Friday, 25 April 2014

All tied up or not

"shouldn't you be able to hold position instead of having to be restrained, it shows more willing submission rather than having to be forced, especially being as your a slave"

you know, im not sure if this is meant sardonically or not, however im in a very jolly mood as i have had a glass of wine and chocolate, which is a rare treat for me these days, so i shall give the benefit of the doubt.

Firstly being a slave has nothing to do with it in my opinion, unless i missed the memo stating otherwise, you know what niggles me is this whole idea that there are these set in stone ideas of what a slave should or should not do, so lets get rid of some common myths shall we.

1) a slave cant or should not have a safeword.......bollocks

2) a slave cant or should not have limits.....yeah bollocks to that one as well

3) a slave is a 'level up' from being a submissive....and that can join the bollocks list as well, being a slave does not make one more superior than being a submissive, just perhaps a different 'type' of submission.

4) a slave is weak.....quite the opposite, it takes a lot of strength to submit completely to the will of another.

Now, holding position, does it show more willing submission?

if you think it does, then thats fine, personally its not something i have given a lot of thought to, my Master has certainly never implied as much on the times i have needed to be restrained, so i figure if he hasnt got a problem with it then i havent either.

I love to be tied up, not just for the purpose of s/m but just being in bondage alone without any other kink does it for me, i find it calming, and it gets me into a very submissive head space, very quickly, if i had my way i would spend a lot more time in bondage than i do now.

Now, when it comes to s/m, sometimes i can hold position quite comfortably, and other times i cannot as much as i want to, when your say, holding onto a cross and a whip is striking you hard, taking you beyond your endurance level, pushing you beyond your normal limits its very difficult to maintain position, for those that can, fair play to them.

But im a wriggler in general, even without it necessarily being harsh im inclined to thrash about, so for safety reasons its better that im restrained......certain implements more so than others you dont want hitting you in the wrong places if one should unexpectedly move their position.

Plus, i can take a lot more when im restrained, not just because i cant escape it, but because as explained above it just puts me in a really good headspace, but yes of course because i am restrained it reinforces in my head that i have simply no choice but to accept what is happening and generally, albeit not always stops any fighting against what is happening.

All in all, there are other ways, ways that are more important to me, and to him that show my willingness to submit.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014


good times, shitty times, highs and lows....he pisses me off and i piss him off at times...thats life, thats relationships.

sometimes i let my mind wander to how good it would feel to give him a good slap when he is all "because thats the way it is" when i moan and bitch about how he is being unfair....and i should have giant holes in my tongue from holding back when he has a goddam answer for pisses me off.

and, and i dont always want rational, the man is so infuriatingly calm and rational when im having one of my shit-fits (the fact that i might be throwing a paddy because i havent got my own way, is not the point) well it might be...but lets overlook that.

and...yes im on a about this

"you should learn to love that what you dislike, you should learn to love it because it pleases me"


"you should ask for things you dislike, rather than it always being what you like"

well, ok then Yoda...

if i liked everything that i disliked, then i wouldnt have nothing to ask you for that i dislike....but im sure there will be a reasonable fact im counting on it.

and they say woman are confusing!

and who the heck likes everything anyway.

and i dont know why im getting my knickers in a twist about this, but it just feels good to let it out.

a mark of time

Had a lovely Easter weekend, a quiet one for once which im not complaining about, as much as i love to have family and friends over it was nice to just not have to think about entertaining.  Did go to a friends house on Saturday night for dinner, 12 of us in total, just lovely to wind down in great company with lots of laughs, especially when the hosts 4yr old announced "daddies been to the toilet and blocked it again"...ahh you can always count on kids to show you up!

I have been thinking a lot lately about my permanent mark, i have been wanting one for a few years now, i did like the idea of a tattoo, i already have one on my thigh, but the bossman isnt too keen on tattoos, and it got forgotten about until a month or so ago when i asked him if i could have one.

As he mentioned in the answers to his questions, he is considering using the single tail to mark me, and honestly that was the first time it came to my attention that he was thinking of this, he did in our discussion of marking me give me the opportunity to choose how i would like to be marked, but me being me and being crap with making decisions said i would prefer he chose....clearly i need to be better at making decisions!

I did consider the violet wand, as with an attachment it can be used for branding but the brand is only temporary although it does last a long while, months, but it defeats the object of wanting a permanent mark...but yet branding has its appeal ....its something i think im going to look into a bit more.

