Saturday, 28 February 2015

What say you?

Monday..oops Sunday,  it will be March, and March is usually q&a month for blogland.  So i have been thinking back to last year, and the upcoming one, i am quite happy to answer questions about anything...not sports though....i have no knowledge of sports! i like asking as well, its a bit of fun, getting to ask things that perhaps dont crop up on peoples posts but one would still like to know.

However, no questions for the bossman! ta very muchly.

Of course with q&a month, one has to respect that for some people there may be a question they cant answer or dont want to for any given reason, and although i will try to answer the best i can, i cant guarantee the answer will make any sense lol

Last year, got my knickers in a twist, way past that now.  This place is mine, there is an understanding that i can write what i like, he reads the blog, and if he isnt particularly happy about something i might write, i soon know about it, but otherwise its very much my domain.

I realise now, that i didnt like him coming on my blog during last years q&a, but the reason was mostly because i had no control over what he was going to be asked, and certainly no control over what his reply would be.

So, it niggled me that i had no control over the content of what was going to be put on my blog, when i write, i perhaps might tone things down, like the recent s/m session we had, i missed a fair bit out, thats my choice, and he is so blunt, and has a "I couldnt care less what people think" attitude...i do care, i know i shouldnt, but i do.

At the time, last year, i was corresponding via email with a fellow blogger about this subject, and she said how its refreshing to hear from the other side, so to speak, and it is, i like it myself when i read others blogs and occasionally the other side does a post.

She suggested that perhaps i ask him to write a post on occasion, like quarterly, and initially i thought about it and then dismissed it because i would want control...

1) i would want to decide the topic
2) i would want full editing rights before hitting publish
3) if i didnt like it at all, it wouldnt get published at all

and i couldnt see him agreeing to that, well i know he wouldnt.

But now i feel a little differently, although still no questions for him, i think i might ask him if he would do a quarterly post, 4 a year, if of course he wants to... i will think on it.

Friday, 27 February 2015

no title, which is actually a title though!

I have asked Master if i can join Fetlife, i used to be a member there a few years back, but just found it difficult to navigate, and some of the groups...bloody hell it was like being back at school.....the cool gangs..  the "im more a slave than you" mentality know what i mean?  so i deleted account.

But i thought i might give it another go, if he allows it.  With all the fuss going on with blogger at the moment, i dont plan to move to another site, i like it here, i like the community, and the whole picture thing isnt a big issue for me.  It will be different, bloggers moving on etc, so i shall wait it out see what changing nothing until the date arrives.

So back to Fetlife, should many bloggers leave, i wander if many are members of Fetlife in which case it might be the better option for me, to keep in touch etc, i can adjust to that easier than facing the prospect of moving this blog, im shit with computers, i suppose if i have to go to somewhere like Wordpress i will have to ask Master to import or whatever it is one has to do.

Now since starting this post earlier today,  google has changed its mind, for now, so panic basically i published those pics in a panic, ok so i probably would have anyway..but thats not the point, i dont like being rushed! should i sue google for emotional distress? lol

I wrote a post, and then i removed it, which im glad i did, when Master read it he took in a way that i did not intend, but thats cleared up now, one of the comments on my previous post peeved me a bit...the "how do i justify calling what we do love, when he treats me the way he does etc" ps thank you Roz for pointing the idiot in the right direction.

well, what can i say, having all those orgasms at those times is a burden i have to struggle with every day.

Ok, comments to reply to..on it, well on it tonight!

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Good times outweigh the bad

I do love the sadist.  I dont at the time, not always, he is mean, cruel, he wants me upset, hurt, crying and screaming, it turns him on big time, he loves it,  and yeah well bloody hell i do get great orgasms, lots of them. and the good times always outweigh the bad times.

As im tied to the chair, he slides needles in, feels between my legs and yes im soaking, the sadist feels the need to remind me of how once needles were a hard limit, that makes me smile, yeah they were, i recall being adamant that no damn way was he sticking needles in me...... how things change!  I love them now, i like to watch as he puts them in, not through the nipples though, i cant watch that, makes me queasy and he hoods me, my cries muffled as he pushes them through.

