Thursday, 27 December 2012


So its all over for another year, and as much as i love it (xmas that is) im now needing to get the house back to some sort of normal, i dont like chaos and xmas is always chaotic what with being inundated with family (why do they always want to come here!) and i dont like being out of routine, every year i plead my case to just pack up and bugger off out of it but its never going to happen.

I need be.

Lately i have realised im craving objectification and humiliation more than i am s/m, not saying i dont feel the need for pain as i do but im leaning more towards the mental aspects, and i need it most when there is disruption.   I have tended to look for pain to sate my masochistic needs but emotional sadism is enough, he can be cruel without having to inflict pain on me with 'tools', and i love it, it can be subtle or brutal....subtle sometimes has the biggest effect.

He does not need to shout, his voice is calm but demanding, his words need not be aggressive or fueled by anger but still they leave an impression, he does not need to say anything at all, his expressions, his stance, his eyes tell me all i need to know.....his silence can be deafening.

His dominance can be subtle and that is enough, when before i would need to have a physical demonstration of it ie via s/m to make me 'feel' submissive, to give me that sense of 'grounding' when i need it, im realising i dont need it, i enjoy it but i dont need it.

Friday, 21 December 2012

Signing off for Christmas

Last day of work today, its the latest the school has ever broken up for Christmas and the children are all wound up, we have had the nativity, class parties, Christmas Fayre and today will be a calm day..well as calm as it can get with a bunch of excited children!

So then its home, and i think im nearly done, few presents left to wrap, oh god the christmas food shop is left to do and thats always a nightmare, but its slowing down, the end is in sight and im ready to just relax and enjoy.

I wont be posting anymore before Christmas, althought i suspect i will be reading others whilst i sip away at my festive booze.

So i wish all of you whom celebrate a Happy Christmas and to those that dont well enjoy whatever you do do.


Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Three wise women

Would have asked directions
Arrived on time
Helped deliver the baby
Brought practical gifts
Cleaned the stable
Made a casserole
and there would be
Peace on earth.

My mate sent me this and it made me chuckle especially after my rant to her, i was having a 'bad hair man day', the bossman was being completely unfair (in my eyes), we will ignore the fact that i mostly like the fact he can be unfair because at that moment it didnt suit me for him to be unfair...really why cant he just be unfair when i want him to be! ...*sigh* yes i know it doesnt work like that for us.

So yeah well i was seething all day and me and my big mouth just couldnt keep it contained any longer and i challenged him, and now im pissed at myself because why do i do it? i know he doesnt like it, and its not even smart or funny and i let myself down. 

I need 3 wise women at home, no scrap that i need a Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio to sit on my shoulder and be my consience, to tell me to shut up when i should, but failing that i will settle for a glass of the nice bottle of brandy that i had bought for me....well it is technically Christmas isnt it.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Playing with others (when it goes wrong)

We havent 'played' with others for over 2 years, when we did it was fun, but there was one time when it wasnt, it was just awful, it could have had a detrimental effect on our relationship but we got through it, we learnt a lot from that situation.

We knew this couple and they were active in the local scene, the dominant in the couple wanted the four of us to meet up privately, the bossman had his reservations initially but i got on well with the female submissive, unbeknown to me a plan was hatched between them, i was the only one that wasnt aware.

We got up one morning and he announced we were going out, i wasnt allowed to ask where, i did notice him packing up a bag with some 'toys' so i thought we were going to go somewhere isolated and play, it didnt cross my mind that we were going to meet others.

It was a long drive so we stopped off for breakfast and i had butterflies in my stomach, i dont like surprises so i was on edge, this got worse when he took out a blindfold and told me to put it on for the duration of the journey, and then we stopped, he got out and he was talking to someone in whispers, i just sat there, i dont want to say scared but definitley really nervous and anxious.

Then i was led into their home still blindfolded, straightaway i was told to strip, Master was talking to the other man and i picked up then who it was and i relaxed, there was some 'sexual play' between me and the other sub then Master and the other dominant (lets call him Mr H) caned me simeltanously before stopping for a break.

