It was in replying to a comment on a post mouse made http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/30-days-of-submission.html that i got fixated on being called a slave, i do that, i dont know why, i tend to pick up on something that might be said in a post and go off on a tangent...i can see why the bossman gets exasperated at times because this is what im like.
In trying to write this post im struggling to make some sense of my thoughts, this is my 4th attempt, the others have gone in draft folder which i really should have a sort out of...but thats a job for another day.
So anyway being called a slave.
The bossman refers to me as his slave (as well as other terms) he has a clear understanding of what it means to him, and really that should be all that matters, im searching for the right word/description on how it feels to me now, first and forefront in my mind im scared of it, of what it represents and am i worthy of it because i know what it means to him and its not how i imagined it to be.
There are some points which i think have contributed to me being 'uncomfortable' with it.
1. When we first discussed enslavement and pursuing tpe, i bigged the word slave up, i was so sure of what it meant, i was to a cetain extent caught up in the fantasy images of what it would be like, i had this imagery of a lot of s/m, sex stuff and kink in general, i wasnt naive enough to think it would be that all the time but those were what i focused on.
2. Being honest im just going to admit it way back, i thought slave made me sound 'better' more 'superior' than just being submissive, i mean it just sounds so much more sexier, more real?
3. Its over-used now, thrown about like a boomerang, you see it a lot...sub meets dom, enjoy kinky sex, bit of s/m perhaps etc every so often and within a few months its a full on tpe M/s relationship. (edited to add, that im not saying this is not the way it shouldnt be etc, its my reflections, thoughts, and that applies to all the above)
Maybe im being too sceptical...or perhaps realistic?
So now, well now i know different, its not what i thought it would be, oh sure the kink and everything is there but thats not what its about, its about the t (total) in tpe..complete, absolute, everything and...
and i still have some of those proverbial walls up. i still try to hold onto little bits of independence..and yes i try to hold onto some measurement of control, its about communicating lots and lots, holding nothing back, coz how can he truely own me unless i surrender all that i am, was and will be to him?
For him this is what tpe and slave means, everything, all in its entirety...and its scary, but yet its also comforting and im not sure how i got from what was to what is....its just happened, i want to say natural development but im more inclined to think i have been very carefully 'steered' in the direction he wants us to go.
So in effect this is what it means for us.
I read your comment on mouse's blog and her response.
ReplyDeleteI have heard many people in the scene say they hate labels and a few minutes later say they are a Dom or a sub. So, labels exist and they help define roles.
I see a very clear difference between a sub and a slave. Slave indicates total ownership by someone. For me, it means full surrender which is a daunting challenge.
I can be a sub to someone, but when I am, the definition of my role is much narrower than a slave. Sometimes I am a service sub or during a long intense scene a "toy" for the Domme. But, I have not surrendered fully.
I have read your blog and you are a slave in the sense I define the label.
In short, I agree with you.
Hug,
joey
Labels are not popular because as i said on mouse's blog i dont think anyone likes to be put in a box but i do think without a doubt they have their uses, as you said they help in defining rules.
DeleteIm content in that my Master calls me his slave but can i say im really comfortable with it? nope lol
x
Hey tori,
ReplyDeleteYes mouse, at various times, has had troubles with the different labels but those were also attached to other peoples ideas of what that label should be. What should a slave or submissive be, how do they behave, what of their Dom? See? It's not just how mouse feels -- it's how everyone else too?
Sometimes she wonders if blogging complicates those feelings?
There is a TPE element to slavery that can't be dismissed. It's scary -- comforting -- old fashioned (almost), BDSM doesn't need to be part of an M/s dynamic. It doesn't happen over-night, at least not usually. It takes time and a whole lot of effort by both parties to grow.
Omega -- totally is a Master, for example, he's owned "slaves" before mouse. He's been around long enough to understand how long of an investment slavery truly is. He also had a clear understanding of what he wanted and how it should look -- the obvious issue is sometimes as his needs changed the slave wasn't on the same page or wanted a deeper commitment than he was able to offer.
Now, for mouse it was different. Knowing nothing about the lifestyle, she was just told she was a slave and that slavery was defined for her (before Omega). Was that easier? In some ways, yes. There was no getting caught up in the trappings.
