Friday, 27 July 2012

Just white!

Im decortating my daughters bedroom, so we got up early and went to the local hardware store to buy paint, white paint to cover and to use as the base...easy you would think? no..oh no..walked in the store went straight to the paint department and was confronted by a saleswoman who like they do asked if i needed help....nope thanks just getting some white paint.

It went downhill from there "oh lovely we have a wide range of shades of white" she exclaimed all happy and jolly, what! i dont want shades, just plain boring white, its 8.25 in the morning i have had one coffee and really im sorry but im not a morning person and i sure as hell cant do happy jolly people..just 2 tins of white paint that is all i want.

But i like to think im not rude, so i smiled and replied thats nice but just white thanks, she followed me and i got a lovely description of her white with a hint of mint kitchen and how refreshing and clean it looks..lovely, thats just wanderful.  Would i like white with a hint of blueberry..perfect for a bathroom apparently, or almond white nice and warm and cosy for the lounge, linnet white makes small rooms look bigger, but i just want WHITE....oh ffs and i cant be rude she looks old enough to be my gran so im standing there smiling like a moron....oh and guess whats sitting next to the desk as i type...

2 goddam bloody tins of white paint with a hint of rose.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

What are you?

There have been times in our relationship and no doubt there will be more where i get antsy, conflicted and question my submission, mostly this is when its something he knows i dont like and i dont want to do it, it leads to him asking a question that is always the same.

Master: "What are you?"

I know the answer he wants, and it infuriates me because it gives no leeway, no room for argument, "you wanted this" he will say, "you knew what I expected" oh and not forgetting "have you changed your mind?" the answer he wants and will get is "im your slave".

See with Master he is very sure of what he wants and what he doesnt want, what behaviour he expects and there is no negotiating, a "no" is not acceptable to whatever he asks of me, and damn sometimes i get in a hissy fit trying to get him to be reasonable, to see things from my perspective, its pointless absolutley a complete waste of my time and effort...and it takes a lot of effort throwing a hissy fit!

It always come back around to "What are you?" sometimes i will avoid the answer he wants and reply with "a person with thoughts and feelings" but of course he has an answer for that, he always does, but this isnt about thoughts and feelings its about his expectations of a slave and i agreed to this, yes i wanted this and no i havent changed my mind.

Its difficult.  Its not kink in the bedroom and then back to normal in the morning (not that im saying there is anything wrong with that), its not all kink 24/7 either, i work, children etc but his ownership of me is like an invisible shadow that follows me constantly, there is no shaking it off, it effects decisions i make, how i behave, what i think and how i subsequently act.

A friend once said to me when i was moaning about his demands "slavery isnt like pick n mix candy at the movies, you dont choose what you want and leave alone what you dont" I laughed and did think it was a bit pretentious but the further down this journey i go i realise how apt it is.

I was prepared or i thought i was prepared for what this would be like, when i agreed to enslavement we talked it through, he made clear his thoughts on what a slave is to him and it was oh so exciting i dont think i looked beyond the kink aspect.  I am his slave, i have recently been having conflicts with being called a slave and i cant really say im still 100% comfortable with it, but im also realising that it doesnt matter how i interpret slavery because its not for to decide what a slave is...its what he expects.

So yea when he asks "what are you?" i reply that im his slave, and thats enough most of the time to remind me of all that i have agreed to and i do want this, i need this.

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Slowly, slowly catches monkey

One of the most important characteristics and weapon (yes really) a dominant can have is patience, to let the submissive come to him rather than pushing for compliance or to insist she will do a specific act knowing that she will most likely comply because she wants to please him.

Practising being patient requires the dominant to know his submissive and the most effective way he can know his submissive is through communication, listening to her, talking to her, understanding her trains of thought, what triggers turn her on..and off.  Taking notice of how she responds to what you say, does it excite, intrigue or scare her?  The difference between saying something in general conversation to having her tied up and whispering in her ear what you would like to do to her..asking would she like that? if she says yes having the patience to not do leave her wanting it....the subtle differences in how and when something is suggested can have different results.