The sadist decided its time for a caning, and the needles will stay in, as i lie down on the bench the needles dig into my skin, its uncomfortable and its going to get a lot more uncomfortable.  As im mumbling about wanting a nice caning, he is back to getting snap happy, honestly i know i asked for photos but hello!!!! slave in need of a caning..back to it! 

So my nice caning, is not meant to start with a caning, the sadist is well being sadistic, and i complain, really not wise to complain whilst the sadist is being whack happy, he does change to a paddle, thank goodness for that, or so i thought until i started struggling with it.

Back to the cane, i like thick ones, thuddy is so much more nicer than stingy, and eventually i settled into it, slowly getting to the happy place, but i couldnt stay in it, this frustrated me a lot, later he kept saying its not a competition, but it is for me, i needed to prove to myself that i was back on form, and i wasnt, i didnt do as well as i have done.  As it was he said i was close to having to stop anyway as blood was being drawn, but still i was disappointed with myself, i can and have endured for longer than i did then.

There was some reprieve in between  the caning, the paddling and the wartenberg wheel, he would stop, and let me suck his cock, and i do love this, especially when im bound.

I thought the sadist was finished then, nope, "on the cross" apparently my tits were lacking in attention, really! i thought they were doing just fine, i remove the needles, i like to do that, being whipped on the tits is something i have always struggled with, well tit torture in general is not my most favourite thing.

I didnt get very far before i started my protests, the sadist was actually quite receptive to my protests, whats going on! since when does the sadist take any notice of my protests! he doesnt, he just changes tactic "back it is then" hmm maybe you should go back to being snap happy? no! ok then.

Off the cross, on again, turn around, legs apart, arms up and do the hokey cokey.

And it was ok, more than ok, it wasnt as hard as the whipping i had as punishment, it was endurable, until it wasnt, he said something, i think "hurting?" and being me, through gritted teeth uttered "no!" ahh one should learn not to provoke the sadist, especially when in fact it was hurting, because it results in hurting a lot more.

I think he gave me quite a few hard ones, that had me screaming out before releasing me, and then a nice hard fucking,

Yeah, i do love my sadist, even when i hate him.

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Falling...not failing, although im good at doing that as well

This morning, sub-drop hit me hard and unexpectedly, i was bursting into tears throughout the day , crying about the punishment, the posts i wrote, should i have wrote them etc and just feeling bluh.

I was trying to pull myself together as my son was home from college for the day, and we had plans to lunch together before heading off to a meeting at his college late afternoon, i felt bad when he heard me crying in the bathroom, and i came up with some bullshit about worrying about his grandad, who isnt doing well health wise.

Im not usually an openly expressive emotional person (i know thats hard to believe lol) but i couldnt stop myself, it didnt help much when my mum phoned up to give me a hard time about not bothering to come and see her and my step-dad over the last few days, accusing me of being selfish and uncaring, normally i would have given as good as i got, but i had no fight in me left, it was easier to just to hang up....and yeah cry some more.

But, i had to get my shit together for my son, i wasnt going to ruin our time together, and we did have a lovely lunch, albeit later than planned, and it was lovely to hear him talking enthusiastically, looking forward to Uni in September, i cant believe my baby boy will be 18 in April and my daughter 13 the same month, its a cliche but blimey the time flies by.

I stopped taking the happy pills (anti-depressants) around a month ago, against my doctors advice, im starting to think he was right, the doctor, because what the hell is wrong with me?

I should be happy, ok the punishment aside, and yeah things had been rough before xmas but otherwise all is good, or i think they are, there are more people with bigger issues going on than me...but yet here i am bawling my eyes out (yeah again) for reasons i really cant put a finger on, well thats not entirely true some words from  Master earlierset me off again, not that he was horrid or anything but its not taking much to set me off crying at the moment.

Maybe it just is sub-drop, but its never been this bad before.

Right, i swear people a happy, jolly post will be next!

Monday, 23 February 2015

A view inside what happens in the room of doom

Getting these out, due to an email from blogger saying no explicit photos will be allowed in future, anyone else had an email like that?  sort of forced my hand, so umm yeah this is my contribution to photofest Febuary.

