Sunday, 31 March 2013

High maintenence

Why is it that some of his traits irritate the life out of me, yet its these very same traits that make me feel safe, content and controlled?

But mostly why does it take me so long to activate that light switch in my head and to actually realise and understand what he has been saying for years?

I dont feel any unease with saying that i put his pleasure before mine, and i do, because i have realised that is what gives me enjoyment and satisfaction, i need/want/desire to please him, im not concerned with whether he allows me to orgasm or not, its simply his choice, if it pleases him that i dont then that is all i need to focus on.

Of course i like having orgasms but i like pleasing him more and that should apply to every instruction, rule he decides.

And because i know he wouldnt intentionally damage or place unrealistic expectations on me, when he does want or expresses a need to push me out of my comfort zone in any context, that is what i need to focus on...pleasing him.

We have been together a long time now, im comfortable with how we are, sometimes i have wandered if i have lost myself along the way in this dynamic...then i 'look' at us even through the rough times and i realise i was lost a long time ago...until he found me, and he didnt think me 'wierd' or too 'high maintenence' because of the extent to which i enjoy being controlled, he encouraged and embraced it.

Thinking of 'high maintenence' when i was looking before i met the bossman, i was told that was what i was by a dominant, i found it upsetting? confusing? but really it simply means that i required more than that dominant could give, i see that now.

So yeah i do put his needs/desires/wants first and before my own discomforts because he has given me so much more, acceptance and understanding of who i am, he has shown me freedom.

So yes perhaps i am high mainenence, not because i need a lot of controlling because of 'flaws' or being too much hard work, i need it because i thrive on it.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

A bit of advice (vanilla)

When in a rush getting ready to go out, realise you have forgotten something up in the bedroom, it is not recommended to try pulling a jumper on over your head at the same time as going up a flight of wooden stairs.

What happens is you lose a sense of balance and concentration, and end up losing a step, falling down, ending up in casualty with concussion, a broken finger, sprained ankle and well a selection of bruises that in other circumstances i would be proud to be wearing!

On the plus side it means getting to chill out on the sofa to rest ankle, and sore head, sit and read books that one has been meaning to get around to for ages and watch other peoples 'drama' on the know Jerry Springer type shows...seriously those could get addicting!   especially waiting to hear the dna results to find out if Charnell's baby belongs to her husband or the car mechanics (petes), and petes wife is waiting to hear the results as well...not that i have been watching it a lot you understand!

So yeah im 'off duty' for a sure the novelty will wear off soon enough.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Spot the difference

A dominant or domineering man

These are my personal views.

The man is domineering, he has an air of self importance about him, the woman frets a lot, she is reluctant to purchase clothes for herself because he might not like them and she will have to take them back, after he has 'mocked' her for choosing something that he deems 'makes her look fat' or he doesnt think suits her...even though she may well look lovely in it.

He doesnt like her friends too much, he might say its because there not nice people and they are using her, there not really her friends, why would she want to mix with people like that!, she may well have been friends with them for years and he hasnt but he is only expressing his opinions because 'he cares' and doesnt want to see her being taken advantage of. So she doesnt see them so much because he gets upset and she understands (she thinks) that he is upset because he cares.

She has friends that are men, known them for years, they may well be happily married but the domineering man doesnt think it appropriate for married men to be so friendly with her, he tells the woman how can she be so gulliable and not see that there after a bit on the side, is she stupid? the woman doesnt want the aggravation so they dont mix with these other couples now....she thinks? how cute the mans jealousy it jealousy?

The man expresses his 'concern' with what she reads, what she watches, what she eats, how much she drinks, where she works, he might suggest that actually she shouldnt work, maybe its best the woman thinks if only she reads, watches, eats and drinks what the man says is good for her..because as he says 'he knows best' and its because he cares.  And maybe he is right that her job isnt right for her, to forget about going for that promotion because as he said "your not really good enough for it..but im only saving you from humiliating yourself"

The man does as he likes, when he likes but as he has explained to the woman he is more 'knowledgeable' and experienced about life and people, she isnt, and he wants to keep her safe, so the woman has these little niggles and moments of doubts when she is home alone and has no one to talk to, but she cant trust her own opinion because as he has told her time and time again 'he knows best', she isnt sure she is happy but then he is 'dominant' and isnt this what it is meant to be like.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Gosh im on a roll this week and its only Wednesday

I want to for my own mind and to clarify some points that were brought up in my last post.

Its not so much that im mortified with the fantasy becoming reality, its my reaction to it that has shocked me, because i have just not had these feelings of jealousy before, they are new to me.  The actual fantasy of watching him with another woman still turns me on, i think it would be a very hot scenario.