It is similar to planting a seed, having the patience to wait for that seed to grow and to eventually bloom, it cant be rushed, of course you could always just go out and buy the plant but isnt it more satisfying knowing you have cultivated it yourself?  The same applies to a dominant being patient, he could use force to get the submissive to do as he wants and sure there are times when that is hot in its own right, but there are times its more satisfying to see the submissive grow and flourish and to ask to be pushed because she is ready and wants to be.

Now patience as a weapon.  A submissive needs and desires to please her dominant, she is often her own worst enemy and critic wanting to do all of the myraid of things her dominant enjoys but yet with somethings there is that uncertainty and reluctance .

Im very much at the point that wanting to please him over-rides my discomfort of things and im going to make the bold statement of saying that he knows i will do whatever he wants, so he uses this to his advantage.  He plants the seed in my head, and patiently sits back and waits for it to me submitting to a woman for example, i know this would please him as he has said as much he also knows im reluctant to..but i want to please him, so slowly im coming around, im thinking about it, i talk myself out of it.  He says nothing, he doesnt need to say or do anything but patiently wait for me to take the bait, to let my curiosity grow and i will ask to do it because it pleases him.

Of course he doesnt need to be patient, he could set it up and i will obey but sometimes playing the game of patience is more rewarding in the long term.  I think there are a lot of factors that have got me where i am now, natural growth, being pushed but i think his patience plays a large part, waiting and watching me bloom under his guidence.

Its pmt....thats my excuse and im sticking to it.

I am or should i say we are probably not the best examples of doing things the right or rather the commonly advised way, like the common advice for first meeting as well as others

1) have a safe call in place on first meeting....nope i didnt

2) dont 'play' on first meet..yep we did ..i know what a harlot!

3) dont 'play' under the influence of alcohol or drugs (not hard drugs)..yep we have and occassionally still do to both...albeit not heavy play ie bondage or edge play

This is me (us) i am not suggesting these guidelines are not followed..what im saying is they are just that..guidelines..not set in stone rules that should be followed at all costs.

My personal pet hates is bold statements outlining how something should be within ttwd and if your not that way well your clearly not submissive or dominant are you?, i have been here before and yes dammit im going there again......THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY yes im shouting.

Now im going back to my cage in the cellar to drink from my water bowl..coz obviously being a slave thats the way it is...yes thats sarcasm!

Monday, 23 July 2012

Pondering submitting to a women

We were talking to a female pro-dom (Mrs A) the other day and she really is a lovely lady and as well as being a pro she is also dominant in her personal life and her partner is a male sub.  The conversation turned to talking about natural subs and doms and our natural behaviours and instincts, she stated as an example that if the bossman was to attempt to dominate her it would make her defensive and if she did agree to submit it would be as roleplaying she wouldnt have any inner submissive feelings it would simply be robotic and would do nothing for her as she is not naturally submissive.  Whereas for me it comes naturally she stated!!! really thats news to me.

Im not sure that i like the term natural going to ponder on that..a blog post of its own i think.

I have to add as a sidenote here that this scenario she mentioned got me turned on, i would love to watch him dominate a dominant woman and i think (i shall have to ask him) it would appeal to him, i know he has said before that he has found it satisfying and arousing to dominate a strong willed woman, one that isnt naturally guessing its the challenge?

Over the years we have spoken about me dominating another femsub and its never appealed to me, i just couldnt see myself doing it, i could try but i think its more than likely i would find it hilariously funny, he also would like to see me submit to a femdom and i have always been dead against that as well.  I think i would be the same as what Mrs A said about herself submitting to a dominant, i would be going through the motions of submitting but it would be roleplay rather than me actively being submissive, it wouldnt be natural to me, it holds no appeal.

