Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Would rather stick pins in my eyes

I have to do this talk for work in front of a room full of adults at a seminar next Monday, they have come up before and normally the head of Senco does them, i have been asked before if i would but have managed to avoid it, now im being told i have to as the head has prior comittments....and im bloody terrified.

Put me in a room full of children im fine, competent, confident and i love it, a room full of adults and im the opposite, my colleagues have said i will be fine, im good at what i do so it shouldnt be a problem.....but there not getting it!

I am good at my job, dont like the paperwork aspect (who does?) but i genuinely enjoy working with children..thats why i went down this career route...not to stand and talk in front of adults about it..not a whole room full, no exageration but its making me a nervous wreck thinking about it.

I define as having an introvert personality, im not a lover of parties, huge gatherings, i have a small circle of friends and im happy to be in my own company, just give me a good book and i could escape for days without feeling the need for human contact...of course thats not realistic but if it was i would be content.

Yeah perhaps confidence, or lack of is a part of it, im not confident in social settings, i can get by when i need to but im more at ease with people i know and that know me.  Im actually a full on chatterbox and will natter away with those i know and are used to me and on here 'blogland' i can natter, but if this was a 'munch' and in person i would be quiet sitting on the sidelines just content to listen.

The bossman is slightly the opposite, he would not be comfortable in a room full of children but talking to a crowd of adults is no problem but then part of what he does is getting paid to do talks, he has done radio and television so his confidence in that arena is far superior to mine but then thats experience as well.

So im sitting here today trying to write this damn talk but at the same time thinking of how to get out of it....even thinking of pulling a 'sickie' and i know thats really bad but the thought of public humiliation (which is so not my thing lol) is making me feel sick.


He doesnt like being told "no" from me that is, unless its a 'no' that means a yes...and they (men) say we are confusing!

When he asks something of me that really at that time im not wanting to do for any particular reason, maybe i just dont feel like it then i tend to say "if it pleases you" this tells him that i dont want to but i will of course submit and i do whatever he has asked.

The no that means a yes times are when we sit talking about us more precise is when he taps into the fantasies in my head and he will mention something specific and i protest that "no not interested in that at all" and he will smile that infuriating all knowing smug grin.

He will ask why im not interested and i hate this because its hard sometimes to verbalise why so i go for the option of "dont know" and i fall into this trap nearly everytime because he never just accepts that as an answer oh no.

He will start describing a fantasy and i put on this act of not being interested and he always asks "are you wet" and i always say "no"....seriously its like this near on everytime like its become a game, and he will put his hand between my legs and yeah of course im wet and he well yeah he just does that smug grin.

He never brings me to is playing the game....and of course im horny at this point and he moves in for the kill "dont you want to please me?" yeah but im still not going to admit that actually that fantasy does turn me im going to hold out for as long as possible...i will win this time.

He continues "you know that it turns you on, you can protest, you can deny, but we both know that no matter what ideas I put in your head and the more filthier and nastier they are, you love it, you want it"

"Isnt that right slut?"

only one answer to that....


Monday, 25 February 2013

Hidden in plain view

In the garden there is a pole, cemented into the ground with a length of chain attached near to the top and falling to perhaps half way down the pole, its a whipping post, cuffs are attached to the chain when in use.

The pole is situated to the left side of an outbuilding, its a fairly large building, about the same as a double garage, perhaps bigger, it has windows which are curtained and it sits in the very back of the garden.  Its kept locked.

The outbuilding is the 'play' room/dungeon or as i call it the room of doom, although its not all doom many pleasures are had in there as well.

Inside it is mostly open plan, there is a small cubby hole to make coffee/tea  and there is a wet room large enough for 2 bodies.  The 'furniture' consists of St Andrews cross, spanking/caning bench  designed so that the top half of the body is fully laid down and the lower half splits in to 2 pieces for legs, so the effect is you are bent over with legs wide, exposed and secured...basically like a hands and knees position.

There is a long padded bench, which is just simply flat, it has a built in cage underneath, the middle of the room is dominated by the suspension rig which works via a pulley.  There is a large chest of drawers, full of the little bits and bobs, clamps, needles, weights, cuffs etc, a large ornamental vase holds an array of canes.  One wall has a row of hooks for the various whips, crops, paddles...and there is a sofa for 'down time'.  Its carpeted throughout...well obviously apart from the wet room.

