Like a lamb to slaughter

I cried more in a few hours, than all of the years we have been together.

I didnt want to go in the room of doom, i said as much, in a last ditch attempt of bravado, being defiant was not a wise move, a threat got me moving.

I didnt even get fully undressed, i was left in stockings and my ankle boots usually he wants me totally naked, i think he was getting impatient with me.  Usually im quite fond of anticipation, waiting, watching him, trying to figure out what his move is going to be, but it was not nice in these circumstances.  He didnt need to drill me about why i was being punished, went through that the night before, there was nothing left to be said...just informing me that i would be getting the cane on both my hands and the dressage whip on my back.

He put a thick metal collar with a chain attached on me, its heavy and uncomfortable, not suitable for long term wear.

The tears, started when he told me to kneel on a footstool and hold out my hand, this is worse, for me, when i have to willingly hold my hand out, he has used the tawse before on my hand as a punishment (that was bloody horrid) and i just knew the cane would be worse.....it was, much worse.

I lost count of the strokes, im not a fan of counting during a punishment, i like it when i want to do it, without being told to, in general play, i used to, many years ago, find it baffling how anyone can lose count, how hard can it be for goodness sake....actually quite hard, i have learnt from experience.

I think its because, well speaking for myself, its difficult because emotions are all over the place, its not play, fun, his demeanour although calm its not in anyway nice, im crying, each stroke fucking hurts and your fighting to deal with the pain, before readying for the next one, and when i  said a number, and he said "no" its like being put on pause, im so sure it was that number, but it cant be because he said so, so did i under count or over count?  and there is this moment of panicking, trying to keep track.

The throbbing from my hands was relentless, there was no reprieve at all when he finished, just an instruction to get on the cross, i hate the dressage whip, its in my room 101, and i cant (especially now) see it ever coming out.

The first one, took my breath away, i wasnt expecting it to be that hard, i was struggling to count out at all, let alone keep count, made more difficult because he wasnt giving me any time in between strokes to recover from each one, when i was struggling with each one, and every one had me catching my breath, gasping for air whilst sobbing is not easy i found out, and all the while he is berating me for not calling out the count quick enough, but it was because i was panicking....a part of me hated him in that moment.

After, he had me get in the cage, securing the chain on the collar to the top of the cage so the only position i could hold was crouched down on my knees, it was uncomfortable, when all i wanted to do was lie down and curl up.

I couldnt stop crying, from the pain, from his coldness, i think thats what got to me the most, that i had been punished, and i needed reassurance from him then, some comfort of any kind, just anything to let me know i was forgiven, i needed that...and i got nothing.

I dont know how long i was in there, not overly long, 10 minutes, maybe more, i dont know, it was quiet, i couldnt see him, couldnt hear him, he had actually gone to the bathroom, but i didnt know that, i just sobbed, trying to move to get more comfortable, until he let me out.  I like being caged, but i didnt like being put in there at that time, i was too distraught.

When he did let me out, i thought now he will offer me some comfort, but no, he had me sit on the bondage chair, still sobbing while he restrained my arms and legs, i honestly couldnt believe it, and still cant now, when he said "why are you still crying, your punishment is over"!!!!

I didnt think even he could be that heartless, but clearly i was wrong, well let me see...why am i still crying?

well, it was the worst punishment i have ever had, i struggled with it, i know i deserved it, but i also think i deserved some comfort afterwards, i needed it, i needed to know that i was forgiven, that it was over and done with, it might have been for you, but it wasnt for me, you just left me to deal with it on my own.  Then you had me sit on the chair, to await goodness knows what and i was scared, was i still being punished? was you still disappointed with me? am i going to get more pain i dont like? all these thoughts were going on in my head, and i wasnt coping with it.

I had to ask you if i was forgiven, i shouldnt have had to ask, as much as i deserved to be punished, when it was over i wanted, no, i needed your comfort, reassurance,  surely i deserved that as well? a moments reprieve before moving on?

I need to get that off my chest before moving onto the more pleasanter parts.