But im thinking about it, submitting for a set period of time to a femdom that is, the bossman says it would be a very different experience for me and he thinks i would enjoy it so im curious and this is new for me i have always been adamant that its something i really dont want to do, im wandering about the differences between submitting to him and submitting to a women for a scene, how would it feel etc

I think a large part of my problem is that i have spent years being adamant that i wouldnt like it so i have convinced myself i dont like it and i would be determined not to enjoy it, he knows i do this mostly when its things that im too scared to admit appeal to me, im wary of being taken out my comfort zone of knowing what i like and dont..and bar one occassion when i have been pushed out of my comfort zone at his insisence i have enjoyed it...and he had said i would, so perhaps i just need to let go that bit more.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Take my breath away...with the cane

I like to be hooded sometimes when we engage in s/m and he has this really cool rubber full head hood which just has two thin nasal tubes for breathing through its a favourite of mine as it also works well for breath play.

Breath play is considered one of the more extreme or riskier types of play so calling it play really doesnt seem appropriate because lets face it blocking/constricting someones ability to breath is not something thats playful it has risks. 

When he had me on the spanking bench Friday ready for a caning i asked to be hooded, i find it easier to relax and reach subspace when i have to focus elsewhere and the hood does this because of just having the nasel tubes i have to concentrate on my breathing because its just the nasal tubes that provide me with air.

Now going off on a bit of a tangent which i do, having read a post regarding caning recentley i realise that the cane seems to have this element of fear attached to it and i do get that but i also think there are a lot of misconceptions about it as well.  Ok those who read my blog will most likely have picked up that im a masochist and so i sexualise pain and therefore process it differently than non-masochists.

The cane does not have to leave marks....there isnt always the tell tale stripes, its all dependent on other factors there are a variety of different canes out there and they can have different results, a caning can be very sensual if you know what your doing with it and this takes i have never wielded a cane and have no desire to..much happier being on the receiving end lol

I love the cane its my favourite implement but i dont like all types of canings, i have been cold caned (no warm up) as a punishment and it was agony, 6 strokes with a thin cane at full strength and i learnt my lesson enough so that it hasnt needed to be repeated..i really have no wish for it to be repeated.  I have been caned with a singapore punishment cane which is long approximately just over a metre and is thick about 1.20cm and love every moment of it, its a harsh cane and will leave heavy bruising and/or break the skin.

However a simple rattan cane (dragon cane) is my favourite, i prefer thick over thin and on Friday he gave me my favourite type of caning..i was allowed to choose the cane i wanted so i selected 2.  I think perhaps this is where my masochism comes into play, he started off and it hurts a lot but then i ride the pain and it becomes just a background thud the pain stops registering and i disconnect from it.  I wasnt restrained and i just laid on the bench concentrated on breathing through the tubes and quietly take the strokes the only noise being the thud of the cane and its a rhythmic caning, every stroke at the same pace...its really an amazing experience floating (subspace) and it could go on and on because its just not hurting anymore.

He pauses and grabs the nasal tubes so i cant breathe this brings me back to reality and he does this in between the cane strokes so im back feeling them now and its hurting but its a nice hurt and i cum from the mix of caning and having my breath held, when he does stop i want more but he wont give me anymore.  I wouldnt like to take a guess at how many strokes it was i did start counting in my head and got to 37 but when i hit subspace i cant was a lot.

When he stands me up im wobbly and disorientated from being in subspace so we take a break and its then i realise why he wont give me anymore..when i get up from sitting down there is blood on the sofa but yet to look at my ass at that time apart from the few welts that are bleeding its really not looking that bad...i have had worse bruisings from him using his belt or the flogger.

Its worth experimenting with, trying a variety of canes.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Going down and dirty

A friend of mine has asked me before if the bossman and i ever have normal sex? i find this amusing because really what is normal sex.....what she means is do we ever have sex without the kink aspect and the answer is no.  We have never had sex or any sex acts without added extras, it could be im bound, it could be he is controlling my breath (i love breath play), it could be pain is applied simultanously..its just well not normal..whatever normal is.

I dont talk about our sex life a lot, in fact very little because submission and dominance is much much more than sex and well i find it difficult because really i prefer the mental aspects, the power exhange and yes s/m because these are whats more important to us.

