Sunday, 30 September 2012

When he gets me flying...i dont want to land

Been unable to blog this weekend, read them that is, i rarely will post on a weekend....well been unable to pretty much do anything but focus on him/us, it was this weekend that had been put aside to push my limits so i have been tied up..literally and metaphorically, so this evening as im recovering (well im still on a high) i logged on and settled down to catch up on blogs.

Lil's post struck a chord with me and it tied in well with an issue i have been wanting to address and also the events of this past weekend, see i had a comment made on a previous post..."better the devil you know" which was about being prepared mentally for this weekend.

"With respect, whenever I read blogs from slaves who take extreme amounts of pain-even though they admittedly do not enjoy it--all because they want to "suffer for him", my alarm bells go off.  As kink-positive as I try to be, I just don't get it.  From reading your posts I gather that your "consent" is never a consideration in your relationship.  So what if one day he decides that he wants to whip you until your skin is flayed open?  Will that be ok, because you want to suffer for him?, where are the limits, where is the concern for your well-being?

I replied to this comment, but it has stuck with me, i know that some of my posts involve heavy s/m and its not going to be something everybody gets..heck there are lots of things i dont get, so this weekend was heavy, it involved my limits being pushed, i sufferred for his pleasure, i didnt like some parts of it, other parts had me begging for more, i wouldnt want it any other way.  I dont know what my limits are yet because im still exploring and have yet to reach them, i have no doubt they are out there just not yet discovered, as for my well being....well im happy, healthy and thats what he keeps me wanting more, and i do want more.

So anyway...

The nerves really kicked in when we enter the room of doom and im given the command to strip, its standing there naked and vunerable waiting for what he is going to do first, he hooded me and then secured me to the spanking bench, my first inkling that i was going to be on this bench for a while was when he used a waist strap as well as wrist and ankles cuffs...this kept the lower half of my body fully held down with no wriggle room.

The tawse first i think or maybe it was the wide strap but i think the tawse and no starting mildy it was full on whacks and i was owwwing away as well as saying to him quite calmly "what happened to warm-ups"!  Then the cane and i didnt cope too well at first (his fault for losing my favourite one) but to get to that wanderful subspace i need to get through the first dozen or so strokes and then its worth it.  He stopped and i heard him fiddling about with something but wasnt sure what until i heard the flash going off..taking bloody photos, i did ask for photos which is unusual for me but i had my own vision of when i wanted the photos taken and this wasnt one of them.

Then something happened that has only happened once before.

He moved onto the judicial cane, i love this cane, i have found my new favourite, its a heavy cane, very thuddy, i started off counting but lost count at about 124 i hit subspace and i was gone just held there in a faze of thuddy delight and then he stopped!  I was incensed and begged for more but he refused to continue as my ass was in a mess, welted and bloody..but i didnt care, i wanted more, i was flying and him stopping brought me to earth with a bump, i pleaded but no he insisted that it would be too damaging too continue, i realise that now (especially after seeing my ass for myself) but at the time i could have happily carried on.

The whipping was next....this is what i was dreading the most..but im tired now so thats another post.

Thursday, 27 September 2012


Its normal to have periods of reactance, reactance is a behaviour mostly caused by how a submissive reacts to a dominants decision, the level of reactance is determined by how much that decision effects the submissive.

In psychology reactance is

"a motivational reaction to offers, persons, rules or regulations that threaten or eliminate specific behavioural freedoms.  Reactance occurs when a person feels that someone or something is taking away his or hers choices or limiting the range of alternatives"

When i submit to things i enjoy and i want to do there is no reactance because its within my comfort zone and i do not feel threatened by what is being asked or expected of me and because obviously its something im happy to do.

When he first introduced the rule that in his presence i should ask permission to use the bathroom there was reactance, not a lot but enough to make me get a bit anxious because using the bathroom is a need and i felt threatened that this basic human need and freedom could be denied me.  Now its been a few years since this was rule was introduced it does not bother me, i have become accustomed to it, i understand that its a demonstration of his control over a basic need, it shows me that he can choose to deny or grant me this basic need.