Will you still love me tomorrow.

I cant take back what i wrote in the previous post, its how i felt, and its still too raw too think differently, but the anonymous comments hit home, and im inclined to agree with what they both said, in a week or so my reflections probably will be different if i were to write that post again.

What i do know is, as horrid as it was, it was effective, it spelled out that he wont tolerate my blatant disobedience or lying, and in his mind thats mission accomplished, would being comforted afterwards diminish the effect/purpose of the punishment? thats what im left wandering, and it confuses me somewhat to admit that i think it would have...maybe.

In the past there are many times i have got off on his coldness, being left to dwell in my suffering, i like it, a lot, it is i guess emotional masochism, i havent and wouldnt want any comfort of any kind, this time was different, for obvious reasons.

In no way am i angry/pissed with him now, and i wasnt at the time either, perhaps being truthful a little resentful that there was no comfort, i was hurting, not just physically but emotionally, i couldnt pull myself together, i didnt like feeling that way, i didnt like him seeing me that way, although i know he enjoyed seeing me like it, getting tears out of me isnt easily achieved so im very sure he loved it, well i know he did, he said as much.

He was very snap happy, with the camera, i had asked for photos the night before, of the good times its been a long time since we have done that, i was intending to put some of them on the blog, now im not so sure, there is nothing remotely sexy/erotic about seeing images of myself crying/sobbing, with a snotty nose and my hair entangled in it!

Will need to think on that, im quite insecure when it comes to self image, and i admire those that are comfortable with putting pics up, i wouldnt put up anything sexually explicit, thats just not me, but some of the ones he took i do like, sometimes pictures say more than words.

Yep i have comments to get to, and i will.

Like a lamb to slaughter

I cried more in a few hours, than all of the years we have been together.

I didnt want to go in the room of doom, i said as much, in a last ditch attempt of bravado, being defiant was not a wise move, a threat got me moving.

I didnt even get fully undressed, i was left in stockings and my ankle boots usually he wants me totally naked, i think he was getting impatient with me.  Usually im quite fond of anticipation, waiting, watching him, trying to figure out what his move is going to be, but it was not nice in these circumstances.  He didnt need to drill me about why i was being punished, went through that the night before, there was nothing left to be said...just informing me that i would be getting the cane on both my hands and the dressage whip on my back.

He put a thick metal collar with a chain attached on me, its heavy and uncomfortable, not suitable for long term wear.

The tears, started when he told me to kneel on a footstool and hold out my hand, this is worse, for me, when i have to willingly hold my hand out, he has used the tawse before on my hand as a punishment (that was bloody horrid) and i just knew the cane would be was, much worse.

I lost count of the strokes, im not a fan of counting during a punishment, i like it when i want to do it, without being told to, in general play, i used to, many years ago, find it baffling how anyone can lose count, how hard can it be for goodness sake....actually quite hard, i have learnt from experience.

I think its because, well speaking for myself, its difficult because emotions are all over the place, its not play, fun, his demeanour although calm its not in anyway nice, im crying, each stroke fucking hurts and your fighting to deal with the pain, before readying for the next one, and when i  said a number, and he said "no" its like being put on pause, im so sure it was that number, but it cant be because he said so, so did i under count or over count?  and there is this moment of panicking, trying to keep track.

The throbbing from my hands was relentless, there was no reprieve at all when he finished, just an instruction to get on the cross, i hate the dressage whip, its in my room 101, and i cant (especially now) see it ever coming out.

The first one, took my breath away, i wasnt expecting it to be that hard, i was struggling to count out at all, let alone keep count, made more difficult because he wasnt giving me any time in between strokes to recover from each one, when i was struggling with each one, and every one had me catching my breath, gasping for air whilst sobbing is not easy i found out, and all the while he is berating me for not calling out the count quick enough, but it was because i was panicking....a part of me hated him in that moment.

After, he had me get in the cage, securing the chain on the collar to the top of the cage so the only position i could hold was crouched down on my knees, it was uncomfortable, when all i wanted to do was lie down and curl up.

