Thursday, 30 October 2008

re-evaluating myself

warning...its a long one

Im going through a stage of questioning why i am like i am and analyzing everything about our relationship and the activities we engage in. He says He went through similar years ago but has now accepted He is who He is, and i know that there are probably no answers and i have no doubt in a few days i will get over it. Its not about having doubts, im happy and secure, i love Him very much and i know that He loves me, its more me needing an explanation of what makes me enjoy what i do and i suppose fear as well, fear of what im becoming or maybe what i already am.

Why do i like being beaten?, why is it that sometimes when He is cruel to me, i crave more?, why will i do things i really dislike to please Him?, all these why's keep going through my head, tormenting me and i dont have any answers. Ok im submissive but why to Him? its not like i am in other parts of my life, passive to a certain extent but im certainly not a walk over, maybe its because of His nature and i respond to the fact that He is dominant but then if that was the case surely it would apply to all dominant people, and thats not the case, if anything i begrudge being submissive to others.

Im also wandering why i dont cry when He hurts me sometimes, the closest i have come from crying from physical pain is when He used the whip on my back but that was ages ago. I have cried when i have been disobedient and He has verbally expressed His displeasure, most notably when i spoke to Him really badly recently and i was punished so i tend to think its connected to my frame of mind, if i sense He is disappointed in me i get upset even though some of those times its my own fault.

What i do know is that in many ways i have it good as a slave compared to some, and i think at times i have a tendency to take this for granted, i read an intresting article about "false entiltilement" which occurs when a slave begins to see "things" or situations as her "right" an example could be expressing an opinion or using the toilet, are these "rights" or are they privilages? He does allow me to express myself, i have this blog for example and i am quite verbal at times especially if i have a strong opinion about something, the only restriction is when i do give an opinion it should be given in a respectful manner. I know that at times im not as respectful as i should be, sometimes He will pick up on this and other times not, but He could should He want to take away my "right" to an opinion because it could be said that as a slave my opinion is not important, its a privilage and as such can be removed. As for going to the toilet im meant to ask permission (when we are together) if i wish to go, i very rarely do unless reminded and have taken it for granted that He would never refuse, so again this is not a "right" that i am entitled too.

The point im getting to is i think im at a point where i need Him to be harder and i dont mean just as in beating me harder although thats a definite, but more of not letting things slip, not allowing me a "get out" like with the punishment i had due previously, i got out of it. My problem is i cant actually say it to Him, i can write it down and i did text Him saying i wanted Him to be harder on me but to actually say it i cant, because then there is no going back and when He is harder i know many aspects of it i may not like even though its what i think i need in order to be a better slave. I expect Him to read my mind and intrepret what i want and need which of course is unreasonable so then i realise how can i be a good slave when i keep things from Him, i dont mean lying, but more when i know i have behaved as i shouldnt i should ask to be disciplined instead of counting on Him overlooking it, it is then His choice and not mine to make on whether He will or not.

So really its not just about Him being harder on me its about me re-evaluating how i behave, i know i have a tendency of relying on Him forgetting when i have been told off and am due a punishment, and i have even become quite cocky about it. This is not good and im going to make an effort to put that right because if im held responisble for remembering what He has said then it stands to reason that my behaviour should improve because i figure if i have to remind Him i have a punishment due im going to be more wary of how i behave wheras as now im complacent and bank on getting out of it. Plus having to remind Him if He has forgotten i wouldnt like as i find it hard to ask for things i dont like, so asking to be punished would be bloody hell for me.

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