But that dynamic was flawed because mouse had no understanding of the weight of expectation. It probably jaded and damaged her more than she ever realized.
It's taken us years to bring mouse to this level (while she's never once questioned Daddy [Omega's] label she has, probably rightfully so, questioned her own.
But again it's all under what Daddy wanted and what his idea of perfection is, it was a hard lesson for mouse to grasp.
Hugs (sorry this is sooo long),
-m
Considering the essay length comments i have made on your blog (and truthfully i hold back because there is so much i would like to ask, get your thoughts on) no apologies necessary lol
DeleteI would think it must have been easier not knowing any different, and i would imagine back then (im trying not to make that sound like it was years and years ago and your ancient lol) but there wasnt the 'exposure' that bdsm and M/s has today ie the internet, not as many resources either...im assuming.
The taking time element is so important and that is another 'wake up call' i think i have had, i thought it would just all come together immediatley and it doesnt, it often feels 3 steps forward and one back...but its progress all the same.
Thanks mouse
x
While I can appreciate your opinions and that they are based on your experiences, I was disturbed by your admission of being "steered".
ReplyDeleteTPE is based on consent and both parties being aware, with no disrespect intended "steered" implies a degree of manipulation.
I am however finding your thoughts very enlightening.
Peter.
hi Peter
DeleteAbsolutley there needs to be consent and just as important an understanding on some level of what both parties want moving forward.
I think perhaps there is some degree of manipulation but not in a negative way, it is maybe just another 'tool' in progressing, getting me where he wants me..and no offence is taken.
Thankyou
x
I have to say, even as a sub, the slave title takes it to another level. Its not a title that should be thrown around, imo. Not one to be taken lightly. I agree, its a scary thing. From what I can tell from your blog, you fit the slave image I have in my head, and I do believe you do it well. :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as the "steering", I dont believe that means there is manipulation or lack of consent. Even as a sub, a Dom will mold you, in a way. They bring out your unique submission and mold or steer you to also be what they want you to be. This is something I was fully aware of when I took on the sub role. However, I believe even vanilla relationships there is a degree of steering or molding as you learn each other and what makes your partner happy. There is a consentual way to do this. For me, its a desire. I want to be what he wants me to be. Im happy to make him happy.
I dont know...I think Im rambling now lol
Ramble away Kitty, i do it frequently lol
DeleteThanks, im not always sure i do it well, ummm i have my moments but for the most part im adjusted and commited to what we both want.
As i said to Peter above, i do think there is some degree of manipulation but not in a negative way, but yes you got what i meant by 'steering' its more about being moulded, shaped into the sub/slave he wants and also what i want.
x
thinking about this post in the most positive way...food for thought.
ReplyDeletethanks little, i found it a difficult one to write because im still unsure of it all!
Deletex
Interesting post tori- and I am one of those who considers herself "slave" although not in TPE (not even close) and with Master deployed our entire M/s dynamic is on hold. However, I am still his slave- regardless of us being in a LTR or in this case LTR with deployment. To Master and I the slave designation is simply who I am to him. We don't have defined rules and so are probably one of those you refer to in # 3 above as throwing the term around loosely. I never really thought about it from a formal perspective or how others might perceive us. I am in every since of the word his and I guess because that is what in our hearts the slave designation fits us.
ReplyDelete~faithful
hi faithful
DeleteThankyou
I hope i didnt cause any offence, i was not implying that those points i made are not what a slave should be but rather its those thoughts that have contributed to making me conflicted, ultimatley what a slave is and or should be is what an individual interprets it as...me i just struggle with what it means to me.
There is after all no set 'mould', my Master may define me as 'his' slave but im sure there may be dominants that i wouldnt be considered the slave for them and vice versa.
x
I love being labeled his slave. Every single time he says it I still am thrilled down deep. Or even when someone else in real life refers to me as his slave. It is such a powerful word to me, carrying all kinds of implications of being his thing, property, of complete submission.
ReplyDeleteI get that i really do because that is how i felt in the beginning, i cant really quite put my finger on exactly why i struggle with it, but i do know im happy being his and if he is happy with calling me his slave then thats good enough.
Deletex
I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award on my blog! Go there to find the rules for it!
ReplyDelete