If he were to decide something that had an impact on my ability to do my job effectively for example give me a beating knowing that i was swimming with a class the next day and marks would be visible then my reactance would be extremely high because my job is very important to me and the impact his decision would have on me would be emotionally distressing.  He would not do this because its of no benefit to him and he is aware of the negative impact it would have on me.

As his control over me became more, so too did my level of reactance increase dependent on how much that control effected me because he was moving me out of my comfort zone, his dominance dictated my submission and how it would be demonstrated not the other way round which meant that there were times (and still are now) that there are high levels of reactance demonstrated perhaps by verbal outbursts, defiance or to withdraw into myself.

an anology

There is an Aesops fable about a fox that could not reach a bunch of grapes, so he declared that they were probably sour, the forbidden object is deemed to be less appealing, if a goal is unattainable, it will be devalued.  There is no reactance.

But on the other hand the response could be outrage, attempts to get those grapes by any means possible because they are unattainable, the more appealing they become even though it is known that they can not be got at.  There is reactance.

So it really doesnt matter how much i may want what is forbidden or denied because it doesnt change the outcome, but how i react is changable depending on how much i want what i cant have, or how i perceive his decision and its impact on me.


Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Honestly of all the things to lose

Need to get a new riding crop, he broke it whilst beating me but in all fairness it was fairly old (like its owner), not because he was using it too hard (not that im saying you were soft on me, god forbid i suggest that!).

He has also lost my favourite cane, dont ask how, i have no idea, how can a cane possible get lost its not like a mobile phone, not that that would ever get lost of course because its constantly attached to him, and i wouldnt be moaning if that got lost.  I think he left it in the car (yes it pretty much went everywhere with us...coz you never know!) and forgot to remove it when he sold the car so somebody out there has my cane and it would be quite awkward asking if they have it.

It nothing special just a bog standard cane but its special to me, its the one used that first got me to sub space, its the one used that gave me my first severe caning and i dont know why but its one that i seem to adjust to really missing it..i know its sad (as in pathetic)...its not like a pet that you get attached to.

Really if he is going to lose or misplace something why couldnt it be something i dont like, like the single tail or the inflatable butt plug..oooh shudders thinking about that, its rubber and i confess i seriously contemplate putting lots of pinpricks in it so it wouldnt be able to inflate sucessfully and then i remember what happened the time i hid the whip....ooooh bigger shudders.

So now i have to find a new favourite with his assistance  (coz im good like that, keeping him involved), there are lots of others probably more canes in his arsenal than anything else, it will be a challenge, and being a sadist he will more than happily take the challenge up (yes its probably a blatant attempt to top from the bottom) but all for a good cause you understand.

Monday, 24 September 2012

What if....M/s without the kink?

You cant miss what you have never had it is said but that doesn't stop the mind from wandering, i have not had any other kind of relationship with the bossman other than it being D/s based, we met on a D/s site and corresponded for a couple weeks to ascertain compatibility, met and our dynamic was in place from that first meeting and well nearly 6 years on things are great, wobbly moments for sure but thats to be expected.

So i have been wandering recently if we had met in a traditional vanilla way, no kink, no M/s, would our relationship have lasted as long as it has, we are opposites in so many ways which i don't think is necessarily a bad thing..opposites attract and all that, but what would be the glue that would hold us together? when the glue now is the power exchange.

Or what if we had started off in an established vanilla relationship and then progressed to D/s?

Now I'm just wandering (which is probably not a good thing) nothing more, i wouldn't want our relationship to be anything other than what it is but then i don't know any different, but people change, circumstances change, what if he or i didn't want the kink anymore? would the power exchange alone be enough?  Its highly unlikely there would ever be no D/s because his nature is to be dominant so that's not an issue and well I'm happily submissive, but kink well that's optional isn't it?  like being sadistic or masochistic, you don't need to be either of these to be dominant or submissive so is it likely that these are traits that could change and be no more?