Its funny i remember thinking when he first introduced me to the outbuilding, aside from the horror/excitement of 'what the fuck have i got myself into' that what must people think, how do you explain that.

And you know people look past it, they accept on the rare occassions a query is made that the pole is whats left of an old washing line that used to be there, the building houses old 'stuff', you keep it simple it and no more is thought of it.  The children pay no mind to it because no big deal is made out of it..its understood that its kept locked to keep the 'stuff' safe and thats it..why elaborate!

I wander being the nosy person that i am would i be so easily blindsighted if i was on the outside looking in, i suppose its similar in a way to being submissive, or/and being in ttwd, its not something you or others 'see' its something you are...its just there.

Saturday, 23 February 2013

Drumming fingers

Im feeling that i dont have a lot to say, i mean there is only so many times that one can write about M/s, submission, slavery s/m, bondage and all that it entails before you wind up coming back around full circle again. 

I am seriously lacking inspiration.

I like doing as im told, i dont have the struggles with submission and being controlled much (yes there are odd wobbly moments) i enjoy being bashed around, but there is only so many times you can talk about being whacked about before it becomes stale. 

I think thats how im feeling with this blog at the moment..stale.  I dont want to end up just writing for the sake of having a post out, thats not what this blog was intended for.

Think i will go and pester the bossman for inspiriation, failing that a good beating will do.

Thursday, 21 February 2013

teenage angst..oh and like its a picnic for me

I have come to the conclusion that blogger hates me, yeah im getting parinoid and taking it personal, apparently now i dont follow any blogs! unless i log off and back on every time i refresh, and i can reply to comments on my own blog but only when it chooses to let me! at the moment its choosing not...goddamit im being dominated by blogger and im about to go switch on its ass...i will not be beaten.

My son announced yesterday that he doesnt see the point in taking any more of his exams this summer because "dad says i can can go work for him" oh did he, well thats just great, is this the same dad that makes you and your sister promises and maybe one in ten times might keep them? is it? is this the same dad that didnt turn up last Saturday to your rugby match when he promised he would?

Do i say that? no, im trying very hard to not run him down, he is there dad after all, and of course they worship him because he doesnt follow the rules, he treats them as his mates (when he actually spends time with them), me im the horrid parent that keeps them to a routine, gets on their case about homework, makes sure there eating well etc...

Long, stressful talk later with said wanderful dad he agrees to tell our son that he cant work with him and he must sit his exams and go on to college as he previously wanted to...and why do i have this horrid feeling im going to be the worst person in the world...because of course as my son tells me "you enjoy ruining my life" oh the joy of teens.

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Blogging bonkers and an accidental comment delete

Lovely welcome lie-in this morning as its the school holidays, paperwork to do which i will get around to, yeah im a procastinator!  blogger seems to being a bit more co-operative today, its actually updating my blogroll...i shall check out shortly if its letting me reply to comments on my posts, im not ignoring people honestly.

Bossman is busy with work, i seem to say that a lot and im feeling..i want to say neglected but thats overly dramatic, perhaps a little needy.

Im going to apologise, and whats worse im not sure who im apologising to, i was left a comment but it went to spam folder and i deleted it by not leaving it unticked, when i mass deleted, so if whoever you are reads this im sorry i wasnt being dissmissive of your comment.

You asked if i recall, not word to word my memory isnt that good lol if there is any resentment over being told no to something i wanted? and testing me? not sure what was meant by that?

I would love to say no not at all but that would be stretching the truth, although im not sure i would say its resentment i feel, probably more sometimes its a twinge of disappointment really it depends on what it is i wanted and how much i wanted it, mostly i will just shrug a "no" off because he is consistent in that a no is a no, nothing i say or do will change that so its best to just resign myself to that.

Testing? like as in setting me up to fail? or saying no just for the sake of it?  He doesnt do this, most definitley not setting me up to fail, he simply doesnt 'play' those sorts of games, he will only ever ask of me what he knows im able to do, i may not like or want to do xyz but there is still the expectation that i will do it...i guess its that difference between cant or wont, cant is acceptable, wont is not.

When he says no its at his discretion, depends really again on what it is, if its appropriate he will explain why its a not meaning to be vague but its just well circumstance dependent.

