I have never asked him to do his worst, i couldnt handle it not yet and i may never will. He said to me once that he would take me as far into depravity and push my pain threshold as far as i could go and beyond, there have been lots of tears, laughs and lessons learnt along the way.
It has been somewhat of a revelation in the last few years realising and accepting that the more nastier and cruel he is during s/m sessions the more turned on i get, the more worthless he makes me feel through humiliation the more i crave and worship him, when the two are combined im there, im there in that place of just 'being'.
Sometimes i fight against it, i dont want to go there, i have stood in front of you tears streaming down my face begging you to stop, you dont you never do its like as much as i reach the moment of just 'being' and i will endure whatever you need to give me, you reach your own state where your only sated by bringing me pain and humiliation...im merely a conduit in which your desires, sadism and cruelty flow through.
Its so very difficult sometimes at the time, i have hated you, i have been tied to the cross or the bench and pulled against the restraints even tried to undo them with my mouth if its within reach, broke one of the leather wrist cuffs once in my desperation to get free, you calmly and unfazedly resecured me with another.
Its said there is a fine line between love and hate, i can understand that, at the time i may hate you, but afterwards when your sated and im exhausted, sufferring and tearful i dont think i could love you anymore than i do at that time and i will ask, no i will beg you to take me there again.