Its possible, he could wake up one day and decide that he doesn't want or need the kink anymore!, he could lose his sadistic urges.

Yeah i knew this over thinking was a bad idea! kink does play a huge part in our dynamic although its certainly not the most important aspect, i need his control more than i need the sadism but i know should s/m no longer be a part of our dynamic i would miss it dreadfully.  However kink isn't just about s/m there are so many different forms of kink out there that we also enjoy, being controlled doesn't need to be demonstrated through kink though, his control surrounds me, his ownership of me is evident in ways that are not associated with kink at all.

I wander though even if it should happen because my submission is fed by his dominance and control over me and its pleasing him that is the driving force and what makes us both happy, i think although it would be an adjustment i would happily follow his lead in whatever direction he chose to take our dynamic.

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Different...not better, not worse

 A comment by anon on an old post of mine "Its just game playing really" asked "Is only 24/7 the real deal?" and "Is there a class A and class B type of submission?" i think anon took this particular post of mine in the completley wrong way which happens after all the written word can be open for misinterpretation.

But it did prompt me to think about these particular statements anon made, i do not think only 24/7 is the real deal its just different because obviously there are more considerations that have to be taken into account than there would be than those relationships that are online only, or for those that do not live together, not better, not worse, just different.

A relationship is defined by what the people involved want it to be, how they feel about one another, and sometimes circumstances mean little or no contact but a relationship is not measured by distance, yes im going to be honest and straight up admit that an online only relationship would not be for me, i need the physical intimacy and i dont mean just sex or s/m.

Nobody can say what is 'the real deal' because im sure to each and every person in their relationship to them it is 'the real deal' and from the variety of different blogs i follow some of which have similarities to my dynamic and others not so much the common theme is everybody is happy in their relationship so its as real to them as my relationship is to me.

Now as to a class A and a class B type of submission well i havent come accross this turn of phrase before, my feelings are that submission takes many forms, and people have differing depths of submission or rather they demonstrate their submission in different ways.  There are some that may happily be submissive in the bedroom but only in the bedroom, is their submission in that bedroom less meaningful than mine? no of course not, they are more than likely just as happy and content with their submission as i am with mine, it all comes down to differences and being different does not equate to being worse or better.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

The seven Dwarfs

The bossman was grumpy yesterday, who knows which one of the seven dwarfs he will be today, i tend to stay quiet and blend into the background as much as i can when he is in a bad mood and just try to make things easier by not distracting him with trivial matters.

I should have cut out this article i read in Cosmopoliton that i was reading in the dentists waiting room a few months back, it was about men in their 50's and apparently they are more "easy going" "relaxed" and feel more free from stresses of work....well it must be true if Cosmo says it! (tongue in cheek just in case you dont get my british sense of humour)

Well perhaps all this takes a while to kick in, he only turned 50 last November so maybe im expecting too much too soon because "easy going" and "relaxed" are not words i would use to describe the bossman and as for work...lets not even go there..seriously the man works more now i think than when we first got together.

Happygirl (a sub friend) complained jokingly that i dont really talk about the bossman much here and nor do i talk about our general interactions in our relationship, ok well i dont think thats strictly true, i do to a certain extent but mostly yes i will concede that i tend to write more generic stuff about D/s and bdsm more than i do personal insights into our life.  But in my defence what i write is very telling about how our relationship functions, i dont feel always comfortable with detailing every explicit sexual encounter or s/m session as they happen, as strange as it might sound considering i have this blog im quite a private person.

The bossman is even more private than i am, its not easy to give an insight into what he is like as a person because obviously im prejudiced but i shall try to be impartial.

He has a dominant nature in all areas of his life not just within our relationship, he can come accross as being arrogant but its more that he is very confident and assertive in what he does and says and often this can come across as arrogance.  In his professional field of work he is considered an expert and has done numerous interviews on radio, television and had articles published in magazines, his work is very important to him.