Monday, 18 February 2013

Musings on trust

Insecurity is not nice and being as im someone that has really insecure moments where i dont think rationally im aware of the effects it can have on a relationship, rather the effects it can have on us, how much can one person take of someone's neediness.

I dont think being needy is necessarily a 'bad' thing in the context of our dynamic, he likes elements of me being needy, that i am dependent on him, i need his authority, control etc, but the neediness im talking about is borne from insecurity and perhaps a lack of self confidence.

Sometimes albeit not as often as i used to i would get 'down' moments of thinking im not worthy of him, surely he would be better off with someone else, when i displeased him i would beat myself up that i simply wasnt good enough, i wanted/want to be this perfect slave and anything less was failure on my part.

I would get parinoid that he was going to leave me, that i would be released and i would get irrational, panicking over what im going to do..oh it would snowball, rather than talk to him when i first had these thoughts, oh no not me i would dwell on them and my behaviour would change, he would notice but i would deny what i was thinking.

The beating myself up started stopping when he started punishing me when i did displease him, it was the whole being held responsible for my actions and i needed to be that helped..not that i enjoy punishments but rather i need the absolution. 

The rest of my insecurities havent been that easy to deal with, on having a discussion with him recentley for the millionth time (ok slight exaggeration) he put it to me that perhaps it was that i didnt trust him enough....i balked at that.

I do trust him, i trust him to make decisions for me and for us, i trust that he will keep me safe, i trust his judgement etc, but then i really started thinking about it.

If i do trust him then i should trust that he isnt just going to leave me high and dry, i should trust that i am good enough for him and that to him i am the perfect slave, me thinking any less than that is not trusting his judgement to know what he wants.

and there it always comes down to trust.

Bulldozed by a 2 year old

Its gone midnight, i have snuck out of bed because i was just lying there wide awake, this post might get published tonight if its not realised im missing and i get dragged back to bed!

I should be tired, while they all went out to the movies and bowling i was looking after a friends daughter while she worked (the normal babysitter is sick), i have forgot how much energy a 2 year old has, well she is 22 months old..close enough.

The house is not child proofed because mine are 10 and 15, she seemed to take great delight in emptying any drawers and cupboards that she could get to, we had a minor incident when she pulled the telephone off the sideboard and it fell on her head, i seriously forgot how much a 2 year old can scream (she is fine), i think it was more the shock rather than it really hurting.

The dog took refuge in the laundry room, i desperatley wanted to join him.

I remembered that spaghetti bolognase is not a good choice of lunch to give a toddler, well it is but its messy, so bath and change of clothes later she decides to nap..phew! that lasted less than an hour before the damn dogs barking woke her up, and then she was crying for her mum..understandably, i get that..i was close to crying for my mum at this point.

How the hell looking back did i survive through it with both of mine.  The funny thing is you do get through it because you have to, and damn it goes so quick and before you know it there growing up and it all seems a blur in the background.  I remember finding it difficult when there at the toddler stage, it can be hard work, yes absolutley the good times far outweigh the tiredness etc, sometimes how i wish mine were small again...goes too fast.

So im up and awake, think i will go clean the kitchen now.

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Thats a first (removal of post)

I have removed my last post, not retracted a post before, not that i can recall, i dont like doing it because i tend to stand by what i write, even if later i have a different opinion what i wrote at the time is what i thought/think.

I have many posts in my back catalogue, published ones that i think differently about but i dont remove them because well they show growth etc.

I am going to address that here in ttwd, in bloggerland i do think we are for the most part accepting of others regardless of their situation, there might be the odd debate, heck there is even the odd post that causes a wave throughout our little corner of the world.  I have noticed that on certain occassions we will get on the defensive if we feel that one of us in bloggerland is being treated unfairly..usually anonymous comments that cause the furor (spelt right?).

Some might say i have no morals because ...and i quote from a recent message about my last post (now removed) "support those having affairs behind their spouses backs, do you have morals"

I am not going to condemn people for the choices they make, right or wrong its really none of my business and i dont know the ins and outs of their lives. 

I have the choice to read whatever blogs i like, no-one forces me to read them much the same as no-one is forced to read mine.

Ok i feel better for getting that off my chest.

Friday, 15 February 2013

I get it now

My gran whom passed away a few years ago was a huge influence on me growing up, more so than anyone else, she had these sayings one of which was 'once a man, twice a child' she would say in reference to my grampy at times, (in a light heartened manner, as this post is intended to be!) i didnt get it, for a long time i couldnt make sense of what she was getting at.