The submissive (miss t) who previously i had always got on with and liked was distant, didnt speak to me, i felt like i wasnt wanted there, i knelt quielty at Masters feet while he spoke with Mr H and i tried to initiate a conversation with miss t but her responses were brief and it was clear that it was an effort for her to talk to me.

Mr H took photos of me whilst i was lying naked next to Master, which i was surprised at Master allowing but i kept quiet.

It just went downhill from then on, Mr H was focused on me and i did feel sorry for miss t, she was sat on a sofa while her Master was seemingly more interested in using me which i didnt want to happen, he made me feel uncomfortable, i cant really put my finger on what exactly but i didnt want him touching me, they seemed so different than the people we knew, it was like i didnt know them at all.

It became clear that Mr H was just interested in me and i wasnt just imagining it, Master and miss t may as well not have been there, he told me crawl over to him and before i did i looked up at Master for his persmission which he gave and this irked Mr H he wanted me to obey him instantly without looking for direction from Master..but that wasnt going to happen unless i was told to by my Master.

He wanted to see me on the wooden horse and said that was what he planned next, Master interrupted at this point and said that it was up to me if i wanted to, at this point i knew Master had came to the same conclusion as me because for him to give me the decision he was letting me know i didnt have to and he wouldnt be disappointed if i i did.

Master then said it was time for us to leave, which Mr H was visibly annoyed about, he didnt get what he wanted, we left, it was strained but it was the aftermath when the shit really started.

It started with emails being sent to me by Mr H, which i passed to Master to read, i spoke to miss t and got an understanding of why she was so 'cold' towards me, at the time i was in my early 30's and Mr H and miss t were late 60's and MrH saw me as a younger bit of stuff to get his hands on, i dont blame her i would be angry as well if Master was willing to put me to one side just to get his hands on someone younger.

Master emailed MrH and there were threats made, he had photos of me, he knew our names and could expose us which generally if your active in the scene its respected that you dont 'out' people, it got nasty.  Miss t made a post on a uk bdsm site about what had happened, i was described as being "in a drugged up state" it was just awful.

I cried a lot, i was scared of the repercussions, my job, Masters job, my children, family etc, it was a nightmare, Master was more calm thank goodness and kept assuring me it would all be ok but i blamed him, he put us in that position and it was his fault, i trusted him to keep me safe and he failed, it rocked us for a while.

I realised later that i was taking it out on him because i needed to, but i know it wasnt his fault, we learnt a lot from it, and actually it made us stronger.

We have 'played' with others and have had great experiences, ones that i can look back and have fond memories of, will we again? i dont know, never say never i guess.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Ruled by cock

"If you take some more for me then you can have my cock"

Oh gosh am i really that desperate for it that i will endure more when i really dont want to, of course he could carry on anyway but think....carrot on a stick..but in this case cock on my man.

Its just tit torture is not my favourite, the nipple clamps are tight and with weights attached every little movement is torture when being hit with a riding crop right on the top of my tits, every blow illiciting whimpers but also sending signals straight to between my legs where im dripping, its hurting and dammit i want his cock.

"look at me"

Im in pain and aroused, the arousal is intensified when i look at him, his desire is evident, god i love to watch the man bring me pain, to see how much it excites him, to know that i am giving him this pleasure and this makes me want to suffer for him more...that and i want his cock.

Needles now, the pain just doesnt register anymore, i love the sensation of the needles pushing into the skin, watching him do his 'work', so focused on task, the way he looks at me as the needle goes in, both of us consumed in our desires, the 'dance' between sadist and masochist, so intimate, erotic and intense.


Finally!  kneeling at his feet, i wait for my 'reward' and soon am eagerly sucking at his cock, and the sufferring was worth it.

Friday, 7 December 2012

Getting with the program

I have never associated being controlled with being robotic, robotic implies no feeling, no emotions etc and i have those, there is i suppose the element of 'programmed' behaviour, years of following his rules and submitting to his preferences have indoctrinated it into me how he likes me to behave, to be able to act accordingly whether he is with me or not.  It is learned behaviour.

