Sunday, 14 December 2014

Roll on January

A quickie

I havent been well at all, health generally has been shit the last few months.

Some personal, family problems as well.

I havent been able to give the blog the attention i would like, and rather than come here and repeat myself over and over, im going to take a clean break until after the new year and come back refreshed and more positive than i feel at the moment.

Sorry for not keeping up, coz i do miss it, and well as strange as it seems being as its the big wide web i miss you lot, many, many of you i consider friends.

Wishing you all a wanderful Christmas, and a happy New Year

See you all in the New Year.


Tuesday, 18 November 2014

The boring bits


I had the contraceptive implant put in 4 weeks ago, i chose it because i liked that it stops ones periods and you dont have to think about it, the doctor discussed side effects, of which he said are rare, it was painless to be put in, although its rather strange to feel it under the skin.

A few days after having it fitted, i started spotting a bit of blood, wasnt too concerned the doc said this was normal, we had sex and i noticed blood on the sheets afterwards but nothing when going to the toilet, a few days later however full on period.

Which ok, wasnt overly concerned about, but now, 16 days later i am still on my period! and everyday is heavy flow, heavier than what they were previously.

So, i went back to the doctors yesterday, probably should have gone before, but well, i didnt.

Well, this is one of the possible, rare side effects, heavy prolonged periods, which can last up and around to a year! oh and a decrease in libido as well as the body not producing natural lubrication, which i noticed the last few times we had sex.  I was turned on, wanted it, but i was aware that i was not as wet as i usually am, i was aroused but the bitch down there was not responding as normal, i dont think he noticed, but i did!

No wander its an effective contraceptive, spend 3 weeks of a month on a period, decrease in libido, oh and lack of natural lubrication, all of that and yeah sex is the last thing on my mind!

The doctor started talking about extended foreplay to help in getting the body to dont have a problem getting turned on, ta very muchly, i think he missed the point, but im not about to go into a full on discussion about what gets me going with my doctor.

My diabetic consultant has put me on happy pills (antidepressants), i was reluctant to go down this path, i still have this sense of a stigma about being on them, but im willing to give them a go, i know i havent been myself for some time now, the bastard reduced me to tears (the consultant) with some home truths about my condition and the outcomes if i dont take better care of myself.

Mind you, i dont think the happy pills are working, or maybe im expecting too much too soon, but then what with the never ending period im on at the moment its no wander im feeling bloody depressed because it is damn depressing....and to top it off i have thrush.....ahh a side effect of diabeties, blood sugars being too high.

I have agreed to give it another month, see how it goes, if though im still on my period this time next week, im going back to get the damn implant removed.

boring post done.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Time flies

Im still alive lol

It wasnt until the bossman enquired about my blog that i realised it has been a fair while since i have posted, longer than i thought.

I had decided to have a little break, take a step back just for a week or so, and before you know it one week goes into the next and a month has flown by, havent logged on or read anything since my last post.

I had moments of missed it, but really what i missed the most is catching up with others, rather than writing my own posts, geez guess i have a shit load of catching up to do!

Anyways hope everyone has been well, sorry for not replying to comments on last post, thats on my to-do-list for tomorrow morning, as well as catching up, and emails etc, and then well then, i guess i better get back into the swing of things here.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

You cant? hmm really

"you can't punish a masochist with pain, it is counter productive"

I have to disagree with that, and im pretty sure im not the only masochist that would do so.

Firstly, lets define masochism, look it up in most dictionaries and the common factor is "someone who derives sexual gratification from pain" and yep thats me, and yes even when a form of pain is used as punishment i get aroused.

ahh, i know what your thinking....and that point proven, how can it be a punishment if it turns you on?

because my cunt has a mind of her own, she might be enjoying it, but every other part of me isnt sometimes...however it isnt just that alone that makes a difference.

There are things i dont like, regardless that they arouse me, i dont like it, off the top off my head, the dressage whip, the butt plug inflated past 4 pumps, the cane on my thighs, pretty much any implement on the thighs come to that, especially on the inner thighs, wooden spoons, kitchen tools in general actually...really they should just stay in the kitchen! there are more.

He knows what i really do not like, and therefore what is more effective.

But for me what makes the biggest difference is how i feel, how i respond to his demeanour, if he is punishing me its because i havent been good in some way, usually because i have disobeyed him or behaved in a way he doesnt like, so he isnt pleased with me, and i have no one to blame but myself, so i feel bad, guilty, and im on edge, i find him intimidating at these times, even though i will beforehand (when i know punishment is imminent) sometimes get a bit cocky, try to manipulate him, talk him around (i know, bad slave!) when its actually happening, in that moment, i genuinely am one sorry slave and there is no 'smart mouth' attitude, i guess the best way i can explain it is he makes me feel 'little', nervous and mostly ashamed that i have given him reason to punish me.

The actual punishment itself is a consequence of my actions, but also i need it, dont want it, but need it, because it allows me to move past feeling guilty, it wipes the slate clean, puts things back to the way they should be.

of course, not all punishments need to be physical in nature.

Monday, 13 October 2014

On second thoughts

Well it is said its a womans prerogative to change her mind is it not?, ok so the bossman may well disagree with that, but lets not concern oneself with what he might think for the time being.

So in my last post i was feeling positive, and i still am in respect of how i feel about my submission, i guess sometimes i feel better about it overall than i do at other times,  i think when one does have struggles with submission etc, i wander if its a case of setting ones goals too high, or trying for the elusive perfection.

But i have been dwelling on some of the things that are lacking in my submission, so this is where its a womans prerogative to change her mind comes in!  i cant help but over think things, or maybe its that somethings warrant spending time thinking about, but the point is one thing i am terrible at is procrastinating and trying to find loopholes...ok thats 2 things, there are more but lets stop there!  and these things are not making me a good submissive.

He decided some time back that, perhaps a couple of months ago, cant remember exactly, that he would like to know what i think about when i have the plug in, it was agreed that i would send him an email once a week, with said information, how or what he chooses to do with that information is another matter.

Now, there isnt much, well anything really fantasy wise that he doesnt know about, things i desire, turn me on etc, and for the most part im comfortable in telling him verbally, face to face all these things, but for some odd reason, i dont like to put it in writing, its almost like having it written down in black and white makes it hmm more real?

So, back to the point in question.  

I have been very lapse in writing those emails, and i have said as such to him and he has not mentioned it, so this is where my procrastination and the looking for loopholes comes in.

I havent been writing them because i dont like it, i dont like that having it in writing perhaps might give him ideas, ideas that i may well not be too fond of! and because he hasnt mentioned it i figured that its not a big deal, if he isnt picking up on it, that im not doing it why should i bother? and that is where i look for a loophole, my argument with myself is well he cant punish me for not doing it because he has not said anything because i havent done it.

and this is where i realise im not doing very well, in the respect of my submission......i should do it because he has instructed me to...that is reason enough, the fact that he has not mentioned it is irrelevant, i know i should be doing it.

so here is where my logic goes a bit awry

im going to do it now, so i figure i shouldnt be punished because i have had a lightbulb moment and am now aware that its been wrong, perhaps selfish of me to expect him to keep on top of what i know i should be doing and how i behave, but still, im going to be good now and thats what he should focus on...not that i havent been obedient.

Yeah another grey area of mine is trying to get out of punishments in any way conclusion

my submission is flowing freely, but in the direction i want it to go...which hmm yes isnt very submissive is it!

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Flowing freely

Havent been too well since the beginning of last week, picked up a rotten cold which went to my chest and it knocked me for 6, my immune system is weak due to a combination of medical issues, got a lecture from the doctor he threatened to hospitalise me if i wasnt improved by Monday (im better now, well getting there) i swore i would handcuff myself to the bed rather than go into hospital...yeah im a terrible patient.

I hate being laid up in bed, well when its forced, i did get to catch up on some books i have been wanting to read, and i got spoiled with the complete series of The Walking Dead, well up to as far as its got and Game of Thrones being bought for me, so watched those as well.

So nothing kink wise going on.

He did muse about suspending me fully by my tits in the very near future, he has done this where im pulled up to my tip toes but not fully off the not so sure my tits can take it i declared..."we shall have to find out" he replied......ahh well something to look forward to i suppose, or not....oh who am i kidding, im excited thinking about it!

