So its all over for another year, and as much as i love it (xmas that is) im now needing to get the house back to some sort of normal, i dont like chaos and xmas is always chaotic what with being inundated with family (why do they always want to come here!) and i dont like being out of routine, every year i plead my case to just pack up and bugger off out of it but its never going to happen.
I need re-centering...to be.
Lately i have realised im craving objectification and humiliation more than i am s/m, not saying i dont feel the need for pain as i do but im leaning more towards the mental aspects, and i need it most when there is disruption. I have tended to look for pain to sate my masochistic needs but emotional sadism is enough, he can be cruel without having to inflict pain on me with 'tools', and i love it, it can be subtle or brutal....subtle sometimes has the biggest effect.
He does not need to shout, his voice is calm but demanding, his words need not be aggressive or fueled by anger but still they leave an impression, he does not need to say anything at all, his expressions, his stance, his eyes tell me all i need to know.....his silence can be deafening.
His dominance can be subtle and that is enough, when before i would need to have a physical demonstration of it ie via s/m to make me 'feel' submissive, to give me that sense of 'grounding' when i need it, im realising i dont need it, i enjoy it but i dont need it.