Monday, 16 July 2012

Do i love the man, or is it the control and being owned i love?

Is there a difference? does he love me or my submission?

Speaking from my own personal experience i sought out to have a relationship of this nature rather than being in an established relationship and the ttwd being brought into it so i wander of the differences between these scenarios in regards to love.  For example in an already established relationship where ttwd is explored together i should imagine that love is already present, wheras for me i didnt seek out love, i sought out a specific type of man and dynamic.

I have been in a vanilla relationship and loved and been loved it was not enough, it was not his fault but i needed to explore my submission being in that relationship did not make me happy once i became obsessed with the need to be dominated.   So to be a bit pessimistic i dont believe love conquers all and im more inclined to go with the saying  "If your in a relationship that makes you miserable more than it makes you happy, no matter how much you love them, let them go", im the first to say all relationships need to be worked at and thats true but you both have to want the same or similar things, you cant make someone be something they are not and its not fair to expect them to.

Unlike established relationships where ttwd is explored together at the same pace i joined a uk bdsm site, put up a profile which gave a rough idea of who i was and what i was looking for and what i was looking for experienced older dominant....i had one brief relationship with a man, it didnt work out and then i met the bossman, he mailed me...long story short within a few months we met up and our relationship started.

I wasnt actively seeking out a romantic entanglement, if it became part of it then so be it, im very much a what will be will be type of person, so at the very start our relationship was Dom and sub, sure we talked about vanilla stuff as we spoke online but when it was agreed that we were going to pursue further and meet up it was very much all about the dynamic which is what we both wanted.

He was what was looking for ie an experienced older dominant, why was this important to me? being a newbie i wanted someone that was confident in their abilites and most of all themselves and yes the experience of being a dominant in an M/s dynamic, as for older well thats my personal preference, i prefer the older man.  Does all this make it easier than exploring it all new together? i dont think so, i dont think anyway is easier or better, different yes, both having advantages and disadvantages.

This is going to have to be 2 posts as i havent even touched on the actual subject of the post title..blame kitty the submissive wife she got me thinking on this.


  1. Ha - blame me? Whatever. :)

    I totally get wanting a more experienced dominant - that makes sense to me.

    Here's my question (you knew there would be one, right?) - do you think that first more vanilla relationship would have ended anyway? Was your need to explore submission the only thing?

    I am so insatiable about this subject right now.

    1. oh. lol.

      Exploring submission wasnt the only thing no there were other issues to be fair, i was with him from a young age (late teens) so it was a combination of we had both matured and wanted different things. Yes i think it would have broke down eventually with or without my need to explore im no further ahead on my apparent theory am i lol

      Its a subject that is intriguing me i think because its that need to understand why we are like we are perhaps?


  2. Another very good post. Your blog is a must read. My take is that for a sub like you who likes pain, it's better to have an experienced dom. If you were exploring together, the guy might be reluctant to give you the pain and BDSM you want. I think for a sub who just is into spankings, it could be OK to explore together. And as far as do you love the guy or the control and being owned, I think you love likely love both. Even though you weren't looking for romance at the beginning, I think it is hard not to fall in love with a guy who is meeting your needs. That's just my opinion or a guess. Only you can answer that.

    And you said you wanted an older dom. Can you share how much older he is?

    And as far asunderstanding why we like we are, I think we are born that way. It is in our DNA. It just takes some people longer than others to realize it or accept it. I knew I was kinky in my teens back in the day when there was no Internet to explore and I thought nobody else had these thoughts. And then I read the magazine called Variations and the Story of O and I realized I wasn't alone.


    1. Thanks again FD, sometimes im not sure i fit in with this ttwd but perhaps im being paranoid, but then i appreciate that the lifestyle i lead isnt for everyone.

      Yes i think although there was not love in the beginning it has progressed because well as you stated he meets my needs and i meet his.

      He is 16 years older than me and its not an issue for either of us, i prefer older not just because of the experience with bdsm but life in general.

      I agree that i do think we are born this way and you cant alter your basic nature.


  3. I'm a believer in finding love in all forms and varieties. Whether that forms in a vanilla relationship that later introduces things kinky, forms between more than two people in a Polyamorous fashion, forms between Swingers who can't get enough of each other, or between an established Dom and a newbie sub, love can happen.

    There is no guidebook for finding or falling in love. What makes it work for you is all that matters, regardless of the way it comes about. Bossman fulfills you. Attachment forms during the intensity of the sessions, I'm sure. A deep connection that forms between Dom and sub can be love, even if it isn't the stereotypical vanilla romance.

    It may be that you love the relationship because of the man, and love the man because of the relationship. The combination and intertwining of the two is what does it for you, and that's why it works.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

    1. Hello Mr AP

      Yes i think you hit the nail on the head its a combination of getting my needs met and the man himself that does it for me.

      I should really stop overthinking and be happy that im happy!