We have spoke a fair bit lately about areas he wants to work on with me, aspects of my enslavement as well as pushing me a bit more in s/m, its been a while since he has worked on something new with me or expanded on what we already do.

Over the last few months, there has been a shift, a difference in the way my enslavement manifests itself, since i had that meltdown as i refer to it, back in March when it was q&a month and Master contributed, it hit me harder than i let on, on here, and its taken a lot of 'work' for want of a better phrase to get me past all these ideas that were in my head, it caused a lot of strain.

Although i do think that submitting isnt always easy, i dont think it should be an effort either, and in hindsight i was making it an effort because i was overthinking a lot, questioning the whys and what for's, hung up on what people think, all that became more important than what really is important...and whats more important is what he thinks, what i think about us.

It was holding me back, its been an ongoing thing, as in years, i wouldnt believe him, or rather i didnt want to believe him when he would say that i just needed to let go and embrace what i was, that there is no shame in being his slave, in being a masochist, and i had tried, but well i had hang-ups, about the whole slave label and my masochism.

But this shift thats been happening, its been so slight i hadnt really noticed it until the recent discussions brought it to attention, im submitting effortlessly, im not sure how i can explain it more better than that.

But it feels good.

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Return to room 101

I thought i would update this, as kitty left a comment there recently which made me think that some of the things in this room have changed, perhaps some more things need to be added.

It is one of my most popular posts of all time, but im inclined to think this is because people are searching for references to George Orwell's book 1984, and umm they are finding it, not what they were expecting im sure!  its not what i consider one of my best posts either.

The point of room 101, in case you didnt know, is from the book i stated above, its a room where ones worst nightmare is kept, the concept of this was turned into a tv programme where people can choose 3 things to put into room 101 to be banished.

Anyway back to my bdsm room 101, clamps and weights can come out the room, so too can the inflatable butt plug, dressage whip however is staying in there, that can go straight into hell as far as im concerned.

So what 2 things to put in, because there has to be 3, thats the rules of room 101! well my fantasy room 101 that is, he wont let me really banish things in reality, mean man that he is.

1) otk spanking, hate it, find it a way i dont like, he doesnt do it often but when he does i will beg to have to not do it, this just makes it worse so i dont know why i do it, but i do, i think, no i know, he enjoys that i find it belittling, that i genuinely dont want it....besides he broke my favourite hairbrush spanking me with it...i loved that brush!...not on my ass.

2)  enemas, well specifically him doing it to me and then watching me when its ewww time to expel it, i was reading a post mouse wrote about enemas, as she kindly replied to some questions i had about how they work in her relationship, and i would be ok if i could do it on my own, without him being anywhere its not so much the enemas themselves.....its, well yeah....let me have some dignity please..but no not going to happen...he loves my discomfort and humiliation.

So come on people, what 3 things are going in your Room 101, i want to see room 101 posts filling the blog roll lol...because well all is quiet around blogland lately! anyone else think that?

ooh yes i know i have comments to get getting there.

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Service within M/s

anon asked...what anon,,,who knows!

"what is meant by service in a Master/slave relationship?"

I can only say what it means to us, or rather from my perspective.

Putting all kink and sexy times aside, service for me is pretty much everything else, im putting these aside because i believe there has to more than those to keep the dynamic thriving, because its just not all about the kink, or rather it isnt for us.

Being of service can be many things, keeping the home tidy, having a nice dinner ready when he gets home from work, dealing with paperwork, knowing his preferences...what drink he might like at dinner, having the newspaper set out by his chair, anything really that makes his life that bit easier or more comfortable.

I like being of service, i enjoy and get a lot of satisfaction from looking after him, even in what might seem like trivial ways, if he has had a shitty/bad day at work i want to ensure that he can come home to a relaxing stress free environment, a nice massage perhaps or a drink on hand, just to sit at this feet and listen to his day.

Its also about doing the things that i might not be particularly enthusiastic about, or feel like doing at the time, but yet its seeing to his needs, or rather acting accordingly to his preferences, but i do try to take pleasure in being of service because i want to please him.

Besides im of the mind that being submissive isnt just about what i like and want to do, and i know it might be a controversial idea to some but pleasing him comes before my own wants and needs, but yet it does fill my wants and needs because of the need and want i have to be pleasing.

I do think service is an important part of an M/s dynamic, because it adds a layer to the power exchange, that its not all about kink and sex, he takes care of me in so many ways, being of service allows me to give that back.

What i can have problems with in this area is anticipating his needs and acting accordingly but yet not making assumptions.

Monday, 29 September 2014

Tut Tut Tut

Well, one anon played the game, i suppose one is better than none, but im not giving on a mission!

So, i said i would publish the questions and i will, but only 3, which i think is only fair!

anon asked

"does your Master's sadism ever concern you at times?, you say sometimes you wander how far your masochism will take you, what about him?"

No, not really, i think what makes the difference is that he is that much more experienced than i am, there isnt that i know of anything s/m wise that he has not done that he wants to do, whereas for me i still have lots of areas that i would like to explore.

I say not really, because the only concern, but im not sure i would call it a concern, more a case of overthinking on my part, is am i giving him what he needs s/m wise, i do think sometimes he would like to take me further, faster than im ready to.

He has never said as such, its just a feeling i get sometimes when we are playing and im at my limit, i sense that he is wanting to give me more, and although he will push me, he wont take me to breaking point, there is nothing to be gained by that, he wants me keen for more, in these times when i sense that this is the case it bothers me because i want to be able to take it, to give him what he needs.

But i try not to dwell on it because he reassures me that i do give him what he needs.

He does not worry about how far his sadism will take him, not now, well not that i know of,  he did many years ago he has said, similar conflicts to what i have had but from the other perspective, but now he just says its a part of who he is, its as simple as that.

anon see here the problem? is this the same anon, a different one, even just giving yourself a name, any name, use your imagination, would help in knowing.

"Would love to hear about a sex scene between the 2 of you, what you or he likes etc?"

Well, quite frankly im shit about talking about sex scenes, besides sometimes less is more lol

I like my sex brutal, but not all the time, sometimes i want his tenderness, a combination of the two together can be awesome as well, where he will start off tender, and i as i relax into it, he will turn...i love that, i like that i cant predict where its going.

I do love exploring his body, no matter how well i know it, i never tire of it, i know what parts of his body are his hot spots....not just his cock!  i love, love licking his ass, i think perhaps because of how he responds to it, and he loves that i love it.

I love anal sex, more than i do usual sex, especially if he uses little lube or none at all, i like the feeling of it being uncomfortable, painful, i cum more easily through anal sex than i do usual sex.

He likes it how he likes it, which is however he feels at the time, in the mornings he will sometimes just take what he wants, its about sating his needs, sometimes he likes to spend time teasing me, until im begging him to fuck me.....sometimes it involves toys, sometimes it doesnt.

Saturday, 27 September 2014

Anons, come out, come out, whoever you are!

To all the anons of blogland, some of you have left me some downright nasty, judgy comments over the years, but some of you have also been very nice, left thoughtful comments and questions.

Sometimes i have and still do suspect that actually some are not really anonymous, and that you do have a blog but rather than use your blog name you hide behind anonymity because your comment/question is perhaps judgy....i would like to think im wrong about that.

As of late im getting a lot of comments on older posts from anons, is it the same anon? i dont know, im inclined to think it is, because i would of thought its too much of a coincidence to get a lot of comments on older posts in such a short space of time.

So, here is a thought, im going to assume that the majority of anons in blogland that leave comments/questions are curious about this, ttwd etc, and thats ok, i imagine perhaps many of those that blog now started off reading other blogs, maybe not.

So, how about taking the plunge and setting up a blog, you dont even have to write in it, would be nice if you did though, it just gives you an identity of sorts, of course not your real identity but its a step up from being, well being anon.

And we are a nice bunch here, ok, so speaking for myself i can lean towards the sarcastic side, but just lay off the silly questions like "what if he wanted to chop your arms off?" and we will get along just fine!

So, (yeah i like saying so a lot) go on, off you go, its very easy, will take you 5 mins......i dare you to take the plunge!

If just one of you does, and comments with your shiny new blog id. i suppose i will publish those questions left on the older posts.....nosy buggers you all are lol

7 Deadly sins.....Wrath

 As before, with Pride, im putting them in context of my relationship and dynamic type.


I do get angry, with myself, and at the bossman, but its not a real anger, as in full of pure hate, and generally when i am angry its fleeting, i go off on one, get whatever is on my chest off and then im done.

