i feel im in a no-win situation, im damned if i do and im damned if i dont.

I dont really understand why i was punished, i know i deserved to be punished but i dont know specifically why, was i punished because i voiced an opinion? because of what i said? of how i said it? because i didnt agree with something?......and i was scared of Him i would have said anything He wanted to hear rather than risk saying/doing the wrong thing, and i dont like feeling this way and i dont know what to do make it right again.

Im worried about my damn ass it wont stop bleeding and that hasnt happened before, it scared the hell out of me there was blood everywhere all over the plug, the sheets down my legs and i dont know if thats normal or not. Its better than what it was but its still spotting i went for a bath and it started flowing again, if it hasnt stopped by tomorrow lunchtime i better go doctors because its really sore a lot more than usual.

I just want this day to be over and start afresh hopefully tomorrow will be a better day it sure as hell cant be as bad as today, i feel very insecure and i want to be stronger but im scared of just fucking up again, and the worst of it is even when i do have my moments the bottom line is i would do anything He wanted if i liked it or not and He knows that. I cant help the way i feel and im confused to whether i should have feelings or not, or if i should express them..fuck it im confused altogether, i need a brandy.

Friday, 26 October 2007

umm a rant sort of

Master had me wear a butt plug to work today for being disrespectful to Him on the phone yesterday and i thought thats not too bad as the one i have is just the right size ie. small so i wasnt really that concerned about it. I put it in (plenty of lube, thats the key on ass and plug) and it was ok i wasnt even the slightest bit uncomfortable, thankfully i was outside today so no sitting down and only in for an hour and a half so it was coping fine. I will however admit that i did go to sit down and have a coffee and within minutes was getting uncomfortable so i have no doubts that i wouldnt like it if i had to sit down for a long period of time with it in. It did though start to become uncomfortable on the way home so long term i think i wouldnt like it all, and it was a relief to get home and get it out.

I was feeling quite smug (because it wasnt bothering me) when He phoned and i was on my way to work and i told Him so which in hindsight was probably not my wisest moment as now He is most likely going to get something bigger, im hoping that He wont have time before we meet up next. I was further horrified when i got home and started browsing the net to look at butt plugs because in my naivete i really couldnt/didnt want to believe that you could get really large butt plugs, it just doesnt seem right to me that something that large should go up the ass.......its just not normal, but to my horror i came accross some pretty big ones, so now my mind is in overtime thinking how on earth i can distract Him from butt plugs altogether.

Unfortunatley i obviously need to brush up on my distraction techniques as later on whilst on the phone to Him i forgot myself again and ended up with the inflatable butt plug, which in all fairness He wasnt going to make me put it in but the strangest thing is i get more upset if He doesnt punish me, this is because even though i dont want it when its done i can move on instead of dewelling on the fact that He might be still annoyed with me, it stops the guilt ( i should be a catholic). In my defence though its not easy to not get stressed when its something thats making me really nervous and im getting anxious about and in this case its the needles, specifically needles in the nipples its scaring the hell out of me so i react in a defensive way because im scared.

Sometimes not often i feel like no matter how hard i try its never enough and with the needles i really feel this way, it was a big thing for me to ask for them before and now i wish i hadnt because im dreading it and i cant go back now. Its hard not to really go off on one and im actually really impressed with myself that i havent because i feel like it, for fucks sake sometimes i wander if He will only be really happy when im a quivering nervous wreck, a pin cushion for fucks sake thats what He said well that really puts me at ease, bastard.

but yes i do love you though

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

to restrict or not to restrict.....speech and behaviour that is

It occurred to me today after talking with Him that i do like to try and have the last word to the point i get almost argumentative, we was talking about needles and He stated about them going in my nipples to which i protested and further so when He said about putting them in deeper next time, so it usually ends up with me getting agitated and i can tell by the tone of His voice that im going too far. Being as im quite an outspoken person i do find it a struggle at times to bite my tongue and be quiet, i can do it but on occassions my mouth gets the better of me and i have sometimes answered Him back quite sharply especially if im not overly amused at something He has said.

It does niggle me that i do this because the will is there to change the way i behave and respond, i was so determined before we met up last time that i wouldnt try to resist Him physically or verbally but i did a few times, its not easy even though i know if i do its pointless because He will do what He wants regardless and if anything i just make it worse for myself. Its like taking a beating without being restrained, being able to hold the position when sometimes all i want to do is get away but i know He will just make me get back in place. So i wandered how to go about changing the way i behave and think and its the way i think that ultimatley changes my behaviour and i was browsing the net and i found a weboard that was relevant to the dificulties i have.

