I cant take back what i wrote in the previous post, its how i felt, and its still too raw too think differently, but the anonymous comments hit home, and im inclined to agree with what they both said, in a week or so my reflections probably will be different if i were to write that post again.
What i do know is, as horrid as it was, it was effective, it spelled out that he wont tolerate my blatant disobedience or lying, and in his mind thats mission accomplished, would being comforted afterwards diminish the effect/purpose of the punishment? thats what im left wandering, and it confuses me somewhat to admit that i think it would have...maybe.
In the past there are many times i have got off on his coldness, being left to dwell in my suffering, i like it, a lot, it is i guess emotional masochism, i havent and wouldnt want any comfort of any kind, this time was different, for obvious reasons.
In no way am i angry/pissed with him now, and i wasnt at the time either, perhaps being truthful a little resentful that there was no comfort, i was hurting, not just physically but emotionally, i couldnt pull myself together, i didnt like feeling that way, i didnt like him seeing me that way, although i know he enjoyed seeing me like it, getting tears out of me isnt easily achieved so im very sure he loved it, well i know he did, he said as much.
He was very snap happy, with the camera, i had asked for photos the night before, of the good times its been a long time since we have done that, i was intending to put some of them on the blog, now im not so sure, there is nothing remotely sexy/erotic about seeing images of myself crying/sobbing, with a snotty nose and my hair entangled in it!
Will need to think on that, im quite insecure when it comes to self image, and i admire those that are comfortable with putting pics up, i wouldnt put up anything sexually explicit, thats just not me, but some of the ones he took i do like, sometimes pictures say more than words.
Yep i have comments to get to, and i will.
tori,
ReplyDeleteYour previous post was hard to read. It was too easy to imagine how you felt - not the physical, but the mental. You didn't portray a child's foot-stomping "that's not fair," but the need for reassurance and the devastation, no matter how short lived, at being denied. This would be easy to read as an M/s relationship gone wrong, as abuse. But it can also read as the really hard parts of a real, mature, grown-up M/s relationship, which is what you've always portrayed here. I hope that it does bring you both back to where you want to be.
thank you gg
DeleteIt was hard to write, but i needed to write it out, to try and make some sense of how i felt.
I was concerned that i might open myself out to negative comments, ie that it comes across as abuse, so i appreciate your comment being the first one saying what you said.
And yeah as horrid as it was, i do feel it was needed to get us both back on track.
thank you
x
Hi tori, I didn't comment on the previous post as it was so very raw, emotional and real. I think that this is one of the strengths of being able to write in this environment. As you reflect and process these emotions I trust that you find that as harsh as it was it had purpose and meaning. It is not for others to judge, only to observe, provide support and take from it any relevance to each of us. DtBHC.
ReplyDeletehi DtBHC
DeleteI was unsure about writing it, but it helps when i do to process how im feeling, and it did help.
Yes it had purpose and meaning, and for that it was worth it.
x
So, my mind is in some kind of weird place right now so feel free to ignore me :), but I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. I mean, you've been through a lot these last months and it has been a long time since you've had a punishment, right? Not to mention how bad you felt in the first place. And maybe your reaction has shaken you just as much as his coldness...
ReplyDeleteWhatever is was or wasn't, I think it was needed for the both of you.
Yes!
DeleteIt was needed, and although i stand by what i wrote i do feel better about it now.
x
Tori, I'm just nodding my head in agreement with the comments above and am so glad you are feeling better about it. It was hard and raw and you had emotions flowing going into it. I'm not surprised either you feel the way you do. It does sound as though it was needed for both of you.
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Roz