Im not very good at controlling my emotions, i tend to go either full on with them, or i bottle them up.

When i do get angry with the bossman, which is not that often at all, he either walks away and refuses to deal with me/the issue until im ready to behave in a more dignified manner, or i get a hard slap to the face which stops me short.

He certainly wont engage me in a full on row, and we have never argued, not as in full on shouting at each other, he wont, his attitude is there is nothing to be gained from it, he is far more in control of his emotions in this respect than i am....which can be frustrating when im angry with him and i want some response, to shout back..but he doesnt, he is just so bloody calm about it....which grrr can be infuriating.

Thats not to say he doesnt get angry ever, he does, although usually its in relation to something else, work usually, he has been angry with me, but i can count on one hand the amount of times, unlike me he does not anger easily.

But as much as i find it infuriating, the fact that he does not shout at me, he never has, quickly diffuses me and the situation, so i think its good and important that the dominant is able to keep control of their anger/temper.

Also in respect of being dominant, using anger or being angry as a way to gain compliance is to me not very positive, having someone shout at me, or being aggressive is not going to create calm or encourage positive behaviour, you might well get obedience but if its through fear imo thats not healthy.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Kinky things done

* Any unexpected way kink has improved your life?

Im reluctant to say its improved my life, its added to it, more than anything, i enjoy exploring different elements of kink, it allows me for the most part to escape from the outside world, and i feel safe in this bubble with him.

* Talk about something within BDSM/kink that your curious about/dont understand?

adult babies, not curious about, just dont understand it, however that is not to be interpreted as judging, get enough of that myself, also not to be confused with daddy dom/little girl kink.... its when people act, dress, and are treated as babies.....a total turn off for me..i survived raising my own babies, no inclination to want to be one myself, been there done that for real.......although i am prone to throw the odd tantrum from time to time!

* Favourite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)?

I discovered Kitty Thomas a couple of years ago, what i like about her books although they are kink orientated, they are well written, and balanced, one of hers in particular Comfort Food i love because she explores the interaction between Dominant and submissive in a more psychological way, rather than it being just about the physical.....and it appeals to my love of captivity/being caged.

I stay away from non-fiction books about kink/bdsm, read one that was enough.

*  What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy, how does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Lots of communication, it doesnt need to be all serious, have fun with it.

How does it differ?  umm i would have thought thats obvious, i imagine in a vanilla relationship, a woman would object to having her face slapped hard and then forced to her knees and choked on cock for example lol

*  Since you first developed an interest in kink/BDSM, have your interests/perspectives changed?

gosh yes.  im more open-minded, i engage in things i never ever thought i would, let alone enjoy them, when i got involved with the bossman and we discussed limits, soft and hard, he would mention things (things i had not even considered) and there was so much i was like "no way"...umm now those things i love....ok, not all of them, but i do them.

*  What qualities do you look for in a partner? assuming this is related to kink wise?

when i was looking..

Experienced dominant


Older than me, by at least 10 years preferably (hey, i like the older man lol)

*  How open are you about your kinks?

Im not, well, not in the sense of being out about it in the vanilla realm, here, as in blogger, im fairly open, somethings im more comfortable talking about than others.

*  What's your opinion on online BDSM play?

if thats what does it for people then fair enough, but nothing beats hands on, self inflicting pain on myself for another, even under their direction, over a pc screen just wouldnt be enough, but i appreciate for some people in the flesh is not possible

* Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities?, if so, how?

Only thing that comes to mind is that we both enjoy going for walks, and if the mood takes him and its safe to do so, i might get a beating in the woods, got caught once giving him a blowjob in a park....was mortified!

*  How do you dress for kink/BDSM play?  What significance does your attire have to you?

If its in the dungeon then generally he wants me ready, naked, occasionally he will request lingerie but not very often, elsewhere ie the bedroom then he does like me in lingerie, stockings, suspender belt, basque etc.

I love the man in a suit, for me it shouts, confidence, authority....and its just hot!  Dont do the whole fetish wear thing, the closest Master gets to leather is when he is out on his motorbike.

Attire doesnt really hold any significance, other than if im told to dress up for him, in the way i know he likes, i know im in for a good time lol

*  Do you have a BDSM title?  eg. Master, Mistress, pig, princess, whore, what are your opinions of the use of titles in general?

In the context of being in a scene, he tends to call me his bitch, his slut, outside of a scene he usually calls me by my given name, i would not like to be referred to as bitch, slut etc all the time, it just wouldnt sit right with me, he does on occasion, but in the respect of i know its usually a sign its playtime.

He is Master, Sir or Bossman to me all the time, and i like this, i like that for me it keeps me grounded, and i like the inequality it demonstrates in our relationship....i dont want to be his equal.

In general, i dont have a problem with titles, although i would not address another dominant as Master, i would not have a problem with calling them Sir.

*  Whatever kink/BDSM related thing you want to write about?

Brussel sprouts should be a universal hard limit! no one should ever have to have them on their plate unless they are asked for......  in fact i think i should campaign to make it so.

yay, so chuffed i got through this

Yep getting to the comments on previous posts, later this evening.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014


Because im such a dumbo at times, as those that know me say, academically great, common sense....what common sense! i would be offended if it wasnt for the fact that im inclined to agree with them.

It all started very innocently (as these things do!) on Monday morning when i went to the local bakery, they had made this new bread, sounded rather yummy, a rye bread with cranberries and oranges,  picked up a loaf thinking that will be nice for lunch, toasted.

Finished up other bits of shopping, headed home, set about getting lunch sorted, and....the bread is a large loaf, the slices wont fit in the toaster.....i will not be beaten...not by a loaf of bread anyway, so on a mission, armed with a ruler...yes i am that anal, i head back into buy a new toaster.....i know, exciting life i lead.

Well, a challenge indeed, the majority of toasters are standard slot size, im pretty sure people were looking at me thinking im a nut job as i went around measuring toasters, but i actually found one in an independent store, and snapped it up, ok, a bit pricey for a toaster....but slice of bread would fit in it!

So, get home, and toast my bread, which as it turns out is not very nice at all toasted, better just as bread, but never mind, got a shiny new toaster, and i get greeted with...

"Why have we got a new toaster?"....really! what man notices these sorts of things....ok so it is quite a large size and in bright yellow (there was no other colour...hmm perhaps i could redecorate the kitchen around the toaster colour?)  ah but i have been banned from decorating for 6 months! unreasonable.

So i relay what happened, the look on the face, can only be translated as utter bewilderment or perhaps 'crazy bitch'...i think i shall go with bewilderment.

"I see, so it didnt occur to you to cut the slice in accordingly, or perhaps use the grill in the oven?"

"ummmmm.....nope.... duh! but

we have a new toaster!"

goes off shaking his head.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

No title

Just read gg's post, which i loved, and it made me think, as i said in the comment there, do i portray the bossman only as being this demanding, harsh and strict Master.

He is all of those, but he is much more, i guess i dont tend to let that come through here, i wander if sometimes what i post, as in the previous 2 posts perhaps make some people uncomfortable, on the day i posted about my panic over potentially meeting up with a couple....titled 'where to start; i lost 3 followers, not that this bothers me at all....but it made me wander about what people think....oh fuck, i know i shouldnt go down this path.

It doesnt matter what people think, well, some people it does matter to me, but lately i seem to be getting a lot of it, im controlled too much, its unhealthy, the s/m we engage in is sick and does not fit with SSC or RACK, im brainwashed, im a victim.....and all of these are bullshit, but perhaps im partly to blame because of the way i write, maybe it comes across that way.

I started this post with the intention of defending him, but im not going to, i dont need to, because i know him, i know us, and thats enough.

When Master set this blog up for me, it was for me to air my thoughts, no matter what they were, because i find it helpful, somewhere along the way i lost sight of that, and i wont censor my worries, problems, dramas etc as much as i wont stop writing about other random shit.

Because i would rather keep this real, through all the ups as well as the downs.

Monday, 22 September 2014


Now i know why i blog, writing things down, putting thoughts

I sat here reading through my last post over and over, and although my thoughts about it all have not changed so much, im trying to adapt a different approach, sticking to the facts, what i do know, in an attempt to not overthink and over analyse the situation.