Yesterday he was sat on the sofa and i was sitting opposite him i was bit on edge because it was planned that we would have a session, i wanted it but i also wasnt really 100% in the mood not that this matters to him so i thought a bit of distraction ok translate that as delaying the inevitable was in order.  So i asked if i could suck his dick and he allowed me to..go me with the distracting technique..and then out of nowhere a whip strikes me on the back!!!where the fuck did that come from i dont recall it being within arms reach..he is lucky i have some level of self restraint he could have ended up with teeth marks on his dick hitting me like that unexpectantly.

I was only wearing a vest top so there was little protection and plenty of skin on show and well he is competent with the whip so he was getting me where he wanted and it stings but it also gets me in the mood so its win win really.  Until i go and say something stupid and he decides my tits need some attention, the thing about this particular whip it doesnt need to be applied very hard to get marks and boy does it sting and i want it to stop so new tactic needed.

I beg to lick his ass, now as much as i love sucking his dick i love licking his ass more im quite odd in that when it comes to sexual acts the more something has that "ewww..yucky" reaction the more i love it i prefer anal to vaginal sex.  He knows i love licking his ass and its something that can be used as a 'treat' or be denied as a punishment..thankfully the latter hasnt happened the threat of not being allowed to do it is enough..thats how much i love it.

There is a chair, its a queening chair but the design is great for also getting access to the ass as well as his dick and balls, so he agrees to my request (yay) and sits in the chair with me sat underneath.....oh im loving this chair!  The disadvantage to this is it leaves my legs and pussy exposed and he still has the whip so whilst im busy attending to his ass my inner thighs and pussy are getting struck with the whip....i think he has most definitely cottoned on to my attempts to distract him from hurting me yet!  I clamped my legs together and he instructed me to open up and i refused, big mistake, he told me to stop and to kneel in front of him..second mistake i continued more enthusiastically to lick his ass in a hope to appease him.

It didnt...i stopped, came out from underneath and got a rapid whipping on my back and was asked if i was going to do as i was told now? yep i can do that!  game more distractions...over the spanking bench i not sitting very comfortably at the moment but im not complaining about that, i love it.

Thursday, 19 July 2012


Back when my son first started senior school at 12 i got called in by the headteacher because of an alleged racist comment he had made, i was shocked at this because i havent raised him to be racist but im also not naive enough to think he is this perfect well behaved child all of the time either.

We live in a small village, pretty much everyone knows everyone, he has to travel via a bus to get to school and the school takes pupils from a fairly large catchement area so for a lot of children its their first experiences of mixing with a wide diversity of children, different ethnics, religions.

So the incident in question was my son had called this other boy nigger, when the headteacher told me this i was sat in his office and i think it was probably a good job i shocked me!  My son was there and i asked him why, his reasoning was that he had made friends with this boy they had a lot of classes together, had a lot in common etc.  This other boy had a friend who was also coloured and they would refer to each other as nigger so my son in the playground had said to his new mate "hey nigger, want to go play some football".

His friend whom he called this by the way took no offence, it was a teacher in the playground that heard this and called my son out on it and hence me getting the phone call.  My son had called his mate this not in the context of it being a racist slur, he assummed it was ok because his mate and the other boy called each other it, it was simply on my sons part naivety and lack of understanding.

On getting home i sat down with my son and explained to him why it was not generally seen as an acceptable term and he questioned why then it was ok for his mate to call his other mate nigger then? which i thought was a fair response, he also added how come a lot of rappers refer to themselves and others as niggers and thats ok?  To be honest that stumped me for a bit.  His mate didnt have a problem with it, he thought it was kind of funny because my son was clearly confused about why what he had said was so wrong when his mate refers to himself as it.

However i did insist that it was not a word that i liked him using and the school made it clear that it was not accceptable either for anyone and i support them in that, my boy and his mate are still friends to this day, 3 years later and still have a laugh about it.