For me personally i learn from him being consistent with his expectations (which is very important to me), from being held accountable (ie punished) when i disobey or behave in a way that does not please him, and from making mistakes. 

As with any relationship as time goes on you get used to each other, discover each others 'quirks', traits that we tolerate because we love them etc, a difference with M/s is that i have had to make more adjustments than he has, there is the element of no negotiation which there would be in the majority of vanilla relationships, if he really hasnt liked a trait of mine he will work on changing it, i have had to adapt to his preferences.

I dont mean completely changing me, its not about 'ridding' me of my personality, im submissive but i cant say that submitting came naturally, its needed coaxing out, its always been there but years of previous indoctrination by society's, family and friends expectations have made it difficult to adjust to enslavement in some ways.

But as the years have gone by it has got easier, there is progress (even when i cant see it) by no means do i think im completley 'there' but im comfortable with our relationship and how its progressed, im pretty sure there are times he has felt like strangling me but then that feeling is mutual. 

Im beginning to have a clearer understanding of what consensual enslavement means to us, or him to be more precise, i had and have my own ideas but they dont always 'mesh' with his and thats when i get conflicted because i want him to see from my perspective and alter the path he has chosen to take us down. 

Its not me who chooses, its him, i dont have control.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

If you should stumble

Occasionally it may well happen that a vanilla person may stumble accross one of the 'kinky' blogs, curiosity may make them stay and read, it might prompt them to ask questions or they might think 'wierdos' and move on.

I read a post today and a comment was made by someone that had stumbled on this particular blog and the comment was offensive, i have had my fair share of 'nasty' comments and i try to ignore them but usually my sarcastic nature gets the better of me.  I wander what makes people make such disparaging comments on dynamics they clearly know nothing about, the kind part of me thinks its just a lack of understanding and its human nature to 'knock' something we fear, something we deem as not being 'normal'....or its just plain ignorance, they want to bitch for the sake of it...i dont know maybe they think they are being clever when really its quite sad.

I do think we all judge to one degree or another, it may not be intentional but it happens, i do think those in alternative relationships are perhaps more 'open' and tolerant of others, perhaps because of the very nature of some of these relationships not being considered the 'norm' by those that stumble accross us.

Anyway it just niggled me when i read this comment, i dont mind questions, opinions but to blatantly bash someone about something they clearly know nothing about just shouldnt be tolerated.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

The stamp of approval

I have never followed the concept of 'submission is a gift' the idea of it makes me uncomfortable, but i guess its the way we interpret it and to me it smacks of meaning that the dominant should consider himself lucky that i have chosen to 'give' my submission to him.  Im of the mind that submitting to the bossman is a privilage and im grateful to him for taking my submission, to mould and shape as he wants...and for allowing me to submit to him.

I believe everyone no matter their race, religon or sex are equal, and therefore as human beings im equal to the bossman but within our relationship there is a huge amount of inequality and thats the way i like it.

He instructs and i obey, he gets to tell me what to do, i dont tell him, etc etc and then there is the matter of approval.

I have a need to seek and want his approval, he does not need nor want mine, im concious that what i say and how i act is something he would approve of, on the times i have behaved in a way he dislikes and he makes his displeasure clear im reduced to feeling like a scolded child and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that i have disappointed him.

Im grumbling at the moment because i want pain and he isnt being too forthcoming, im allowed to ask for it but a no is a no and not negotiable, sulky/bratty behaviour is a no, he has no tolerance for that so acting up to get pain would be pointless it would just result in him being disappointed, so im left with waiting...and fuck patience is so not my strongest point.

He likes me 'wanting' and even though im not enjoying it so much i am enjoying that its pleasing him keeping me in this state of im making do with this tub of Ben and Jerrys ice cream as compensation.

Edited to add..this post started off going somewhere and then went off course!