Thursday, 22 January 2015

The workings of a paranoid mind

aka: how to make a huge mountain out of a molehill....i know! nothing changes

Lets talk about sex.  Well its that or go into details of the drama going on in my life as of late, but rather not, i think i need to get back to this....to escape, to just, well get back into it, i have missed it.

So back to the mountain.

I asked Master "do you prefer to fuck me or would you make love to me?"

A simple enough question, brought about by a discussion with the girlies on a girly night out and well, a lack of confidence on my part, and yeah curiosity, which we all know killed the cat, and im pretty sure the 9 lives were up a long time ago, and is on a continuous reincarnation loop.

So his reply was "It depends on the moment.  Both are good."

good!!! good!

Is that it, good is like saying its ok, adequate, is he saying that im not that good at sex? (hey i did put paranoid in the title), i am so going to brood on this, and i have, i am, i was/am quite proud at myself that i didnt pursue it by asking if i was better than his previous liasions......only because i dont want to know the answer...sometimes ignorance really is bliss.

Sex.  Its not complicated, well it shouldnt be, but of course its complicated for me, i am after all the over thinking/over analysing drama queen, a title im not quite prepared to let go of just yet.

I like and enjoy sex, but when its within my comfort zones.  Im not spontaneous when it comes to sex, i know what he likes and i stick to what i know, because doing something different off my own back rather than being told what to do risks the chance of doing something he doesnt like/want and i cant take that chance.

He would like me to be more spontaneous, to surprise him, which i translate as  "oh, so your not happy with the sex then" well this reminds me of a while back....

He was on a course, on waiting for his return, in the bedroom, i dressed up in white underwear (he loves white lingerie, fuck knows why, im long past being able to pull off the virginal look!) anyways, there i was lying on the bed in white basque, stockings etc....and....

he took no notice!!! i kid you not.  He laid on the bed and proceeded to tell me about his day.  Now as much as i enjoy hearing how it went, it could have waited until we were having dinner, at that moment i wanted recognition that i had made an effort, ok, so mostly i wanted, i wanted a beating and a damn good fuck (i say good because clearly thats all it is).

So yes, this is why im happy to stay in my comfort zone because then there is no risk of disappointment or rejection, because i felt rejected in that moment, i tried and i wandered why i bothered.

Oh.  We did have sex eventually, and it was.....

yeah....good!

















21 comments:

  1. Oh, our minds think too much a like! I would have read it the same way if I was in your shoes.

    I did just buy a red lace piece. I need to buy a super long coat. My plan is to show up with the coat wearing the red piece and black heels. So out of my comfort zone!

    I'm proud that you pushed yourself. I wonder if He did notice. Maybe you need to try again?

    Also, I read His answer in a different way. I don't see your question as you do. I read it asking which one does He prefer. Is one better than the other when it comes to His mindset on what He is doing to you. His answer is merely that He enjoys both, depending on the mood. It wasn't about is it good with you. It's about does He prefer fucking or making love TO you. In His mind both are good choices.

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    1. It is difficult being pushed out of ones comfort zone, but then i guess that is the point, perhaps..to go that bit further?

      OOh i like that idea the red lace piece and long coat....go you lol

      I have pondered on how you interepreted his answer and i think you have hit the nail on the head, its made me re think..so thanks.

      x

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  2. Why is it a simple answer makes us rush to so many other conclusions. Does good actually mean 'not bad', which sets off all those nuances about the way men and women communicate. HS could be right with her take on it.
    It reminded me of this:
    http://bertc.com/subfour/truth/unspoken.htm
    Which is a humorous way to remind us what we know already - we think differently.
    It's lovely to see you back, you've been missed.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Your right, i think a lot of it is just a matter of communicating and perhaps different perspectives, and a hell of a lot of misinterpretaion lol

      I loved that link, really put things into perspective thanks.

      Its good to be back.

      x

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  3. Hi Tori,

    HS seemed to hit the nail on the head, it seems he was saying both are good depending on his mood.

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    1. She did indeed, and its nice to see you!

      x

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  4. It is so very good to see you posting again.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thanks lil its good to be back.

      x

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  5. Hi tori...hope you are keeping well.

    sorry but I had to laugh at what happened on the non reaction on the bed, not funny i know but have had that happen to me as well so i know how you felt...hugs

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    1. im well thanks, hope you are also.

      yeah i can see the funny side lol

      x

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  6. Hi Tori, it's funny how we tend to interpret the words the use, like 'fine' when you ask if you look ok before heading out the door etc. I agree with HS too.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  7. It hasn't been the same around here without you.

    I have a garder belt and some other stuff just wasting space in my drawer for this very same reason. I've also learned to not ask him what he thinks about my outfits (well, that's a lie, I still ask, but not often) because he will say something along the lines of, "You look good," or, "You look fine." Then, of course, I have to change change two more times. Lol.

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    1. thanks Misty, its good to be back.

      I think a lot of it is lack of confidence or perhaps that fear of them not responding as we want them too.

      x

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  8. tori,
    It is good to hear from you again. I think all couples have those thing that they just don't hit the right way on - if not this, then something else. There are a few things that i always feel insulted, un-heard or unappreciated, or dismissed by him, no matter how many times i try to explain my side. He stopped listening and i (mostly) stopped trying. But the feeling sucks, it really does.

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    1. thanks gg

      Its not nice to feel, and i think he genuinely didnt set out to make me feel that way, he is a man..he just doesnt think sometimes lol

      x

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  9. good to see you around tori.
    you probably hit the nail on the head when you said the word 'over-thinking'. I have been accused of this in the past. Its a bugger. Men don't appear to over think..aka they take things at face value, and women 'interpret'. Very respectfully i suggest perhaps this is what's happening here. Perhaps telling him how you have interpreted what he said will lead to a better understanding (I'd slide in the thing about acknowledgement for efforts put into dressing up for Him..lol). Most of all though, don't doubt yourself. Of course you are 'good' at sex, you are adventurous and you love it..that's half the battle. Don;t worry about trying and him not liking just ask yourself..'What if... and he likes it?' oh happy days!
    Sometime these D/s relationships can be very vanilla in their navigation.

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    1. thanks little

      and you have also hit the nail on the head, bottom line i think its accurate to assume that words/feelings can be interepreted differently to how they are actually meant..and yeah a shit load of overthinking!

      x

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  10. I'm sure he noticed! Probably he just wanted to talk and unwind from the day a bit before he was ready for action. Or maybe if he's like my Master, he wanted to make you wait, just because he can.

    I sometimes take initiative and get rejected, and yeah it is sometimes a blow to my pride and my feeling of being desirable, but I often take that feeling and turn it into an emotional masochism thing. I'm the slave, I'm here for his desires, not vice versa, and so on. Plus, I know he likes to know (and see in really obvious fashion that I'm trying to seduce him) that I desire him, it makes him feel good even when he's saying "Not now, down girl" and so on.

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    1. Yeah he noticed, but he chose not to acknowledge and thats what hurt.

      Im so not good at the whole attempt to seduce lol i think thats why it made me feel so rejected because it was a big thing for me to try!

      x

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  11. Great to see you back, over thinking or not. :)

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    1. thanks julie, good to be back.

      x

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