Some words have definite meanings, some words also are open to interpretation, words can offend some people but others can see no harm, some words have numerous meanings dependent on where you live, slang terms, different cultures etc etc..i guess its what the word means to you that matters.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Being humble

Im a submissive but im not always submissive.  I strive to be, it doesnt always happen or flow naturally and when these moments happen i seek to be re-centered, having rituals help, but sometimes i really need to have that feeling of being humble. 

I get this need to be at his feet, to kneel and to worship his boots then removing his footwear and socks i can spend countless minutes worshipping his feet, kissing and licking all over, this instills a sense of humbleness, its not sexual by any means, its about demonstrating who and what i am to him, to put aside any attitude, pride and arrogance, to demonstrate to him my deference to his dominance.

Sometimes its hard to retain being humble when we live in a society that places importance on celebrities, how we look, how much money we have, what we wear, what flashy car we drive, we live in a society where nearly everything can be obtained through credit so nothing needs to be worked for if you want it enough you take a loan or credit card out....success being measured by what you own.

I can understand that in some ways i am no different, im ambitious, my job is very important to me, i like nice things..who doesnt, i like my children to have nice things probably in fact more goes on them than myself, i like nice holidays etc etc and its easy to get caught up with societies expectations and to go along with my work colleagues and my friends, to keep up an image.  Sometimes i do get carrried away and i lose sight of what matters but more importantly i lose sight of who i am and what makes me happy, i do get an attitude and full of self importance and i need him to remind me of who i am.

So i will kneel at his feet.  To be humble.

Monday, 16 July 2012

You say "cheese" i say "f**k off

ok so im needing distracting from the whole love thing.

Im not a big fan of having my photo taken and even less so when im in bondage and sufferring but the bossman has his David Bailey moments and out comes the camera...."smile"...seriously are you kidding me im hung here like a marionette, im hurting and you want to take my damn picture!..fuck off...all said in my mind of course...never a good idea when one is tied up naked and helpless in a room filled with instruments of torture to start getting cocky.

The last time he decided to take photos i had my arms suspended above me attached to the suspension point, anal hook inserted and then via the loop at the top of the hook rope was attached also to the suspension point, nipple clamps and weights on as well as the labia being clamped and weighted..but the worst was the gag it was a Jennings dental gag which keeps the mouth wide open..i hate it.

So there he is with his camera and he tells me to look at him, i dont want to, i really dont, im feeling completley humiliated in a way i dont enjoy and he is laughing at me because he knows im not a happy bunny and im not! hanging there with drool dripping down my chin because of the gag so im going to ignore him and look at the floor.

My eyes convey exactly what i am thinking, yeah you know that saying 'if looks could kill' well he would be dead and buried and he demands that i look at him so thats the look he is going to get and he chuckles as he snaps away with the damn camera.  The photos will never make it to the blog so dont even go there!

Do i love the man, or is it the control and being owned i love?

Is there a difference? does he love me or my submission?

Speaking from my own personal experience i sought out to have a relationship of this nature rather than being in an established relationship and the ttwd being brought into it so i wander of the differences between these scenarios in regards to love.  For example in an already established relationship where ttwd is explored together i should imagine that love is already present, wheras for me i didnt seek out love, i sought out a specific type of man and dynamic.

I have been in a vanilla relationship and loved and been loved it was not enough, it was not his fault but i needed to explore my submission being in that relationship did not make me happy once i became obsessed with the need to be dominated.   So to be a bit pessimistic i dont believe love conquers all and im more inclined to go with the saying  "If your in a relationship that makes you miserable more than it makes you happy, no matter how much you love them, let them go", im the first to say all relationships need to be worked at and thats true but you both have to want the same or similar things, you cant make someone be something they are not and its not fair to expect them to.

Unlike established relationships where ttwd is explored together at the same pace i joined a uk bdsm site, put up a profile which gave a rough idea of who i was and what i was looking for and what i was looking for experienced older dominant....i had one brief relationship with a man, it didnt work out and then i met the bossman, he mailed me...long story short within a few months we met up and our relationship started.

I wasnt actively seeking out a romantic entanglement, if it became part of it then so be it, im very much a what will be will be type of person, so at the very start our relationship was Dom and sub, sure we talked about vanilla stuff as we spoke online but when it was agreed that we were going to pursue further and meet up it was very much all about the dynamic which is what we both wanted.