When you start exploring fantasies, or as with any venture into the unknown then it needs to be talked about and discussed especially when it brings up forms of resistance, for me on this occassion it has brought up a lot of insecurities.

But i have been here before, a few times, i was adamant when we first got together and for a long while afterwards that there was no way on this earth i was getting sexual with a woman, it caused a lot of turmoil and distressed feelings, many indepth conversations into getting down to the root of the problem.

He wouldnt force a situation onto me if he had any doubts about it, of course he is human and doesnt always get it right, and in 7 years there has only been one occassion where it just was a disaster..and we both learnt from it.

Fear often is what holds me back, holds most people back i would imagine, and the only way to get past this is to really start examining (through communicating) where this fear stems from.

In this case ie with him being with another woman, my fears are irrational but nevertheless they are there,

I fear 'what if he prefers her to me', what if she is better than me', what if im just left wanting to tear her hair from her head'

These are very real feelings, but irrational, they are formed from a lack of confidence, jealousy (which im really struggling with) and the conflict that i know i trust him so why this conflict!

If its something he really wants then it will happen, but not before im in a better state of mind about it all, i have been with women a few times now and im no worse for it, no its not something im naturally drawn to but the excitement was in 'doing something i didnt want to do', it was about the control, which is a whole blog post in its own right!

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Opening a can of worms

Everyone has fantasies dont they? some are plain unrealistic...although im absolutley convinced i am the woman for Johnny Depp.

I have lots of fantasies, many i have been lucky enough to experience, some didnt live up to the fantasy, and then there are those that just are best left as fantasy, some are simply well ones im not comfortable in discussing here.

There are also those that are possible, but im unsure of if they make reality will i be ok with that? what would the repurcussions be if i wasnt, but it would be too late in the moment? would they impact on our relationship?

Over the years i have expressed my desire to watch the bossman having sex with another woman, i have watched another woman give him a blowjob and that didnt faze me at all, no jealousy, i was turned on by watching, but that was...crikey 3 years ago if not longer, when we did mix and play with others.   There has been no sex with others, and i have and still dont have any desire to be with another man....i have given another dominant a blowjob before with bossman watching and i didnt like it.

Yesterday i mentioned to him that this was still something i thought about a lot, i like the idea of being tied to a chair, gagged and watching him with another woman, i dont want to join in, i have engaged sexually with another woman and its not really something that holds any appeal, im bisexual coz he says i am!  anyway i just mentioned it and moved on, thinking no more of it.

Today he anounced out of the blue "better get looking then for a woman I can fuck, so you can watch" and..and i wasnt expecting that, but more so i wasnt expecting this sudden rush of jealousy especially as i have always maintained im not a jealous minded person, but being confronted with it actually happening....has brought about these emotions that are new to me...and i dont like it.

I want to put the worms back into the can and leave them there.

Shallow waters

I know my faults, i have a fair few but i also know what my strengths are, one of which is i am good at being good, i like doing as im told, of course im not always, i mess up etc and there are rare occassions albeit not many that i do disobey with intent, knowing that he wont be pleased.

Its not because i want punishment, if i want pain i can ask, but then punishments dont need to be of the physical kind..but either way its not the reason, punishment is not in any way fun or 'play' related here.

I certainly dont like disappointing or displeasing him..hence why i am good for the most part, and his expectations of me, the behaviour he likes etc are not unreasonable, sometimes yes in my mind i think he is being unfair but well he gets the final word...thats just the way it is and considering its his control and dominance, making the choices and decisions etc that make me feel secure, well i cant have my cake and eat it can i?

No.  Its rather when it comes to opinions, expressing them that is, not with him, but well here in blogger.

So im fiercely protective of my blog, its my 'voice', where i can express myself, i very much see it as being my domain, which is fine by him, he is content to let me blog away.  Then something might occur and i realise how little privacy i have from him, and although its my blog he can and would if he was of the mind to.....take it away for a period of time.

I am opinionated, he has no issue with that at all, he never makes me feel that my opinions, feelings, thoughts are invalid, that they dont matter, and we dont always agree on everything (and by everything i mean just famine, politics etc for example) and thats ok, we just have to agree to disagree.

What i say here, my thoughts, opinions etc are still encouraged, but the same rules apply within the blog as they do out of it, and sometimes that means his word is final on a choice/decision he may make in respect of blogging...which i dont agree with and being good sort of goes out the window.

Monday, 25 March 2013

Little things please little minds

Ok i dont care if it makes me sad, or maybe completley off my rocker but today i had the new oven installed and i cant stop looking at it!  im feeling rather spoilt.

