I have never asked him to do his worst, i couldnt handle it not yet and i may never will. He said to me once that he would take me as far into depravity and push my pain threshold as far as i could go and beyond, there have been lots of tears, laughs and lessons learnt along the way.
It has been somewhat of a revelation in the last few years realising and accepting that the more nastier and cruel he is during s/m sessions the more turned on i get, the more worthless he makes me feel through humiliation the more i crave and worship him, when the two are combined im there, im there in that place of just 'being'.
Sometimes i fight against it, i dont want to go there, i have stood in front of you tears streaming down my face begging you to stop, you dont you never do its like as much as i reach the moment of just 'being' and i will endure whatever you need to give me, you reach your own state where your only sated by bringing me pain and humiliation...im merely a conduit in which your desires, sadism and cruelty flow through.
Its so very difficult sometimes at the time, i have hated you, i have been tied to the cross or the bench and pulled against the restraints even tried to undo them with my mouth if its within reach, broke one of the leather wrist cuffs once in my desperation to get free, you calmly and unfazedly resecured me with another.
Its said there is a fine line between love and hate, i can understand that, at the time i may hate you, but afterwards when your sated and im exhausted, sufferring and tearful i dont think i could love you anymore than i do at that time and i will ask, no i will beg you to take me there again.
I'm starting to have that same revelation myself. I find it a bit scary sometimes and it makes me want run.
ReplyDeletehi faerie
DeleteIt is scary and there have been many times and probably more to come where i want to run but yet as scary as it is its all that element of excitment that stops me.
tori x
I've read often -- at other blogs and in writings on FetLife -- that those tearful, painful, hateful moments help us reach deep and unlock things inside us that need release. I'm slowly beginning to understand what that means. From your beautiful writing here it looks like you've been learning it too. I'll be learning from you as well. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteStay SINful
Mr. AP
Hell Mr AP
DeleteI think thats an accurate description and one i hadnt considered but yes it unlock things and sometimes those things seem scary, but i think thats because its fear of the unknown.
Thankyou for your lovely comment, i dont think we should ever stop learning, there is always more to learn.
tori x
Oh no! I must back away now...
ReplyDeleteIt is this kind of beautiful writing that makes it all sound so good (to me) and then I start pushing H again. I was just relaxing into his "five year plan".
Damn you! (J/K)
But really, I often wonder how the pain circuitry in my body runs. A bite on a nipple - straight to the g-spot? A pinch on the thigh - you are right that the more I get, the more I come back for more.
Great post.
hi kitty
DeleteThankyou
Its funny i have been with the bossman 5 years (thinking of your 5yr plan lol) and its been slow progress but i think sometimes its better that way, yes sure somethings have happened quicker but mostly i think its just best to go with the flow and let happen what happens lol
It is addictive i think, the further we go the more we want.
tori x
The last paragraph of your post about the difference between love and hate was such an insightful look at this lifestyle. He is obviously meeting your needs because you get turned on the more nasty and cruel he is. The way he calmly secured you when you broke the wrist restraints shows how he knows what is good for both of you. You must be very happy to have found him.
ReplyDeleteWhich brings me to your comment on sanctuary's blog that you left your previous relationship when your needs weren't getting met. You are so right that if you had stayed yout would have an an affair behind his back or ended up being miserable and you both would have been miserable. But congrats on going forward as a single mother looking for the relationship you knew you needed but didn't clearly understand. That had to be difficult for you but it paid such rich dividends in your life. You are a slave and a strong women but then strong women sometimes are very good slaves.
FD
hi Fd
DeleteThankyou for this, i am very happy and i think im one of the lucky ones, it was a rough journey getting here but it was worth it and im glad i took the risk.
I absolutley agree with your comment regarding strong women being very good slaves, its a subject i have been wanting to tackle and i may do at one point.
tori x