He was what was looking for ie an experienced older dominant, why was this important to me? being a newbie i wanted someone that was confident in their abilites and most of all themselves and yes the experience of being a dominant in an M/s dynamic, as for older well thats my personal preference, i prefer the older man.  Does all this make it easier than exploring it all new together? i dont think so, i dont think anyway is easier or better, different yes, both having advantages and disadvantages.

This is going to have to be 2 posts as i havent even touched on the actual subject of the post title..blame kitty the submissive wife she got me thinking on this.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Love is similar to a fart..if you have to force it..its probably shit!

I saw this on a cars back window and it had me giggling all the way home from the shops, but even though i found it humourous it has a ring of truth to it and me being me it got me thinking but im taking the thinking cap off for tonight, i have a nice bottle of wine in the fridge which will go down nicely, im not getting a lot else at the moment as the bossman has put me on a period of denial..which for once im not moaning about im enjoying letting the need build up....i reserve the right to moan if it carries on too much longer!

Friday, 13 July 2012 a submissive get me out of here!

Inspired by lil's post "I want my husband to dominate me" which is what i like about blogging you read something and it gives you thoughts/ideas.

It can be very overwhelming coming to terms with accepting that your submissive and you yearn to be dominated, sometimes you have your own ideas about how that should be, what you would like to happen, there perhaps might be a little fear that you crave what you do because well its not normal is it? not in this day and age, you might wander if its just fantasy and try to push these feelings aside, but there there arent they? there not going to go away, you will think about it as you lie in bed waiting for sleep to come, you can get up in the morning and go about your day, distract yourself that everything will be ok, its a passing phase...some people can achieve that and not act on these thoughts for others it will build up and up and eventually you have to realise them.

Then comes the difficult part, what to do with these feelings, who to tell?, will they understand? when a lot of it you dont really understand yourself so if they have questions you cant answer because you probably dont have the answers as your looking for answers as well.   I imagine for most people a first port of call is the internet, type in submission and the ball starts rolling, you may have many lightbulb moments of "oh that me" "yes thats what i want" but it also can be daunting and confusing the more you search whats out there the more information that hits and you realise that your not alone, far from it...breath a sigh of relief that its ok to have these feelings.

Type in domination and that opens up a whole different perspective, might make you question if you are indeed actually submissive because your ideas of being submissive does not involve being controlled to that extent, but your not sure actually because it excites you when you read it and your curiosity drives you to discover more.  A pause to rethink and take it all in, so many different variations out there you wander where you fit into it all if you do at all, you see images that turn you on and ones that horrify and make you want to go running away from it all.

You have all this information at your fingertips but what are you going to do with it?  if your at this point your most likely not going to walk away you have come too far, it needs to be explored whether to find out if it is indeed just a phase or fantasty and one you need to get out of your system or its more than can change your life, turn it upside down and inside out..and the journey begins.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Take me there....going beyond my pain threshold

I have never asked him to do his worst, i couldnt handle it not yet and i may never will.  He said to me once that he would take me as far into depravity and push my pain threshold as far as i could go and beyond, there have been lots of tears, laughs and lessons learnt along the way.

It has been somewhat of a revelation in the last few years realising and accepting that the more nastier and cruel he is during s/m sessions the more turned on i get, the more worthless he makes me feel through humiliation the more i crave and worship him, when the two are combined im there, im there in that place of just 'being'.

Sometimes i fight against it, i dont want to go there, i have stood in front of you tears streaming down my face begging you to stop, you dont you never do its like as much as i reach the moment of just 'being' and i will endure whatever you need to give me, you reach your own state where your only sated by bringing me pain and merely a conduit in which your desires, sadism and cruelty flow through.

Its so very difficult sometimes at the time, i have hated you, i have been tied to the cross or the bench and pulled against the restraints even tried to undo them with my mouth if its within reach, broke one of the leather wrist cuffs once in my desperation to get free, you calmly and unfazedly resecured me with another. 

