Thursday, 30 October 2008

re-evaluating myself

warning...its a long one

Im going through a stage of questioning why i am like i am and analyzing everything about our relationship and the activities we engage in. He says He went through similar years ago but has now accepted He is who He is, and i know that there are probably no answers and i have no doubt in a few days i will get over it. Its not about having doubts, im happy and secure, i love Him very much and i know that He loves me, its more me needing an explanation of what makes me enjoy what i do and i suppose fear as well, fear of what im becoming or maybe what i already am.

Why do i like being beaten?, why is it that sometimes when He is cruel to me, i crave more?, why will i do things i really dislike to please Him?, all these why's keep going through my head, tormenting me and i dont have any answers. Ok im submissive but why to Him? its not like i am in other parts of my life, passive to a certain extent but im certainly not a walk over, maybe its because of His nature and i respond to the fact that He is dominant but then if that was the case surely it would apply to all dominant people, and thats not the case, if anything i begrudge being submissive to others.

Im also wandering why i dont cry when He hurts me sometimes, the closest i have come from crying from physical pain is when He used the whip on my back but that was ages ago. I have cried when i have been disobedient and He has verbally expressed His displeasure, most notably when i spoke to Him really badly recently and i was punished so i tend to think its connected to my frame of mind, if i sense He is disappointed in me i get upset even though some of those times its my own fault.

What i do know is that in many ways i have it good as a slave compared to some, and i think at times i have a tendency to take this for granted, i read an intresting article about "false entiltilement" which occurs when a slave begins to see "things" or situations as her "right" an example could be expressing an opinion or using the toilet, are these "rights" or are they privilages? He does allow me to express myself, i have this blog for example and i am quite verbal at times especially if i have a strong opinion about something, the only restriction is when i do give an opinion it should be given in a respectful manner. I know that at times im not as respectful as i should be, sometimes He will pick up on this and other times not, but He could should He want to take away my "right" to an opinion because it could be said that as a slave my opinion is not important, its a privilage and as such can be removed. As for going to the toilet im meant to ask permission (when we are together) if i wish to go, i very rarely do unless reminded and have taken it for granted that He would never refuse, so again this is not a "right" that i am entitled too.

The point im getting to is i think im at a point where i need Him to be harder and i dont mean just as in beating me harder although thats a definite, but more of not letting things slip, not allowing me a "get out" like with the punishment i had due previously, i got out of it. My problem is i cant actually say it to Him, i can write it down and i did text Him saying i wanted Him to be harder on me but to actually say it i cant, because then there is no going back and when He is harder i know many aspects of it i may not like even though its what i think i need in order to be a better slave. I expect Him to read my mind and intrepret what i want and need which of course is unreasonable so then i realise how can i be a good slave when i keep things from Him, i dont mean lying, but more when i know i have behaved as i shouldnt i should ask to be disciplined instead of counting on Him overlooking it, it is then His choice and not mine to make on whether He will or not.

So really its not just about Him being harder on me its about me re-evaluating how i behave, i know i have a tendency of relying on Him forgetting when i have been told off and am due a punishment, and i have even become quite cocky about it. This is not good and im going to make an effort to put that right because if im held responisble for remembering what He has said then it stands to reason that my behaviour should improve because i figure if i have to remind Him i have a punishment due im going to be more wary of how i behave wheras as now im complacent and bank on getting out of it. Plus having to remind Him if He has forgotten i wouldnt like as i find it hard to ask for things i dont like, so asking to be punished would be bloody hell for me.

Saturday, 25 October 2008

difference perspectives

I have been chatting to a couple on and off for a while now and i cant take to them, of course this bears no difference on whether we meet with them or not and i suppose its only a matter of time that we meet people im not struck on. Its just from chatting to them it appears we have very different outlooks, i think i pissed the man off because i wouldnt address him as sir or master and until told otherwise i wont, the way i see it is i have one (Master that is) and its not a term i care to use for any tom dick or harry that proclaim themselves to be dominant. If im honest even when im told to i wont like it, to me it diminishes what it means and what it represents.