He is man that likes to be busy and has no time for idleness and that applies to himself and to others, he would have little tolerance for anyone saying "Im bored" or that they have nothing to do, hence he has many a varied interests outside of work, he has learnt to fly a plane, he is a caver, underwater diver, rockclimber, mountainbikes (not so much now..getting old lol), motorbikes..that seems to be his latest passion!

He likes trying new beers and Indian food which drives me bonkers because if i go with him when he goes away for a university class we always have to find a new Indian restaurant to try, and as much as i like Indian food myself not to the extent he does and i have given up pleading my case to have something else.

He is infuriatingly blunt and lacks tact at times which can be hurtful but he is of the mind "dont ask a question or ask an opinion if your not going to like the response" its one of the reasons im glad he does not have input on this blog, thats not to say i could stop him if he wanted but thankfully he is happy not to....which fills me with relief.

Now im off to find out what dwarf he is feeling like today.


Monday, 17 September 2012

oooh Mr Rochester

Having studied English Literature at college i have read a fair amount of classics novels and i enjoyed them, the last couple of years i have started re-reading them slowly and im surprised by how much more i enjoy them now, perhaps its that i am more mature enough to be able to relate to the emotions being that much older, i have just finished reading Jane Eyre after watching the latest film dramatisation of it with my daughter last week.

I found myself immersed into it and this is what i like about reading when you pick up a book and its so well written and vividly descriptive in its story telling it takes you away from reality from the time you pick it up until putting it down and after you have finished reading there is a sense of loss, that you will miss these characters, i think in my opinion the older style books (the classics) pull this off better than todays modern fiction.

What struck me about Jane Eyre is the interaction between the books title character and Mr Rochester, forget todays D/s fiction Mr Rochester pulls off the image of a dominant male far more sophisticatedly and accuratley than Mr Gray, of course in the period of time that it was written women were subordinate to men.  But this is a story of passion, you can feel it between the two characters and this all achieved without explicit sex scenes or any sex scenes come to that, the underlying sexual tension is there, the power play between them is subtle and it draws you in.

It made me think that as much as i love the bdsm that is part of our dynamic and the great sex its the subtle aspects of D/s that bring me security and emphasise the feelings of being owned, being of service and taking pride in doing things that may perhaps be considered mundane yet they help to make his life easier and more comfortable and i dont do these things just because im submissive, or because i have to, i want to, i want to look after him because he has given me so much more than i could ever give back.

Friday, 14 September 2012

Better the devil you know

Sometimes the bossman will give me advance notice of his intentions, still unsure of whether i prefer knowing or not knowing what he has in mind.

I like being pushed further but its difficult for obvious reasons, its entering into territory that is new or i know i find difficult and dislike and in this case i know its going to be a struggle, he just stated that "I think its about time we got your back and front nicely marked up with the single tail"  i hate it, it doesnt fill me with excitement (ok, maybe a little bit), i have experienced it enough to know it hurts a lot and i havent been able to settle into it, on the few occassions he has used it i fight and struggle against the restraints and the verbal tirade is shameful....thankfully during s/m its the only time he will overlook me swearing at him.

At the moment im thinking of the last time he used it, which was months ago, and it was probably one of the worst moments personally for me, he picked out the single tail and told me to get on the cross and i refused outright, that doesnt happen generally, there may be a little resistence at times but this was the first time i stood defiantly refusing to obey him.  In hindsight (isnt that a wanderful thing?) my biggest error in judgement was telling him that i wasnt going to let him whip me and i wasnt going on the cross, that is just like a red rag to a bull and left him with little choice, he will not tolerate being told how he can and cannot use me.....i did eventually get on it and i did get whipped, which was made worse by getting myself worked up into a state and he was harsher than he probably would have been if i had done as i was told immediatley.