This morning i was woken at 6.23 am, (i know it was this time because i was cursing at the glowing numbers) my alarm does not go off until 7am, its an unwritten rule that disturbing me before then will be at your own risk, i heard raised voices and banging so thought i better go and investigate.

Threw my bathrobe on and headed downstairs, stopped at the bottom of the stairs when i realised it wasnt a full on argument, but rather there are the 3 of them in the kitchen all bickering over who ate all of the chocolate coco pops and the noise was cupboards being pulled apart looking for more.

I now think i know what she meant.

I turned around and crept back up to the bedroom before any of them noticed me and i got interrogated, after my alarm had gone off and i was up and about sorting the children out for school, i received a text:

"we need coco pops, did you have the last of them?" 

Yep im definitley getting what she meant.

So im off to buy them now to prevent further crisis in the household.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Wired up not quite right but not wrong either

I used to think i wasnt wired up right especially in the sense of sex, when i was a teenager and my friends started exploring boys and consequently sex i simply had no interest, in boys or sex, i didnt masturbate and well it just didnt interest me at all on any level.

My first boyfriend wasnt until i was 17 and i was 18 when i lost my virginity to him, he was much older than me and we were together for a couple of years, the sex was ok but then i had nothing to measure it by.  I wasnt confident enough to discuss these desires i had in my head, so they lay dormant, he would get frustrated with me because i wasnt sexually adventurous.

When it ended i got married, very quickly afterwards, looking back now yes probably on the rebound.  That marriage is not something i dwell on, i dont talk about it. The sex was a huge issue as in i had no sex drive, it was a chore, but i have 2 beautiful children, and thats that.  Closed subject.

First dom, hmm i think i have mentioned him before well sex was a large part of it and for me it was more about exploring myself and my desires, we was not compatible on many levels and it ended, not long after starting, but i had explored enough to know i wanted more and a little more knowledge of what 'more' i wanted.

The bossman, well he can be arrogant at times, but credit where its due he reads people very well and as a dominant he is damn good (yes of course im biased), sex was not a subject we discussed much in the beginning (online chats and phone) which i found bewildering, the conversations were part vanilla and part about him asking me what i wanted, what i felt about things from putting the world to rights to kink related subjects.

Im not confident when it comes to sex, that became apparent early on when we physically started getting together, if i had my way it would be lights off, under the covers, however i wasnt going to have it my way, and the first time he asked me to strip off in front of him it was horrid, i felt humiliated and in a way i dont enjoy....change of plan in order.

He blindfolded me, tied me to the bed posts (4 poster bed at the time) and that made a huge difference to how i felt, i was more exposed but yet i felt it less, i was concious that i was naked and he was fully dressed but because i couldnt see and i couldnt move it made it easier to bear.

Now im better but i still wouldnt say sex is something im really confident about, apart from when it involves humiliation, if he degrades me and does 'nasty and dirty' things to me i come alive, i become the whore, the wanton slut, i need to be debased to be liberated sexually.

On the times its 'normal' sex without the frills im more reserved, i find it difficult to completly let go, which is why i have pondered that im not wired up right, i enjoy it yes, but often at these times i will ask him to please hurt me, to humiliate me and he obliges mostly not always, sometimes he is taking me simply for his own pleasure...and that in itself makes me feel debased, that i am being 'used' and thats what i enjoy, thats our making love.

Monday, 11 February 2013


Often on a Sunday we will go out for breakfast, buy our respective newspapers first, he is a Times man, im Daily Mail and we sit having breakfast reading our papers, maybe mention something about an article we are reading but for the most part there is little conversation...a comfortable silence.

For some reason on this Sunday i was feeling needy in a sexual way, we had sex on waking up but i was wanting more (which is unlike me), and over breakfast i took my time observing him whilst he was absorbed in reading his paper, thoughts running through my head of what i wanted to do to him, hmm is appropriate to objectify one's Master..yeah why not..good for the goose, good for the gander.

After breakfast, in the car he suddenly pulled into a layby off the road and this is out of routine so naturally i asked what he was doing to which he replied "giving you what you want" stopped the car, undid both seatbelts, got his cock out and pushed my head down.