It finally got installed today, even though the kitchen has been finished for 5 weeks now, its beautiful, i dont even want to use it..but thats ok coz its self clean!!!

Im a bit intimidated by the fact that it has a control panel that looks like something nasa would come up with, it has a food probe built in, 90 automatic programs...ok i love gadgets i admit that especially in the kichen.

My son went to use it an hour ago to cook a pizza and i wouldnt let him...i know thats sad huh..but there is no way its first use is going to be bloody pizza!

I have been told off (laughingly) for sitting at the breakfast bar just staring at it.

Im so excited....i know about an oven! clearly im bonkers.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Searching for the end of the rainbow

So i know im not great at admitting to having struggles, but i did and well it was ok (alright i did have that one anonymous comment and an email) but it was a relief, just to get it out that actually sometimes, although thankfully not often, i hit a wall and it all just seems so difficult and confusing. 

I remember reading one of lil's posts and some paragraphs resonated with me, particularly as it was around this time that i was having personal conflict.

"I occasionally come across blogs that are all sunshine and roses--I move right along. Call me cynical if you want, (Alpha does) but life isn't all rainbows and roses.
It, quite literally, takes plenty of shit to grow flowers.

When I see my blog described elsewhere, it is most often with some variation of "lil's struggles speak to me." Not an award winner for perfection perhaps, but I think we all struggle sometimes, and pretending that we don't doesn't help us grow

Im by no means belittling blogs that are always positive and happy, would rather that than all doom and gloom, but i do tend to lean towards blogs that let people have a glimpse of when it is difficult, when it is a struggle, those that are living it through the good times and the not so good times.

They are the ones i recommend to those looking for a more realistic insight into this lifestyle.

Im not a newbie, nor have i been doing this for decades, but im past the 'sub frenzy' stage, i have been through the realisations of separating fantasy from reality, so when i get mail critiscising me for potraying ttwd, specifically M/s in a negative light because it shouldnt be difficult and im putting off those interested in tpe that may come accross my blog, i find it insulting.

In fact i will go as far as saying im making it more realistic because im opening up about the difficult times, no im not saying that my relationship is the blueprint for how it should be, but please if you want the fairytale versions of ttwd and all that it encompasses reach for your kindle.

cynical i may be, although it could be said its being more realistic!

Saturday, 23 March 2013

A question

A comment....

"what makes a dominant a Master?"

I have my thoughts on this, but its late and im on a promise so im going to make good on that now..tmi!

Thursday, 21 March 2013

No, i can do it myself

Im not keen on nipple clamps, i will concede to admitting that i love to hate them, but there not something i would choose to have used on me on the times he lets me choose.

There ok once they are on and that initial sharp pain fades but its that knowing that when they are pulled off its going to be horrid, and thats what i dont like, if im not restrained i admit to covering my tits and pleading for him not to take them off.  Of course they do have to come off at some point as he smugly points out, so i beg to be allowed to take them off myself..because then i can do it my way.

However it normally goes like this

him: remove your hands

me: no, its going to hurt, please let me do it when im ready

him: (with that pointed look and a sigh) no. last chance, remove your hands

so it can go one of two ways now, i either remove my hands and let him pull them off without interference or i attempt to plead some more, in which case he goes to pick up some nasty implement to motivate me into doing as im told,  so i drop my hands, he pulls them off and i still get 'motivation' for not doing as i was told on the last chance warning.

Im getting better at picking option one!

But worse than that is when im restrained and i cant cover myself, last time i was on the spanking bench and he attached clover clamps to one nipple then the chain ran underneath the bench to attach to the other nipple, so while he caned me everytime i rose up off the bench in response to the impact the chain would pull on the clamps tightening was a delicious kind of way.  Sometimes he will add weights and *shudder* i hate that..cant even say i love to hate them.....he would disagree on that point....hmm i dont mind light ones.

But they still have to come off, and in this scenario i cant cover myself, and he finds it amusing as he walks around the bench listening to me pleading..and i know its pointless but i cant help it...i dunno maybe i think that this will be the time he will give in (hey one has to have hope) and its torture, lying there waiting for them to come off but not wanting them to, and i make promises...pointless promises..anything to get him to let me take them off myself...i offer to suck his cock (sometimes he will oblige...funny that huh)....but its a bit like 'what goes up must come down' and so eventually....

Of course he pulls them off.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

What makes you?

Maybe i shouldnt give my posts obsecure titles because i cant find the post im looking for..or maybe i have just got a terrible memory, but im sure i wrote about something similar to this not long ago, or maybe i didnt..i honestly sometimes think this blog is a perpetual loop, but the more i learn, opinions change.

