Take me somewhere only we know

A thought that came up in conversation regarding my recent insecurity about s/m was that i have never had an issue with humiliation, and it gave me something to ponder on, why i have never had problems with it but yet have had with s/m.

I think, or the only reason i can come up with is that after any humiliation scenes we have had, i have never felt any animosity towards him afterwards, or struggled with emotions whereas i have in respect of it just being solely s/m.

I love humiliation, the more degrading it is the more i revel in it, i particularly love anything that objectifies me, to put me in a place where im nothing, simply a body to use for his pleasure does it for me, excites me in a totally different way than s/m does, he can treat me like the proverbial doormat but rather than bringing me down, it makes me feel exhilarated, and in those moments i feel like i will do and be anything he wants.

The only similarity i feel about humiliation as i do about s/m is wandering how far will i go, the more i have experienced eventually the edges soften, and i want more, to delve further, to find and experience those 'first new thrill' feelings.

Also, i dont ever have thoughts of not being enough for him in respect of humiliation as i have had with s/m, he admitted that "you are the most filthiest woman I have ever known" (aww mr romance) and well he has 'known' a lot of women, so its probably the only area that i  push his boundaries in as well as him pushing mine, everything else it feels like im trailing behind in and he is waiting for me to catch up.

But like most anything, its about context, he can slap my face and i love it, i will ask for more, harder, but if i speak disrespectfully to him and get a quick sharp slap to the face im left feeling 'little' and ashamed because he is displeased with me.

Yet, there is a correlation between humiliation and s/m, their paths interwine quite frequently, for me, i realise what i do enjoy about s/m, perhaps more than the physical acts themselves, is the emotional/mental aspects.  I love the way he will taunt me, create mindfucks that play in my head long after the scene has ended, that even though im in pain orgasms will rip through me as he works the whip over my body, and i still cant get my head around that......it hurts for fucks sake, im begging for it to stop, but we both know that what i ultimately get off on is that i dont get a say in when it stops.

Its often said, and i say it myself on here, and on others blogs that it should be about having fun, but it came as somewhat of a revelation during the conversation that i tend to enjoy the whole of the experience more when its not fun....well not for me anyway, i like emotional masochism, when afterwards im suffering, body bloody, covered in welts,bruises starting to form and my head is still reeling from the humiliation and he takes no measure to comfort me.

I used to struggle with that, well perhaps more that i resented him, maybe hate him a little, but he knew me, he knows me, i would rebuff his tenderness if he attempted it in those moments.  I want to wallow in my suffering, savour it if im honest.

Later in bed, as i curl up into him, both of us exhausted, sleep comes easily, all the humiliating treatment, the pain he has inflicted on me, how he made me feel like something he has scrapped off the bottom of his shoe, are replaced with simple contentment, and as his arms fold around me, loved.