Tuesday, 4 September 2012

A slow awakening

Way back in the beginning when we first got together if i behaved in a way he didnt approve of or i did something that i knew i wasnt allowed i would be punished, it was made clear why i was being punished, if it was something i wanted but i knew i wouldnt be allowed i would weigh up in my head whether it would be worth the punishment.

There were a few things that i did consistently and i knew i wasnt allowed to but i would accept the punishment and move on, the punishments increased in severity on each occassion that i repeated the behaviour he did not like.  I was you could say more focused on wanting to do what i wasnt allowed and the punishment was just something i had to endure as a consequence.

Then after perhaps a year or more, probably closer to 2 (yeah i know im a slow learner!) a flip switched on in my head and it wasnt about the punishments anymore it was his disappointment in me that hurt more, and consistently disobeying him lowered his expectations of me and there was this realisation that his approval and him being pleased with me was more important than being able to do what i knew i wasnt allowed.

Knowing he is not happy with me because of a way i have behaved leaves me with this sick feeling in my stomach, and i just want to make it right in any way i can, i cant stand the thought of him not being pleased with me, the punishments still are not nice, they are not meant to be, but they can be endured, his disappointment is harder to bear.

12 comments:

  1. It does seem to take a while to get there, but disappointment is absolutely worse than any physical punishment.
    Perhaps that has something to with the fact that it isn't accompanied by any sense of absolution, just that frantic feeling of wanting them to be pleased with us...

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    1. Somethings im quick on the uptake with but when it clicked that pleasing him was more important than my wants and desires it made it somewhat easier.

      x

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  2. That feeling of disappointing him is something I learned very early on in our relationship. Before I even had a thought of D/s or DD or any of those other initials. TBH, it is something I have always related to the fact that I identify as am Empath. I think that's why I have no interest in punishment spankings. Well, that and the fact that I like spankings.

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    1. hi faerie

      lol it took me a while to click, like i said above to lil, i need punishment to make thinks right, to atone mostly and there not always of the physical kind, even though i enjoy pain when its used as punishment its a completley different headspace that im in.

      x

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  3. Replies
    1. lol im glad, im not sure it made sense sometimes i natter on so thanks

      x

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    1. yep all is good thanks Kitty, just sometimes there are blips and this was a blip lol

      x

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  5. The dissapointment factor goes a long way with me too. I just go crazy with wanting to make up for it. It's not a good feeling at all!

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  6. No its not and i kick myself when i do disappoint him because i know it could have been avoided.

    x

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