Better the devil you know

Sometimes the bossman will give me advance notice of his intentions, still unsure of whether i prefer knowing or not knowing what he has in mind.

I like being pushed further but its difficult for obvious reasons, its entering into territory that is new or i know i find difficult and dislike and in this case i know its going to be a struggle, he just stated that "I think its about time we got your back and front nicely marked up with the single tail"  i hate it, it doesnt fill me with excitement (ok, maybe a little bit), i have experienced it enough to know it hurts a lot and i havent been able to settle into it, on the few occassions he has used it i fight and struggle against the restraints and the verbal tirade is shameful....thankfully during s/m its the only time he will overlook me swearing at him.

At the moment im thinking of the last time he used it, which was months ago, and it was probably one of the worst moments personally for me, he picked out the single tail and told me to get on the cross and i refused outright, that doesnt happen generally, there may be a little resistence at times but this was the first time i stood defiantly refusing to obey him.  In hindsight (isnt that a wanderful thing?) my biggest error in judgement was telling him that i wasnt going to let him whip me and i wasnt going on the cross, that is just like a red rag to a bull and left him with little choice, he will not tolerate being told how he can and cannot use me.....i did eventually get on it and i did get whipped, which was made worse by getting myself worked up into a state and he was harsher than he probably would have been if i had done as i was told immediatley.

So we have set aside a weekend the last one of this month to have to ourselves (if all goes to plan), time has to be made to fit in around work, children etc so this particular weekend its going to be a fair bit of pushing limits within s/m and other areas.  We have discussed it, i know what he would like and im going to do my damn best to give him what he wants and thats all he expects, i think im glad i have advance notice of what he intends because i can start trying to get myself focused, i know he wont change his mind once he has made his mind up its pretty much written in stone so yeah 2 weeks to dwell on it.

The annoying thing is i know i want this even though im part dreading it, it will be afterwards that i really reap the benefits, i get a huge buzz out of being pushed and enduring for him even though the liklihood is when it happens i know that no matter how prepared i think i am i will be standing there begging him not to, trying to talk him out of it which will be ignored....and the kicker is he loves that, so its all win win for him.