I have been here before,everytime when we would get together with others, and bar one ocassion, i have come away from it satisfied, not always liked some parts of it....but as he felt the need to remind me "would you like choice?"

no, i dont.

so sticking to the facts

It is not for definite, although he is seriously considering it, so stop with the worrying about what may not come to happen.

If it does...

*  there are many elements of it that i know i will love

*  he will stop something from happening if he so much as gets a hint that its too much for me, i know this as he has done before, and i can safeword with others if needs be

*  when it has been something i have not liked/enjoyed, i have got off on having no choice, i love that he has that control over me....its conflicting though,when i want to hate him at the same time

*  i like and enjoy the company of this particular couple, dont know the others

*  my safety, emotional and physical well being will be his priority, he might not show it (he generally doesnt) but i know thats what will be first in his mind at all times

* one of my fantasies may be made reality, watching him dominate another man......that would make it all worth it, the male sub wants to try forced bi......Master has done this before, he says its different, only in that it does nothing for him on a sexual level...but oh see a man on his knees sucking his cock.....mmmm thinking about it does it for me...damn that im not allowed to masturbate!

Sunday, 21 September 2014

where to start

with this, because its something i thought was long past and im struggling with how to deal with it,

Warning....very long post, if your going to attempt to get through it, i suggest a fresh cup of coffee will be needed, well this sort of post is for me to try sort through all these thought in my head.

We havent played with others in a very long time, as in years i didnt think it would be something we would go back to, i have within this blog documented some of those times, and the struggles i had with some of them, it definitely falls under the category of....i do it to please him aka i dont have a flipping choice, and i wouldnt choose to do it...

One couple we met and have played with before, whom i liked and enjoyed the time with them, so thats one good thing, well the man in the couple was a switch, he has been in contact recently asking if we could all meet up again, along with another couple,  he has asked Master if he would be willing to teach him and this other dom some skills, mostly related to s/m....whipping, caning etc, but also other things, things that dont appeal to me on any level, things i have not done and have no desire to do.

I thought Master was past this, it belongs in his past, (before i knew him) in my mind, i thought it was a road he had no interest in going back down, having done a lot of this sort of thing.

But it has perked his interest this time, a lot, enough that he is looking at possible dates, months away, as in early next year, for once im not complaining about him being busy!...will give me time to get adjusted and more receptive to the whole idea....i hope.

I get that we all have to start somewhere, to learn techniques, master implements etc and so of course did Master learn at some point, back in the days where none of this was trendy (his words, not mine) and if im going to be honest with myself i admit that a part of me finds it appealing to see his teaching skills in action, but i would prefer to just be a watcher!

Im getting myself worked up about it already and there is no definite date yet, even though when some of the times were good times it always caused this resentment on my part, at him, even though i know he would not put me intentionally in a situation that i couldnt all comes around to the fact that until one is in that moment, and its happening, how can he or i tell how im going to handle it?

And then this is when it causes a lot of resentment, i get frustrated with him because i cant get him to understand how i feel about it, im scared that i will hate it and i will blame him for putting me through it when i had told him i couldnt handle it.

What is 'it', blimey you know, to some its going to be no big deal, but then like everything, one persons fun is anothers nightmare...

certain scenarios have been mentioned, ones that fill me with dread, that will push me way out of my comfort zone, now i like getting pushed, i do, but with him alone, with others, even though i know it will all be under his direction, im not so keen comes back around to that fear of the unknown....will i be able to handle it.

He will say "I wouldnt push you unless I was very sure you can handle it"....but being sure is no certainty!

and i can anticipate his response to that "dont you trust me"

grrr...this is where i get frustrated with him, of course i bloody trust him, its not about trust, its simply about that its not something i want, and yeah i get its not always about what i want, dont need a lecture on that from him, but im sure one will be forthcoming closer to the time.

Now we will talk about it, he wont with me at the moment because its in such early stages, but closer to the time we will go through it, i can ask questions etc and he will to the best he can put my mind at rest, it helps somewhat.

He probably will be right, i probably may not like it so much at the time, but afterwards i will be buzzing, its happened before, and i do hope that this will be the case, its just getting through it that is the hard part.

How i am now, how its making me feel, getting worked up already, even though its months and months away, is just the start, the closer it gets the worse i will be, i have to try to not dwell on it, but well i will, i just, well i wasnt expecting meet ups anymore, i thought those times were done and dusted, its not something im wanting to go back to.

and this, all of this, all what im feeling, just amplifies how alone i feel at times, in the respect of that there is nobody to talk this through with that would understand, talking to him is all well and good...but its not the same as having someone that can see from my point of view, that can relate, its yeah lonely.

and this, is when i doubt i am the slave he expects me to be.

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Woke up to this email

I believe in God.I'm a Christian and I attend Church at least twice a month. 
Ideally, my match would be taller than me, but I can deal with it if you can. It is really important to me that my match be a committed Christian. I come from a very traditional background (parents are still married and all that good stuff) and it would be great to find someone with the same values. Beyond that, sense of humor is the one thing that will really determine if there is any future for a relationship beyond friendship.
Kindly respond with a substantial and lengthy e-mail with a photo.

Im going to say we are definitely not compatible!

Friday, 19 September 2014

on with the kink

3) How did you discover you were kinky?

when i had my first experiences, just opened up this whole new world for me

4) Any earlier experiences that in retrospect, hinted at your kinks?

Yes, but i dont mean to be evasive, but its not something im comfortable talking about

5)  What was your first kinky experience?

Being spanked otk by the first dominant i met, and i didnt like it lol, i still dont like it!

6)  Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy?

To be tied to a chair and watch him with another woman, to direct her in how to please him, what she should be doing etc...something i think best left as not sure i would be able to resist tearing her hair out!

7)  What's your favorite toy?

Cane.....although im guessing its meaning sex toy, in which case it would be vibrating egg

8)  Post a kinky image you find erotic


9)  Post a kink related song or video you enjoy


10)  What are your hard limits?

whatever the bossman says they are, he has lines he will not cross, thats all im saying about that

11)  What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Quite simply if one enjoys what they are doing and all are consenting.....go for it!

12) Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you?

Its fun, most of the time, it brings about such a vast array of emotions, i love the connection at those times between me and the bossman, i like having to endure, to be pushed past my confort zone...such a great high afterwards

13) How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?

real life does not always match up to the fantasies one may have in their head, fantasies allow us to explore things that we may find appealing but in the cold light of day would run a mile from!  and there is nothing wrong with that, as above when i stated a fantasy have, i know i would hate it in reality..doesnt stop me thinking about it though

14) Post about a BDSM/kink activity your curious about and would like to try?

Permanent marking via being branded.....coming soon!  hopefully, to mark 10 years together, and he is thinking a permanent mark via single tail whip, i have come around to that idea, i like the thought of one right across my back

15)  What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

Just embracing that its ok to be this way, to not feel this need to want to know why or explain why i am like i am

16)  What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

its not like 50 shades of Gray...thank fuck....

17)  Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves?

the whole idea of there being a 'right' quite happy to do it the wrong way ta very muchly

crikey was hoping to get all these done and out the way...but not happening tonight.

Thursday, 18 September 2014

So you got a shiny new toy.

Oops sorry, got distracted with the 30 days thingy...what can i say..i get distracted easily

DomJuandemarco asks (love the nic btw)

"Im new to being dominant, and I'm enjoying reading your blog, I have been with my slave for 3 months, I have all these scenarios and scenes I want to do with her, reading here has given me much inspiration, but she is not as keen or even willing, shouldn't she just obey?, thank you in advance.

An analogy, coz i like them

A young lad, or girl, has just passed their driving test and they get a new car, yay, they can go where-ever they like, they go faster than they should but they dont think about it because its new, exciting, this new found freedom.  The car is pushed to its limits, more than what it is capable of, the lad/girl push on regardless, not taking much notice of the warning signs the car is giving out, starts with little, minor faults that could be put right but they are not and eventually it breaks down.

It is i think in the beginning quite common to get carried away with the newness of ttwd, not just the dominant but the submissive as well, but as the dominant one needs to have control over themselves, as well as their submissive, she needs to trust you and if you push too hard too fast and force her into something she is not ready for.....well, thats not going to build up trust any time soon.

3 months is not long at all, in the first 3 months with my Master, yeah i wanted it all NOW, and although he pushed me at times, he kept it at a pace that i could reasonably manage with.....what we do now, kink wise and the level of control he has over me, if he was like that straight off....well lets just say there more than likely would not have been another 3 months!

