I dwell on things and over analyze issues to the point that they consume me and i cant sleep until i have reached a conclusion and put my mind at rest. Today was one of those days, vanilla issues with my bloody mother which put me in a foul mood so when i got online to talk to Him i wasnt in the right frame of mind. My son has an elasticated Homer Simpson toy that has very stretchy arms and legs that can be pulled to quite a length, i feel like that toy stretched in all directions.
Im trying to piece together what happened and why i reacted the way i did and its bugging me usually once i have been punished i can move on but i cant this time, i dont see it as being resolved and it cant be resolved because i dont want to talk about it and i dont want to talk about it because that would mean voicing my opinion something which appears is only permitted when its one He agrees with. I shouldnt have said what i did, i should have phrased it better, i know my biggest fault is mouthing off before thinking and i cant take it back so the only solution is not to express my thoughts verbally. But then the flaw with that theory is there would be a breakdown of communication something i dont want to happen especially after the shitari episode but i feel im in a no-win situation, im damned if i do and im damned if i dont.
I dont really understand why i was punished, i know i deserved to be punished but i dont know specifically why, was i punished because i voiced an opinion? because of what i said? of how i said it? because i didnt agree with something?......and i was scared of Him i would have said anything He wanted to hear rather than risk saying/doing the wrong thing, and i dont like feeling this way and i dont know what to do make it right again.
Im worried about my damn ass it wont stop bleeding and that hasnt happened before, it scared the hell out of me there was blood everywhere all over the plug, the sheets down my legs and i dont know if thats normal or not. Its better than what it was but its still spotting i went for a bath and it started flowing again, if it hasnt stopped by tomorrow lunchtime i better go doctors because its really sore a lot more than usual.
I just want this day to be over and start afresh hopefully tomorrow will be a better day it sure as hell cant be as bad as today, i feel very insecure and i want to be stronger but im scared of just fucking up again, and the worst of it is even when i do have my moments the bottom line is i would do anything He wanted if i liked it or not and He knows that. I cant help the way i feel and im confused to whether i should have feelings or not, or if i should express them..fuck it im confused altogether, i need a brandy.