I couldnt stop crying, from the pain, from his coldness, i think thats what got to me the most, that i had been punished, and i needed reassurance from him then, some comfort of any kind, just anything to let me know i was forgiven, i needed that...and i got nothing.

I dont know how long i was in there, not overly long, 10 minutes, maybe more, i dont know, it was quiet, i couldnt see him, couldnt hear him, he had actually gone to the bathroom, but i didnt know that, i just sobbed, trying to move to get more comfortable, until he let me out.  I like being caged, but i didnt like being put in there at that time, i was too distraught.

When he did let me out, i thought now he will offer me some comfort, but no, he had me sit on the bondage chair, still sobbing while he restrained my arms and legs, i honestly couldnt believe it, and still cant now, when he said "why are you still crying, your punishment is over"!!!!

I didnt think even he could be that heartless, but clearly i was wrong, well let me see...why am i still crying?

well, it was the worst punishment i have ever had, i struggled with it, i know i deserved it, but i also think i deserved some comfort afterwards, i needed it, i needed to know that i was forgiven, that it was over and done with, it might have been for you, but it wasnt for me, you just left me to deal with it on my own.  Then you had me sit on the chair, to await goodness knows what and i was scared, was i still being punished? was you still disappointed with me? am i going to get more pain i dont like? all these thoughts were going on in my head, and i wasnt coping with it.

I had to ask you if i was forgiven, i shouldnt have had to ask, as much as i deserved to be punished, when it was over i wanted, no, i needed your comfort, reassurance,  surely i deserved that as well? a moments reprieve before moving on?

I need to get that off my chest before moving onto the more pleasanter parts.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

I see clearly now

It took reading some books and watching a film to make me realise i need help, rescuing, i had no understanding of separating fiction from reality, because im a woman and on top of that a submissive woman, so how would i know!

But i see clearly now, after watching the film, that what im doing, what me and Master are doing is wrong, oops i shouldnt call him that, its offensive, but wait we are not like the books or the film, oh gosh a realisation has sunk in that we are worse than the books....the bastard doesnt even own a helicopter for a start..let alone a luxury apartment.....he has been masquerading as a dominant for all these years..i see this now.

He didnt give me a contract either, omg, i have been manipulated, forced into situations i could have said no to, i didnt get no Apple laptop to do some research on either, i trusted him instead, learnt as we went along..what a fool i am.

Some people have said the film portrays an abusive relationship, and part of me can understand that, but they are wrong, its real, dont they see that? now im off to run down some pedestrians because i have been playing Grand Theft Auto.

Monday, 16 February 2015

I have marked it on the calender

That he admitted he made a mistake, this is something much more worthy of celebrating than Valentines day! unfortunately even though he admits to making a mistake, i have come worse off for the bloody hell did that happen.

It all started, not so innocently in this case, by my confession that i lied to him, on top of the disobeying him  which led to a discussion, in which i basically said what i said in that blog post....

But in more detail.  He said that he let my behaviour go because i had a lot going on, was going through some difficulties, and clearly that was a mistake on his part, one that will be rectified, and i shouldnt worry because from now on there will be no leeway at all, i will be severely punished for failing to behave and anything i do not do in line 100% per his instructions.

I should have kept my mouth shut.

I wanted to say could we negotiate for 90% but i figured it was not a good time to make light of the sometimes i can keep my mouth shut...see, im learning.

But i couldnt not tell him, explain why it had gotten to the point that i intentionally disobeyed and subsequently lied to  him, because otherwise i think it would have got out of hand, the guilt would of gotten to me, well it did within 48 hours, confession is said to be good for the soul (an old Scottish proverb) which is fine and dandy but its not good for my ass and other body parts.

Ok, so im making light of the whole situation because thats the way i cope with things on the outside, its either that or shut-down and withdraw into myself, because i am a bit scared, ok, more than a bit.

I dont like waiting to be punished, my preference is to get it out the way asap, and i dont like not knowing what its going to be, its like being in limbo, and im left imagining the worst, the only good thing about that is im hopeful that it wont be as bad as what i imagine the worst to be.