Start slowly, work on what you both enjoy, take the time to get to know her, lots and lots of communication....that really cant be stressed enough, play, have fun with exploring, learn about each other.

Obedience shouldnt be forced, it needs to come willingly, i strive to be obedient, but honestly sometimes im not, i have blips as i call them, where perhaps im testing his authority over me, pushing to see how far i can get, this is more common in the beginning i think, because (or as it is/was in my case) i needed to know his dominance/control over me was unwavering.

But most of all, because its worth repeating, talk, talk and talk some more, listen to her, the best way of getting to know ones submissive, is to learn to read her, and the only way your going to be able to do that is by talking and listening.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014

More truths

I am determined to get through all of these, coz im terrible for procrastinating!

13)  A band or artist that has got you through some tough ass days (write a letter)

Not writing a letter, my tastes are varied, i suppose the closest i can come to in this respect is when preparing for my final exams i listened to a lot of Queen.

14)  A hero that has let you down (letter)

Again not doing a letter lol, Not exactly a hero but Lance Armstrong, such a let down, not just to himself, but those who supported him and his fans.

15)  Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you have tried living without it?

Lets go with something.  wow, im struggling with this one!  im going to go with dope (bet you was not expecting that lol), i started smoking it in college, not a heavy amount by any means, i stopped when i got pregnant, missed it, not in the addicted sense but its relaxing.

I started smoking it again after having my children, i can go weeks, months without smoking it, but after a damn good s/m session its a great way to wind-down, the bossman enjoys it too, one of my favourite things is after an s/m session, is having a bath together and sharing a joint.

16)  Someone or something you could definitely live without

Inflatable butt plug (when inflated to more than 3 pumps) cant even say its a love/hate thing...nope its all hate

17)  A book you've read that changed your views on something?

F**k It: The Ultimate spiritual way by John C friend bought me this book as im such a stress head, i loved it, there are others but this is one that sticks out for me as its the most recent one.

18)  Your views on gay marriage

Absolutely in support of it,

19)  What do you think of religion or what do you think of politics?

Strong views about both, not something im willing to go into here.

20)  Your views on drugs and alcohol


21)  (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident, and you two got into a fight an hour before, what do you do?

Get straight to the hospital, any fight, argument or row would be insignificant, its my friend.

22)  Something you wish you hadn't done in your life?

Got married

23)  Something you wish you had done in your life?

Spent more time with my children whilst they were very young...i worked a lot

24)  Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

Just one, Simply the best by Tina Turner, for the bossman, because well for me he is the best.

25)  The reason you believe your still alive today?

umm because its not my time yet

26)  Have you ever thought of giving up on life?  If so when and why?

nope, had many low points, but life is too precious to just give up on, no matter how bad we think it is, one needs to focus on what is worth living for, there is always something

27)  Whats the best thing going for you right now?

at this very hot steaming mug of coffee.  i guess thats not what is meant lol...ok....the promise of a visit to the room of doom(the dungeon) very soon..been too long,...i need beatings, lots of them!

28)  What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Have an abortion, and i would have the bossmans full support.

29)  Something you hope to change about yourself and why?

To not be such a worrier, and stress over things i have no control over, why? because its pointless, somethings i cannot change, or do anything about.

30)  A letter to yourself, tell yourself everything you love about yourself.


Yay i got through them all, ok passed on a few and perhaps not as much detail as expected but its done.

Monday, 15 September 2014

kinky things, 30..i might make it to the full 30, i might not

Ok, so like the 30 days of truth (which i know i still have to finish)  im breaking this down.

1)  Dom, sub, switch, slave?  What parts of BDSM interest you? give us an interesting, in-depth definition of what that means to you?  Basically define your kinky self for us.

Slave, my, or rather his definition of a slave is, one that is living it 24/7 tpe, completely giving oneself over to another, in everything.

Well, those who read me know what interests me, but a quick re-cap (im excluding being controlled/dominated as i dont define that as a kink or BDSM).

I love s/m, cane is my favourite implement, whips coming in a close second, bullwhips tend to be known as the most severe of all, in my opinion bollocks, any whip, or most implements can be severe, its all dependent on ones skill in using them and as for the recipient....well we all react/respond differently, i prefer thicker whips over the slim, fine ones, i can handle a bullwhip better than i can the dressage whip.....i like thud over stingy when it comes to most implements.

I enjoy brutal treatment at his hands, slaps to the face that send me to the floor, punching, hands around my throat squeezing tightly, i like the thrill of the fight when its hands/fists only...even though i know i wont win, i dont want to win.

Humiliation however does it for me more than s/m does, both in the physical and the verbal sense, and there is so much i enjoy about it.

2) List your kinks

Really?  ok well i have a lot, so lets keep it to 10 and i will try to throw in a few i might not talk about a lot

1.  Electrics...violet wand, tens, zapper

2.  Being kept in restrictive bondage for long periods of time

3.  Boot/foot worship.... its a ritual for us, gets me into a submissive headspace very quickly, its also one of the first things i will look to do if he is displeased with me as its humbling myself to him, demonstrating my deference to him

4. Orgasm denial.....long term, as in that it keeps me sexually stimulated, and it serves to remind me that his sexual gratification is more important than mine, keeps me focused on pleasing him sexually rather than thinking of my own pleasure is in pleasing him

5.  Being objectified......being used as a piece of furniture, footstool, table etc, anything that strips me of what makes me 'human' and in anyway equal to him or anyone else

6.  Blood....i love being cut just for the blood, needles, a beating that leaves me bleeding, he once let me cut him on his chest because i wanted to lick his blood from his body...that was so hot!

7.  Breath play...especially with the rubber hood which only has 2 thin nasal tubes, its the very fact that he literally has my breath and therefore my life in his hands

8.  Clamps and weights on nipples and of my love/hate things....its very painful but in an odd way i like the feel of it, keeps me very still which is his intention at times, as im such a fidget ass..until the bastard swings them

9.  Piss, everything about it, being peed on, being used as his urinal, being made to piss myself when fully dressed, being peed on whilst im dressed and being made to stay in, being watched while i pee, being denied use of toilet and making me pee in a bowl

10.  Being made to gag/be sick from having his cock forced down my throat, brutally face fucked

Friday, 12 September 2014

For the man

Because i know i havent been my best these last few weeks.

When i feel down,
i want you above me
When i forget myself,
i need you to remind me
When i lose myself
i need you to find me

You may be my Master, my Sir, my Owner, a dominant, a sadistic bastard and a dirty perv, but your a man, a man that has given me and shown me so much more than i could ever return.

It doesnt seem like its so many years ago that we stood in that room together, the first time we met, i didnt care about all the safe calls rules etc, and not playing on first meets, i was in awe of you, i was nervous, wasnt sure how to go about things, but i didnt need to worry about how/what to do, you took control laughing now when i remember when you said "strip" and i said "what you want me to take my clothes off".....shocked that you would ask such a thing!

So many, many firsts you have given me, some i was very eager about, others not so much, but now they are things i love...some i still dont like, but i trust you to know whats best, and i need to give you what you need.

The laughs at my naivety, "ooh there pretty nipple clamps, i like the chain, whats it for?" and you pulled it!......i screamed my head off, think i would have punched you if i hadnt had my hands cuffed behind my back.

The first time we had sex, i wasnt comfortable with myself, i wanted to hide my nakedness, you wouldnt allow it, i was conscious of being overweight, stretch marks, lumpy bits, you didnt care, and when your head starting heading between my legs, i was horrified, not had that done before (sad being as i was in my late 20's)

and it was awesome, couldnt believe i could cum from having that done!

I asked for weights and clamps on my labia, i had this silly notion in my head it would be nice!
Oh my god, it was horrible, you obliged, of course, and i should have known better from the evil grin on your face that it was not going to be as nice as i imagined!

as soon as you had put them on i was begging for them to come off...."too bad" you said as you swung them between my legs, beginning to think i had bitten off more than i could chew with you.

The first time i disobeyed you, i was topping from the bottom, acting the brat, to get what i wanted, the punishment was harsh, i got what i wanted, but a damn sight more than what was enjoyable, my first lesson in learning that obedience was important to you, and if i want something.....ask, bratty behaviour would not be tolerated.