Happygurl asks...and yes i know i have taken my time in getting around to answering this...sorry.

"what makes you submit to things you really dont like? why not have them as hard limits?"

Trust is the simplist answer.

Because this is sometimes a topic that can cause umm whats the word im looking for .... lets say it can be a sensitive subject depending on one's viewpoint! im going to start by saying this is all based on consent and its what works for us.

The bossman has limits and therefore they are mine as well, its about not holding anything back/denying him, however it also means him taking responsibility in what he may subject me to, by that i mean not intentionally subjecting me to something that would cause me harm long term (mentally as well as physically) in a way neither of us want.  So that covers limits.

As a sidenote, i do believe everyone has limits, and although his are mine, it does not mean that he pays no mind to fears i have, somethings simply are a 'cant' (perhaps due to physical limitations or emotional anguish) rather than a 'wont'..its very important, and i will repeat means being responsible.

On the right of my blog there in the list of popular posts one is titled bdsm room 101 (i dont know how it became a popular one, (i figured George Orwell fans might have got a shock on coming accross it!) but anyway that lists some things in bdsm that i really dont like (i probably should update it, its a few years old now i think) well one of the things on it is the dressage whip.

I dont like this particular whip, i dont handle it well at all, but because of how limits work for us, i am unable to have it as a hard limit, its one of a few things that i could quite happily dispose of, never to be seen again.

I submit to its use not just because i dont have choice (ie not a limit) but also because im motivated by the desire to please him, and simply not liking something is not a good enough reason to not submit.  If i only submitted to the things i enjoyed, wanted, i wander if that is indeed submitting in the context of tpe?

Monday, 18 March 2013


One website i used to enjoy reading and contributing to on occassion was InformedConsent which has now closed, well its still there but its more aimed at activism, the owner of the site and many of the people that were on it have moved to Fetlife.  I was sorry to see it go, it was the UK's largest bdsm orientated site, it was small and because it was it had more of a 'community' feel to it, but mostly in a sentimental way for me personally, it was where i 'met' the bossman.....where he seduced, stalked and consequently corrupted me....just to add a flair of drama! i was happy to be corrupted!

I tried Fetlife, perhaps i didnt give it long enough but it just wasnt for me, perhaps as was pointed out by someone on there its that 'im not a team player', because i dared to give an opinion that the 'group' did not agree with...umm even though apparently "different opinions are always welcome as long as expressed respectfully"..something to that effect...well yes they were welcome as long as the group owner and their posse agreed with it.

I do admit im not one for joining 'groups' (online that is) and thats probably why Fetlife was not for me, there are so many of them its actually mind boggling..groups for slaves, masochists, property, unowned slaves, subs with big tits, skinny subs...i swear there is probably a group for everything you can come up with..and if there isnt you can make your own....maybe i should make one and call it "i hate being put into a bloody pigeonhole" but then that would rather defeat the point.

However as i didnt 'investigate' every single group going i wont tar them all with the same brush, thats unfair.

Anyway what i was going to write about seems to have morphed into something else (that happens a lot), what i remember of one of the groups was this submissive making a post that she was struggling with aspects of  her slavery and was asking for advice, she got some, but she also got ridiculed...coz clearly being a submissive/slave means that everything should always run smoothly or whats so difficult about submitting..and other 'helpful' comments, and having recently had 'issues' myself it made me think about that....i think i will leave that for another post on another day, as this is my second one today....gosh this cutting my hours at work is giving me too much time to think!

The road to hell is paved with....

Good intentions.

One of the more difficult areas for me is when im annoyed with the bossman or im struggling with aspects of my submission and/or our relationship, the only outlet i have is this blog and sometimes thats not enough.  On a positive note this is not very often, but like most relationships its not without its 'bumps in the road' occassionally.

I spoke to a close friend of mine back a couple weeks ago, she is a good friend and listened, and although she is privvy to some parts of how our relationship works its really only the basics and she sees it as kinky sex....i dont encourage her to think or see beyond that.

The problem is because she doesnt know the full extent of our relationship she cannot in all fairness understand, for her, hearing and seeing me upset because he wont let me do something for example provokes the feminist know the..what century is he living in!, he cant tell you what to do, i would not put up with that etc etc

And im caught, because i could try to explain the D/s aspect but that would open up a can of worms that im not sure she would understand...hmm no i know she wouldnt understand, and i dont want to hear him being run down either, it makes me defensive, of him, of us and our relationship.

But i cant backtrack, so i listen and the conversation flows, and there is this little voice in my head thinking "what if all she says it right".  Its not her fault, her opinions are based on her 'normality' and to be fair if i only knew what she knew and wasnt seeing the whole picture i would most likely be in agreement with her.

