Got a bloody cold again and in general feel a bit crappy but i think its because i have taken on too much in "vanilla" life and its getting on top of me, but nevertheless im confident it will be fine. Besides got other issues to think about, like whips for example im not really sure how i feel about them i have only limited experience with them and none at all with the single tail, see the thing is i love the marks that they leave but its the pain of getting them that is a bit distracting and im scared that i wont be able to cope with it, yet i get off on the fear....i know im wierd like that. I think pride is a problem with me i dont like being beaten (no pun intended) and feel a failure if i im not able to handle or cope with something, i dont like giving in and this is probably why im so anti-safewords and also why i like/need to be pushed.
I wouldnt say i was competitive i dont give a toss about what someone else is capable of and i try very hard not to compare myself with other subs/slaves, however i think i do have a streak in me that would impel me to endure something simply because i wouldnt want to be outdone. I first realised this when we met up with Malcolm and Alison there was a moment when Master caned me and it hurt but in an enjoyable way and afterwards Malcolm caned Alison and i had this urge to ask Him to cane me again but harder. Because whilst watching i was amused at Malcolm being so impressed and proud with his fancy cane strokes (criss-cross patterns) and i was biting my tongue because it was so tempting to say "thats nice but this a caning......", it surprised me because if put in a predicment of being caned alongside Alison if she took 20 i would want 21 and so on (no Sir im not suggesting anything).
Im discovering that as i become more confident in my abilities or what i can handle even with things im not particularly keen on i have a persistant need to push myself further and i still have a way to go but i do believe i am getting there slowly but surely.