Oh the fun we have during s/m, i tend to i think sometimes portray you on here as this cruel and nasty sadist, but we do have many laughs during s/m, you have a very wicked sense of humour which i love, and the desire for me i see on your face as your hurting me, giving me what i need, inspires me to want/take more for you.

and the cuddles, your arms wrapped around me as we drift off to favourite moment.

I know i have been needy/insecure as of late with all the work you have going on, being away etc, im missing the kink etc but i want you to know as much as love all of this, all of what i have said above about you/us......and you are my Master, my Owner etc, forget all the kink, the titles etc its the man i love.

Emotional masochism/humiliation?

ancilla_ksst asked

How did you discover emotional masochism? Was it something you knew you had or did he bring it out of you?  with examples?

Oh this one has had me thinking, hence why i have taken a while to get to it, i have had it in drafts because i started it and then wasnt happy with it lol

I think why im struggling with writing this is because for me its very much intertwined with verbal humiliation, in fact perhaps for me emotional masochism is verbal humiliation so im getting nowwhere in trying to separate the two...if that makes any sense!

hmm example..this sort of thing really gets me going, because what humiliation does for me, is it allows me to just completely let go, more than anything else does, no inhibitions...just bring it on, im a humiliation whore lol

"you want my piss bitch?"  and i dont want to admit i do, but yeah i do "beg me, show me how much you want it" and i do, and all the while he is saying things like "you disgusting slut, what sort of woman begs for piss" "have you no dignity, look at yourself, on your hands and knees, dirty filthy cunt"

"open your mouth" and he pisses into my mouth and again its just things like "you love it dont you bitch? being your Masters urinal, its all your good for?"

He is guarranteed a damn good fuck after something like that, i cant keep my hands off him, just brings out the slut in me.

But yeah thats the sort of emotional masochism that i enjoy, where im made to feel disgusting, worthless, total debasement.

Its definitely not something i knew i had in me, i had never even come across it, heard of it even before i got with the bossman, so i would say yes he brought it out of me, when he started exploring humiliation with me that it really came out.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Because sometimes it needs to be it or lump it i dont give a ****

I have pmt so that should give me a free pass in my mind, it wont, but nevertheless its going to be my defence..because somethings need to be said...ok and i might be in a bitchy mood

"I have been reading blogs in Blogger for a while now  but all you all seem to do is moan and complain, about how difficult it is, the issues you have, but yet you wanted it you state, so stop the dramatics, I don't have any of all these so called problems and I have been in an Master/slave relationship for years"


Yes you have, one that is primarily over a computer screen....oh and the occasional get together at his house for a fuck and a bit of hanky spanky when his wife is away.

I bow down to your experience and knowledge, i mean, what do i know, i have only been living it 24/7 for near on 10 years, im sure its much easier, and without problems when you can turn a button off after a couple of hours.

Oh, wait, its just as say.

Of course it is.

*wanders off laughing*

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Moments of truth

Well its meant to be 30 days of truth, but yeah well im doing it my way.....this blog and what i do on it is about the only thing i get to do my im making the most of it lol

Yeah i still have questions/topics to get to, and i will, im enjoying it.

1) Something you hate about yourself

Im not a very forgiving person, if someone hurts me or someone i care about, i dont get past it easily, even if they apologise, it just takes me a long time to trust them again, if i ever will.

2)  Something you love about yourself

Im kind, i have the attitude of that i hope i treat others how i would like to be treated myself....until they piss me off lol

3)  Something you have to forgive yourself for

Marrying the ex husband, i knew deep down i shouldnt have long before walking down the aisle, i married him for the wrong reasons, and i knew that, it was unfair to him

4)  Something you have to forgive someone for

My mother, we have a hmm difficult relationship to put it mildly, she has never failed to tell me throughout my later childhood (teens) and as an adult what a disappointment i am..getting pregnant young, and leaving childs dad whilst i was pregnant...not pursuing the career she wanted me to do, oh and so many more.

5)  Something you hope to do in your life

oh blimey lots of things, but number one would be (at the moment, its subject to change), i would like to go to a poorer/less advantaged country and volunteer in schools there

6)  Something you hope you never have to do

Bury my children

7)  Someone who has made your life worth living for

My children.....yeah alright bossman, you come in third

8)  Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit

My mother

9)  Someone you didnt want to let go, but just drifted

A best friend from childhood, our lives just went in completely different directions, she moved abroad and contact just started becoming less and less

10)  Someone you need to let go, or wish you didnt know

I want to say my mother, but there is a part of me that longs for us someday in the future to have a close relationship, so im going to go with a cousin of mine that sits in judgement of me and the choices i have made and make.

11)  Something people seem to compliment you on the most

Our home, but then i am ocd when it comes to cleaning, and well we have a lady come in once a week as well

12) Something you never get compliments on

my cooking, which i totally understand

Monday, 8 September 2014

Play with my mind

Joey asked about the mind games the bossman does with me.

I like being taunted, especially during s/m or humiliation, i think its because in those moments its the fear aspect...will he, wont he and not knowing either way where it will go, panicking, thinking he wouldnt do that to me? would he? he wouldnt go that far....but maybe he will!

What scares me the most though is sometimes, the things he says excite me, although im still fearful, in fact i think at times mindfucks are a good way of getting into my head, he can read me so well, even when i deny that i find something exciting.

So this is an example of what does it for me....


"Perhaps I should nail your tits to the floor, that would keep you on your knees"

and immediately im pleading, begging, bloody terrified that he will do this, genuinely scared because he has done it before, (not on me) so i know its a possibility.


"no, please, im being good, i will do anything you want, but please not that"


"but you havent been good, you were told to stay on your knees and you did not, yes you will do whatever I want now, and now I want to nail those tits to the floor"

and im crying, im kneeling now!

and he gets some nails and a small hammer, and im near on hysterical at this point, promises pouring out my mouth, clutching at his legs, sobbing, begging

"kneel right down, I want those tits to the floor"

and its funny, well not funny, but through the fear, crying etc i do it, still begging, well its more gabbling at this moment, struggling to find something, anything to say that might save me....

He crouches down, and im terrified, im not ready for this, his hand grabs my tit, and he just yanks it, pulling me up to my feet..

"look at me" he demands

"if this happens again, and you do not stay kneeling when told, this (and he is gesturing towards the nails) will not stop here as it has now"

and i have learnt the hard way, when he makes a threat, he will carry it out

But yeah, that sort of mindfuck, where i really believe he would, is what gets me going, its not so much that i want what he is saying, but its the fear that i love.

Friday, 5 September 2014

TGI Friday.......finding time......respect

From anon

"As a vanilla, who's interested in the lifestyle I wander how you manage a Master/slave relationship with kids in the house, especially young children who demand a lot of time and give you no privacy.  I'm also wandering if you have many specific rules and what they are (if you don't mind sharing) or a few general rules dealing with respect, safety etc.  Thanks"

There are many, many couples that are M/s or practise ttwd in general with a family in the house, so its doable, but thats not what your asking is it

Well for starters with my situation, my children are from a previous relationship, my Master has no children of his own, mine are aged 12 and 17 so not young children either.

I think its mostly about being sensible, and being cautious about what they are exposed to, but realistically, especially when they are older they are more aware than what one may think, of what is happening around them.  But the advantage of them being older, if they are picking up on something that concerns them or they are just curious about, then they know its up for discussion if they want, although i would be as sensitive as i could be about what information i gave, i would always be honest with them.

But one only has to mention sex, and kid usually wants to hear about their mum/dads sex life.....because of course im old (38) and shouldnt even be having sex, let alone enjoy it!

Like any relationship with children, regardless of whether its ttwd or not, managing time together and privacy can be a hurdle at times, but its important to make time, we try to organise a weekend every month or so where we have it to ourselves, kids with their dad usually, so we get some well needed us time.

I have a lot of specific rules, but mostly its about being pleasing and obedient, but some that pertain to respect and safety are..

I should always speak to him with respect, not allowing my temper/emotions to get the better of me

I am expected to ask for something i might like, (there are exceptions, for example i am not allowed to ask if i may masturbate/orgasm) and if i receive a "no" im to accept that with grace (im still working on that lol) , a "no" is final, however a "perhaps" or "maybe" allows room for begging...he likes begging!  especially if i offer myself up to something i dislike and beg him to subject me to it

I address him as Sir or Master at all times when appropriate (i have actually never addressed him with his real name), serves to remind me that he is not a partner, lover or friend, although he is all of those he is my Owner first and foremost

I am to inform him if im not feeling well in any way

We dont use a safeword, if something is wrong that shouldnt be, i just say what that is, as a point of note in case it comes up, if im gagged/in subspace, it means he is that extra attentive, ie checking in with me often that all is ok.