So we have set aside a weekend the last one of this month to have to ourselves (if all goes to plan), time has to be made to fit in around work, children etc so this particular weekend its going to be a fair bit of pushing limits within s/m and other areas.  We have discussed it, i know what he would like and im going to do my damn best to give him what he wants and thats all he expects, i think im glad i have advance notice of what he intends because i can start trying to get myself focused, i know he wont change his mind once he has made his mind up its pretty much written in stone so yeah 2 weeks to dwell on it.

The annoying thing is i know i want this even though im part dreading it, it will be afterwards that i really reap the benefits, i get a huge buzz out of being pushed and enduring for him even though the liklihood is when it happens i know that no matter how prepared i think i am i will be standing there begging him not to, trying to talk him out of it which will be ignored....and the kicker is he loves that, so its all win win for him.

Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Vanilla with sprinkles

I cycled 61 miles yesterday with my best mate (fondly referred to as The Loon) and im numb, i cant even feel myself pee (hey im a sharing kind of girl), and my ass and thighs feel like they have been thoughrly beaten, im sore and aching this morning but as my mate cheerfully kept saying "no pain no gain"...yeah right im not feeling it at the moment and as i pointed out to her at least when im feeling numb and sore from s/m i get a few orgasms out of it.

We stopped for half an hour to rest and the loon in her matter of fact blunt way said "I said to nige (her hubby) that I wouldnt mind watching you and the bossman having an s/m session" my first thought was im glad she knows the heimlich maneuver because i nearly choked on my banana, then absolutley not, get that idea right out of your head, there is no way i will let that happen.  I have always been open with her to a certain extent of what we do because i trust her implicitly and she is in a way more sexually confident than i am and isnt judgemental, heck if she knows im marked she pesters to have a look at intrigues her.

Then what with those books making headline news which she has read and we have discussed, its conjured up these images that she finds exciting and she is all for sexual experimentation..not quite sure her hubby is as enthusiastic..although i did laugh when she said she made him read the books.  So yeah now she just wants to watch, and im not being co-operative, she doesnt see what the big deal is, its not like she hasnt seen me naked before and she has (in a non sexual situation), you have told me bits and those are her arguments.  Its still a no, and it will always be a no, she pouted for a bit and then moved on in a complete change of subject to talk about her new outfit she has bought for an upcoming wedding....phew subject closed.

The truth of the matter is and what i told her is i dont want her to see me like that, its different talking and reading about it, she only knows a little of what we do, i think it would change her perspective of me and potentially damage our friendship and i wont risk that....what i didnt tell her is there is that teeny weeny part of me that finds the idea appealing, i do get off on voyuerism both watching and being watched but some ideas are best left as ideas...this is just one fantasy of hers that wont make reality.

Monday, 10 September 2012


Being humiliated is often associated with negative connotations, to make someone feel shamed, to intimidate, but it also brings about the feelings of humbleness and submission, the tricky part is identifying and separating negative and positive humiliating acts and the effects they have on the submissive.

I find humiliation is an effective tool to use to enable me to 'let go' to break away from being the independent, assertive working mother, the woman todays society approves of, because this is what women generations before and today have fought for, to be treated fairly and equal to men, we can have it all.  I have no argument with this, i agree and support that women should have the same rights as men but mostly i support the right as a woman to have choice, i can have it all but my all includes submitting to a man which society isnt so embracing of.

So it can be conflicting at times, or i find it is, i have to keep this very important part of who i am hidden away, its barely acceptable to have a submissive nature, to actually submit to another is not generally something people will speak up about, its funny how we have come so far in so many ways, sex is more openly discussed, we are indeed more liberated today, for me my freedom comes in the form of consensual slavery which doesnt fit.

Humiliation frees me from this conflict, being debased takes me to a place where i can shed societies doctrines, i want to feel less than him, i dont want to be his equal, i need to be taken beyond the shame of the humiliation and welcome it.  That place is far far away from the normal rules, where being called a slut/whore/bitch does not have negative connotations, where kneeling and worshipping his feet is not demeaning to women, its a place where im most happiest and content because im free to be me.

