What was and remains my main desire is the need to be controlled, to be told what to do, and when starting down this path with the bossman i relished that i was with someone that could provide me with this.
I had it all worked out in my head of what it would be like, what i wanted, the first few months i was very much caught up in sub frenzy, the excitement of it all, finally getting to experience some of what i had fantasised about.
I came into the relationship with a little experience of D/s and bdsm, enough to know that this wasnt something i had to get out of my system and move on...i needed it, whereas the bossman has 20+ years behind him, he has owned subs/slaves before.
and so it was understandable that there would be this clash of what i thought it would be like, should be like and well what he wanted and expected.
He can come across as quite arrogant, and yeah sometimes he is...but i like that in certain scenarios...well when it suits me...other times he infuriates me because he can be so goddamn "its my way, or no way" attitude.
However he showed incredible patience, calmness, he persevered when perhaps some might have washed their hands of me, when i threw my tantrums, balked at his commands, sulked and protested..because i was realising that my ideas of this submitting malarkey wasnt living up to fantasy...and i wandered if actually i was up for this, was i really submissive?......he stood firm, he believed in me.
I feel such a prized idiot for saying this but well it is what it is...but for all my ideas and fantasies i had, i hadnt considered that actually being submissive may mean submitting when i dont feel like it, when its something i dont want and i dont like.....i was caught up in it being about me, me me...i was happy to do whatever when i wanted, if i liked it/desired it.
and shock! horror! he wanted and expected more than that.
and yet enslavement was offered and i took it...im not sure which one of us was the more bonkers..him for thinking me ready or me for thinking i could manipulate him into how i wanted it...because i was still holding out for this fantasy image in my head!
tori, has that original fantasy of how you want it ever changed?
ReplyDeleteOh yes very much so, i was just so fixated on the kink, i didnt really look beyond that, and although we talked about it a lot, it didnt sink in.....enslavement is just so much more than getting ones ass beat and fucked in every hole lol
DeleteIts been more difficult than i had anticipated, completley handing over essentially all of yourself to another takes a lot of 'work' for both parties.
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lol, I'm going through that realization, that it's not going to turn out how it is in my head... I have a feeling it's going to take a while to fully sink in, as I am used to getting my way.
ReplyDeleteMisty i do believe this occurs to most of us exploring these types of relationships and its natural, especially once the 'newness' of it ends and sub frenzy fades.
DeleteBut its understandable because its all a huge adjustment and change can be unsettling.
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lol, its still a trap one falls into at times; getting upset when it is not how it was pictured.
ReplyDeleteIt must have been harder starting out newer with an experienced Dom.
With us, there was a time when he was still figuring out his way and because of that a sneaky slave could manipulate a situation or two (that NEVER happens now even though one still shamefully tries at times). In looking back that may have been an advantage since it allowed more time for one to wrap her head around what she was actually letting go of control over.
Very curious to see how you answer his sluts question.
hi db
DeleteIn some ways yes i would say harder but in other ways easier, i wanted a dominant with experience and i thats exactly what i got lol
I liked and still like that i cant get one over on him!
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'being submissive may mean submitting when i dont feel like it' - I think this is something anyone entering into a 24/7 or TPE relationship needs to realise early on. I know I couldn't do it and I admire those who do.
ReplyDeletehugs
DF
lol DF..sometimes i still fight against it, but yes its important to really go into these types of relationships with an understanding on both sides of what each expect....
Deletebut still then it can be a huge shock when one is actually confronted with one of these situations!
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i'm intrigued as to what your fantasy idea of how it would be, was? Is it just that you never envisaged not being in the mood, or ever being told to do something you didn't want to, or were there specifics, like, I dunno, like having to sleep in a dog bed or something, that has never happened because he's not into it?
ReplyDeleteYep that was a huge part of it, i didnt consider that actually he would insist upon something when i didnt want it....that he would actually expect me to submit to something i didnt like or simply wasnt in the mood.
DeleteI fantasised that it would all be easy, lots of kink.....i didnt see beyond my own wants and needs.
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I have that issue too. What I have in my head is not what I have in real life. We all learn to deal with what we have and hope the fantasy is sometimes a reality.
ReplyDeletexo
Yep i do think its a common experience, so there is nothing wrong with it at all.....but yes you learn to adapt and realise that reality rarely matches fantasy!
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Hmmm, makes me wonder if I will ever get to that stage to be able to realize this. (did that make sense?)
ReplyDeleteI guess you have to ask yourself .. if you could do it all again .... would you?
I think it makes sense lol......i do think its a stage most go through as they set off on these journeys.....and its all good.
DeleteOh fuck yes, i would do it all again, i think i needed to go through it to learn, somethings can only truely be understood when its experienced...if that makes any sense lol
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We have this issue too. It's never been like my fantasies. My fantasies though have evolved to be a bit closer to reality, instead of reality evolving to become closer to my fantasies. Now if only we could figure out a way to set the mood. My mood-setting is done in advance, by naughty thoughts and such before he arrives. But the problem with that is it all goes out the window if he says or does mood-ending things the minute he walks in the door, and that happens a lot. I need to come up with a new ritual for his arrival that will protect me from any mood-killing conversation. We can safe that for after sex. Hee!
ReplyDeleteRituals are a good, positive way to reinforce ones mindset i think, well it works for me.
DeleteMood killing conversations are never good lol, but yet its good to talk and perhaps looking at ways in which to deal with these situations better and more effectively is the way to go.
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I think this should be posted on every BDSM site for new sub/slave members to read before doing anything else. It's a real eye-opener. I still feel brand new, as I've yet to be in any kind of real-time situation, so all my fantasies are going full throttle in my head. This gives me something to take into consideration moving forward. Thanks!
ReplyDeletehi Angelina
DeleteThanks
Its a common experience i think for many starting out, and although its great to have an awareness of it, i do think its only something that can be learnt from going through the experience.
im glad you took something useful from this.
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My slave had a similar experience with getting about having to edge several times in a row without getting to orgasm. I explained to her that it was about my pleasure, not hers. That was an eye opener for her, and she has become a better slave since then.
ReplyDeleteGood post tori,
William
hello William
DeleteThankyou.
It is an adjustment, especially i think more so because of the expectations in todays society of how woman should be.
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I've had my Sir now for 9 months and a huge part of me still struggles to be fully submitted. Thank god we are both switches or id be black and blue and ripped open (From punishment rather than pleasure) 24/7.
ReplyDeleteI'm still used to always being the dominant one and so often with him I tell hum what to do. Sometimes he puts up with it sometimes he doesn't. Part of me wants to ask him to enforce that I am fully submissive and not let me get away with doing what's comfortable..but then a big part of me is scared to because I know the moment he tries I'll throw tantrums and want to fight it intrinsically...i know hell get disappointed and think I don't actually want him to fully be dominant...how do I fix this?
hi Ali Cat
DeleteIf your both happy with being switches, do you feel there is a need for you to be fully submissive?.
I dont think one can change their basic nature no matter how much they might want to, you may not be 'fully' submissive so trying to will only end up frustrating yourself and possibly build up resentment.
The only advice i can give is really this is something that you must talk about, work together to find a solution that fits for you both.
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