Thanks for the questions.

Security problem/email hacked

I have had my email account hacked, the one that i use for here, im posting about it because i have emailed with some of you and im conscious that however/whomever hacked me may well have your email addresses, i hope that this is not the case, and it does not cause any issues for you.

I have now changed password to said email account, and it is now Norton protected (it wasnt before).

Oh gosh, somebody may well be getting a shock if they have been reading through some of the emails, especially naughty ones i have sent to Master when he has been away!

But anyway, im now being extra cautious and deleting emails as soon as they have been read, something i didnt tend to do very regularly.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

Constant control

Im going in order, and so this one is next

"I love reading about the relationship you have with your Bossman, what is it about being so strictly controlled that appeals to you so much? how did it start to get to where you are now?"

Its my first love lol.

To explain, being told what to do etc was what i first fantasised about, albeit it was centred around the bedroom, sex, the whole idea of a taking charge kind of man turned me on.

I wasnt so sure about it being outside the bedroom initially, but then it wasnt something that entered my mind, but when i first explored this in reality i discovered that it just wasnt enough being bedroom only.

I need and like consistency and being strictly controlled provides that, my reason being that from the start expectations are explained, expectations on behaviour, what is allowed, what isnt etc and they dont change, of course there may be exceptions and if this happens they are discussed, explained, but basically it helps establish stability within the dynamic ie i know where i stand, it prevents uncertainty on my part knowing he is not going to change his mind on a whim.

So in the beginning, he set out some expectations/rules, whatever you want to call them, not too many so to avoid overload but simply to set the ground works, also i think to see how i responded to them and perhaps more importantly to see if this was suited for me.

As our relationship progressed more would be added as and when he felt it was appropriate until such a time it all became the norm, and the rules/expectations all come under the umbrella of simply being obedient and pleasing because i should have a firm understanding by now of whats expected of me, what his preferences are etc.

Im finding it difficult to put a finger on how it exactly appeals to me, i think perhaps because its constant, always here, his control over me surrounds me all the time, regardless of whether he is with me or not whereas kink etc is something we do on occasions....if that makes any sense?

It makes me feel secure, i like having firm boundaries, and i love his authority over me....umm most of the time lol

Its funny though, but after a while, and we have been doing this many years now, it does all become so normal (whatever normal is!) that its not really noticed much, or rather its not such a big deal because its just the way it is.

Now im off to reply to comments before i get too far behind!

Monday, 1 September 2014

3 posts, 1 day

Will reply to comments, but in order to clear my mind of negativity, and anon i will reply further to the comments on the rabbit hole post, but i need a bit of ordinaryness (that may not be a word, but it is now) if that makes sense.

Last week was back to school shopping, its probably the worst kind of shopping for me, ok apart from when i was out with the bossman shopping for socks for him...but not going there!

So yes, one 12 year old girl, who thinks she is 16, one 17 year old, who thinks its perfectly reasonable to pay £1110 for a laptop and cannot understand my outright "no" and sons 17 year old girlfriend who really should have her mobile surgically attached to her ear cos she never seemed to be off it..well

it made for one stressed out mum!

I ended the day downing nearly a whole bottle of wine, sod the consequences, well that was my attitude then.

A long day of

"I dont need to try it on, it will fit"......."Im not going through this again, your damn well trying it on"

"Im not wearing that, grannies wear skirts like that"....."your not wearing a skirt that is more like a belt either"

"everybody (huge over-dramatic emphasis on the everybody) wears some make-up to school"...."I dont care what everybody does, your not"....a full on sulk followed where i didnt get spoken to for about an was lovely while it lasted.

Oh and getting the shoes, bless her she has size 9 feet which for a 12 year old makes it quite difficult to get suitable shoes, girly ones, she argued that its ok to have heels...does she think im that gullible that its acceptable to have 3 inch heels? apparently so, umm no nor are bright greens for school!

4 shoe shops later, we compromise on a pair, but then it was trainers for both of them.....i must be getting old, trainers are trainers arent they?  oh no, no, no, its about having the right style, the right colour, the right label, "mum, Nike was like last year.......its about Vans now"  and im meant to give a fuck about all of this?

I confess i caved because it was either caving in or losing my rag in the middle of Sports Direct,

All this before lunch time.

I think i did well to wait until the evening before i hit the bottle.

I am quite sure

Im not sure what im doing sometimes, even why im doing all of this, not blogger, this, the whole submitting thing.

thats all i have to say about that.

Apologies but im rather annoyed with him at the moment, and thats putting it politely, i will stop there before i say something that gets me in the shit.

7 deadly sins.......Pride

McKitten suggested a series of posts around the seven deadly sins, so to get started im going to go with pride, and its place in my relationship.

Excerpt from wikipedia

"In almost every list pride is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and the source of all the others, its is identified as believing that one is essentially better than others, failing to acknowledge the accomplishments of others, and excessive admiration of the personal self"

I have to say im not sure i  agree with the above statement, or perhaps it depends on how one is interpretation the meaning of pride.

I take pride in my submission because i want to be the best i can be, for myself and of course my Master, i take pride in what areas i know im good at, but i can also acknowledge what my faults are, being a mouthy sarcastic bitch at times would be one of those faults!.....there are many more lol

I would hazzard a guess that more people find it difficult to say "i am good at this, i know what im doing, and i do it well" because it may come across as being arrogant, being a know-it-all, but why shouldnt we take pride in our accomplishments?

However, stay on topic tori, pride as a sin....bloody hell, i am struggling with this!

Although i think having pride in oneself is acceptable, it can be taken too far, when one perhaps is full of self importance, and that trait is something that would not be welcome in my relationship, and i have been guilty of it, back in the beginning of this long journey...which i get frequently lost on.

When the bossman spoke to me of enslavement i became wrapped up in the idea of being a slave, not paying much attention to what it meant, it didnt matter what it a slave....go me!  I had a sense of being 'better' than those lowly submissives, i was super slave, would do anything, no limits....ok give me a break....i was deluded, it took a while for reality to hit me...and when it hit me hard....and ya know sometimes it still hits me hard today.

So looking back to my attitude then, it wasnt nice, i recall when we was with another couple and the other sub was being caned by her Master, and the bossman was going to cane me afterwards, i remember feeling quite smug because i knew i could take a longer, harder caning, which i did, and i was proud, not that it was competitive but still i was up my own ass and full of it....the bossman was not pleased with this attitude and i was brought down to earth in a not very pleasant way, he was not proud of me.

That sort of pride, yeah i can see it as a deadly sin, it doesnt make one like-able because its not nice.

Saturday, 30 August 2014

Going down the rabbit hole

Anon asked

"Do you ever worry how far your masochism will go or take you?  and how much more you may mentally desire compared to what your body/skin can tolerate.  If today it is 1 needle, tomorrow will it be 10, 20, 100?  Without the care from a good dominant to say, no enough, do you ever wander how far the rabbit hole will go?"

I used to worry about it a lot in the beginning when i realised and accepted my masochism, perhaps because it was all so new and i was discovering all these things that excited me, turned me on, that yes it would worry me about how far i would go.

I still do at times now, but those moments are fleeting, i wander perhaps this is a common train of thought for most masochists?

Mentally there are certainly times i desire more that what my body/skin can take, an example of this is back a while ago when my Master was caning me.

Im very receptive to the cane (most of the time) and can take a severe caning, usually slip into subspace quite easily and when i do, its almost like i cross the pain barrier, it just no longer hurts, its more of a pleasant thuddy sensation.

This particular time i was floating in my own little world whilst the caning continued, then i realised the caning had stopped, i was annoyed, i was enjoying the sensations, i wanted more, i asked for more, but he refused which quite frankly pissed me off, i begged that i could take more, still he would not...and mentally i could have taken more...but

physically i could not, which i realised when he released me from the table and i looked in the mirror, my ass/thighs were a bloody mess, literally a bloody mess, much more caning and the risk of permanent damage would have been high.

So thinking about what you said about if today it is 1 needle, tomorrow will it be 10 etc (which btw, as i love needles, 1 would never be enough and nor would 10 lol) i do think elements of s/m can be addictive, or rather the sensations that come along with certain activities.