Humiliation 'play' is also something i do enjoy a great deal and we do a lot of it because thankfully he loves it as well, i like being debased, to feel weak and helpless, to be treated with disdain and to feel worthless, its not about damaging my self esteem or shattering my confidence its more focusing on being able to 'let go' and be happy to enjoy these moments and feel no shame because i do. 

Humiliation within M/s dynamics or bdsm isnt complicated, its us humans that are complex and its our experiences and societies doctrines that make humiliation personal to the individual, and therefore humiliation cannot be defined because a particular act that i may find humiliating another may not...we all have 'triggers' that will either be positive or negative.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Knowing what i know now

Knowing what i know now if i was single and looking for a dominant to have a tpe dynamic with i have a clearer understanding of whats important to me and what i think makes for a healthy dynamic.

1)  Communication

Talking and listening, this cant be stressed enough, and its a 2 way street, its important that time is made to sit and talk open and honestly, listen to each other, not just about kink etc but anything, to learn about each other.  There should be time set aside when i can speak freely without fear of repurcussion (so long as its respectful) to know that i am being heard and not dismissed, i dont want a dominant that has the attitude that he doesnt need to listen because he is Master so its only what he thinks, says etc that matters.

2)  Consistencey

I believe this is a foundation to building trust, i dont think trust happens overnight, it takes time to establish and consistencey aids in establishing trust, i need to know he is a man of his word and when he makes a decision he will stand by that, i need the security of knowing he is not going to change his mind or rules/expectations on a whim just because he is Master.

3) Accountability

Just because they may be dominant does not mean they know it all, do not make mistakes and are never wrong, i want a dominant who will acknowledge his mistakes and take responsibilty for them, the same would be expected from me, i dont want a dominant who thinks because he is Master he is always right and i should just accept that.

There are other things, but these are what would be most important to me initially. On a more lighthearted note though i would also want....

a sadist whom is competent in his abilities and can take me to the edge, push me over but also be there to pick me back up again

someone who i can laugh with

someone who can humiliate and degrade me in the most primal of ways but makes me feel all the more alive for it

But im not looking, i hope never to be looking, i have what i would want and for that i am very grateful and lucky that he found me.

Thursday, 6 September 2012

Asking for what i desire

Its much easier when i dont have to make a decision or a choice, its easier when im told what to do and he instructs me on what he wants, and i like this, i prefer it this way so why the hell do i put up a struggle sometimes and fight against it?  He likes me to tell him what i desire, he likes me to beg him to hurt me, to fuck me, to humiliate and degrade me, i would much rather he just did it, its difficult sometimes to express these desires.

Asking for what i desire or like is not topping from the bottom, he is still very much in control because he can choose to give or deny, and although i find it difficult to ask/beg or to describe in detail what i would like, if it pleases him for me to do this then that should be more important than my discomfort.

When he asks me what i like or what i desire, rather than see it as him not taking control which is a common misconception it is better i think to see it as actually giving him more control because expressing to him my wants and desires exposes more of myself to him and the more he knows of what makes me tick and what triggers my fantasies, basically getting in my head the more effectively he can assert his dominance.

Im quite sure im perplexing sometimes, im happiest when choices are removed, i dont want him to give in when i put defences up, and he doesnt but then i get all difficult because he doesnt back down! he asks me what i desire etc and i struggle with that, and i complain that i would rather he just did what he wanted.....but then asking for what i desire is what he wants....doesnt mean i will necessarily get it!....yeah im sure i drive him bonkers sometimes.

Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Clearing the cobwebs away

I made a beef wellington today, i was well pleased with myself because it was my first attempt and although i enjoy cooking a lot im not very confident and i tend to stick with the same old menu of dishes, they all seemed to like it and well no ones complaining of feeling sick so far...lets just say i have been banned from doing fish pie again...we were all ill!

