Way back in the beginning when we first got together if i behaved in a way he didnt approve of or i did something that i knew i wasnt allowed i would be punished, it was made clear why i was being punished, if it was something i wanted but i knew i wouldnt be allowed i would weigh up in my head whether it would be worth the punishment.
There were a few things that i did consistently and i knew i wasnt allowed to but i would accept the punishment and move on, the punishments increased in severity on each occassion that i repeated the behaviour he did not like. I was you could say more focused on wanting to do what i wasnt allowed and the punishment was just something i had to endure as a consequence.
Then after perhaps a year or more, probably closer to 2 (yeah i know im a slow learner!) a flip switched on in my head and it wasnt about the punishments anymore it was his disappointment in me that hurt more, and consistently disobeying him lowered his expectations of me and there was this realisation that his approval and him being pleased with me was more important than being able to do what i knew i wasnt allowed.
Knowing he is not happy with me because of a way i have behaved leaves me with this sick feeling in my stomach, and i just want to make it right in any way i can, i cant stand the thought of him not being pleased with me, the punishments still are not nice, they are not meant to be, but they can be endured, his disappointment is harder to bear.