Im not that interested in speech restrictions (for obvious reasons, i talk too much sometimes) or high protocol which seems most prevailant in gorean lifestyles however on reading about these in detail i can see how they can be effective when used on occassions. In regards to speech restrictions i have always found it quite amusing when reading something that is written by a sub/slave and they talk in the third person "this slave likes....." instead of "i like......" for example. i find it pointless. The slave on the web-board suggested that by removing words that refer to the ego ie. me, i, my the slave is then forced to think carefully about how she phrases and replies to her Master, and i have to be honest its not an easy feat i thought over the conversation i had with Him and blimey i can see how it dramatically would change my responses. I realised even more so that i do walk on a thin line when i talk to Him sometimes as i did yesterday i use a lot of "i dont want needles in my nipples", " i dont want the needles in deeper", "i dont like that idea", "i dont think so" and its not about what i want/like/prefer ultimatley its what He wants/likes/prefers and thats the point.


I wouldnt want this method of speech restriction enforced all the time, but as a tool to focus the mind i can see its usefulness, as it is i dont have any speech restrictions (apart from being respectful at all times, but this i would have thought was obvious) and if i did i have no doubt i would find it difficult depending on what the requirement was.


Then there's protocol, again its something that i can see the appeal of but it depends on the level it can be very restrictive, but i think the main benefit of having certain protocols enforced they form a pattern of behavior and therefore lessen the chances of unwanted and unpredictable behaviour. Where i find it appealing is it centres the mind on what i am and therefore the expectations of how i should behave, for example when we met up with Malcolm and Ali all very informal which is fine but when we went back to their home i automatically sat next to Him on the sofa, wheras if i had kneeled beside Him at His feet i would have been more grounded in my place (does that make sense?). Its a subtle way of expressing the dynamic, a reminder and the reassurance if you will of exactly who is in control, and it works when we was at ******* intially after the blindfold was removed i sat in a chair opposite the room from Him and i wasnt remotely comfortable with the situation wheras later when i went to sit next to Him on the sofa He motioned for me to kneel at His feet and i was content it instantanously focused me, and my demeanour reflected that.

Sunday, 21 October 2007

pushing myself

Got a bloody cold again and in general feel a bit crappy but i think its because i have taken on too much in "vanilla" life and its getting on top of me, but nevertheless im confident it will be fine. Besides got other issues to think about, like whips for example im not really sure how i feel about them i have only limited experience with them and none at all with the single tail, see the thing is i love the marks that they leave but its the pain of getting them that is a bit distracting and im scared that i wont be able to cope with it, yet i get off on the fear....i know im wierd like that. I think pride is a problem with me i dont like being beaten (no pun intended) and feel a failure if i im not able to handle or cope with something, i dont like giving in and this is probably why im so anti-safewords and also why i like/need to be pushed.



I wouldnt say i was competitive i dont give a toss about what someone else is capable of and i try very hard not to compare myself with other subs/slaves, however i think i do have a streak in me that would impel me to endure something simply because i wouldnt want to be outdone. I first realised this when we met up with Malcolm and Alison there was a moment when Master caned me and it hurt but in an enjoyable way and afterwards Malcolm caned Alison and i had this urge to ask Him to cane me again but harder. Because whilst watching i was amused at Malcolm being so impressed and proud with his fancy cane strokes (criss-cross patterns) and i was biting my tongue because it was so tempting to say "thats nice but this a caning......", it surprised me because if put in a predicment of being caned alongside Alison if she took 20 i would want 21 and so on (no Sir im not suggesting anything).

Im discovering that as i become more confident in my abilities or what i can handle even with things im not particularly keen on i have a persistant need to push myself further and i still have a way to go but i do believe i am getting there slowly but surely.

Friday, 19 October 2007

one day i will THINK about the consequences of my actions

I like the site http://www.paingate.com/ it has lots of videos of women being whipped with a variety of different whips, im pretty sure it was one of the first sites i found a few years back and i found it appealing back then although at that time i never thought for one moment that it would be something i would actually like to endure, far too heavy. Although they still scare me i can look at them now and find myself wanting to experience it because im confident enough now to admit that i am a masochist so the pain aspect obviously appeals but i think more so because i know it would please Him a lot to be able to whip me to that extreme.



