Monday, 18 February 2013

Musings on trust

Insecurity is not nice and being as im someone that has really insecure moments where i dont think rationally im aware of the effects it can have on a relationship, rather the effects it can have on us, how much can one person take of someone's neediness.

I dont think being needy is necessarily a 'bad' thing in the context of our dynamic, he likes elements of me being needy, that i am dependent on him, i need his authority, control etc, but the neediness im talking about is borne from insecurity and perhaps a lack of self confidence.

Sometimes albeit not as often as i used to i would get 'down' moments of thinking im not worthy of him, surely he would be better off with someone else, when i displeased him i would beat myself up that i simply wasnt good enough, i wanted/want to be this perfect slave and anything less was failure on my part.

I would get parinoid that he was going to leave me, that i would be released and i would get irrational, panicking over what im going to do..oh it would snowball, rather than talk to him when i first had these thoughts, oh no not me i would dwell on them and my behaviour would change, he would notice but i would deny what i was thinking.

The beating myself up started stopping when he started punishing me when i did displease him, it was the whole being held responsible for my actions and i needed to be that helped..not that i enjoy punishments but rather i need the absolution. 

The rest of my insecurities havent been that easy to deal with, on having a discussion with him recentley for the millionth time (ok slight exaggeration) he put it to me that perhaps it was that i didnt trust him enough....i balked at that.

I do trust him, i trust him to make decisions for me and for us, i trust that he will keep me safe, i trust his judgement etc, but then i really started thinking about it.

If i do trust him then i should trust that he isnt just going to leave me high and dry, i should trust that i am good enough for him and that to him i am the perfect slave, me thinking any less than that is not trusting his judgement to know what he wants.

and there it is....it always comes down to trust.



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10 comments:

  1. dancingbarez18 February 2013 at 17:29

    Ok, this post has me totally depleted because many of these issues are ones that keep me awake at night.

    It was easy to chalk it up to being so new to the dynamic and past experiences but maybe its a personality trait that just does not go away. That sucks.

    Ok, definitely feel a post in the making.

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    1. tori19 February 2013 at 22:21

      oh dancing dont feel like that, i am much better than what i was sometimes its just something that needs working on over time, i dont think one can really change their basic nature but they can learn how to handle it differently.

      x

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  2. Anonymous18 February 2013 at 19:13

    Thank you for being so honest in this post. I wonder if these feelings are just part of the DNA of a submissive.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. tori19 February 2013 at 22:23

      hi joey

      You may be onto something there, i wander if its tied up in the feelings of being dependent etc.

      x

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  3. Kat18 February 2013 at 22:27

    This is such an honest and deeply personal post. I think all of us work through these things sometimes but it would be nice if there was just a magic cure but there isnt. This speaks to me too.

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    1. tori19 February 2013 at 22:33

      Yep a magic cure would be great lol, i do think that yes it needs working through and it takes time, lots of support and patience on the dominants part as well.

      x

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  4. Unknown19 February 2013 at 06:03

    You're not alone. I struggle with the same issues. My Master always tell me to trust that He will let me know, if he is unhappy with me, or my actions.

    It's definitely about trust.(In my case) And maybe a bit about not believing that we deserve the happiness we experience in our dynamics.

    My sister tells me not to go looking for problems, just because my life is finally 'problem-free'.

    Thanks for sharing..

    -aim

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    1. tori19 February 2013 at 22:34

      hello aim mia

      Yes i agree i have come to the conclusion its about trust, although it too a nudge in the right direction to see that.

      Your sister gives good advice, how very true that is.

      x

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  5. mouse22 March 2013 at 18:36

    Trust seems to be so closely related to fear...think that's why we struggle so hard sometimes. We let our fears get deep inside and forget to trust.

    Dunno for sure tho, it seems that's the way it is for Daddy and mouse sometimes.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. tori22 March 2013 at 22:41

      I hadnt thought of trust being realted to fear, been musing on it since i read your comment.

      Yes it makes sense, its when i have these moments of irrational thoughts its fear and i lose sight of what i actually trust in.

      x

      Delete

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