We have the upcoming weekend to ourselves, my daughter is on a skiing trip, my son is in London, Master has no courses or surveys to do, and its such a rare occurrence to get a weekend completely to ourselves, and normally i would be excited at the prospect, its difficult to be excited when all i can think about is at some point over the weekend im going to be punished...and worse case scenario what if he stretches it out over the whole weekend in someway!...its possible, he is the closest i have come to seeing him really disappointed with me and i know i need putting back into my place...i hate that fucking phrase but it just is the most apt way to put it.

I tested the waters by saying to him "its not going to be a good weekend for me is it?" he asked for clarification on what i meant by "good" which is doing things i like and want...he replied "you will have some of those".

So i think thats a good sign? maybe.

But as i have been typing this i have gone off in a different direction than intended, that happens sometimes.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

So, i rather enjoyed it

Went to the cinema last night to watch 50 shades.   I liked it, more enjoyable than the books, but i think what made it more enjoyable was going with a girlfriend, and having a laugh, going in with the attitude of not taking it seriously, its not meant to be, i think, in my opinion.

Throughout the film there was laughter from the audience, and it was funny, sometimes slightly corny, it was difficult in places not to find it irritating but i think thats because i was watching from the perspective of being someone in the type of relationship im in.

I thought the sex and the kink scenes were well done, totally romanticised but then arent most films that way?  and Jamie Dornan has a nice ass! well nice everything come to that lol

Its certainly not what i would call a mans film but yet there were quite a lot of men there, im guessing begrudgingly dragged to watch it by their girlfriends.

For me what made it was being with the girlfriend, she knows some of what me and Master engage in so we had a fair bit of banter about it, her comment of "if thats what you both get up to, i want in" made me laugh.

My biggest criticisms was when it ended, it was with anna leaving him after he had punished her, this annoyed me because of the way it was portrayed, she asked him to punish her, she wanted to know what to expect, so he did, and she didnt like it, went cold on him and left him.....and the film ended.

It came across badly and left me understanding why some people have had such an adverse reaction to the film, it didnt exactly portray D/s in a positive light, it was ok i thought until that moment.

However, its best to just accept it as it was intended, like many of the same books of its type...fantasy fiction.

Afterwards we went for some dinner, discussed the film, and her perspective was very different, she had no problem with it at all, she found it hot and interesting,  so i do wander if perhaps i was more critical because i was comparing it to what i know, how we (as in Master and i) do things.

Friday, 13 February 2015

Its all about the pain

Back in October of last year i was approached via email (which they got from my blog) asking if i would participate in answering some questions for a study about masochism, more specifically masochism in a D/s orientated setting.  I was wary, i remember a while back a blogger being interviewed about domestic discipline and the end result, the published result was quite controversial, words twisted etc and the last thing i want is that.

But this is for a study, and they provided me with contact details, and confidentiality was assured, i did not want my blog referenced, i prefer to be found via the blog network, anyways i forgot about it until today when they emailed me to say the study was finished and work was commencing on collating all the gathered information from all who participated.  They are going to send me the final paper when its finished, they sent me the transcript of the interview which has been modified by myself as it was done over a chat program and contains their personal information.

Anyways it was quite interesting from a personal perspective, its quite long, if you make it to the end you should reward yourself with a large glass of fact thats what im going to do now.

1)  In your own words, how do you define being masochistic?

Who elses words would they be in!  um i get aroused from pain

2)  Would you mind elaborating on that please?

well, s/m provides me with sexual gratification, i may not necessarily like every kind of pain but regardless i respond to it sexually within a controlled environment

3)  Controlled environment?

It has to be pain through s/m activity and there needs to be the element of dominance, the lack of power/control i have is perhaps more important to me than the actual s/m itself

4)  It needs to be a sadist inflicting the pain?

No, it needs to be a dominant sadist, not all sadists are dominants, and more specifically it needs to be my dominant

5)  What differences, in your opinion, does this make to you?