The reality is (although there may be exceptions) that generally the average person, vanilla, is not going to understand, its not a fault, even within the realms of ttwd im quite sure some dont understand the dynamic i have with the bossman.  There are dynamics i dont understand because i simply cant relate to them, some i can more than others but well it wouldnt do for us all to be the same and im all for getting different perspectives, thoughts etc.

During our conversation which was lengthy and indepth, she couldnt get her head around that i was being "told what i could and couldnt do" and was accepting it, off the top of my head i had said  "i just like pleasing him", that comment she later said (a few days later) disturbed her.  Thats what made me realise really once and for all that she couldnt understand, its wrong of me to expect her to understand, and i dont want to jepordise my friendship with her by trying to make her understand.

Thankfully we are good friends, although she still in her mind cant quite come to terms with the idea of me being submissive out of the bedroom ..being kinky was and is acceptable..she can 'get' that, i learnt that as much as i trust her and love her, its because i do that i wont expose her to what she cannot understand..its not fair on her or me.

Friday, 15 March 2013

Being beneath you makes me stronger

Anna May wrote an interesting post regarding her conflicts with being degraded, and i could relate to much of what she spoke of.

I think when we use terms such as being degraded, humiliated and objectified they conjur up  negative conotations, but i think its about context, one of the wanderful things about ttwd is how what many people would consider negative and damaging in a relationship in ttwd they can be interpreted differently.  They can be enjoyed.  Of course its very personal to the individual, triggers, turn-ons and offs.

Being called a slut, whore, bitch etc can be exciting for some, not for others, am i a slut?  for him yes...but i dont sleep around with others, am i a whore? no, but he can treat me like one (ooh i could make money out of this..what is the going rate for a blowjob?), its about context rather than reading into the literal sense of what the words mean.

I make no secret of my love of humiliation, degradation and being objectified, i also appreciate that its not something everyone can relate to, even within the ttwd community. 

But what makes something degrading? who decides that something is degrading?

Being spanked otk is a common practice within ttwd, its seen as very acceptable, erotic and there is little or no judgement on those that enjoy it.  I do not like being spanked otk, to me it is degrading, im not a child and i do not want to be treated as one, on the times he has spanked me otk (thankfully its on very very few occassions) i have found it distressing and mortifyingly embarrassing..just makes for a good and apt punishment especially if he deemed my behaviour childish!

Its fair to say i think that for many spanking otk (i stress the otk part because that is specifically what i dont like) it is not considered degrading, hence why i believe that degradation is how one percieves it and therefore makes it personal to the individual.

Public humiliation is a turn-off for me, to go out wearing 'slutty' clothing and looking like a common tart is something i would find degrading if he expected this of me, going out without wearing knickers im not too comfortable with!  On odd occassions when we have been in the car, he has had me pull my skirt/dress up to my waist exposing myself just for his amusement at my discomfort..i hate it and will takes me way out my comfort zone.  Its degrading in a way i cant get my head around.

Anna may posed lots of questions about her thoughts on this subject and this paragraph got my attention

"Then the lowest of lows is who would want such a woman? What kind of man could see such a woman as anything worthy? How could one respect one who allows one to treat one so disrespectfully? How could one be so disrespectful? How could one do such to another? How? Why? and again WTF"

The degradation i enjoy has been built up over the years we have been together, i havent and have no desire to do these things with anyone else (there are a few exceptions)  they are as intimate to me as sex is to many people, i would rather have sex with someone else (and i have no interest in that) than let someone else degrade me in the ways he does.

In many ways i do lack self confidence, but oddly degradation has never made me feel unworthy, or made me feel disrespected, at the time yes...thats what i want, crave, but on a whole, as a   Quite the opposite, it has the effect of stripping away the ego, the 'walls' get torn down, inhibitions are gone, nothing else matters other than him and completley exposed and vunerable to makes me feel alive, strong.

In *those* moments i dont care about perceptions of it being right or wrong, its not dirty, its not degrading, and he never has made me feel that he has no respect for me or that im unworthy, he loves me all the more because i can embrace this.....its the more 'mundane' things i need to work on!

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Do i need to know?

"Sometimes surrender means giving up trying to understand and becoming comfortable with not knowing"  Anon

Im so tempted to print that quote out, blow it up and stick it on the fridge.

I am a believer in questioning, but i do think there can be a point where one can over question and im guilty of that.  I like explanations, answers, why we are like we are, what influences us to engage in the ttwd, what makes us submissive, what makes them dominant, what goes on in their heads, why do i like being hurt, why does he like hurting me.. etc etc

I want to understand so many things about M/s, tpe, dominance, submission etc...

