Thursday, 5 February 2015

Untitled because im such a silly cow at times

I lied to him, thats a first, the guilt has got to me, and the longer i had left telling him the truth the worse its gotten, making excuses for myself in my head to put it off, .......he's busy it can wait, its not like it was a bad lie, its not like he will ever know....but i know.

I disobeyed him, my lie was in saying that the disobedience was not intentional, that i had not fully understood what he had said, what i was told, simply that i had forgotten, but thats bullshit, i understood fully, and i chose to do what i wanted anyway.

I did it because i wanted to know what he would do, thats a first as well, as far as im aware i have never intentionally disobeyed just to get a reaction, i have never been bratty, not in that respect.  Generally i do do as im told, for sure im not perfect and i have had my fair share of punishments for disobedience or disrespectful behavious, but not often, well not as often as it used to be in the beginning.

Honestly, i dont know whats going on with me, im feeling so insecure, which i suspect is because during the time i had been absent from here, things were not good, i dont mean not good with us, but had a lot of vanilla shit going on that did have an impact on us, and he had been, still is very busy, and i think all of that going on, has left me feeling hmm adrift from my submission...if that makes any sense.

I wanted to know what he would do because he hasnt punished me in a long time, and there have been times i have deserved it, and its not like i want to be punished, but i have needed it, i figure that he had forgotten, put it off, i dont know, but its left me feeling like...well he cant be that concerned that i havent been pleasing or obedient if he isnt going to correct me when im not being.

I figure that perhaps its my place to remind him, to let him know i have a punishment due, but then the other part of me doesnt want to, because i dont want to be punished, so i stay quiet hoping it will slip by, (which it appears to be doing a lot of as late as i have racked up quite a lot in the last 6 months or so all left un dealt with,) which is a contradiction of what i said in above paragraph....i know!

I want to get things back to how they should be, i was worried that he no longer desired hurting me a lot because its been such a very long time since he has pushed me really hard, he said that was not the case at all, but he was concerned that my pain threshold may not be the same for various reasons.....and yeah thats concerning me as well.

The stupid thing is, i disobeyed him, and intentionally lied to him to give him good reason to hurt me a lot, to push his hand, and i didnt need to do that, im such a stupid bitch at times, because he doesnt need a reason and i prefer he hurts me because it pleases him, because he wants to, not because i havent behaved as i should.


*edited to add*

what i need, or what i think i need is to be reminded of what i am, to be put back into my place, because i like my place, i miss it.



















16 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, tori. I understand feeling "adrift" all too well. It wrecks havoc on insecurities and I actually was having a similar conversation with Heron as he's been super busy lately as well. I was having trouble describing how I was feeling and the word I used was "alone". But I think adrift is a more apt description.

    Hoping it all works out.

    hugs xx

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    1. Thanks little girl

      It is difficult, especially when they are so busy, i find i dont want to put extra pressure on him but at the same time it makes me more needy..if that makes sense.

      x

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  2. Gaah, this is so very hard. Hugs to you. And hope things get back on track.

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    1. it is hard, things are getting there, slowly

      thanks

      x

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  3. Stupid vanilla life, why does it have to always get in the way?!?!

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    1. I know, but unfortunately it does lol

      x

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  4. I'm sorry Tori, sending huge ((hugs)). Damn vanilla life has a habit of taking over. I'm sorry you are feeling adrift and do understand disobeying him to see what he will do. I really hope things get back on track for you soon.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. thank you Roz

      I understand why i did it but i still feel so much guilt about it, but its come to a head and i think things can only get better when its out in the open.

      x

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  5. Could have written this post myself. Though I haven't disobeyed. I'm contemplating it for all the reasons you gave.

    I hope you get back on track.

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    1. DONT DO IT

      yes im shouting at you lol

      but seriously its not worth it

      x

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  6. hi tori...know that feeling of lost or adrift as you put it...hate it when vanilla life gets in the way of what one wants...hope you both can get back on track...hugs

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    1. thank you blossom

      we are getting there, and now its out in the open it can be dealt with

      x

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  7. Tori,

    Hugs, sending so many hugs...coz we've all been there.

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    1. thank you Bleuame, yeah i think we all have been at one time or another, just hope once is enough for me lol

      x

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