We talked about being whipped heavily yesterday and this morning and i masturbated at His instruction and the orgasm was really good (but then they all tend to be lately), after speaking with Him this morning i came home and i tend to after masturbating be on a sexual high and with the talk of whippings i went back onto the site to look again at the clips. I was wet as usual and at first i just wanted to touch myself to see how wet i was and it just felt so warm and nice i played with myself avoiding the clit, my theory was as long as i didnt actually cum i was justified in doing so although i did consider He probably wouldnt see it this way i was also pretty sure i had a good defence.



The thing is at the time i tend to rationalize what im doing and convince myself its ok, however when He phoned a little while later and the subject came up and i admitted that i had watched the clips i knew immediatley from the way He was questioning (no interrogating is more appropriate) my actions that the outcome wasnt going to bode well for me. I start off being reasonably confident that i can jutify my actions but its the damn questions He asks and i cant argue with Him for obvious reasons and more so because what He says is usually right so i couldnt disagree and well what seemed a good idea at the time and enjoyable just isnt worth it anymore.



I had a pretty good idea He would make me use the butt plug as a punishment simply because He knows i detest the damn thing, and what do i go and do open my big mouth and protest when He said 6 pumps so 6 then becomes 7 and i find it painful enough at 4. How anybody can find them enjoyable is unbelievable as far as im concerned, its a completely different pain from anything else i have tried even the whip can be enjoyable but not the butt plug there is no pleasure in the pain at all. Now where i really fucked up was is in my ability not to keep my thoughts to myself He asked me if i was wet now of course i was bloody wet im nearly always wet unless its Malcolm (bless him) and i muttered something along the lines of "what does that matter". Naturally this didnt go down well with Him so in went the bloody butt plug again at this point my ass is really throbbing from just having taken it out so it was even worse this time in fact i think if i had a safeword i would have been inclined to use it so yep it really hurt.

I was trying to listen to what He was saying but i have to be honest i wasnt really taking it all in i mean for gods sake i was in pain all i was listening for was Him to say i could take it out although i did take on board the threat He made if i touched myself without His permission again, i know that this is definitley the worst punishment and pain in general i have had so its not something i have a wish to have a repeat performance of so no i wont be touching myself again without consent.

I know i deserved it even though i may not think that at the time on reflection afterwards i can understand that it was justified and i think the difference with this punishment compared to the others i have had this one hurt the most so its therefore more effective as i really cant see myself touching myself again, whereas the other punishments i have had i could handle so as a deterrent to change my behaviour were not really effective. My ass is still throbbing and not in a nice way and its been a good few hours, although im always sorry at the time well of course i am i want the pain to stop its only afterwards that i am genuinely sorry.

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

getting my own way?

Whilst talking with Him today references was made about me not having everything my own way and i didnt think i did always get my own way, although i do have to on reflection admit yes of course im happy when things go the way i like or should i say im enjoying whatever He is doing to me. I do i guess in a way try (note try)to manipulate Him into doing what i like but in my defence i dont think i do it intentionally umm ok apart from when we met up last i was determined i was going to get to suck His cock before He punished me and it went the way i wanted it to well ok not exactly the way i wanted it to i was hoping to talk Him out of using the whip but figured it was best not to push my luck at the time.

I remember a few days ago Him saying that with all that has happened since the weekend we met (the negative things) He wouldnt be anymore easier on me because of what happened and it actually never occurred to me that He would anyway and i wouldnt want Him to be. Of course when He is being cruel in a way i like thats a bonus and naturally im happy but then there are times He can be cruel and sadistic in ways i hate and when He is in one of those moods i dont think anything i say or do will sway Him from what He wants so no i dont think i get my own way because if it wasnt going the way He wanted it simply wouldnt happen.

bits and pieces

Have got a date fixed to meet again with Master so im focusing on that now, its possible we may meet up with Malcolm and Alison again and im not sure really how i feel about that, i liked them and am happy to do so but because i know December is ruled out for me for meeting Him so therefore its likely to be January i want Him to myself as it will be a while until we meet up again.