"that better?" he asked afterwards.

oh yes.  i swear its SMS aka selective mind-reading syndrom!....hmm now lets see if it works if i think about that Gucci bag im after.

PS blogger seems to be playing up, my list of blogs i follow are not updating and refreshing the page i then get lists of posts of one particular blogger i follow, is it just me..just wandering?

Sunday, 10 February 2013

Feeling secure or suffocated?

"Isn't it suffocating being dominated and controlled and is it everything?"

The short answer is no and no.  This isnt about suffocating me in fact the complete opposite, he wants me to think for myself, have my own opinions and express them, he wants to know i can make my own decisions, choices etc...i am just happier and more content deferring to him, doesnt mean i dont have a voice....oh trust me i do and i have no issues with letting him know what i think!  (just need a little work on expressing what i think in a more appropriate manner).

The extent to which i am controlled doesnt seem excessive to me but i think thats perhaps because i have got used to it gradually over time, in the beginning there was not this much control its been a gradual process as the relationship has progressed.

Im sure that to some people it would cause some discomfort and i can understand that, 6 years ago i more than likely would be disturbed that someone would want this amount of control over someone and i sure as hell wouldnt have thought i would want this level of control.

I might be wrong and completley off target here but i think for the majority of people exploring ttwd its an eye opener looking back as you go along, remembering how something you might do now you never would have imagined doing, and now you enjoy it, crave it even. 

I could list countless things but i wont, that cover a wide range, not just kink, s/m etc but silly things that i never thought i would take enjoyment from, these relationships foster trust, intimacy and allow us to open up to endless possibilities. 

There are times i have niggles and they are well documented throughout this blog, i mentioned in an earlier post that i think i have been 'steered' in this direction and a consequent comment from someone was is that similar to being manipulated, and yes i suppose in a way it is.

However i do believe he has simply worked with what was already there and yes guided me in the direction he wants but there has to be that desire, need and willingness on my part, forcing his control over me might work in the short term (being forced can be hot in certain contexts) but for the long haul sometimes its been to his benefit to exercise patience.

I feel secure under his control, and this is because its been at a pace i have for the most part been comfortable with, too much too fast and too soon could be suffocating, he was upfront about his expectations from the start but he was also clear he didnt expect an all singing dancing perfect slave from day was me i think if anything who was unrealistic in that department.

The good feelings should outweigh any bad ones eg. the niggles, he wants me to want to submit because i need, desire to, not through fear or threats, he inspires me to want to please him and im rewarded with the security of his control/dominance.

Friday, 8 February 2013

Its going random

I know my language can be shall we say 'colourful' at times on here and i do get picked up on it, but you should see the way he talks to his sat nav (which has a female programmed voice) she gets more abuse thrown at her than i do! im quite convinced he goes through a temporary personality transplant the moment he gets in the it disturbing that sometimes im jealous of the bitch.

To quote Jerry Hall

"My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom"

Can we not just hire the first two..problem solved....although knowing how fussy i am about cleaning (slight ocd in that area) maybe not.....but the cook i could go with, i enjoy cooking i do, im just not that great at it.

Should i consider putting a disclaimer at the start of every post? maybe something like this:

*these are my words, expressing my thoughts, opinions and feelings they are not intended to cause offence nor are they implying that this is how you should do things, this blog is not a how to manual, a rule book or god forbid certainly do not mistake it for an example of being "the perfect slave/sub" you will be disappointed*

Actually thats not a bad idea, no one would get upset about being judged (and hands up im guilty of getting upset over comments i have recieved on here), and maybe just maybe it will avoid those "what if he wants to remove a limb" sort of questions and possibly but im probably pushing it, people wont feel the need to inform me im being abused.

I love cheese on toast.

I think too much, i question, im interested in peoples opinions whether i agree or not, blogger gives me an outlet to express what my thoughts are, as great as the bossman is he cant understand how i feel about everything or what its like (coz well he isnt submissive and he is a man...say no more!) and i have so many thoughts in my head i like getting them out and getting other peoples thoughts.

Cruelty is being served mushy peas, torture is being made to eat them.

Blogger compensates for the fact that i dont know anyone in r/l that i can identify with about ttwd or whom i can 'talk' with, there is no local community and we no longer engage in meeting with others (unless that changes, but unlikely). can get lonely and this is my outlet.

I have all my limbs and he has no desire to remove them, phew thats such a relief.