Its said there is a fine line between love and hate, i can understand that, at the time i may hate you, but afterwards when your sated and im exhausted, sufferring and tearful i dont think i could love you anymore than i do at that time and i will ask, no i will beg you to take me there again.

Monday, 9 July 2012

Just because he can isnt always enough

Because of the nature of our dynamic there are many things he will and can do simply because he can, he does not need my approval or consent he does not need to explain his reasons behind his decisions and his actions, but its very unusual that he will say 'because i can' as a response to any query i may make, and for the most part he will give an explanation for his desicions and actions.
I question a lot and i like answers, i need an understanding of why sometimes rather than being fobbed off with 'because i can' that doesnt give me anything and although i submit and obey and want and need that, in order to be the submissive i and he wants me to be then i need to understand what he wants and expects from me and i can only know if he tells me.

Much emphasis is placed on the dominant getting inside the submissives head, to understand her further but its a two way street i want to know what makes the bossman tick for the same reason, i want to know his desires and what makes him want to do these nasty but enjoyable things to me, because i want know to know how best to serve those desires instinctively without prompting.

Its not about questioning him at every instruction we have been together long enough now that i pretty much know whats expected and i know why he wants and desires the things he does but sometimes something comes along that i struggle on understanding his reasoning and i need to know that i can ask him about it without being told 'because i can' i find that patronising.

Yes there are times he does act on 'because he can' he doesnt need to say it, he instructs and i obey but i know i can ask him why at an appropriate time so long as its respectful and not challenging his authority.

I need to remember i was a teenager once upon a time

My son left on Sunday lunchtime to go to Barcelona on a school trip, his girlfriend arrived at our house at about 3pm she's a lovely girl and i invited her in and she promptly burst into tears apparently she doesnt know what she is going to do for a week without him...sigh...and deep breath..mantra going around in my head.."i was a 15yr old girl once..." over and over...but i wasnt like that..i was more a nerd and interested in my studies than i was boys but heck i can do this..yes i can....

ok well apparently i cant!  i just had this burning urge to give her a shake and pull herself together..he hasnt even been gone 4 hours yet! only been going out 5months..but apparently in teen terms thats a lifetime commitment..should i start looking for hats?  I offerred her something to eat..big mistake..huge mistake...she cant possibly eat her stomach is in bits..and i got a look as if to say do i know nothing.....well considering her every sentence ended with "you know" i think im expected to.    Of course it was difficult to actually have a conversation because her mobile kept going off  with text and facebook alerts "its my bezzies (translate to best friends) checking im ok"....oh dear lord.

Before she left she gave me her mobile number and is going to add me to her friends list on facebook (lucky me) with instructions to get in touch when i hear from him because he hasnt texted her once and its been "like 4 hours you know".....and i thought to myself..yes i do know..i know that he cant be doing with being hassled and putting up with drama, and i know she should step back and let him do the bloody chasing ..but i shut my mouth and smiled.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

Im a country girl

I have lived in the country all my life and i feel very lucky that where i live is considered one of the most beautiful places in the UK, i take it for granted, but i know when i go to London or go with Master sometimes on his courses to cities when i get back i appreciate just how fortunate i am.

Its a novelty going to cities but i couldnt live in one, I have family that live in London and i love to go and see them but its such a fast paced way of life, the traffic, the people crowding the streets and dont get me started on the underground it scares the hell out of me and i guess i stick out like a sore thumb.

But i guess a lot of it is what your used to, i suspect many city people wouldnt want to live in the country i know my brothers wife doesnt like coming to visit here very often she considers it quiet and too isolated but its those very reasons and more of why i like it.  Master and i both like going out for long treks, i like being amongst nature not concrete towers, i like the peacefulness and the quiet of being out in the woods and nothing but the sounds of birds and woodland animals and the smells..ok apart from cow and horse poo!

