Monday, 25 November 2013

Cleaning and out with the bump

I would like to report that i have been occupied with lots of kinky stuff...but alas this is not the case, i have been spring cleaning, or perhaps winter cleaning is more apt.

I like to go through the house in a major way before Christmas, curtains taken down washed or changed, walls wiped down, skirting boards cleaned, furniture cleaned...all the things that are not done on a regular basis.

But the best part of last week was going with my friend shopping for her nursery, she only has less than 2 months to her due date and my gift to her was decorating the nursery, its been so much fun.  I am appalled though at the insensitivity of some people, making references to having a baby at her age...she is 46.

Her husband and her have been married nearly 20 years, and trying for a baby pretty much the same amount of time, and nothing, went for all the tests, tried IVF and still no success, and they stopped perhaps 5 years ago...gave up.

Then such wonderful unexpected news she got pregnant.

Mostly the support from family and friends has been positive, its been other expectant mothers that she has come into contact with that have been judgemental, which understandably has caused her to get upset, honestly it does seem to me that being a woman you cant win.

If you have children too young there is criticism, too old its wrong, if you have them at the 'right' age and still work full time your judged on why have children if your not going to raise them, if you dont work and are a stay at home mum you can be deemed 'unproductive to society'.....i wanted to flatten the bitch that said that to my sister-in-law....or you get comments such as "well what do you do all day"....seriously!!! people who say that clearly cant have children or a home!

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Feeling good about degredation

 A comment asking if i have any self respect, they referenced that i engage in watersports and how degrading it is.

Right, i like piss play, its perhaps odd that im quite happy to talk about this more than i am sex, and maybe odder still that i prefer being pissed on than i do having his cum all over more hmm comfortable with it.

I dont see it as a big deal, although i appreciate its not everybodys cup of tea, i love the humiliation of it (although i do question, is something truly humiliating if its enjoyed?) but anyway yeah it does it for me, i especially love it when he has me on my knees, his piss rushing over me and then pushes me face down into the shower floor and has me lick it up (yeah it tastes awful).....but fuck i love degrading treatment.

 A dictionary definition of degrading is: 'harmful to the mind or morals; to lower in character, quality, value, to debase'

Yes i do think it can be harmful, its all about context isnt it? pretty much all of what we do is about context, the way in which its done, the circumstances and how the parties involved feel about it.

For example im not very confident with sex, (better than i was) but nevertheless its an area in which im sensitive about, so if he were to say something even during 'play' like "you should be grateful im fucking you, because your useless, i get more satisfaction with my hand"  it would hit me hard, it would hurt and play on my mind in a negative way, it certainly wouldnt boost my confidence in this area!

However, when im on my knees covered in his piss, he might say "look at you!, you filthy stinking cunt, covered in piss" i cant get my mouth around his cock quick enough, i dont know why im wired this way, i just am....the more degraded he makes me feel the more sexually responsive i am.

So its important to know each other well, to know what would be positive triggers but more importantly what would be negative, and like everything this is achieved through communicating, learning about each other.

It in no way means i have no self respect, if anything it makes me feel good about myself because im comfortable in the knowledge that when all is said and done he respects me, he loves and cares about me.....and he values me because i can take enjoyment from being degraded by him.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Free in my bonds

Joey recently wrote about a bondage demo he attended

I love bondage, whether it be for the purpose of s/m, sex or just because he wants to have me tied up, being restrained just heightens the particular experience of what is going on.  It can feel relaxing, restricting,(obviously), harsh, sensual, can make me feel safe, scared, aroused, calm, many different emotions dependent on its purpose.

But what i most love and enjoy about it, is how free it makes me feel when i am bound..which sounds a contradiction of terms....but its the same as how all of this (tpe) enables me to be 'free' but yet i am owned. 

I love the helplessness of being defenceless against his ministrations, whether it be pain or indeed pleasure, it serves to remind me that i have no choice in what and how he wishes to use me, i am bound for his pleasure, to use as he pleases.

It helps me to surrender more easily, to get to that place where im just floating, and sometimes im gone so deeply im in a state of mind where i believe i will do and be anything he wants, just so vulnerable to him.

Its a place that belongs to just me and him, nothing and nobody else matters.

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Oi! come out the closet

Yes, yes i know lol (love our lurkers day) was yesterday...but im terrible for procrastinating, so im late to the 'party'.

But this is simply the way i see it, if your lurking then im going to assume that something about all this interests, intrigues, excites, terrifies, the life out of you...or you just might be a pervert and thats ok too.....although if your perving here, you may well be disappointed with the lack of sexual adventures...but i know a good free porn site if you want the addy.

So im going to leave it at this...

if you have something to say, say it, ask it.....there is no such thing as a stupid or wrong question....ok that might be bollocks....but i promise to lay off the sarcasm....that promise is only valid for 30 days from today.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

The bubble starts to deflate

What was and remains my main desire is the need to be controlled, to be told what to do, and when starting down this path with the bossman i relished that i was with someone that could provide me with this.

I had it all worked out in my head of what it would be like, what i wanted, the first few months i was very much caught up in sub frenzy, the excitement of it all, finally getting to experience some of what i had fantasised about.

I came into the relationship with a little experience of D/s and bdsm, enough to know that this wasnt something i had to get out of my system and move on...i needed it, whereas the bossman has 20+ years behind him, he has owned subs/slaves before.

and so it was understandable that there would be this clash of what i thought it would be like, should be like and well what he wanted and expected.

He can come across as quite arrogant, and yeah sometimes he is...but i like that in certain scenarios...well when it suits me...other times he infuriates me because he can be so goddamn "its my way, or no way" attitude.