Like i said above its about the control, i dont know because i have never engaged in s/m with anyone who isnt a dominant but im assuming in that situation the masochist can negotiate what is going to happen and has control etc, whereas for me that is not an option, i prefer to not have a say in what will happen

6)  Did you seek out a sadistic dominant and why?

yes, because my previous D/s encounter led me to discovering pain, albeit mild and i liked it, wanted more but he wasnt comfortable with it, so it made sense to seek out a sadist

7)  You have been together how long?

umm 9 or 10 years this year i think, im crap with dates, sorry

8)  Was the relationship initially vanilla?, just getting some background information, if you don't mind.

 i dont mind, no we started as D/s

9)  S&M was incorporated into your relationship from the beginning?

yes, i was pretty sure i had bitten off more than i could chew initially lol

10)  Why was that?

because the pain i had tried before was fairly mild, spanking, nipple clamps, the basics really, and well i looked for a sadist and i got one, and the real thing is quite a bit more scary than imagined

11)  Was you aware of the extent of your masochism when you got together?

no, i knew i wanted to explore more s/m but i had no idea of what i could handle at that time, it never crossed my mind that i was a masochist

12)  Was there a pinnacle moment that made you realise?

I think, looking back it was when he was caning me, years ago now, and when he stopped i begged for more, he wouldnt, said i would see why when i looked in the mirror, my ass was a mess, welts, blood, much more and there was a risk of permanent damage, but i was so far gone, i would have happily carried on

13)  Did that concern you? to see yourself

no not at all, was on to much of a high, about the only time im vain is after s/m, i like to go look in the mirror to assess the damage

14)  From the masochists we have spoken to so far, there seems to be a general consensus that having marks, bruises etc is important, would you concur with that?

yep, i do like to have something to show for it lol, i like feeling them, especially if there are raised welts, i like the reminder of them when i sit down or when he presses them etc

15)  Is bondage important to you for S&M? why?

oh yes, i love being tied up, because i find it easier to adapt to the pain when i cannot escape it, one has to learn to accept it because there simply is no choice, whereas if i have the option to move, depending on what he is doing and if im struggling with it....i will move a lot,   but really its just simply i like to be restrained, its comforting in odd sort of way

16)  Do you have a preference for specific scenarios, role-play, implements?

Dont do role-play, scenarios, well isnt that the same sort of thing? implements, im predictable, if allowed to choose im 98% of the time going to opt for the cane, leather strap or belt coming in a close second

17)  By scenarios, I mean do you prefer there to be a structure, the session planned in advance?

I dont mind, i think sometimes he has idea of what he wants to happen but im not usually privvy to that information, as long as it involves a caning on the bench im happy

18)  Do you self inflict pain on yourself for sexual gratification?

No, i wouldnt want to,  it just wouldnt be the same

19) Have you ever self harmed?


20)  Do either of you wear fetish clothing?

nope, prefer to get naked and get on with it

21)  Hoods or masks?

For him, no, doesnt appeal to me at all, for me...yes i love hoods especially

22)  Why?

I like anything that restricts me in any way, so in the case of the hood its obviously my sight, and my hearing isnt that great either, it heightens the senses, touch especially, and i like that it builds up anticipation and sometimes fear

23)  You like to be afraid? fearful of your dominant?

in the context of it being in an s/m session yes, sometimes, so like if im hooded there is that build up, anticipation, not knowing what implement he has picked up, when its going to strike, and where, but to make it clear, overall im not afraid of him in general

24)  Does it concern you where your masochism might lead you to?

It used to, now and again i think about it, but mostly no, as long as im getting enjoyment out of it on some level, im content to just go along the lines of what will be, will be

25)  Does his sadism concern you?

no, he pushes me hard at times, but i trust him to judge when enough is enough

26)  Is sex integral to S&M?

i dont consider it important, i wouldnt be miffed if there was no sex at all, although i do like to suck his cock as a reprieve between activities

27)  Do you reach climax through S&M?

sometimes, but not always, again i dont consider that important

28) Explain please, why you don't consider that important, is that not the aim?

not for me, i dont go into it thinking..i better get an orgasm out of this, i think its because the actual s/m satisfies me enough, given a choice between sex and s/m i will opt for s/m, plus although for sure its great to have an orgasm...if i dont, whether it be during s/m or sex it doesnt make it any less enjoyable

29)  Aside from the physical, how does S&M effect you emotionally?