I love waking up, pulling my curtains and seeing the sea and its a 5 min walk to the nearest beach, of course it has its downfalls being a small village community everyone knows everyones business well at least they think they do! but its been a wanderful place to raise my children and because of the small community people look out for each other and my children have been able to go out and be safe, climb trees, make camps in the woods..the things i used to do when i was a child beats sitting at home playing on a game console.

Friday, 6 July 2012

Safewords and subspace

I have written about safewords before but a perspective i hadnt thought of is how sometimes a safeword can be relied on too much, to the point that it could cause a dominant not to monitor his submissive as vigilantly as he should be (mostly related to s/m) because he is relying on her to communicate to him via a safeword if something is wrong.

Personally we dont use a safeword, we did in the begininng but as the s/m became more intense the less one was needed which is odd i know you would think it would be the opposite but as things become more intense i get into subspace more easily and therin lies the problem of relying too much on a safeword.

When i get into deep subspace i am gone, i am in my own bubble, i can barely if at all register if he is saying anything to me let alone communicate myself, i am entirely absorbed by this intense feeling of calm and its when im probably at my most vunerable, he has fisted me before when i have been in subspace but i can honestly say i dont remember it, its hazy and if it wasnt for the fact i know he wouldnt decieve me i would be convinced it hadnt happened..thats how deep under i can get at times.

Relying soley on a safeword at these times could potentially be more of a safety risk because i am unable to register if something is wrong that should be, more importantly it requires that he is extremely vigilant in whats happening, constant checking in to ensure that all is how it should be.

Im not saying that having no safeword at all is the way to go, and there is nothing wrong with having one but i think its more important that due care and attention is paid to the submissives responses and the overall situation than relying on a word being utterred.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

No game playing

I think an important part of enslavement is consistencey, this reinforces trust, it provides the slave with the security of knowing if her Owner says something will be done it will be, i couldnt handle changing of mind on a constant basis or one day something be acceptable and the next week its not, i need to know where i stand.  Its important to me that he is upfront about his expectations of me and in return he expects the same, he does not desire bratty behaviour if he gets an indictation im heading that way its stamped out and likewise i dont want to be set up intentionally to fail.

If he wants to beat me he will simply because he wants to, there need not be any other reason than that, it would not benefit me or him to have him 'create' an excuse or to set me up in a no win situation where the consequence is punishment and so he has a reason to hurt me.

Im not saying this is how it should be, this is how it is for us, some people like the role playing of "you have been a naughty girl...." etc and there is absolutley nothing wrong with that but im not talking of simply role playing i mean the act of setting the slave up to fail.

I have a problem with this due to the fact that most slaves need to please, disappointing their Owner is worse than any punishment they could endure so to be set up to fail by their Owner would be crushing and i would go as far as saying damaging to their enslavement.  It doesnt promote a healthy consistencey which in turn effects trust and security which are foundations of the dynamic and once the foundations start get cracks its only a matter of time before it all crumbles.

Monday, 2 July 2012

I dont have a high sex drive

I dont! doesnt mean i dont enjoy it because i do but a couple of times a week would be fine with me, i dont refuse him when he does want it and i enjoy it when it happens, but sometimes i feel like there is something wrong with me.  I dont know why it is, i get aroused very easily and it doesnt take much to make me climax but even when im aroused i dont often have that need to have sex it just happens that im aroused and something has triggered that arousal.

When i am aroused its pain i seek before sex, achieving an orgasm through s/m is just as sexually satisfying to me as actually having sex, sometimes a sex act may be incoporated into the s/m but it doesnt need to be the, s/m alone leaves me sated.

I worry that there is something wrong with me and i know most likely im being silly and i know its stupid to compare to others but i cant help it....why do i not have a high sex drive? i could understand it if i didnt like sex, or the passion was gone but i do enjoy sex and the passion is there but i just dont crave it but yet i crave him..and that doesnt make sense.

I wander if its because i dont associate sex with M/s or anything to do with being submissive i mean yes sure its a part of it but to me it matters little in the bigger picture, i would give up sex before i gave up s/m if that was ever a consideration, and i would give both of them up and just have the M/s dynamic which to me is more important.