So if indeed these are sensations that one derives pleasure from, and enjoys the activity it stands to reason that one will seek more, or perhaps as it is in my case, i do tend to want to seek out new edges, to find a new high, and the s/m spectrum is so diverse i could keep going for a long, long time.

When or if it gets to a point that my Master, and myself to a certain extent, no longer finds enjoyment from engaging in such activities, then that is when it will stop.

Thankfully i consider my Master a good dominant, and he is an experienced sadist so i try not to worry about how far down the rabbit hole i will go, because i know i have him as my safety harness and he will say "no, enough", but yes i think if i was in different hands, that of a dominant that really didnt give a care about my mental or physical well being then i could potentially be dropped down the rabbit hole a lot further than i could emotionally/physically handle.

Thanks for the question, i hope my reply answered it sufficiently.

Friday, 29 August 2014


Thanks for the help, a lot of material to keep me posting for a good while, and im going to get onto them as from Monday, but first something on my mind due to a recent comment has me needing to get this down...coz its bugging me.

On a recent post i received a comment that has since been removed by me, i very rarely will remove a comment, can count on one hand the times i have, but this particular one made me very uncomfortable in that the commentator asked me about something which could if one is resourceful enough reveal my identity as well as my Masters, unlikely i would like to think, but not a risk im willing to take.

It generally is a respected rule of thumb that when one attends clubs, functions or even private interactions with others within this lifestyle that privacy is a must, and many use aliases such as perhaps their online nickname to keep their identity private, lets face it, i doubt many here within blogger use there real name!

Sometimes one does use their real names, my Master and i have at times when in the past we have engaged in the public arena, at those times, as stated above it is expected that all involved privacy is respected.

Now i have blogged about times we have met with others, in these cases i have asked if they minded, which they have not, some i have not blogged about at all, those that i have blogged about their identities have not been revealed and i used aliases, and omitted details.

There are some things i dont blog about, not because of being ashamed or anything but well somethings i like to keep private, and this was the issue as well i had with the comment i removed, and well im sure most of us here dont reveal every teeny weeny details of what they get up to...ok some might, nothing wrong with that, but well i dont.

ok so it wasnt something that was a big deal, what they mentioned particularly, but still its not something i have chosen to blog about here.

ok rant over.

Thursday, 28 August 2014


Im struggling on what to write, i dont want to keep resorting to the drafts folder, although i do want to empty it, i would rather do so periodically, so please dear bloggy friends give me some inspiration, topics, questions, anything..well apart from asking the bossman...he is not allowed on my blog....its mine, all mine...doesnt have to be kink related..pleasssssseeee.

edited to add..otherwise im going to be resorted to blogging about my dont want me to become a cat lady do you really?

Safely behind bars...or not

Fiona has wrote a lovely post about being caged you should go check it out, she asked in reply to a previous comment i made on one of her posts if i have wrote about being caged, i have, cant find the bloody post, this is where having labels would be a serious help....should do that!

So i will write about the most recent experience with it, being caged is seriously hot....well ok i think it is.

The cage is generally somewhere i see as a sanctuary, somewhere i can rest and sleep, recover after a particularly hard session, sometimes its incorporated into a scene.

I wasnt coping too well with the whipping, i just couldnt seem to get into it, i was struggling, if i wasnt restrained to the cross, i would have never stayed on it, Master decided a break was in order.  After undoing the restraints he motioned for me to get in the cage, crawling into it was a welcome reprieve, i needed to calm down, and refresh.

Master placed a bowl of water in the cage before locking the door closed, i love the humiliating, perhaps degrading aspect of this, being treated similarly to a dog chained up, being on hands and knees lapping up the water.

Its interesting being caged, i tend to find that i instinctively try to open the door, even though i know its locked, its not going to open until such a time as he chooses to open it, i still have this need to try it, no idea why, its a different feeling than being in bondage, cant quite put my finger on why, perhaps its because rather than parts of my body being restricted, my body in itself is free, but as a whole im contained.

Curling up, i watch Master as he cleans and puts away some of the implements, a part of me hoping that the whipping will not resume, but its a false hope, i always get what he has determined i will get, and i know he is not finished.

But for now im safe, Master sits back on a chair, with a drink, watching me as i am watching him, i cant help but smile at him, quite a difference to 20 minutes beforehand when i was calling him every name under the sun, not complimentary names!

A grin spreads across his face as he gets up, a grin i know so well, a grin which means something horrid has entered his mind, horrid for me.

Opening a draw he pulls out the electric zapper, horrible, horrible thing, you know electric fences that can often be found around fields in farmland, if you have ever touched one of those, well the sensation is similar to that, not extremely painful, but well a shock!

As he walks towards me, im pleading "no", trying to back away, pushing myself as far against the bars as i can, but its not far enough, not enough hands to protect myself either, zapp on my thigh, my stomach, dammit im meant to be safe in here.

"are you ready to come out and finish your whipping?" he asks

well gee let me think on that, its either stay in here and be zapped or come out and be whipped....played a similar game to this before, i remember thinking i would take what i thought was the easier option to avoid what i didnt want....and yeah what was the result......oh yes....i didnt avoid what i didnt want, all i achieved was getting the easier option and then still getting what i didnt other words i just made it worse for myself....not this time.

"im ready"

He unlocks the door, and reluctantly i crawl out, kissing his boots before standing to get back on the cross.

"good girl"

"bastard" my head mind!

Tuesday, 26 August 2014

What happened next

*Im sorry i didnt intentionally put out a post that was sort of left hanging, i got pissed off with losing the post i was writing so dug out one from the drafts folder, if i was paying more attention i would have put out the following post as well at the same time*

Somethings i was thinking about when we went to bed last night, but i didnt want to bring up then because you was tired, was when i was giving M a blowjob he had me positioned on the floor in the 69 position and was using his fingers to pleasure me.....but when c was sucking your cock you made no move to bring her to orgasm, and i was/am curious as to why not?....and i have to admit im glad you didnt, it doesnt bother me to see you being pleasured, but i dont like the thought of you giving pleasure to that wrong of me?

Also, i felt awkward because i didnt cum, i thought about faking it but then thought if i did and he knew i was faking it that would be worse i think than not cumming at all, i tried to, but well, im just not attracted to him, he doesnt do it for me, and the whole scenario simply didnt turn me on, im sorry i tried, but it didnt.

Anyway, i was a bit apprehensive when M asked if he could use the violet wand on me, i know we have done it before but well this was different, M asked me to sit on the sofa next to c and he alternated between us both with the wand, ok i admit i enjoyed it, i love the tingly sensation, but what really put me at ease was when you said i was not to cum and M pulled a face as though to commiserate with me, made me chuckle.

I did cum, i find it difficult not to when its so stimulating, and i did try not to, but you know i struggle with keeping it under control, well ok i keep forgetting to say when im close, i thought you might not notice, but you did, how the bloody hell do you know?

You wanted to see me ride the wooden pony, you didnt say as much but i wander if it was because i had cum?  its horrid, trying to balance and keep straight up but there is no avoiding the need to lower oneself and the wood pushing into my pussy was painful, its torture, but then thats its intent isnt it.

As i was on the horse you was flogging c, it was odd because i was more jealous watching you flog her than i was when she was sucking your cock, and im finding it difficult to articulate why that is, i just didnt like it, perhaps it had something to do with the fact that whilst i was suffering i had to listen to her groans of pleasure...maybe.

Finally was allowed off the horse, you asked me if there was something i would like, and i requested a caning, i know i was still a bit sore from the previous night, but you know i love being caned, again i wander if you sensed i was not a happy bunny, because i really felt that i was getting the short straw?

 You had me bend over the back of the sofa, and ha ha i loved it, every stroke was just bliss, i was so settled into it and enjoying it, it was like nobody else existed, i forgot about M and c watching, just caught up in my own little world.

Oh and what was those thimble like things that M put on my nipples? i didnt want tos hurt his feelings, but it was like he was expecting some major reaction from me, and quite honestly they did nothing for me, not painful, uncomfortable, nor erotic either, just nothing!

I know its an issue with me playing with others, how i feel about it etc, but im still not sure how i feel about it still, i do it because it pleases you, and yes there are elements i enjoy but im still not comfortable with it that i would choose off my own back to do it.