Its all about the pain

Back in October of last year i was approached via email (which they got from my blog) asking if i would participate in answering some questions for a study about masochism, more specifically masochism in a D/s orientated setting.  I was wary, i remember a while back a blogger being interviewed about domestic discipline and the end result, the published result was quite controversial, words twisted etc and the last thing i want is that.

But this is for a study, and they provided me with contact details, and confidentiality was assured, i did not want my blog referenced, i prefer to be found via the blog network, anyways i forgot about it until today when they emailed me to say the study was finished and work was commencing on collating all the gathered information from all who participated.  They are going to send me the final paper when its finished, they sent me the transcript of the interview which has been modified by myself as it was done over a chat program and contains their personal information.

Anyways it was quite interesting from a personal perspective, its quite long, if you make it to the end you should reward yourself with a large glass of wine...in fact thats what im going to do now.

1)  In your own words, how do you define being masochistic?

Who elses words would they be in!  um i get aroused from pain

2)  Would you mind elaborating on that please?

well, s/m provides me with sexual gratification, i may not necessarily like every kind of pain but regardless i respond to it sexually within a controlled environment

3)  Controlled environment?

It has to be pain through s/m activity and there needs to be the element of dominance, the lack of power/control i have is perhaps more important to me than the actual s/m itself

4)  It needs to be a sadist inflicting the pain?

No, it needs to be a dominant sadist, not all sadists are dominants, and more specifically it needs to be my dominant

5)  What differences, in your opinion, does this make to you?

Like i said above its about the control, i dont know because i have never engaged in s/m with anyone who isnt a dominant but im assuming in that situation the masochist can negotiate what is going to happen and has control etc, whereas for me that is not an option, i prefer to not have a say in what will happen

6)  Did you seek out a sadistic dominant and why?

yes, because my previous D/s encounter led me to discovering pain, albeit mild and i liked it, wanted more but he wasnt comfortable with it, so it made sense to seek out a sadist

7)  You have been together how long?

umm 9 or 10 years this year i think, im crap with dates, sorry

8)  Was the relationship initially vanilla?, just getting some background information, if you don't mind.

 i dont mind, no we started as D/s

9)  S&M was incorporated into your relationship from the beginning?

yes, i was pretty sure i had bitten off more than i could chew initially lol

10)  Why was that?

because the pain i had tried before was fairly mild, spanking, nipple clamps, the basics really, and well i looked for a sadist and i got one, and the real thing is quite a bit more scary than imagined

11)  Was you aware of the extent of your masochism when you got together?

no, i knew i wanted to explore more s/m but i had no idea of what i could handle at that time, it never crossed my mind that i was a masochist

12)  Was there a pinnacle moment that made you realise?

I think, looking back it was when he was caning me, years ago now, and when he stopped i begged for more, he wouldnt, said i would see why when i looked in the mirror, my ass was a mess, welts, blood, much more and there was a risk of permanent damage, but i was so far gone, i would have happily carried on

13)  Did that concern you? to see yourself

no not at all, was on to much of a high, about the only time im vain is after s/m, i like to go look in the mirror to assess the damage

14)  From the masochists we have spoken to so far, there seems to be a general consensus that having marks, bruises etc is important, would you concur with that?

yep, i do like to have something to show for it lol, i like feeling them, especially if there are raised welts, i like the reminder of them when i sit down or when he presses them etc

15)  Is bondage important to you for S&M? why?

oh yes, i love being tied up, because i find it easier to adapt to the pain when i cannot escape it, one has to learn to accept it because there simply is no choice, whereas if i have the option to move, depending on what he is doing and if im struggling with it....i will move a lot,   but really its just simply i like to be restrained, its comforting in odd sort of way

16)  Do you have a preference for specific scenarios, role-play, implements?

Dont do role-play, scenarios, well isnt that the same sort of thing? implements, im predictable, if allowed to choose im 98% of the time going to opt for the cane, leather strap or belt coming in a close second

17)  By scenarios, I mean do you prefer there to be a structure, the session planned in advance?

I dont mind, i think sometimes he has idea of what he wants to happen but im not usually privvy to that information, as long as it involves a caning on the bench im happy

18)  Do you self inflict pain on yourself for sexual gratification?

