It was in replying to a comment on a post mouse made http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/30-days-of-submission.html that i got fixated on being called a slave, i do that, i dont know why, i tend to pick up on something that might be said in a post and go off on a tangent...i can see why the bossman gets exasperated at times because this is what im like.
In trying to write this post im struggling to make some sense of my thoughts, this is my 4th attempt, the others have gone in draft folder which i really should have a sort out of...but thats a job for another day.
So anyway being called a slave.
The bossman refers to me as his slave (as well as other terms) he has a clear understanding of what it means to him, and really that should be all that matters, im searching for the right word/description on how it feels to me now, first and forefront in my mind im scared of it, of what it represents and am i worthy of it because i know what it means to him and its not how i imagined it to be.
There are some points which i think have contributed to me being 'uncomfortable' with it.
1. When we first discussed enslavement and pursuing tpe, i bigged the word slave up, i was so sure of what it meant, i was to a cetain extent caught up in the fantasy images of what it would be like, i had this imagery of a lot of s/m, sex stuff and kink in general, i wasnt naive enough to think it would be that all the time but those were what i focused on.
2. Being honest im just going to admit it way back, i thought slave made me sound 'better' more 'superior' than just being submissive, i mean it just sounds so much more sexier, more real?
3. Its over-used now, thrown about like a boomerang, you see it a lot...sub meets dom, enjoy kinky sex, bit of s/m perhaps etc every so often and within a few months its a full on tpe M/s relationship. (edited to add, that im not saying this is not the way it shouldnt be etc, its my reflections, thoughts, and that applies to all the above)
Maybe im being too sceptical...or perhaps realistic?
So now, well now i know different, its not what i thought it would be, oh sure the kink and everything is there but thats not what its about, its about the t (total) in tpe..complete, absolute, everything and...
and i still have some of those proverbial walls up. i still try to hold onto little bits of independence..and yes i try to hold onto some measurement of control, its about communicating lots and lots, holding nothing back, coz how can he truely own me unless i surrender all that i am, was and will be to him?
For him this is what tpe and slave means, everything, all in its entirety...and its scary, but yet its also comforting and im not sure how i got from what was to what is....its just happened, i want to say natural development but im more inclined to think i have been very carefully 'steered' in the direction he wants us to go.
So in effect this is what it means for us.