I am excited about it, to have something permanent that marks me as his, not that its necessary, i know im his, but its like the symbolism of the collar, which i dont have as he places no value on them, and yeah one might argue that if something were to go wrong, with us, i would be stuck with it, unlike a collar that can be removed....but if that were to happen, its a reminder of a time in my life that i have no regrets about.

Friday, 18 April 2014

How im found

Lil on occasions does posts on the keywords/phrases that are on her blog in the stats, and its something i have never done, so i figure i would give it a go, but mine are really rather boring and hmm predictable, but what struck me is on the 'let search engines find me' i have mine unticked, but yet certain phrases will find me! i dont want to be found via search engines!

I clicked on month, rather than all-time.

and coming in at number 10 is

pains pleasure bdsm blog..........well yeah like i said predictable


painful anal plug......this has to be the inflatable plug, bloody thing really needs to go missing.


pain slave blog....there is no avoiding that i like pain clearly.


orgasm denial....what are orgasms?


internal enslavement.......ahh yes, adapting ones mindset to slavery, its more about the mental than the physical, opening ones legs is the easy part, opening and freeing your mind is the more challenging but satisfying part.

no. 5

humiliation pleasure....and what a pleasure it is.

no. 4

flogged boobies.....this is probably why my most popular post of all time is the one with the pic of my well flogged boobies....and the flogger isnt really one of my favourite things, dont dislike it, but just doesnt hold much appeal to me either.

no. 3

tori at pains pleasure....yep that would be me.

no. 2

rope my tits......oh i do love having my tits bound with rope and tortured.


how to make tits purple using rope.....well, bind them tightly with said rope, flog, cane or whip them and let nature take its course, for added decoration apply nipple clamps and weights, if you really want to be sadistic, reverse the order, and apply clamps and weights before you commence beating the tits, not only will the tits be purple but the language from your victim may well be very colourful too!....failing that colour them in using felt tip pen...ensuring its non permanent!

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Lights, camera action

and the last 3.....finally got there.

Declan asked

"do you take photo's or record any of your scenes, only one I noticed on your blog?"

The bossman will sometimes take photos, but this is rare, and only for our viewing pleasures,  the photo on my blog was something i really wanted to put up at the time, but really i would rather let the words speak for dont go holding your breath for more explicit ones here lol....but never say never!

"are you an exhibitionist?"

no.  Quite the opposite, although we have had some good times when we did play with others, and its been many years since we have, i am quite shy and reserved face to face, i much prefer just private times between the two of us.

"does he share you with others?"

depends on how you mean by share i suppose.  When we used to play with others then i would submit to other dominants to the extent my Master had agreed to, and thats all i feel like saying about that.


Porn is something that does not appeal to me, however i have and still do enjoy watching s/m scenes, but those that do not contain sexual activity..just simply pure s/m.....been a long time since i have watched any though.

The bossman would years ago, have me watch these sorts of scenes, sometimes seeing a visual of what he wanted to do to me, made it easier, and sometimes not, i recall when he first brought up about tit skewering...i was like no fucking way (a lot of things i had that initial reaction in, and ended up loving them!), and i subsequently watched a home video of it.....yes it excited me as well as scared me but seeing it happening fed my curiosity...yeah yeah we all know what happened to the cat lol...clearly i have 9 lives.

We have never watched porn together, (other than straight s/m) it holds no appeal to him either, besides what would he need porn for...he's got me!  and i know it might sound silly but i think i would be a bit put out if he were to...but thats probably because i dont get the appeal myself.

However im not anti-porn, i do have a guilty pleasure in that i love male on male sex, but again rare that i will seek them out.

I do like erotic images, tastefully done, ones that i would be comfortable hanging up in the home, (albeit perhaps just the bedroom), less is more for me in terms of erotica, i like images that leave you to your own imagination rather than it being all cock or cunt.

Monday, 14 April 2014

Take me somewhere only we know

A thought that came up in conversation regarding my recent insecurity about s/m was that i have never had an issue with humiliation, and it gave me something to ponder on, why i have never had problems with it but yet have had with s/m.

I think, or the only reason i can come up with is that after any humiliation scenes we have had, i have never felt any animosity towards him afterwards, or struggled with emotions whereas i have in respect of it just being solely s/m.

