A common phrase that pops up a lot on blogging and in general is "its what works for you thats the most important, there is no right and wrong way" or words to that effect and this is so very true and i say it myself frequently because i think it is important that there is an understanding there is no 'correct' way to do this.....but i had an interesting discussion yesterday evening and it was pointed out that for a newbie is this conflicting and confusing because how can they know what is a healthy dynamic and what isnt if its preached there is no right and wrong way...if they meet a 'predator' dom and he tells them that this is how it is...well then it must be right mustnt it because there is no right or wrong way, and they dont know yet what works for them because its all new?
The bossman is the first dominant i have pursued a tpe dynamic with so from the very start i have trusted in his experience and followed his lead that this is how it is, i havent defined how it is, he has, he laid down the foundations of what would be expected and in the beginning there is that sub frenzy to be taken into account so its when the sub is potentially most vunerable to manipulation. So how do i know that im in a healthy relationship and that i havent been indoctrinated into thinking it is when i have known no different? What makes for a healthy tpe relationship and a healthy submissive?
Nearly 6 years into this dynamic i can only go from how it makes me feel, i am happy, i am inspired by him to want to please him, sure there are times i feel fear but its a fear i enjoy and is generally related to s/m activity, i feel safe, loved and secure, all these reasons lead me to believe its a healthy dynamic.
A post on a UK bdsm site InformedConsent had the op asking "he has access to all my bank accounts and when I get paid he withdraws it and puts it into his account, Im not comfortable with this but he is Master so I dont question him" this is by her account her first relationship, she has no experience and they have been together less than a year.
This one sentence in her post had me raising red flags, it would be easy to say 'well she shouldnt be so stupid, who hands over their bank details to someone they barely know' but the reality is it does happen, similar situations happen..the sub accepting whatever the dominant decides because isnt that how it should be? after all there is no right or wrong way is there?
Its easy to say 'i wouldnt do that, im not easily led, etc etc' but when its your first D/s relationship its all new and exciting and i admit that i would have been susceptible to going along with something even if it did give me moments of doubts because i was caught up in the excitment of the whole idea.
So im going to try to avoid saying there is no right or wrong way because it is conflicting, i think its more accurate to say there are different ways and structures within ttwd but there are wrong ways.