Monday 23 February 2015

Like a lamb to slaughter

I cried more in a few hours, than all of the years we have been together.

I didnt want to go in the room of doom, i said as much, in a last ditch attempt of bravado, being defiant was not a wise move, a threat got me moving.

I didnt even get fully undressed, i was left in stockings and my ankle boots usually he wants me totally naked, i think he was getting impatient with me.  Usually im quite fond of anticipation, waiting, watching him, trying to figure out what his move is going to be, but it was not nice in these circumstances.  He didnt need to drill me about why i was being punished, went through that the night before, there was nothing left to be said...just informing me that i would be getting the cane on both my hands and the dressage whip on my back.

He put a thick metal collar with a chain attached on me, its heavy and uncomfortable, not suitable for long term wear.

The tears, started when he told me to kneel on a footstool and hold out my hand, this is worse, for me, when i have to willingly hold my hand out, he has used the tawse before on my hand as a punishment (that was bloody horrid) and i just knew the cane would be worse.....it was, much worse.

I lost count of the strokes, im not a fan of counting during a punishment, i like it when i want to do it, without being told to, in general play, i used to, many years ago, find it baffling how anyone can lose count, how hard can it be for goodness sake....actually quite hard, i have learnt from experience.

I think its because, well speaking for myself, its difficult because emotions are all over the place, its not play, fun, his demeanour although calm its not in anyway nice, im crying, each stroke fucking hurts and your fighting to deal with the pain, before readying for the next one, and when i  said a number, and he said "no" its like being put on pause, im so sure it was that number, but it cant be because he said so, so did i under count or over count?  and there is this moment of panicking, trying to keep track.

The throbbing from my hands was relentless, there was no reprieve at all when he finished, just an instruction to get on the cross, i hate the dressage whip, its in my room 101, and i cant (especially now) see it ever coming out.

The first one, took my breath away, i wasnt expecting it to be that hard, i was struggling to count out at all, let alone keep count, made more difficult because he wasnt giving me any time in between strokes to recover from each one, when i was struggling with each one, and every one had me catching my breath, gasping for air whilst sobbing is not easy i found out, and all the while he is berating me for not calling out the count quick enough, but it was because i was panicking....a part of me hated him in that moment.

After, he had me get in the cage, securing the chain on the collar to the top of the cage so the only position i could hold was crouched down on my knees, it was uncomfortable, when all i wanted to do was lie down and curl up.

I couldnt stop crying, from the pain, from his coldness, i think thats what got to me the most, that i had been punished, and i needed reassurance from him then, some comfort of any kind, just anything to let me know i was forgiven, i needed that...and i got nothing.

I dont know how long i was in there, not overly long, 10 minutes, maybe more, i dont know, it was quiet, i couldnt see him, couldnt hear him, he had actually gone to the bathroom, but i didnt know that, i just sobbed, trying to move to get more comfortable, until he let me out.  I like being caged, but i didnt like being put in there at that time, i was too distraught.

When he did let me out, i thought now he will offer me some comfort, but no, he had me sit on the bondage chair, still sobbing while he restrained my arms and legs, i honestly couldnt believe it, and still cant now, when he said "why are you still crying, your punishment is over"!!!!

I didnt think even he could be that heartless, but clearly i was wrong, well let me see...why am i still crying?

well, it was the worst punishment i have ever had, i struggled with it, i know i deserved it, but i also think i deserved some comfort afterwards, i needed it, i needed to know that i was forgiven, that it was over and done with, it might have been for you, but it wasnt for me, you just left me to deal with it on my own.  Then you had me sit on the chair, to await goodness knows what and i was scared, was i still being punished? was you still disappointed with me? am i going to get more pain i dont like? all these thoughts were going on in my head, and i wasnt coping with it.

I had to ask you if i was forgiven, i shouldnt have had to ask, as much as i deserved to be punished, when it was over i wanted, no, i needed your comfort, reassurance,  surely i deserved that as well? a moments reprieve before moving on?

I need to get that off my chest before moving onto the more pleasanter parts.

























15 comments:

  1. Wow!! I'm so sorry for your punishment but whether you know it or not, you are so brave. Both of those sound god awful!! I hope your last line means that you got the comfort and reassurance you needed.

    Hugsxx

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    1. I wouldnt say brave lol, i didnt want it, was bloody scared, but its over with, i have to move on.

      x

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  2. Replies
    1. it was horrid, just dont want to go through that again

      x

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  3. I couldn't take my hands being punished especially when they are needed in the every day doing of things. it sounds extremely painful what you went through even if you did deserve it. Hope things are better.

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    1. I wasnt sure i could take it, but i did, well didnt have a choice

      It was painful, lesson learnt, i needed it, to be able to move on.

      x

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  4. I'm so sorry the punishment was so difficult Tori, it sounds painful! Sorry too that you didn't receive the comfort you needed. I really hope you have received some comfort since and that you have talked.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. hi Roz

      We talked through it earlier, and i feel better about it now than i did at the time of writing this post.

      x

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  5. I can see both sides, punishment is just that, unpleasant in whatever form is chosen, to correct a behaviour, a consensual chosen route between 2 adults. It`s horrid, nasty, mentally the disappointment and physically re your hands/back and the coldness in how it delivered. To me, this is what punishment is. I don`t get cuddles, a blanket, cup of tea, I am left to "wallow" and reflect. It is always delivered coldly. However, much they do remain cold to me afterwards or leave me alone, it is expressed verbally that the punishment is done, a line has been drawn underneath. Move on. Closure is important. Otherwise, I beat myself up more than any cane or whip could and that impedes my future service. Perhaps you were denied this as part of the punishment? I don`t get any comfort after being punished, ever. Perhaps bear in mind, how his old mind set may have been after doing that to you? Adrenaline, him needing his own "come down" moment. I/we take punishment seriously, so much so even the mere threat, has an immediate effect on my service. So for us it works. You did it, you stood up, accepted your mistakes and the punishment and that takes some balls Tori, I would be interested to know how you feel a few weeks ahead about this, compared to the raw emotion felt immediate afterwards. With love Xx

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    1. anon,

      thank you for this, it gave me much to think about, and i agree with all that you said, part of me didnt want to but its spot on...so thank you

      x

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    2. If you have learnt from this, it worked. As far as I know, no Dominant, Owner, truly enjoys delivering a "proper"punishment, it means a failure on both parts. I know this dynamic is not for everyone, but for, me it is a need, it has to be delivered cold and almost "heartless". For the lesson to be learnt. You did so well tori and are now obviously working through your feelings/emotions. Which personally I love to see, a girl grow in this way. Take care of you, Nice Anon Xx

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  6. Perhaps this is the only way to truly punish a masochist? It seems to me he knew exactly what he was doing and that you recount it here as being so unpleasant suggests that he has found a way to successfully punish a hard-core masochist.

    He seems to know your mind and body very well.

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    1. It appears so because i really have no wish to go through that again.

      Yeah he knows me very well, perhaps better than i know myself.

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  7. From a Dom perspective, I think it is good training for you. I think when you have more time to think about it and you will realize you needed to submit to his control and be punished while you learned a good lesson. I hope you will soon be ready to get to the more pleasant parts.

    FD

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    1. Hi FD

      Yes it was, it was horrible but i learned a lesson, a valuable one.

      The pleasant parts were good, didnt make up for the punishment, but im grateful there were elements i enjoyed.

      x

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