I love humiliation, the more degrading it is the more i revel in it, i particularly love anything that objectifies me, to put me in a place where im nothing, simply a body to use for his pleasure does it for me, excites me in a totally different way than s/m does, he can treat me like the proverbial doormat but rather than bringing me down, it makes me feel exhilarated, and in those moments i feel like i will do and be anything he wants.

The only similarity i feel about humiliation as i do about s/m is wandering how far will i go, the more i have experienced eventually the edges soften, and i want more, to delve further, to find and experience those 'first new thrill' feelings.

Also, i dont ever have thoughts of not being enough for him in respect of humiliation as i have had with s/m, he admitted that "you are the most filthiest woman I have ever known" (aww mr romance) and well he has 'known' a lot of women, so its probably the only area that i  push his boundaries in as well as him pushing mine, everything else it feels like im trailing behind in and he is waiting for me to catch up.

But like most anything, its about context, he can slap my face and i love it, i will ask for more, harder, but if i speak disrespectfully to him and get a quick sharp slap to the face im left feeling 'little' and ashamed because he is displeased with me.

Yet, there is a correlation between humiliation and s/m, their paths interwine quite frequently, for me, i realise what i do enjoy about s/m, perhaps more than the physical acts themselves, is the emotional/mental aspects.  I love the way he will taunt me, create mindfucks that play in my head long after the scene has ended, that even though im in pain orgasms will rip through me as he works the whip over my body, and i still cant get my head around hurts for fucks sake, im begging for it to stop, but we both know that what i ultimately get off on is that i dont get a say in when it stops.

Its often said, and i say it myself on here, and on others blogs that it should be about having fun, but it came as somewhat of a revelation during the conversation that i tend to enjoy the whole of the experience more when its not fun....well not for me anyway, i like emotional masochism, when afterwards im suffering, body bloody, covered in welts,bruises starting to form and my head is still reeling from the humiliation and he takes no measure to comfort me.

I used to struggle with that, well perhaps more that i resented him, maybe hate him a little, but he knew me, he knows me, i would rebuff his tenderness if he attempted it in those moments.  I want to wallow in my suffering, savour it if im honest.

Later in bed, as i curl up into him, both of us exhausted, sleep comes easily, all the humiliating treatment, the pain he has inflicted on me, how he made me feel like something he has scrapped off the bottom of his shoe, are replaced with simple contentment, and as his arms fold around me, loved.

Thursday, 10 April 2014

Pick n mix submission

getting there.

his precious pet asked

"I wander why you cant have the dressage whip as a hard limit?"

An aspect of how our dynamic works, and an important part, is me handing over total control to him, and that included what limits i had, now its important to bear in mind this did not and does not mean that he straightaway broke them, it simply means that he has the control over whether they happen or not.....and somethings may never happen at all.

I trust him, i trust his integrity, and that he would not intentionally do anything to me that would damage me in any way, physically or mentally, when he has pushed me past what was once a limit he has done so with great care, he wants me coming back for more not running away!

I do hate the dressage whip, and yes i did state that i wish i could have it as a hard limit, however, it doesnt damage me, albeit yes of course it leaves marks and it hurts, and i cant handle it well at all,  but not liking something is not a valid reason to take it out of commission.

Part of being submissive, (or perhaps i should say what works for us,) in my opinion is getting past the idea that its always going to be enjoyable, that its just about submitting to what one likes and wants, if it was just about me indeed only submitting to what i liked and wanted, i would ask myself "am i really submissive?" or perhaps more apt that im not cut out to be in a tpe dynamic, knowing what his expectations are.

Perhaps its simply about compatibility. I wanted, still want, well need really, total control, i thrive under it, so i cant have my cake and eat it by picking and choosing what i will or wont submit to.  He provides me with what i need and vice versa, and sometimes yeah it means submitting when i dont want to and to things i dislike, but these times are not often.

If something, not just s/m but anything, really caused me great distress, enough that it could be detrimental to me, to us, then he would not go there, even if he wanted to himself.

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

You command, i obey....well i do eventually

*still apologising that im behind, not just with questions, but replying to comments, catching up on blogs etc*

little girl asked

"Has there ever been a time that you refused an order and if so, what were the consequences?"

Im cringing, because i really dont want to sound like a little miss goody two shoes but no, i have always obeyed, perhaps not immediately but ultimately i do as im told, there has not been anything or a circumstance (he may correct me on this) where i have not eventually done what he has ordered me to do.

