Thursday, 20 December 2007

wet does not equal enjoyment

oops havent posted as regularly as i intended, what can i say its nearly xmas and i have been busy and pre-occupied.

well it appears my suspicions are correct (ref. last post) havent heard from her since, she has just dropped contact without no explanation but im not fazed by this its a regular occurence.

What prompted me to write today is after talking to Him earlier it came up how He assumes im excited but scared at the same time about my up and coming whipping.......hmm no im not bloody excited in any way of the prospect just fucking terrified. On one of my previous posts a comment was made about how being a masochist and therefore liking pain why do i not like the whip...reasonable point, i enjoy most aspects of pain and the whip will arouse me, my body just seems to respond in this way i dont have any control over that reaction and therefore i suppose the obvious conclusion is if im wet i must be enjoying it...wrong. It winds me right up when He asks if im wet when obviously i am i get wet watching the Saw triology this does not mean i want to be tortured to death.

I dont really know why i get aroused so easily when im not enjoying something and i dont think its because im subconciously enjoying it either, the last whipping He gave me hurt a lot i didnt like it at all and that wasnt given as a punishment so naturally in dreading the next one that is as punishment. However i do get off on being made to do something i dont like so this could be a factor of why i get so aroused like when i had to go down on a women, no i didnt like it but i got off on having to do it, not sure if that makes sense but i know what i mean.

So bottom line is just because im fucking wet does not prove anything, i respond almost immediatley when we are talking and it could be about anything in general so being as He is fond of His scientific experiments ........ explain that then Sir?

Sunday, 2 December 2007

suspicious minds

Have chatted to a slave on im, i wrote to her on ic at His request as her profile intrigued me well the scenario in the profile interested me. Im more sceptical and suspicious than i used to be and im not sure of what to make of her at the moment, taking what she has said into consideration (if indeed its the truth) i have a few nagging doubts, her husband is also a dominant who has his own sub, she does not sub to him but he knows that she has a Master, which i guess is possible just seems odd would like to know why they are not a M/s couple. Her Master im assuming is also married, again nothing unusual but i assume this as they only meet in hotels once a month for one night.

Her profile states that if anyone expresses a wish to use her then they should send her a memo and then her Master would decide, hmm i would have thought that any direct requests would go through him and that his email address would be shown or at least have his own profile, but i guess this can be explained just seems a strange set up considering she said she is not allowed to communicate with other dominants without his permission. I received an offline message from her saying that her Master had sent me email although have received no such mail and have since told her that any commuication with him should go through my Master and gave her His email address, and as far as i know He hasnt had any contact.

I wish i wasnt so distrusting but after the last couple im scared i dont want to run any risks of not knowing what im getting involved in so its going to take a lot to gain my trust, i was talkative and friendly but held back from saying too much. She was very curious about the experiences i have had particulary with other couples and wanted details and i became suspicious that it was for wank fodder so i didnt elaborate too much. I certainly want to talk to her some more and form more of an opinion she seemed pleasant enough and i liked her but then i have liked others before and been manipulated so i reserve judgment at the moment.

Saturday, 1 December 2007

im in the shit again (not literally yet)

Well um it didnt go quite as i thought it would, i knew He would punish me and i was expecting the butt plug which is bad enough but what i didnt anticipate was He would make me wait until January when we are together and i will get 30 lashes with the whip. I didnt see that coming at all and i was a bit dumbstruck which is unsual for me but was probably for the best because i think if i had said what was on my mind i would have made things a lot worse as it is i dont think i deserve fucking 30 lashes thats a bloody lot and if there like the ones i had last time well i know whats coming and it aint nice.

Im not dwelling on it too much at the moment as i have a lot going on at home and work but get xmas out the way and i will probably start working myself up about it, where i do find it difficult is trying not to argue, my tone of voice starts becoming aggressive and i know i do it and its really hard to stop myself, im trying to accept it gracefully as i know i should but i have never been one for being tactful or keeping my mouth shut when im itching to say exactly whats on my mind. What infuriates me is that when i know i have done wrong He has this bloody knack of making me feel like a child being scolded, i cant get my words out, i mumble, and i get tearful i think this is because i know i have disappointed Him and thats enough to make me feel really bad. And then afterwards i act like a bloody teenage calling Him everything under the sun (not directly to Him) it doesnt necessarily make me feel any better it just eases the frustration of the way He makes me feel when im in the wrong. Bastard.

Anyway i miss Him, its the weekend and we cant talk, im feeling horny and i darent ask to masturbate considering this is why im being punished in the first place, not asking but doing it before waiting for permission, as well as not doing my daily task. I was worried that He might ban me completely (masturbating that is) that would be hard, really hard i could do it but i wouldnt like it at all and weighing this up against the whip i think i would be tempted to go with the whip only because at the moment i havent got to think about it, although i just cant believe He is going to make me wait all this time, thats fucking cruel.