Then there is this whole issue of being the "perfect slave" which does not exist, what does exist is being the best slave that you can be for your Master/Mistress which of course means ones expectations may differ from the next, and im certainly not that yet, i try hard but im a long way off from meeting His expectations. The women seems to have an ideal of how the "perfect" slave should behave which is fine as i have said time and time again the term slave means different to different people. What i find infuriating is the need to be competitive or in her words "to see who is the better slave" for fucks sake its like being back at school again, so how exactly is that proved........... by who can take the most cane strokes, the most needles etc? Or maybe its who behaves more appropriately because this another thing that i dont get about them, they seem to have this obsession with "punishment", which is something else i dont get.

To me punishment is given to correct unwanted behaviour, and generally something i wont like, usually im not punished for failing an activity as long as i try my best......of course this depends on the circumstances. When i spoke to the man he made a point of saying he would make sure i did fail just to have the excuse to punish me, well me being me couldnt let that go by without responding. I replied saying that would unlikey happen as im not punished as long as i try my best and its my Masters call to say whether i have tried or not, and that i couldnt see Him letting someone else punish me when they have purposefully set me up to fail, he just said "we will see about that". He is very arrogant and that does nothing for me, very up himself i have the impression he thinks he is gods gift to women, which come to think of about it that reminds me of his sub saying that she wouldnt "play" with anyone she didnt find attractive...........Hmm for someone that says she has the soul of a slave......i think she needs to re-set her way of thinking as it generally dont work like that.

Thursday, 23 October 2008


We had Saturday to ourselves which was nice, the original intention was to meet another couple on the Saturday as well but im glad we didnt as i think it would of been too much, what with the travelling and then the Friday evening i was knackered.

He caned me in the evening fairly hard and it did bloody hurt, He made me count which is something im not too keen on usually as there is the risk of losing count and having to start over. What i do find slightly amusing is when He asks me if i want more, i could of course say no (only allowed to say no if im given a choice) but then i would feel guilty about not taking as much as He would like so i always end up saying "if it pleases you Sir" when really i dont want anymore, and of course He always says yes. I think i drunk more of His pee this time well it certainly felt like it but i will be happy when i get to the point i can drink most if not all.

He used the tawse on my pussy and if i recall i asked Him to and i dont think i will be as keen to again its not as nice as the flogger, can safetly say i dont like it used there its not a very nice kind of ouch.

Overall i think the weekend went well my only complaint is He wouldnt beat me on the Sunday morning (noise was the issue) shall have to make sure next time the accommodation is more suitable especially as it will be my birthday on the Sunday and well i want my birthday beating.

Wednesday, 22 October 2008

meeting others

The couple we had arranged to meet are not really into D/s as such, more swinging and anal play so meeting a couple like us was new to them. We had a glass of wine first to relax with before getting down to "it", there play area was in their garage which was amusing as you had to go through the garden to get to it, just hope they havent got any nosy neighbours that could be hard to explain, half naked women walking through the garden.

He clamped my breasts and i was then bent over a bench, whilst He was caning me they were pinching and pulling at my nipples, her bloody nails was the worst they dug in and i dont think they had any idea how much more sensitive tits are when they are clamped! I remember at one point she had a go at caning me and it was ok, my attention was more focused on my tits that were throbbing and i was relieved that no clamps were put on them. I was then stood up and tied with arms and legs spread in an X position, He whipped me not as hard as He has done but enough to get me squirming, the man in the couple attached some clamps to my nipples (very padded so they didnt hurt) but they was attached to an electrical device so hmm not so sure about that on the lowest setting it wasnt too bad but any higher and it wasnt pleasureable at all.