it depends, so many variables, how i feel usually depends on his mood, if he is happy and relaxed then i tend to be, if he isnt then im on edge which makes me struggle more with it all, especially if he isnt pleased with me

30) Pain can be used as a deterrent then, for the purpose of behaviour modification?

yes, although my body will still respond sexually, there is pain i dont enjoy, and in that scenario my headspace would be in a place, which is well not good and thats what makes it much less enjoyable and difficult to cope with

31) You don't use a safeword is that correct?

it is

32)  Why not, it's considered a must have for both your own's safety?

considered by whom?  you know when i said above about the time i was caned?  in that situation i was gone, well into subspace, i was in no fit state to know that i had enough, when i get like that, a safeword would be pointless because im incapable of recognising i should use it

33) But what about situations when you are not in subspace, you need him to stop for a particular reason?

ok, so a scenario...lets say im suspended, gagged/hooded, so cant speak, suspension cuffs restrict movement of hands so that rules out being able to hold something in the hand to drop.  So i am unable to let him know myself that i need him to stop for whatever reason.

I trust him to closely observe how im reacting, responses etc, we have been together long enough now that he knows how i generally react etc, for the times i can actually speak, if something is wrong that shouldnt be, like cramp or the cuffs might be causing me discomfort, in a way we dont want..well hey i would say "cuffs" etc ...but even if a safeword was in place its not for the purpose of "ok, i dont like this anymore, stop" but thats my opinion.

34) There still is risk involved though?

yep, there is risk involved when crossing the road, driving a car, having certain operations, you can place all necessary safety precautions in place to avoid risks, but there still is risk, something can still go wrong

35)  Nearly finished, you will be pleased to know.  How do you express yourself during S&M, crying, screaming etc?

I dont cry, well its very rare that i do, not because im a hard ass lol i just dont seem to respond in that way, im more inclined to cry from a build up of emotions, usually if he is voicing his disappointment with me than the pain itself.  It depends, i tend to be a giggler, its not uncommon for me to have a fit of the giggles when he is hurting me, other than that im a screamer and i swear at him a lot...well its the only time i get to call him horrible names, got to make the most of it!

26)  And lastly, do you have any inclinations to switch just for the purpose of S&M?

absolutely not, nope, not happening, i would find it quite distressing if he asked that of me...but thats not going to happen

They also sent me a long list of activities, in which i had to put a 1 to 5 against on how much i liked it etc..but thats for another time.

Monday, 9 February 2015

The perfect slave

I am not always obedient, but i try and strive to be

I have limits, albeit they may be his, but i trust him not to push me in places i cannot go, and there are places i cannot go, so therefore i have limits

I am not always pleasing, but as with being obedient, i try and strive to be

I get hurt, upset, angry, i have feelings that are irrational, because i am a person as much as i am a slave

Im opinionated, i know my own mind and i speak it, i have a voice and i will be heard, as long as its in a respectful manner

Im a masochist, i like to be hurt, to be pushed past my comfort zone, but knowing he will not break me down

I love to be humiliated, degraded and treated like im worthless, but i know im worthy and thats what makes it all the more enjoyable

I can tell him anything, all my desires and fantasies and he will not think of less of me, he embraces me for who i am, he wants to know what i think and feel 

I disappoint him at times, i feel gutted when i do, but i know he will forgive me, because i will make things right, i want to and i need to, and i know he will never give up on me.

I guess im not the perfect slave because i am all of these things and more, and im ok with that.

Thursday, 5 February 2015

Untitled because im such a silly cow at times

I lied to him, thats a first, the guilt has got to me, and the longer i had left telling him the truth the worse its gotten, making excuses for myself in my head to put it off, .......he's busy it can wait, its not like it was a bad lie, its not like he will ever know....but i know.

I disobeyed him, my lie was in saying that the disobedience was not intentional, that i had not fully understood what he had said, what i was told, simply that i had forgotten, but thats bullshit, i understood fully, and i chose to do what i wanted anyway.