When really as the quote suggests maybe surrendering to giving up trying to understand is the best way to come to terms with accepting that its ok to not know, maybe in accepting all of this i can just 'be'. 

I can be exasperating with my eternal questioning, the bossman i think has a more it is what it is outlook, maybe its just a case of he has come to terms with who he is and what he likes and is comfortable with that.....and im not.....although i do believe im gradually getting there.

The bossman has said on a few occassions that i just need to let go and embrace who i am and what i enjoy, and i know he is right because when i do let my guard down i free myself of inhibitions, and im all the better for it.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Do you remember?

One persons misery is another persons pleasure.

You know what we talked about this afternoon? 

no one understands me like you do, i have no regrets, i cant promise you i will never again have struggles with my submission and the things we do, but im yours, always be. 

Do you remember a couple years back when i first asked you to punch me? im not sure who was more taken aback, and you did right in the stomach and i laughed and you did it again and i just couldnt get your clothes off fast enough, i confessed to you that i had this desire for violence, no implements just flesh on flesh, slaps, punches, kicks....damn the sex afterwards was amazing...yeah it always is but sometimes its just more so,  especially when you cater to my fantasies without judgement....i love you for that.

Do you remember when i attempted to stand my ground, refusing to get on the cross, i stood there naked, crying and begging that i couldnt take any more?  you was not pleased, but yet you were so calm standing there holding a whip, (and i was so brave stupid giving you grief) 6 more you said i had to take without being restrained, if i moved you would start again.

I got back on it and no sooner than i did i got straight off it again, looking at you pitifully for mercy, you just gestured for me to get back on, fucking hell i hung on for dear life, terrified of having to start at one again, that whole session (the other stuff you did as well) was one of the worst, remember how i sulked the rest of the evening..i wanted you to feel guilty and you didnt.  It still to this day remains one of my favourite memories.  I love your cruelty.

Do you remember one afternoon, i was in the shower,  you came in, you were in a 'im going to humiliate her' mood, you stood at the door, ordered me on my knees and pissed on me, then using your boot on my head, forced me face down in it, making me lick it up, that didnt satisfy you, you got a flogger and proceeded to flog my back...i orgasmed there and just instinctively seem to know that these things excite me even though the lady (ok slut, but only your slut) does protest too much.

Nobody could possess me like you do, i need, crave your control even when i do 'fight' it.


Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Where's the bdsm gone?

"Do you still do bdsm now?  Reading through your blog there is not a lot in recent months, years even of the S&M posts.  I would be interested in reading of how far you have come in your masocism"

I dont write about bdsm as much as i used to, i have become weary of it (writing about it that is, not engaging in it!), there are the odd snippets to be found, most in the early years of the blog, pre having a break from blogger.  In the 3 year break there was lots of huge shifts, , bdsm played and still plays a large part in our relationship as its something we both enjoy it...its intensity went up notches, and because of the level of s/m i like, combined with my love of uncomfortable with how i (and the bossman) would be percieved...especially as i have found it difficult sometimes when confronted with judgemental comments....although im past that i think..maybe depends on how im feeling/state of mind at the time.

So short answer is yes we still do engage in bdsm.

How far have i come in my masochism? thats given me pause for thought..which translates as im not sure i want to go into that or im going to otherthink it...probably both!

Monday, 11 March 2013


I have lots of cookbooks, coz although im not the greatest at cooking i do enjoy trying new things (even though im a fussy eater and some of the things i try out i  wont eat myself).


Why, no matter that i follow the recipie to the creations never looks like the pretty picture..and it just doesnt turn out right

Why, when i did a leg of lamb yesterday and i kept it in the oven for the calculated amount of time..was it not ready when it should of been and everything else was

Why, can i not make cauliflower cheese without it containing huge lumps and it goes all congealed

Why, did my chocolate pots just sink instead of rise

Why, does it always mostly turn into a disaster when we have guests

Why, can i just not have a personal chef? im sure everyone would appreciate it.

Back to Delia's how to cook book one i think!

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Responsible to my readers

I try to have the weekends off from blogging (writing a post that is), but i got all inspired when i read this recent comment.

Should what i write here take into account how it might effect those who read my words?,  do i have a responsibility to those that read my words? 

A comment left on my post if you want to read it in full for yourself, posed some questions, the commenter was anonymous, which is no surprise as the comment was shall we say very judgemental....and it didnt upset me..thats progress.

However as its question and answer month im breaking down the comment and answering it, and im going to try very hard to lay off the sarcasm!