The advantage to meeting them is noise isnt so much of a problem however even in the hotels i dont really worry about that as much as i think He does, my theory is we dont have to go back there again and its not like they know us so i couldnt care less. I would like to try a harder caning im curious to see how much i can handle i think when He caned me as a punishment because i had gotten it into my head that it was going to be really bad when i was actually caned it wasnt that awful in fact it was umm quite nice (probably will come to regret this admittance). Its certainly still my favourite implement and i want to try all the possible different types of canes there are available, i have my eye on a fibre glass one that is meant to be very painful even when used lightly and well i like to put these theories to the test.

I would like to alter our profiles and update it and i would definitley like the comment "she particularly enjoys anal play" removed, i dont enjoy it, i hate it, i dont like having things up my ass apart from His cock. I have asked to have it removed but He wont allow it, i should just have removed it myself as i dont think He actually looks at our profile but i cant now because He knows i want it removed. The strange thing is i thought i would like anal play (as i do enjoy anal sex a lot) but i dont at all in fact i would be very happy if i never had anything up my ass again, and as for the inflatable butt plug it is just so tempting to put lots of pinpricks in it but i dont think He would see the funny side if i did and believe me i have really thought about it and weighed up the consequences of doing so.

Friday, 12 October 2007

safeword

Im away tomorrow until Monday and will be difficult to stay in contact with Master but then weekends are usually harder, i miss Him the most when im not able to communicate when i feel i need to or want to.

This blog is now private which in a way makes it easier to talk about things which i wouldnt feel comfortable mentioning in a public domain, even if i dont know who is reading it, at least i cant offend anyone now.

After everything that has happened since the weekend so much has been centered on the negative aspects and the subsequent problems and to top it off today i upset Him that im determined to draw a line under it all, i want to focus on the positive aspects of the weekend and after this blog i have no intention of mentioning the it again its over, i wont let it consume me.

The issue of having a safeword came up between myself and Master today, i dont have one im not sure what prompted Him to bring it up i wander if it was the email that ****** sent Him. At no point do i think i have ever felt that i needed to use one (if i did have one) when on our own, im confident in His abilities, i think what disturbed me in the email was the fact that it was implied by not having one i would appear to have more control as i could choose to overact to get an activity to stop (this is the way i interpreted it).

I have thought about this quite a bit, and the conclusion i have come to is that IF i was to have a safeword reinstated i cant see any benefits in what way would it enhance our relationship as far as i can see it wouldnt. Wheras by not having one im not holding anything back from Him i dont need to worry about how far He will go because its out of my hands its His choice to determine and with that decision comes great responsibility, i dont want the responsiblity of deciding how much pain i can take i trust Him to handle it and thats what it comes down to trust.

A prime example that confirmed to me that i wouldnt want one is on the Saturday night on getting back to the hotel, He flogged me hard it hurt a lot and then used the belt and as said before i really struggle to cope with the belt and sure enough after a few strokes i was begging Him to stop and He did, yes i wanted it to stop of course i did it was bloody hurting however if He had insisted on making me take more i would and could have done so, He chose not to and that was His choice not mine and isnt that how its supposed to be?

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

reflections

Looking back over the weekend i can honestly say that as a whole i enjoyed it, even with the problems on Saturday night i can draw from it some lessons and it was a learning curve albeit not the most positive one. Saturday night certainly highlighted areas in which we need to address and have done so and also areas in which i need to learn from and handle differentley.

I think the hardest lesson for me was accepting that i am going to have to serve other Doms whether this be sexual or indeed to use me in any manner Master allows them to, i found it hard having to obey someone else and i think it will take time to get used to it when the situation arises again.

If i could go back there are only 2 things i would have handled differently:

i would have asked to speak with Master alone after i got stressed out after the caning because if i had done i could have addressed the concerns i had and then He would of been in a better position to decide what to do and more importantly to reassure me of the concerns i had at the time, i think this would of then made a slight difference to the outcome

i would have rode the pony, i wanted to but i didnt want to give ****** that pleasure when i should have focused more on what would please Master because i knew deep down that He would have liked me to so in a way i behaved selfishly (sorry Sir)

What we later discovered about ****** and his behaviour has really unsettled me, for a while and maybe still even now he has made me doubt myself and i hate him for getting inside my head when i was confident in my abilities. Im sensitive to how im perceived by others and defensive over my status as His slave and when in conversation with ***** and ****** they implied that my behaviour and subsequent reactions are not how a slave should behave.