I did it because i wanted to know what he would do, thats a first as well, as far as im aware i have never intentionally disobeyed just to get a reaction, i have never been bratty, not in that respect.  Generally i do do as im told, for sure im not perfect and i have had my fair share of punishments for disobedience or disrespectful behavious, but not often, well not as often as it used to be in the beginning.

Honestly, i dont know whats going on with me, im feeling so insecure, which i suspect is because during the time i had been absent from here, things were not good, i dont mean not good with us, but had a lot of vanilla shit going on that did have an impact on us, and he had been, still is very busy, and i think all of that going on, has left me feeling hmm adrift from my submission...if that makes any sense.

I wanted to know what he would do because he hasnt punished me in a long time, and there have been times i have deserved it, and its not like i want to be punished, but i have needed it, i figure that he had forgotten, put it off, i dont know, but its left me feeling like...well he cant be that concerned that i havent been pleasing or obedient if he isnt going to correct me when im not being.

I figure that perhaps its my place to remind him, to let him know i have a punishment due, but then the other part of me doesnt want to, because i dont want to be punished, so i stay quiet hoping it will slip by, (which it appears to be doing a lot of as late as i have racked up quite a lot in the last 6 months or so all left un dealt with,) which is a contradiction of what i said in above paragraph....i know!

I want to get things back to how they should be, i was worried that he no longer desired hurting me a lot because its been such a very long time since he has pushed me really hard, he said that was not the case at all, but he was concerned that my pain threshold may not be the same for various reasons.....and yeah thats concerning me as well.

The stupid thing is, i disobeyed him, and intentionally lied to him to give him good reason to hurt me a lot, to push his hand, and i didnt need to do that, im such a stupid bitch at times, because he doesnt need a reason and i prefer he hurts me because it pleases him, because he wants to, not because i havent behaved as i should.

*edited to add*

what i need, or what i think i need is to be reminded of what i am, to be put back into my place, because i like my place, i miss it.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

The slave register and human trafficking!

Finally get back to blogging and the weather has been awful here, although compared to what its been like for many others its not been as bad, and i feel for those who have had it really bad, electric was off for 4 days, (,me and the kids stayed with my thats extreme mental torture that no masochist should have to endure) internet connection down for long periods of time, (lost 2 posts which didnt save)...and no internet for my kids meant the end of the world!..ok and for me a little bit, in my defence i was enjoying getting back to it here.

I had this in my archives, with the intention of publishing, and well then i went awol from here, but it riled me enough that i wanted to get it out, its back from September.

The Slave register was set up many years ago in the UK, and is still active,  it was associated and operated by the same person who owned the site InformedConsent (which is no longer active), one of the UK's biggest bdsm sites, and on a personal note its where i 'met' my Master.

The Slave register was simply a site where one could register and receive a unique barcode, identifying number and a certificate, detailing their status, the name of one's Owner and when they were collared, people have and still do have this barcode (and the barcode does successfully scan and gives details), or their slave number tattooed on them, and to be honest i wouldnt mind it myself....yes i am registered there, way back when i agreed to enslavement.

Of course it holds no significance in a legal sense, much like contracts between Dominant and submissives, but like the contract its not about the legal aspects its more symbolic than a collar is to many.

Reading this article made me mad, bloody furious in fact, this Mike Ramos making assumptions and judgements on something he clearly knows nothing about..for example and i quote

"All one has to do is visit the site and input the number or even scan the tattoo and there is an actual page that has close to 200,000 registrations, complete with various information about the pimp and the victim.  For example, when you input this particular registration number, among other things, it lists who the "slave" is "being trained by" and when the "slave" was "collared".  The term "collared" is reference to when the slave/victim paid her pimp for the first time" my Master is a pimp and im a victim!

Clearly this ignorant or at least his many aides should have done their research more carefully, for goodness sake even a vanilla i would imagine, or the many that have read 50 Shades would have more understanding, good grief i find it incomprehendable that it is thought that being collared is reference to a slave/victim paying her pimp!

I find it offensive, most especially the assumption of being a victim, well actually the whole piece is offensive, and is yet another example of why i believe M/s dynamics will never be fully accepted, certainly not when there are ignorant assholes like Mike Ramos around promoting inaccurate information.