I love card games, poker is my favourite, im damn good at playing chess as well if i do say so myself.

Im embarrassed to admit that when my daughter got Just Dance 4 game on the Wii for xmas i was addicted to the point that on my day off playing it, the time went so quick before i knew it 7 hours had gone by! (you have never seen a body move so fast when i realised the time and they were all due home very soon) im still crap at dancing though and i have been banned from playing my daughter!  and i have always swore im not a computer game person.

Thank goodness its the weekend, i plan on having Saturday morning lazing in bed with my book, that plan will not go my way.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

What lies beneath....sadism

Being dominant and having control over another comes with responsibility, i see the bossman as being more than just Master, he is counseller, teacher, mentor, good cop/bad cop, lover, friend, he is all of these for me and more, some more so than the others at times, dependent on my needs.  I say needs rather than wants because sometimes i dont want to be 'counselled' but he recognises that i need to be, especially as im not one for doing indepth emotional discussions it makes me uncomfortable dependent on the subject, but for my own fullfillment and progress in tpe, for both of us it is a need.

So in short being my Master is more than just dominating, its a position that wears many 'hats'.

He also has needs, one of which is the need to hurt me, its not a need in the definition of he couldnt live without hurting me, the same applies of my need to be 'counselled' i could live without it but its a need in that it fullfills him.  He is a sadist, and his sadistic needs need to be met.

Lil wrote an interesting post there was some interesting comments as well, and it got the cogs turning in my head, i havent really paid much mind to the bossmans sadism, and i wasnt sure how i would define it, does it need to be defined even?, on lil's post i commented that my Master was a sexual sadist.

The best definition i can give of sexual sadism (although its open to interpretation) is that for the bossman hurting me, making me suffer, sexually excites him, it sates him in the same way that sex does for people, there does not need to be any sexual interaction or climax achieved, inflicting pain on me is enough, he can be satisfied with just that.

That doesnt mean sex in any form doesnt happen at all, sometimes it does, its dependent on his mood.

Mostly when we regularly engage in s/m im enjoying it in a mentally receptive way as well as physically, there is tears, begging and screams etc but im loving my sufferring as much as he is loving giving it.  Given a choice between sex and an s/m session i will choose the s/m every time, it gives me a release which is far more satisfying.

Then there are his favourite times, which occur not so often, but when they do its genuine fear on my part, his focus is purely on sating his desires, there are tears and screams but unlike above i really want it to stop, he doesnt want me to enjoy it, he wants me to be really sufferring and i do.  He wouldnt however want to hurt someone that truely did not desire it on any level, and i do, they need to be masochistic and i am.

This is where i do struggle with my masochism at those times, i genuinely dont want it, but my body says otherwise, my arousal is evident by the wetness dripping down my legs but still i dont enjoy it, and he loves this, because it confirms to him that on some level i do desire it and the icing on the cake for him is im not enjoying it.

For as long as he has this need for sadism then i will do my best to cater to that need, but needs change and should they do so it will i guess mean me changing to adapt accordingly, yes s/m plays a large part in our relationship but its not the most important part, the sadist in him is another 'hat'.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Up and down like a whores knickers

I dont understand that phrase, i mean would a whore wear knickers?

Bloody men.  Is it too late to revoke my previous post...yes suppose it is.. ok i shall go test the theory of whether chocolate can compensate for lack of an orgasm.

Over and out.

Lets get it over with..coz its coming

That day..Valentines day, dont celebrate it, never have.  I know what a miserable bitch.

But reading a post on Joey's blog  made me think.  Im not very expressive in terms of love and romantic feelings, its just not me, and you will be hard pushed to find soppy posts here.

Yes i love the man, he is exasperating, infuriating, selfish and arrogant (at times) but its these traits i love about him as much as they irritate me at times, i love his intelligence, his wicked sense of humour, his cruelty and i love that he makes me feel safe.

I love lying in bed with him, i still love and dont think i will ever tire of exploring him kissing every inch pinching and biting his nipples, payback is a bitch! but oh so much fun! and i just love being next to him, whether it be at his feet or curled up in bed.

I love that he can be so cruel, treat me like dirt, humiliate and degrade me and still make me feel like the most luckiest girl on the planet.

I love that he loves me in all that i am.

Ok sappy post over and done with for another year.