If anything this whole fucking mess has brought us closer, i admit the whole situation has affected me but not to the point that it has given me doubts about us but its going to be a while before i get over it completley, it has made me have reservations about meeting other couples but this i feel i will get over as i had no problems with the couple on Friday night and would gladly meet with them again.

saturday night and needles

On the way back to the hotel we stopped off at a pub for dinner and we was both very aroused and He told me that on getting back to the hotel later He was going to hurt me some more and harder i wanted this and in a strange way i needed it. Master asked me to change into basque and knicker set that i had bought whilst He collected the kit from the car, i was not as nervous as i thought i would be as i knew that He was going to use the needles and i was actually keen to try them, mostly i think because i know how much He enjoys them and i did feel that i had maybe let Him down a little earlier and wanted to make it up to Him.

He bent me over the chair and told me that He was going to flog me very hard and He did straight from the offset and it hurt and i was gripping on to the chair i wanted to endure as much as i could, was getting more harder to bear when He aimed between my legs. It was ok until He started using the belt for some reason i really have trouble with the belt i just cant seem to handle it very well and it wasnt long before i was squirming and begging Him to stop. Of course as usual i was wet and well time for the needles, He sat me on a chair with Him sitting opposite i was blindfolded i didnt think i could handle watching them go in and at this point i was nervous and my hands were behind my back gripping onto the chair. The first needle as it went in was not what i expected much like a pinch on the skin and i was comfortable with it, the second a little more intense and i was apprehensive, He put 2 in each breasts above the nipple and then removed the blindfold. What struck me was it felt like they had gone in underneath the nipple but hadnt, they didnt really do much for me seeing them but when He removed them and there was a little blood that i found arousing a great deal.

I was pleased with myself it was something that i had always said was a no-no and the only reason i didnt have needles as a hard limit was because i knew that He really liked them and i wanted maybe oneday to be ready to try them i just didnt expect it to be this soon and to like it as much as i did. Needless to say with us both horny we retired to bed for a deliciously naughty session and im not going to go into details somethings are best left unsaid (and im lost in yummy memories) god why is He never contactable when i need to cum like now.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

the surprise!!! not a good one

We lazed in bed for a while well not just lazing, i knew Master had something planned and he wouldnt tell me anything and i was getting frustrated as im not really a fan of surprises.   I had lots of different ideas running through my head and noted what bits and pieces he was taking with him, when i realised he was taking a damn lot, i became suspicious as i thought that meant it had to be somewhere really private ie. indoors so i deduced that it was likely someones home.

We stopped off for breakfast and after getting back in the car thats when curiosity started to get the better of me and i began asking questions, he was relatively patient at first and then i think i must have started to annoy him because he said if i asked anymore i would get 10 lashes of the whip so that shut me up well for a while. i realised that as it was a relatively long journey i concluded that we must be going to someone and i became sure that it was to ******'s place and i made the mistake of asking a question to try and confirm my suspicions and all i got in reply was the promise of the whip later..shit!! when will i learn to shut my mouth.

However my suspicions was confirmed when Master blindfolded me after a while, i admit i was nervous and slightly pissed off, i had just had my first time playing with a couple the night before, and he was putting me through it again! so when the car parked up and i was led into the house i wasnt in the best frame of minds to begin with. I hate surprises....even if there good ones, i dont like it.





I did find it amusing at the pretence of inventing an imaginary dom when i knew it was going to be ***** and when i was put on to my knees between her legs i knew what was expected so no surprises there. I recall ****** asking me if i knew where i was and i just said "hello *****", when the blindfolded was removed i sat down and i was aware of how nervous i really was and quite uneasy i didnt know what was expected of me and i wasnt prepared for the situation.

We chatted for a while and then i was led into the bedroom and secured standing in a legs and arms spread position, not quite suspended as feet were on a plank of wood, at this point i had calmed a little so wasnt scared, nervous yes. Master and ****** started lightly hitting me with canes and it wasnt very painful and at first i was enjoying it, i cant exactly pinpoint when it started going wrong but i just got this intense need to be left alone and for it to stop and i remember swearing at Master and begging him to stop.

I wasnt just scared i was terrified and panicking, Master called a halt to it, he was trying to calm me down but i just wanted out and away from all of them, but most of all at that point i didnt feel safe.

We then all went back into the lounge and i was on the sofa cuddled up to Master and i was so tired mentally as well as physically i remember clinging onto him because i was still scared and i didnt want to be put through any more with anyone else, i havent ever felt as vunerable as i did at that moment.