On the times i have hesitated, protested, how he dealt with this was circumstances dependent, most of these times has been during s/m or humiliation scenes, out of the realm of kink and in general im obedient, thats not to say i dont have a little grumble at times, because i do.  Nor am i saying its always so easy, its not, i have had my fair share of little temper tantrums over the years, and more than likely more in the future.

an example on how he has dealt with my refusals, protests etc

So, once i was bent over the bed and he was whipping me with a birch, i wasnt restrained and after a pause i moved away, he told me to get back in position, and i wouldnt, i told him blankly "no"   He put the birch down, got into bed and picked up his magazine to read, not saying a word to me.  So i was stood there, and initially i felt a sense of victory and got into bed next to him, but that passed very quickly, i had disappointed him, i could have used my words differently in how/why i was finding it difficult but i didnt, and his reaction, or rather non-reaction unsettled me.

I got out of bed, bent over it and waited for him to continue, and he did, and then the issue was discussed, how i could have responded differently etc.

I believe there are a few things that have helped in establishing my obedience and avoiding outright refusals.

 right from the very start of our relationship he was firm, start as you mean to continue, train of thought, i learnt very early on that not obeying would result in consequences i wouldnt like, and it was dealt with immediately, and i would still have to do what i resisted, protested, complained about.

he has and does never ask anything of me that im not capable of, i may not always like it, feel like it, or want it, but i am capable of it, he has never set me up to fail, and for the most part (although i dont always think it at the time) is reasonable in what he does request of me.

and quite simply, i like doing as im told, i want to please him, im content in being controlled, dominated, it makes me happy, so why go against what makes me, us happy.

Playing catch up

Its been a busy week but in a good way, got a lot of things sorted out, personal stuff that was causing a lot of stress, but then i admit to being a stress head, im trying to embrace the idea of not worrying about things i have no control over.......positive thinking!    Changed internet provider, what should have been a 24hr switchover turned into 5 days, listening to my kids moan, you would have thought the world had ended! had both their birthdays in one week, i cant believe my eldest baby is 17.

I am so sorry that i have taken so long getting to reply to questions, all i can say is, March had been somewhat of a difficult month for me, but im ready to move hello April.

Betsy T asked

"Reading a post you wrote about bisexuality, I wander do you and your man share a woman?, or does he just want you to be with her?"

We have never shared a woman, or any threesomes (or more come to that!), its not something that appeals to me at all, primarily i would say for him he likes watching me with another woman, and i have liked watching him with another woman...well i used to.  Its been many years since we have played with others, and i guess i have changed since then, now, well, now, i dont like the thought of sharing him, i know it would be only temporary ie for a scene but i dunno it doesnt have the same appeal as it used to......deep down if im going to be truthful i prefer monogamy.

Geekie Kittie asked

"Did you always know you were submissive?"

No.  well, from late teens i had these fantasies, of being told what to do, being controlled in a sexual way but i didnt associate this with being submissive, i had no knowledge of D/s etc, it was just these feelings i had, that i didnt know what to do with.

"Did you always know you were a masochist?"

no, that was totally unexpected.  I was as mentioned above, more interested by the idea of being dominated, s/m didnt appear on my radar at all!  it was only when into my 20's and i started getting information online about submission when kink, s/m came to my attention.

And even then it still didnt hold any appeal, there was somethings i was at a  push be willing to try, but very tame things, my primary focus was in being dominated.

"Did you have much experience in either, before the Bossman?"

I had one dominant before Master, and that was when i realised that indeed i was submissive, that it wasnt just something i had to get out of my system, i loved being dominated, it was like i was discovering this whole new person, well i was.

and he introduced me to different kinks, nothing really heavy at all, and i found myself liking it wanting to try more, the turning point was when he first caned me, i was scared, but i was open minded enough by this point to give it a go....and i loved it, i didnt want him to stop, but he wouldnt continue, it was past his comfort zone.

Which is not by any means a fault on his part, he was simply not a sadist, he liked 'light' play, but it became apparent i needed/wanted more, and i started looking up images/videos online of s/m and whereas in the beginning it scared the fuck out of me, i then found it exciting, i was curious about it....(not all of it, some of it still scared the fuck out of me)..

and when we parted ways, and i was ready to start looking again, i sought out a sadistic dominant...and met Master.