Monday, 4 February 2013

A view from behind bars

Captivity is something that intrigues me, it was a fantasy of mine before i met the bossman to be caged and im lucky that this is a fantasy that has been made reality and for once its something that lives up to the fantasy.

I would love to experience captivity/caging for an extended amount of time, days but not really practical at the moment..perhaps one day.

I love the cage, its somewhere i feel safe, its a sanctury of sorts, and it feeds my need to be objectified in the sense of 'being put away' during (for a break) and after he uses me, mostly when its s/m orientated, i like being contained and its a different sense or feeling of containment than being in bondage. I dont have any negative associations with it.

Its a long cage and i can lie down fully in it, but cannot fully sit up or turn around, i can just about get on my hands and knees, its long because the top of the cage doubles as a spanking/caning bench, the underneath being bars all the way around and the door which is locked shut with a padlock.

I like watching him when im in it, especially if i have been put it in for a 'time out' when i need to come down and perhaps calm down from whats already happened, and being in the cage at these times i know he is not finished and it gives me time to contemplate him and what he has going through his mind to do next.

Sometimes he will sit and watch, and he looks at me in a manner as if he is studying me, similar to that of a rat in a cage in the course of a scientific experiment!  i wander if he is thinking "what shall I do to you now"

Sometimes he will move about getting ready for what he has planned, and i observe quietly, always quiet when im in the cage, will he go to the drawers where the needles are? that gets me excited, or maybe the third drawer down, the clamps and weights?, a shiver of apprehension and fear..not my favourite drawer.

He might stand looking at the selection of whips, flogger and canes etc, pick a few up and have a feel, put it down and move onto the next, some he picks up have me silently pleading he chooses it, others have me silently pleading the opposite and im hoping he moves on.

I love it when he is purusing his weapons of choice sometimes he will turn and look at me, he knows that whatever he is holding in his hands at that time will either fill me with excitement or dread, and sometimes the bastard will smile that all knowing smile and in that little trivial moment, with that 'look' i dont care whether i like what he is holding or not, just get me out the damn cage now im ready to 'play'.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

What was and what is

It was in replying to a comment on a post mouse made that i got fixated on being called a slave, i do that, i dont know why, i tend to pick up on something that might be said in a post and go off on a tangent...i can see why the bossman gets exasperated at times because this is what im like.

In trying to write this post im struggling to make some sense of my thoughts, this is my 4th attempt, the others have gone in draft folder which i really should have a sort out of...but thats a job for another day.

So anyway being called a slave.

The bossman refers to me as his slave (as well as other terms) he has a clear understanding of what it means to him, and really that should be all that matters, im searching for the right word/description on how it feels to me now, first and forefront in my mind im scared of it, of what it represents and am i worthy of it because i know what it means to him and its not how i imagined it to be.

There are some points which i think have contributed to me being 'uncomfortable' with it.

1.  When we first discussed enslavement and pursuing tpe, i bigged the word slave up, i was so sure of what it meant, i was to a cetain extent caught up in the fantasy images of what it would be like, i had this imagery of a lot of s/m, sex stuff and kink in general, i wasnt naive enough to think it would be that all the time but those were what i focused on.

2.  Being honest im just going to admit it way back, i thought slave made me sound 'better' more 'superior' than just being submissive, i mean it just sounds so much more sexier, more real?

3.  Its over-used now, thrown about like a boomerang,  you see it a lot...sub meets dom, enjoy kinky sex, bit of s/m perhaps etc every so often and within a few months its a full on tpe M/s relationship. (edited to add, that im not saying this is not the way it shouldnt be etc, its my reflections, thoughts, and that applies to all the above)

Maybe im being too sceptical...or perhaps realistic?

So now, well now i know different, its not what i thought it would be, oh sure the kink and everything is there but thats not what its about, its about the t (total) in tpe..complete, absolute, everything and...

and i still have some of those proverbial walls up. i still try to hold onto little bits of independence..and yes i try to hold onto some measurement of control, its about communicating lots and lots, holding nothing back, coz how can he truely own me unless i surrender all that i am, was and will be to him?

For him this is what tpe and slave means, everything, all in its entirety...and its scary, but yet its also comforting and im not sure how i got from what was to what is....its just happened, i want to say natural development but im more inclined to think i have been very carefully 'steered' in the direction he wants us to go.

So in effect this is what it means for us.