Master and ****** talked for a while and i was struggling to stay awake i cant recall exact sequence of events but i recall Master instructing me onto my hands and knees for a flogging and that was really great and i  did get an orgasm from it and i was beginning to relax. Then i was put between *****'s legs again whilst being flogged and it actually made it more bearable and i was asking for more and harder and came twice, i found the pain reassuring and therefore i was more at ease. ****** asked me if i really wanted to ride the pony and i looked to Master for an instruction on whether he wanted me to or not, i didnt want to but if he had wanted me to then i would have obviously but he said it was up to me so i declined....besides rode the wooden pony the previous night.

At one point i was lying on the floor i think it was not long after the flogging and ****** challenging me if i could stay quiet until spoken to which i didnt think would be a problem, Master left the room and i was doing fine until i heard the whip which he obviously had gone to get and i swore before i even saw it (god the sound of it is enough to get a reaction) and when he came into the room with it i instinctively started protesting and moving away.

He tricked me and i walked right into it. ***** (bitch) was instructed to beat me with the cane and i wasnt exactly thrilled at this prospect although i suspect she was, i felt very concious of the fact it was 3 on 1 and i felt like i was being bullied with no way of defending myself together.

I didnt like that her dom was dictating the caning, he said to her "harder" after each stroke, and it was too much, i couldnt handle it, and i safe worded, and i was mad, so angry that instead of recognising that me safe wording was a cry for help, Master had me take a few more, i resent him for that...i was being pushed too much, too fast.

A little while later Master used the whip on me lightly and it was nice, very nice and i started to see it in a different light and realised it can be very enjoyable and not just an implement of nasty pain.

All in all i learnt a lot from the whole experience i think we both did in different ways,  Master and i talked obviously about how it went and he apologised as in hindsight i wasnt ready, it was as i said just too much for me all to handle in a short time, although this is something that we can learn from



Sunday, 7 October 2007

friday mmm

Well the weekend is over, in fact have not long got home and am still on a high, tired, sore and with a well bruised ass and marked breasts so definitley a great weekend in that respect. A lot to get my head round and i want to document the weekend here because it was a weekend of firsts for me and i want to look back and reflect on it as some of it in hindsight i wish i had handled or coped with differently.


I certainly am going to ask to be picked up from the station in future if we go to Bristol again, i really was not confident there, it was a big city and i felt out of place although i did manage to find Ann Summers and Boots and then i just found a spot to sit in and wait until He arrived because i just wanted to get away from there as quickly as possible. I wasnt nervous at all just really looking forward to seeing Him although yes it was in the back of my mind that i had the punishment coming but aside from that i just wanted to get to the hotel and do lots of deliciously naughty things.


The hotel was lovely and had a funny moment when we was given wrong key and walked into someone elses room who thankfully were not in the room at the time, i admit i was anxious to get into our room i just wanted to get to His cock and i think i can say the feeling was mutual, not because i wanted to avoid the punishment i knew i had to face it but well it wouldnt hurt to delay it a little while. I dont see it that i got my own way because it was just delaying the inevitable and He did whack me with the crop whilst i was sucking His cock yep i was a very happy slave at that point. I cant seem to recall the exact sequence of events i think we had a cup of tea and was lying on the bed talking and i remember Him saying it was time for the punishment and then i was nervous, the caning hurt but ooh god not sure if its wise to admit but not as bad as i expected.



The whip on the otherhand i bloody hate it (athough it can i found out later be very nice when used lightly) i was made to kneel and i knew it was going to be painful and in a way i didnt like, so it is definitley effective as i really didnt enjoy any aspect of it at all, i remember trying to get away but He yanked my hair back to keep me in position and the threat of more kept me in place. I went to go for a shower afterwards and Master entered and i knew He was going to piss on me and i would be expected to drink some, i love being peed on i enjoy the humiliation of it but i struggle with drinking but i did make the effort to take His cock into my mouth and drink some not a lot and that was a big step for me because i really dont like it. After the shower i was starting to get a little anxious as we was setting off to meet the couple and i was really on edge even though He had assurred me i would be fine i just wasnt excited at the prospect at all.