I emptied all the cupboards in the kitchen, cleaned them out, put everything back in again, then i stood looking at the cupboard under the stairs debating whether i was up to the challenge, its become the place where everyone seems to just stash stuff that they dont know where to put anywhere else, so i took the plunge and i found a new hurty toy that i had bought for Master, hidden it away and forgot all about it, some nipple clamps, weights and lots of rope.....hmmm a nice combination there and usually it would get me going but not today, i put them in a black bag and stuffed them to the back of the cupboard....out of sight, out of mind.

When im feeling out of sorts i tend to over clean if there is such a thing, burning off the frustration to be truthful, im being denied sexual release and he seems to be doing this a lot lately, the only negative aspect of it im finding so far apart from the obvious is my craving for pain it seems is becoming less, im not asking for it, i cant remember the last time i did ask him for pain, when it happens i enjoy it but initially im not in the mood.

Anyway the kitchen looks good enough to be in a show home, i cooked a new meal, got rid of 4 boxes of junk and killed 2 spiders so all in all i feel quite satisfied.

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

A slow awakening

Way back in the beginning when we first got together if i behaved in a way he didnt approve of or i did something that i knew i wasnt allowed i would be punished, it was made clear why i was being punished, if it was something i wanted but i knew i wouldnt be allowed i would weigh up in my head whether it would be worth the punishment.

There were a few things that i did consistently and i knew i wasnt allowed to but i would accept the punishment and move on, the punishments increased in severity on each occassion that i repeated the behaviour he did not like.  I was you could say more focused on wanting to do what i wasnt allowed and the punishment was just something i had to endure as a consequence.

Then after perhaps a year or more, probably closer to 2 (yeah i know im a slow learner!) a flip switched on in my head and it wasnt about the punishments anymore it was his disappointment in me that hurt more, and consistently disobeying him lowered his expectations of me and there was this realisation that his approval and him being pleased with me was more important than being able to do what i knew i wasnt allowed.

Knowing he is not happy with me because of a way i have behaved leaves me with this sick feeling in my stomach, and i just want to make it right in any way i can, i cant stand the thought of him not being pleased with me, the punishments still are not nice, they are not meant to be, but they can be endured, his disappointment is harder to bear.

A lesson

I do not like or enjoy public humiliation (private oh yes) and that extends to here on blogger on well, so yeah well punishment fits the crime and all that.

Writing on blogger is something i enjoy, interacting and commenting on other blogs is something i enjoy, i like the community feel of it, being able to do all this is something that Master allows me to do and therefore it is something he can take away if he should choose to do so.

I am pretty much allowed to write freely otherwise it would be missing the point entirely of what this blog was set up for, however i need to keep in mind that what i write on here and on comments on other blogs is a reflection on him as my Owner.  My behaviour and his expectations of me are reasonable so if i am asked (being asked does not mean i can refuse) to alter a part of my behaviour for example excessive use of what he considers foul language then i should do so without sarcasm or complaint, these traits are not attractive and he expects better.  I should be thankful that i am allowed to write on here and contribute to other blogs, i need to remember that i do not have any privacy from him.

Monday, 3 September 2012

How do i know its the 'right' way?

A common phrase that pops up a lot on blogging and in general is "its what works for you thats the most important, there is no right and wrong way" or words to that effect and this is so very true and i say it myself frequently because i think it is important that there is an understanding there is no 'correct' way to do this.....but i had an interesting discussion yesterday evening and it was pointed out that for a newbie is this conflicting and confusing because how can they know what is a healthy dynamic and what isnt if its preached there is no right and wrong way...if they meet a 'predator' dom and he tells them that this is how it is...well then it must be right mustnt it because there is no right or wrong way, and they dont know yet what works for them because its all new?

