What was and remains my main desire is the need to be controlled, to be told what to do, and when starting down this path with the bossman i relished that i was with someone that could provide me with this.
I had it all worked out in my head of what it would be like, what i wanted, the first few months i was very much caught up in sub frenzy, the excitement of it all, finally getting to experience some of what i had fantasised about.
I came into the relationship with a little experience of D/s and bdsm, enough to know that this wasnt something i had to get out of my system and move on...i needed it, whereas the bossman has 20+ years behind him, he has owned subs/slaves before.
and so it was understandable that there would be this clash of what i thought it would be like, should be like and well what he wanted and expected.
He can come across as quite arrogant, and yeah sometimes he is...but i like that in certain scenarios...well when it suits me...other times he infuriates me because he can be so goddamn "its my way, or no way" attitude.
However he showed incredible patience, calmness, he persevered when perhaps some might have washed their hands of me, when i threw my tantrums, balked at his commands, sulked and protested..because i was realising that my ideas of this submitting malarkey wasnt living up to fantasy...and i wandered if actually i was up for this, was i really submissive?......he stood firm, he believed in me.
I feel such a prized idiot for saying this but well it is what it is...but for all my ideas and fantasies i had, i hadnt considered that actually being submissive may mean submitting when i dont feel like it, when its something i dont want and i dont like.....i was caught up in it being about me, me me...i was happy to do whatever when i wanted, if i liked it/desired it.
and shock! horror! he wanted and expected more than that.
and yet enslavement was offered and i took it...im not sure which one of us was the more bonkers..him for thinking me ready or me for thinking i could manipulate him into how i wanted it...because i was still holding out for this fantasy image in my head!