However he showed incredible patience, calmness, he persevered when perhaps some might have washed their hands of me, when i threw my tantrums, balked at his commands, sulked and protested..because i was realising that my ideas of this submitting malarkey wasnt living up to fantasy...and i wandered if actually i was up for this, was i really submissive?......he stood firm, he believed in me.

I feel such a prized idiot for saying this but well it is what it is...but for all my ideas and fantasies i had, i hadnt considered that actually being submissive may mean submitting when i dont feel like it, when its something i dont want and i dont like.....i was caught up in it being about me, me me...i was happy to do whatever when i wanted, if i liked it/desired it.

and shock! horror! he wanted and expected more than that.

and yet enslavement was offered and i took not sure which one of us was the more bonkers..him for thinking me ready or me for thinking i could manipulate him into how i wanted it...because i was still holding out for this fantasy image in my head!

Sunday, 10 November 2013

Well thats another story

*my muse seems to have run off to the same place lil's did a while this has been sitting in drafts for a while, and i feel bad because i did say umm weeks ago i would blog about it*

As i was asked, and i myself do find it interesting to hear how people got into ttwd/got together, and its more preferable than posting what i was going to,  i have blogged about this before....i think! 

But more specifically "thats another story" (mentioned in a previous post) was alluding to naivety when it came to s/m and adapting my ideas of being submissive to his (oh what a wake-up call it was), but i suppose i should start at the beginning.....grab a coffee this could well be a long post.

Master sent me a message on a website based in the UK, called InformedConsent, it was a standard message, saying he had read my profile, giving a bit more information about himself that was not on his.

Now anyone that has dealt with online dating specifically D/s sites will know what a bloody nightmare it is, a single submissive looking for a dominant will always attract the masses, and within a couple days of signing up i was inundated with messages.

The majority of messages were deleted, the usual suspects being the "I am Master, you obey" type of assholes, the "you wanna do some online sex", "hey bitch, i want to fuck you every which way" get the drift?

Some were interesting, but their profile information given was not what i was looking for, i have to be honest i was pretty specific about the sort of dominant i was looking for, i wanted someone older than me, the older the better, a sadist as i was interested in exploring s/m having had a taste previously, and definitely someone experienced....i wanted to be controlled, told what to do etc....obviously.

There were 2 that really caught my interest, Master as well as another dominant, i replied back to both of them, what made me more responsive to Master was as we initially messaged back and forth, he asked about vanilla interests as well, actually more vanilla than anything else...and i liked built up a level of being comfortable with him.

We exchanged email addresses as well as IM id's and 'talked' most days, after a week ish he gave me his phone number and said to phone him whenever i felt comfortable enough.....i did the next day.

I was so nervous, it took a lot to pluck up the courage and part of me as the phone was ringing was hoping he wouldnt answer, he did, immediately he put me at ease, talking general chit-chat..again making me relaxed and comfortable, he thanked me for phoning him, appreciating how difficult it might have been.

Of course D/s came up, and we talked a lot about roughly what we were both looking to get out of the arrangement...i have to say at this point it was understood that it would not be a relationship, as in he made it clear he wasnt looking for romantic entanglement, and neither was i...i wanted a dominant, to learn from, to learn more about myself.....romance/love wasnt on my certainly wasnt on his..he wanted a submissive, preferably a slave....his idea of a slave that is...which really didnt fit with mine!

I felt he had his reservations about me, although he in my mind fitted what i wanted, the same could not be said for him, he preferred older submissives, those with experience...basically not a newbie..which to all extent and purposes i was...certainly in the respect of what he wanted from an M/s perspective.

Within 3 months we agreed to meet up at a place that was suitable for both of us, i know there are recommended guidelines to follow for safety's sake, im afraid we broke everyone of them, in less than 2 hours we were in the bedroom, and i was naked tied to the bed being tormented lol

and well his 'toy' collection terrified the life out of idea of s/m was a little maybe not naive but more a "oh fuck, i was thinking spanking, pretty decorative nipple fluffy floggers" and ahem yeah well eyes well and truely opened.

Um, i havent actually got to how my ideas of being submissive and the process of enslavement differed from his...which was meant to be the point of this

ok this is longer than i anticipated..there will have to be a part 2!

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Abscence makes the heart grow fonder...

Yeah im talking about blogland, absent not through personal choice....and thats all im saying about that!

So many posts i need to catch up on.

Its odd because this blogging can be very addictive and for the time i was not able to blog/comment i was not a very happy girlie at all, and then when i was able to come back and blog/comment (Friday), i would load up this page....and just sit looking at it, completely at a loss.

Im wandering if its possible for one to go backwards?  all is good with the bossman and i, so its not that at all.....hmm how to explain in a way that makes any sense at all!

Its like in the beginning when the bossman and i got together, he was strict, there was no let up, it was i guess (looking back) setting the boundaries and ensuring they was adhered to, i think that it was needed to build up consistency, (to learn that he would stand his ground/would not 'give-in') setting the groundwork i suppose in which i think comes the sense of security.

Then time flies by, a sense of contentment, perhaps complacency creeps in, not enough that it causes great problems but i admit if im not kept on a tight proverbial leash i tend to after a while start pushing at those boundaries, and although he puts a stop to can start escalating, behaviour deteriorates, i get antsy.

As of late it seems he has gotten more stricter...which i really didnt think was possible!, but i wander if thats just my perception and in actual fact its my behaviour that has got out of more inclined to think thats the case.

There has been incidences over the last 6 months or so where my behaviour has been appalling, and im ashamed of that, its needed drastic improvement, and he has been ensuring that it does improve, i feel like im having to 'earn' privileges...or perhaps im being reminded that the 'freedoms' i do have are not to be taken for granted because they can be taken away.