No, i wouldnt want to,  it just wouldnt be the same

19) Have you ever self harmed?

no

20)  Do either of you wear fetish clothing?

nope, prefer to get naked and get on with it

21)  Hoods or masks?

For him, no, doesnt appeal to me at all, for me...yes i love hoods especially

22)  Why?

I like anything that restricts me in any way, so in the case of the hood its obviously my sight, and my hearing isnt that great either, it heightens the senses, touch especially, and i like that it builds up anticipation and sometimes fear

23)  You like to be afraid? fearful of your dominant?

in the context of it being in an s/m session yes, sometimes, so like if im hooded there is that build up, anticipation, not knowing what implement he has picked up, when its going to strike, and where, but to make it clear, overall im not afraid of him in general

24)  Does it concern you where your masochism might lead you to?

It used to, now and again i think about it, but mostly no, as long as im getting enjoyment out of it on some level, im content to just go along the lines of what will be, will be

25)  Does his sadism concern you?

no, he pushes me hard at times, but i trust him to judge when enough is enough

26)  Is sex integral to S&M?

i dont consider it important, i wouldnt be miffed if there was no sex at all, although i do like to suck his cock as a reprieve between activities

27)  Do you reach climax through S&M?

sometimes, but not always, again i dont consider that important

28) Explain please, why you don't consider that important, is that not the aim?

not for me, i dont go into it thinking..i better get an orgasm out of this, i think its because the actual s/m satisfies me enough, given a choice between sex and s/m i will opt for s/m, plus although for sure its great to have an orgasm...if i dont, whether it be during s/m or sex it doesnt make it any less enjoyable

29)  Aside from the physical, how does S&M effect you emotionally?

it depends, so many variables, how i feel usually depends on his mood, if he is happy and relaxed then i tend to be, if he isnt then im on edge which makes me struggle more with it all, especially if he isnt pleased with me

30) Pain can be used as a deterrent then, for the purpose of behaviour modification?

yes, although my body will still respond sexually, there is pain i dont enjoy, and in that scenario my headspace would be in a place, which is well not good and thats what makes it much less enjoyable and difficult to cope with

31) You don't use a safeword is that correct?

it is

32)  Why not, it's considered a must have for both your own's safety?

considered by whom?  you know when i said above about the time i was caned?  in that situation i was gone, well into subspace, i was in no fit state to know that i had enough, when i get like that, a safeword would be pointless because im incapable of recognising i should use it

33) But what about situations when you are not in subspace, you need him to stop for a particular reason?

ok, so a scenario...lets say im suspended, gagged/hooded, so cant speak, suspension cuffs restrict movement of hands so that rules out being able to hold something in the hand to drop.  So i am unable to let him know myself that i need him to stop for whatever reason.

I trust him to closely observe how im reacting, responses etc, we have been together long enough now that he knows how i generally react etc, for the times i can actually speak, if something is wrong that shouldnt be, like cramp or the cuffs might be causing me discomfort, in a way we dont want..well hey i would say "cuffs" etc ...but even if a safeword was in place its not for the purpose of "ok, i dont like this anymore, stop" but thats my opinion.

34) There still is risk involved though?

yep, there is risk involved when crossing the road, driving a car, having certain operations, you can place all necessary safety precautions in place to avoid risks, but there still is risk, something can still go wrong

35)  Nearly finished, you will be pleased to know.  How do you express yourself during S&M, crying, screaming etc?

I dont cry, well its very rare that i do, not because im a hard ass lol i just dont seem to respond in that way, im more inclined to cry from a build up of emotions, usually if he is voicing his disappointment with me than the pain itself.  It depends, i tend to be a giggler, its not uncommon for me to have a fit of the giggles when he is hurting me, other than that im a screamer and i swear at him a lot...well its the only time i get to call him horrible names, got to make the most of it!

26)  And lastly, do you have any inclinations to switch just for the purpose of S&M?

absolutely not, nope, not happening, i would find it quite distressing if he asked that of me...but thats not going to happen


They also sent me a long list of activities, in which i had to put a 1 to 5 against on how much i liked it etc..but thats for another time.