We found the pub and we had got there first and i was just on edge waiting for them to arrive and He spotted them first and they was instantly friendly and genuine, i think i had got myself so worked up i didnt anticipate them being so well ordinary. I immediatley felt at ease which definitley helped and i genuinley enjoyed their company as we talked over dinner, and we talked about a range of subjects before getting to the nitty gritty as i call it and i wasnt in the least bit nervous at that point. I did smile to myself when Malcolm said would we like to go back to their place for coffee it just made me think how going back for coffee is a common analogy for sex well not just sex in this case, and i was further amused when Master said yes and then asked me if i would like to i wandered what His reaction would have been if i had said no although i knew that wasnt an option at all.



Hmm now the first thing i noticed was the spanking/whipping bench and the implements laid out on a table and i was still feeling calm although naturally nervous expecially when He told me to remove my clothes and proceeded to attach wrist and ankle restraints, i was hoping that i would get some pain before going any further and yes i admit i wanted to get over the bench so was thrilled when He positioned me over it. He then started to flog me all over and i loved it apparentley too much as He started making it harder and i still loved it and managed to orgasm on the pain alone i didnt want it to stop, and whilst i was being flogged Alison was riding the pony which i could see from the position was in and could hear her cries/screams of pain/pleasure and that aroused me as well.

I cant seem to place the exact sequence of events i know Master removed me from the bench and Malcolm asked me to feel how wet Alison was whilst she was on the pony and i just thought "oh god here we go" and she was wet and i remember thinking i just wanted to get my hand away and after a bit moved until Master told me to lick her breasts and i really didnt want to at this point i was on edge but i did it well its not like i had a choice in the matter, and it was ok i could handle that i was just thinking of what i was going to have to do later.

I then got my turn on the pony and intially i liked it even when the wood pressed into my pussy i found it stimulating it was just the balancing i found difficult and trying to maintain a steady movement but overall i liked it, whilst i was on it Malcolm i think started teasing me and i was desperate to climax and i could hear Master flogging Alison and the more she was moaning the more i wanted to cum. I cant remember how long i was on it for but i recall eventually begging to be let off and at first was refused although i did get the orgasm i needed and then was allowed off. Ahh then Alison came over whilst i was sitting on bench and i was still blindfolded but i admit i enjoyed her attention having her lick and caress my nipples i was a little apprehensive when she started to move down to my pussy but by then i was away with the fairies so any nerves had gone and i really enjoyed it and climaxed very quickly.

The violet wand next and i really enjoyed that it was very stimulating although i imagine could be very painful if on high definitley something i want to explore more of, anyway then the time arrived Master had me kneel between Alisons legs and i was not looking forward to this one bit, i didnt like it and avoided sticking my tongue into her pussy instead focused on licking her clit i just wanted her to cum as quickly as possible to get it over and done with, yes i was wet but then thats not unusual given the situation i was in, i was on a high from the whole experience. When she did cum ooh i just dont like the taste i avoided having to lick her clean and moved away as soon as i thought i could feasibly get away with it. I was then caned for coming without permission and Master used one of Malcolms canes which was umm very nice and i found myself laughing something i havent done before as i remember now as i write that i laughed during the flogging earlier the more it hurt the more i laughed i was just revelling in the pain and surprised myself how much i enjoyed being beaten by Him in front of others something i was unsure of the prospect of before.

Afterwards i climbed up onto the sofa to cuddle with Master and He was aroused and Alison came accross and started to rub His cock and well i knew that the same was expected of me with Malcolm so i moved accross to Him and proceeded to suck His cock. He moved me onto the floor so we was in effect in a 69 position, what was notable was that i had dried up and was not in the least aroused something of a first for me but no disrespect towards Malcolm but he just didnt do anything for me sexually at all. However what did surprise me was i was getting aroused through listening to Master and Alison as i wasnt sure at all before how i would feel about Him being with another women but it turned me on and i would have preferred to have been able to watch them and as i was listening i proceeded to masturbate and bring myself off whilst attending to Malcolm which i admit was somewhat of a chore, it was a relief when he did cum because i wasnt enjoying it.

So all in all it was a very enjoyable experience and i cant really pinpoint what i enjoyed the most in fact would be easier to say what i didnt which was going down on Alison (uch just dont like the taste) however i concede and admit that i would have rather had to do that again than suck Malcolm. It made me realise a lot about myself that i was unsure of and i would say that most notably was the fact that i really got off on Master hurting another women and watching Him sexually with another women, it appealed to the voyeurer in me something i didnt realise was there in the first place.

well thats it for now so much to put down and i want to write it down whilst its all fresh in my mind but it was definitley a packed weekend.