Then came the part i wasnt sure about, i had a strap-on with the intention of putting it in the man ass, at first i thought it was quite cool but not obviously having a cock i was concerned about how hard to push etc....i didnt want to hurt him. I didnt enjoy it at all, it did nothing for me sexually and i found the whole experience quite bizarre from my perspective, whilst i was ramming this dildo up his ass, his partner was putting a dildo down his mouth and twisting his nipples. I was impressed with how much nipple pain he could take if it was me i would of been screaming the place down (nipple torture is a weak area for me). It felt like an eternity (i found just shoving a dildo up his ass boring), i think i would have enjoyed it more if i was being beaten at the same time at least that would of broke the monotony although he might not have thought so as i would have probably rammed a lot harder (mmm theres a thought)!!

Then it was my turn, she put a strap-on on and first used it in my pussy, i didnt like this at all it hurt but not a normal hurt it just wasnt right and i think she thought i wasnt being co-operative which wasnt the case i just knew it didnt feel right and my instinct was too fight against it which i did. Then it was my ass which was uncomfortable more than painful i know i took as much as i could and i was pleased with myself how much i managed especially when i saw the size of the damn thing, i think if i had seen it before it was used i would have freaked but overall i was satisfied. We had a bit of a break then and i sucked my Masters cock and the other women asked to as well so i figured i better ask Him if i should suck the other mans which i did. Its something im still not sure about (sucking another mans cock that is) i wouldnt go as far as saying i enjoy it but rather that i do it because its expected, i dont think im naturally inclined to enjoy being used sexually by others, it bothers me more than i thought it would.

Well then came His favourite part i had to go down on her, no change there i didnt like it before and i still dont like it, it cant be just me that thinks it tastes bloody horrible surely, mind you she wasnt exactly a very responsive women, a corpse would have probably been more reactive (not that im into necrophilia). He fucked me in the ass whilst i was licking her which was the only enjoyable part of it, i didnt put a lot of effort in and she did comment on that afterwards which made me cringe as i thought that would get me in trouble with Him. As it happens He let it slide which did surprise me considering the deal was that if i didnt do a good enough effort my punishment (from previous poor behaviour) would still stand.

What i enjoyed most was being tied in the X and beaten and i would want to do that again, as well as try out the sex swing they had but more for the possibilities it has for torture rather than the sex. I did ask for needles and He obliged and i enjoyed them and wanted more but it was getting late, im finding with needles i need to be in the mood for them which of course doesnt always work that way. Anyway overall i would gladly meet with them again they were a genuine nice couple which is a rarity and it would be nice to explore more possibilites with them.

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

another post at last..

Its been quite a while since i have posted and im not sure why as i do enjoy keeping this blog and i do have a fair bit to write about, not least our last time together, so best start with that really.

It was nice as He was able to finish work early on the Friday and therefore meant we was able to spend more time together which is always a good thing. We visited a sex shop which sold various bdsm gear before heading to the hotel, trouble is so much to choose from, a bit like being a kid in a sweet shop, but i settled on a tawse because its something previously i hated (previous Dom i was with had one) and i suppose part of me wanted to know if it was as bad as i remembered thinking it was, it was way back then my nemesis, like the whip is now.

By the time we got to the hotel room i was desperate to try the damn thing out, well it had been a while since having any pain and patience isnt my strongest point as in i dont have any, got to suck His cock first though that was a bonus as the last few times He has made me wait and its been pain first. Wasnt long though before i was asking Him to beat me with the tawse and it was ouchy but not as bad as i remember thinking it was, then the cane well i do like the cane so that was nice and i asked for more and then a nice hard ass fucking with no lube it fucking hurt but i loved it.

Was a bit nervous as we had arranged to meet a couple that evening although i wasnt as bad as i would normally be as i had talked to them both on numerous occassions so i felt pretty relaxed and confident. I think my only concern was that i would mess up, i always fear that especially as i know my temperment with other women especially ones that have a dominant trait, its just not in my nature to be passive with a women thats a complete bitch this is most likely because i know im capable of being a bitch myself.

It was a good evening and i enjoyed most aspect of it, too much to put it one post so will continue tomorrow.