The bossman is the first dominant i have pursued a tpe dynamic with so from the very start i have trusted in his experience and followed his lead that this is how it is, i havent defined how it is, he has, he laid down the foundations of what would be expected and in the beginning there is that sub frenzy to be taken into account so its when the sub is potentially most vunerable to manipulation.  So how do i know that im in a healthy relationship and that i havent been indoctrinated into thinking it is when i have known no different?  What makes for a healthy tpe relationship and a healthy submissive?

Nearly 6 years into this dynamic i can only go from how it makes me feel, i am happy, i am inspired by him to want to please him, sure there are times i feel fear but its a fear i enjoy and is generally related to s/m activity, i feel safe, loved and secure, all these reasons lead me to believe its a healthy dynamic.

A post on a UK bdsm site InformedConsent had the op asking "he has access to all my bank accounts and when I get paid he withdraws it and puts it into his account, Im not comfortable with this but he is Master so I dont question him" this is by her account her first relationship, she has no experience and they have been together less than a year.

This one sentence in her post had me raising red flags, it would be easy to say 'well she shouldnt be so stupid, who hands over their bank details to someone they barely know' but the reality is it does happen, similar situations happen..the sub accepting whatever the dominant decides because isnt that how it should be? after all there is no right or wrong way is there?

Its easy to say 'i wouldnt do that, im not easily led, etc etc' but when its your first D/s relationship its all new and exciting and i admit that i would have been susceptible to going along with something even if it did give me moments of doubts because i was caught up in the excitment of the whole idea. 

So im going to try to avoid saying there is no right or wrong way because it is conflicting, i think its more accurate to say there are different ways and structures within ttwd but there are wrong ways.


Saturday, 1 September 2012

Dont grow up too soon

My 10yr old daughter came home from school a few months ago and announced that she knew how babies were made and matter of factly stated "its when the boy puts his willy in the girls mouth" so i asked her where she had got this information from and it was from the new girl in her class.  I told her that this was wrong information and gave her the facts, explaining exactly what went where to which she was quite mortified and stated that she thought what she had been told sounded better!..did have to stiffle a laugh at that point.  I did reply however that maybe it did sound better but it was not how babies were made and she was quite satisfied with that answer and off she went to play.

Now im a firm believer in replying to childrens questions as honestly as possible and dependent on their age will determine to how simple and basic or not i keep the answers, i would rather my children have the facts than playground fiction.   Its very difficult these days to shield children from sex and sexuality, they are more exposed to it than i was as a child, when i was 10 and reading girls magazines they were about pop stars etc,  a magazine my daughter likes to read which is aimed at 8-12 year olds had an article in it last month about how to apply make-up.

I realise times are different now, but as a parent ideally i want my children to be children for as long as possible but its like fighting a losing battle and im drastically out numbered by the media, internet, friends etc, however ultimatley i have the responsibility to monitor what my children are exposed to which is easier the younger they are, its a lot less easier the older they get.

My son asked a few weeks ago if i would buy him some condoms, it took me completley by surprise but i held it together and we discussed it, every part of me wanted to say no and pull the 'your under age' card which he is at 15, i wanted to tell him as his mother that there was no way i was going to allow this and i wanted to let rip...but i wouldnt have helped.

I am pleased that he felt comfortable enough to come to me and talk about it, we discussed it calmly, i told him all my concerns, him and his girlfriend are both young and although their bodies may be matured, mentally they are still children, i told him that they are both under age and they have plenty of time to discover sex, i told him of all the risks.

Ultimatley my son and his girlfriend are going to do what they want and they have made their minds up, i could have ranted and raved but it would have been pointless, im pleased that he talked to me about it and relieved that they are sensible enough to use contraception.  Do i agree with them, and think its ok? not at all, later after we had finished speaking i went to my bedroom and cried, i do think he is too young both of them are, i do worry about the possible consequences, i am worried about the emotional impact on them both, im his mum i want to protect and shield him from potential hurt, i want him to be a child, he is a child no matter how grown up he thinks he is at this very moment he is in his room playing his Playstation for goodness sake.

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding things in the world but its also the most worrying and scariest thing.