1.  Have you actually thought about what your submitting to?

Of course, although its hard to really gain a genuine understanding until one is experiencing it, in fact i probably over think too much.

2.  Do you have any idea of what generations of women went through to gain freedom from the 'master/slave' dynamic?

I enjoy history very much, women have indeed fought very hard to be treated as equals..and so they should be, the thing is this (ie me and my Masters relationship) is based on consent, i have chosen this, as a woman i have chosen as is my right to live a lifestyle that makes me happy..i am truely free.

3.  Do you realise that some people will think ALL women want this and therefore we are, indeed asking for it?

The people that may think this clearly have problems, because any sane individual that is balanced will know to separate right from wrong, and to think that all women want this isnt the workings of a balanced mind.  Those that read me regularly have a more informed opinion, those that stumble on my blog might be a little taken aback because its a lifestyle they have no understanding of and they move on, some are even ignorant enough to voice their negative opinions when they clearly have no idea of what they are talking about..they read one post and draw the worst from it.

4.  I expect you think '50 shades' is romantic?

gosh no, i thought it was shit!

Thankyou for your questions.

Behind the scenes

I started off writing a lovely jolly post to distract from the recent ones and as i was writing i realised that i was doing what i normally do on here and behind the scenes, hiding.  So i delegated that post to the abyss which is the draft folder because what i have learnt this past week would be meaningless if i didnt acknowledge it....for me.

It just simply does not pay to 'close down' but its ok if and when it happens, what sort of dominant, man and person would he be if he threw the towel in when i struggle?  not one that would be worth having struggles with in my opinion.

I dont need to feel ashamed, to feel like im a failure when i stumble, i know he will pick me up and put me back on my feet again, the ways in which he might 'pick me up' might not seem appropriate, caring or considerate to the 'outside looking in' but i trust that he knows whats best for me..and thats something i lost sight of, it took a nudge (thankyou) to get that back into my sight again.

Its ok to not agree with him on every decision, choice he may make, he doesnt expect me to all the time, and on the times i dont mostly it doesnt turn into anything, might have a little grumble but he stamps any potential sign of it getting out of hand straightaway....sometimes the grumbles slip past him and they escalate.

I learnt a lot more, about myself, revelations that its ok to reach out for help and in doing so doesnt make me weak, and more but thats staying behind the scenes.

Today was a better day than yesterday.

Friday, 8 March 2013

International womens day

The right to live without fear.

International womens day is today and i wanted to mark it in some way.

Fear can sometimes be healthy, i admit to being afraid of him in certain circumstances, most notably when we engage in s/m...its a fear that turns me on..but i know im safe.  But this is not the type of fear i mean.

This is an example of fear, that no woman, girl should have.

An 11-year-old girl has written a heartbreaking letter pleading with a charity to help her avoid genital mutilation.

She writes her 12-year-old sister had been cut by her aunt without her parent's knowledge - and she fears she will suffer the same fate.

She adds: "I really hope you can help me, not to have my private cut."

The unidentified girl, who moved to England in 2005 from Gambia, is just one of 24,000 who are at risk of female genital mutilation (FGM) all over the UK.

Her sister had been taken to her grandmother's house in Gambia, west Africa for the procedure. She had been afraid to report the crime because she was told "if she ever tells anyone the sprits will come and kill her immediately" (sic).

In the letter to charity Equality Now, the young girl writes how her sister had burst into tears while watching a TV program on African culture. She then told her teacher about it who - mistakenly - told the young girl to write to the charity instead of alerting the police.

Girls from the ages of four to 14 are subjected to FGM in the belief that it makes them more marriageable. The practice is common in some African countries and among the African diaspora in the UK and varies in extremes - from the removal of the labia to the excision of all of the external part of the genitalia and the stitching of the vaginal opening. The procedure is normally carried out by women with little or no medical training who uses the most basic of tools with no anesthesia.

The act is commonly mislabeled as a cultural practice but is called child abuse by anti-FGM campaigners and has been illegal in Britain since 1985.

Efua Dorkenoo, director of Equality Now, told the 'Evening Standard' teachers and other child workers need to be aware of the practice and alert the police.

She said: “As with other forms of child abuse, teachers need to be alert to, and report, all evidence of emotional or physical pain, missed classes from school, or any of the other common indicators of FGM. If they and other frontline professionals do this, we will get prosecutions and come closer to ending this horrific abuse.”
David Cameron is to allocate millions of pounds of Britain's foreign aid to eradicate FGM - making it the largest investment to wipe out the practice which affects 150million women worldwide. There are more than 100,000 FGM survivors living in the UK.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

A long, really long one

then i will catch up on comments.

