Saturday, 1 December 2007

im in the shit again (not literally yet)

Well um it didnt go quite as i thought it would, i knew He would punish me and i was expecting the butt plug which is bad enough but what i didnt anticipate was He would make me wait until January when we are together and i will get 30 lashes with the whip. I didnt see that coming at all and i was a bit dumbstruck which is unsual for me but was probably for the best because i think if i had said what was on my mind i would have made things a lot worse as it is i dont think i deserve fucking 30 lashes thats a bloody lot and if there like the ones i had last time well i know whats coming and it aint nice.

Im not dwelling on it too much at the moment as i have a lot going on at home and work but get xmas out the way and i will probably start working myself up about it, where i do find it difficult is trying not to argue, my tone of voice starts becoming aggressive and i know i do it and its really hard to stop myself, im trying to accept it gracefully as i know i should but i have never been one for being tactful or keeping my mouth shut when im itching to say exactly whats on my mind. What infuriates me is that when i know i have done wrong He has this bloody knack of making me feel like a child being scolded, i cant get my words out, i mumble, and i get tearful i think this is because i know i have disappointed Him and thats enough to make me feel really bad. And then afterwards i act like a bloody teenage calling Him everything under the sun (not directly to Him) it doesnt necessarily make me feel any better it just eases the frustration of the way He makes me feel when im in the wrong. Bastard.

Anyway i miss Him, its the weekend and we cant talk, im feeling horny and i darent ask to masturbate considering this is why im being punished in the first place, not asking but doing it before waiting for permission, as well as not doing my daily task. I was worried that He might ban me completely (masturbating that is) that would be hard, really hard i could do it but i wouldnt like it at all and weighing this up against the whip i think i would be tempted to go with the whip only because at the moment i havent got to think about it, although i just cant believe He is going to make me wait all this time, thats fucking cruel.

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