Thursday, 22 January 2015

The workings of a paranoid mind

aka: how to make a huge mountain out of a molehill....i know! nothing changes

Lets talk about sex.  Well its that or go into details of the drama going on in my life as of late, but rather not, i think i need to get back to escape, to just, well get back into it, i have missed it.

So back to the mountain.

I asked Master "do you prefer to fuck me or would you make love to me?"

A simple enough question, brought about by a discussion with the girlies on a girly night out and well, a lack of confidence on my part, and yeah curiosity, which we all know killed the cat, and im pretty sure the 9 lives were up a long time ago, and is on a continuous reincarnation loop.

So his reply was "It depends on the moment.  Both are good."

good!!! good!

Is that it, good is like saying its ok, adequate, is he saying that im not that good at sex? (hey i did put paranoid in the title), i am so going to brood on this, and i have, i am, i was/am quite proud at myself that i didnt pursue it by asking if i was better than his previous liasions......only because i dont want to know the answer...sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

Sex.  Its not complicated, well it shouldnt be, but of course its complicated for me, i am after all the over thinking/over analysing drama queen, a title im not quite prepared to let go of just yet.

I like and enjoy sex, but when its within my comfort zones.  Im not spontaneous when it comes to sex, i know what he likes and i stick to what i know, because doing something different off my own back rather than being told what to do risks the chance of doing something he doesnt like/want and i cant take that chance.

He would like me to be more spontaneous, to surprise him, which i translate as  "oh, so your not happy with the sex then" well this reminds me of a while back....

He was on a course, on waiting for his return, in the bedroom, i dressed up in white underwear (he loves white lingerie, fuck knows why, im long past being able to pull off the virginal look!) anyways, there i was lying on the bed in white basque, stockings etc....and....

he took no notice!!! i kid you not.  He laid on the bed and proceeded to tell me about his day.  Now as much as i enjoy hearing how it went, it could have waited until we were having dinner, at that moment i wanted recognition that i had made an effort, ok, so mostly i wanted, i wanted a beating and a damn good fuck (i say good because clearly thats all it is).

So yes, this is why im happy to stay in my comfort zone because then there is no risk of disappointment or rejection, because i felt rejected in that moment, i tried and i wandered why i bothered.

Oh.  We did have sex eventually, and it was.....