Monday, 3 September 2012

How do i know its the 'right' way?

A common phrase that pops up a lot on blogging and in general is "its what works for you thats the most important, there is no right and wrong way" or words to that effect and this is so very true and i say it myself frequently because i think it is important that there is an understanding there is no 'correct' way to do this.....but i had an interesting discussion yesterday evening and it was pointed out that for a newbie is this conflicting and confusing because how can they know what is a healthy dynamic and what isnt if its preached there is no right and wrong way...if they meet a 'predator' dom and he tells them that this is how it is...well then it must be right mustnt it because there is no right or wrong way, and they dont know yet what works for them because its all new?

The bossman is the first dominant i have pursued a tpe dynamic with so from the very start i have trusted in his experience and followed his lead that this is how it is, i havent defined how it is, he has, he laid down the foundations of what would be expected and in the beginning there is that sub frenzy to be taken into account so its when the sub is potentially most vunerable to manipulation.  So how do i know that im in a healthy relationship and that i havent been indoctrinated into thinking it is when i have known no different?  What makes for a healthy tpe relationship and a healthy submissive?

Nearly 6 years into this dynamic i can only go from how it makes me feel, i am happy, i am inspired by him to want to please him, sure there are times i feel fear but its a fear i enjoy and is generally related to s/m activity, i feel safe, loved and secure, all these reasons lead me to believe its a healthy dynamic.

A post on a UK bdsm site InformedConsent had the op asking "he has access to all my bank accounts and when I get paid he withdraws it and puts it into his account, Im not comfortable with this but he is Master so I dont question him" this is by her account her first relationship, she has no experience and they have been together less than a year.

This one sentence in her post had me raising red flags, it would be easy to say 'well she shouldnt be so stupid, who hands over their bank details to someone they barely know' but the reality is it does happen, similar situations happen..the sub accepting whatever the dominant decides because isnt that how it should be? after all there is no right or wrong way is there?

Its easy to say 'i wouldnt do that, im not easily led, etc etc' but when its your first D/s relationship its all new and exciting and i admit that i would have been susceptible to going along with something even if it did give me moments of doubts because i was caught up in the excitment of the whole idea. 

So im going to try to avoid saying there is no right or wrong way because it is conflicting, i think its more accurate to say there are different ways and structures within ttwd but there are wrong ways.



  1. I love this post. I worry all the time that my descriptions of what I enjoy will be twisted by a sexual predator on a woman who does not consent to such things. Oh, the world is a scary place in so many ways.

    Your change in wording works too - there are definitely wrong ways. (Also, I have been looking for a term to describe sub frenzy, and there it was. Just sitting in the middle of this post. Perfect descriptor.)


    1. Thanks kitty, i didnt use to worry to be honest, i hadnt given it much thought until i was talking to a friend and thats what prompted the post.

      Its not going to change what i write but its making me think differently about promoting that there is no right or wrong way.

      Sub frenzy yes thats something that occurs a lot and its a vunerable place for a sub to be in.


  2. what a great post tori and i feel for that sub who is handing over all her personal details. it is very hard to know what is the right way and scary as to how a predator can manipulate a sub who is in that 'sub frenzy' stage, and if you meet the wrong kind of Dominant that is a lesson learnt the hard way...all we can do is to advise them if help is asked for.

    blossom x

    1. hi ya blossom

      Its difficult to read posts such as the one i read regarding this sub and her dom because one can try to give suggestions and 'help' but this can be taken as critiscism and there is that instinctive need to stand up for the dominant.


  3. Hi, I am not a slave or sub, and new to the community, but reading a lot...I think there should be some definitive "something" out there for many have posted, being a slave does not mean you are a doormat, unless you want it to be. I sometimes wish there was a "kink" authority for newbies to have a "go to" safe source. Thank god I found some good blogs that not only tell me what to look for an a good Dom, but demonstrate with their posts about their experiences. Keep on posting please, you guys are the best learning tools out there....

    1. hello Anitmama and welcome, hope to hear more of you i bloggerland.

      Thankyou for your comment, it would be nice perhaps to have a 'go-to' place, but i do think the best way to gather information is to do what your doing and thats read.

      It can be overwhelming with all the different dynamics out there but its a source of information and im a firm believer in you can never learn too much.


  4. There is no right or wrong way ... if done with respect.
    There is no Dom model or sub model best followed ... if done with respect.
    There is nothing that can or should be off limits between a couple ... if done with respect.

    The key to a safe, secure, Healthy relationship, be if Dd, D/s, M/s, TTWD, or any other BDSM-related acronym is respect for oneself and respect for one's partner.

    A good relationship allows full and equal communication between partners over concerns, limits, fears, desires, and fantasies. If at any point one partner fears or feels that all of those are being dismissed for the selfish gain of the other, and all attempts to address that feeling lead to zero change, then the dynamic is becoming unhealthy.

    Mrs. AP and I talk about what we want, what we don't want, what our hard and soft limits are, what we look for in ourselves, each other, and other partners. I know I can bring up anything with her, but I take it upon myself to do so in a calm, respectful, and tactful matter. I know she can do the same with me.

    Unhealthy D/s dynamics are abusive even when the chains, whips, and cuffs are put away. Unhealthy dynamics do not allow one person to feel safe. Unhealthy dynamics do not allow the victimized person to feel like an escape is possible.

    There is no right or wrong way to maintain a healthy dynamic, but there are several unhealthy dynamics out there, and you're right; unhealthy IS wrong.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

    1. hi Mr AP

      Yes i think respect is very important and honest and open communication, ultimatley its about consent and both enjoying being in the relationship and exploring together.

      I do like your last paragraph that sums it up well, thankyou.