I begged him to let me be his slave, i really wanted to give tpe a go, i believed i was ready and he did question me in depth to be be sure that this is what i wanted, he stressed that if i made this choice then there needed to be an understanding that on making this decision i was giving him total control, to make choices, decisions on my behalf.  I was giving up the right to say no to him, to hold back from him...he would have my total submission, i would be his completley.

He had his concerns, doubts that i really didnt understand what i was asking from him, but i persisted, being honest i think i wanted it so much because i believed if i didnt beg for it then i would lose him, i didnt see the bigger picture, the extent to which he would exert his control over me.

The kinky aspects, the great sex, the living out of fantasies, the s/m, even the things i love to hate are all wanderful and exciting, but they are so very much the easier aspects of M/s, and i only started realising that much later, after he agreed to my enslavement and our pursuing of tpe.

A few years ago (during the period i stopped blogging) we ran into problems, or rather i did which had a knock on effect on our relationship, it started when the enormity of tpe finally sunk in, when i didnt want to submit, it wasnt something i was interested in and i wasnt going to submit because i really believed he wouldnt make me..coz that would be abuse right? and this is all based on consent being given freely.

I thought i was well within my rights to refuse him, i argued that my feelings should be taken into account, i spouted crap about not being a bloody robot, i threw up things at him, and it was just one huge out of control temper tantrum.

What i wanted was to be submissive and to submit to whatever he asked as long as it excited me on some level, when it didnt i expected a 'free pass' and i thought i could manipulate him because well its said its the submissives that have the real power and i can always walk away.

And that is bollocks.  He has all the power and i couldnt just walk away, and lets just assume for the sake of avoiding argument that this is a healthy M/s dynamic just to avoid stupid scenarios being put forward.

My argument was/is that its all very well talking the talk and listening but sometimes its only when your actually experiencing something that i genuinely learn and realise what his expectations would be and giving all, everything that i am is more than i thought! its when the more difficult times occur that the theory of what has been talked about is put into practice, and thats when it can potentially make or break the relationship.

I would get frustrated with him, pissed off that he wasnt able to see my point of view ie the argument i gave above, i insisted that it was unreasonable to expect certain things of me that i was not fully aware of, i just hadnt imagined every single scenario.  I suppose to explain its like when your very new to ttwd and you dont really know what some of your limits might be, or indeed what you know you like and dont because you have no experience to draw from.

Back when we ran into this hurdle, i said some horrid things to him, things similar to that what has been said to me on here by anonymous comments...the not nice ones. 

He reminded me that i made this choice (similiar to that post he made, for those that read it) and that enraged me further because it was like going around in circles, the whole conversation was not going in the way i expected, i expected him to give into me and he didnt. 

I accused him of forcing me at times in a horrible way and i implied it in the sense of it being an abusive type of force (not the kind of force that is in a playful context), and he asked me to really think on that, has he ever forced me to submit in any way that i have truely, really detested and not wanted?  and the answer is no, he has not....and he was so calm throughout.

Pushed me yes and there is a difference. 

He is demanding and exact in what he wants and expects, thats just the way he is with me and well everything, he is blunt with his truths, firm and unyielding and completley unaffected by temper tantrums...and black and white with my submission...i either want to obey or i dont, a dont has consequences the worst being his releasing me, he does not expect perfection but he does expect willingness.

In his favour its not like this is all new to him, he has been doing this a long time and i hadnt, (oh and he got that thrown up at him as well when i attempted the "im new to this and your not being easy with me and taking that into consideration" rubbish) ....when i go off on one i tend to do it big time!  and he knows how to handle it, to handle me.

When the realisation started sinking in that i had no 'get out', he wouldnt allow me one, it was like a huge release and it started getting easier, we moved past that gradually.

and i thought it was past, well moved on from that, until recentley these old thoughts started creeping back in, and my first mistake was to keep them to myself and not bring them to his attention and consequently they got out of control.

and thats where i am now.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013


Im struggling at the moment to remain focused, im slipping back into old habits that i thought i had long since moved on from....and i let it get on top of me rather than address it.

and well im English you know..that old stiff upper lip mentality....too proud to admit that i need help or rather simply just to admit that im finding things hard....because to admit so would be weak, and im acting out.

My tone has not been respectful, demanding what i think im entitled to.

and i dont listen very well...or rather i listen but i dont really listen.

and he only has so much patience when i get attitude.

I should not read more into what he says, he warned me he was and would be extremely busy and distracted and it had no bearing on us..i should trust what he says and believe in it.

and im sorry.

Monday, 4 March 2013

It came, i went and i did not conquer

I didnt do the 'talk' for work.  I was throwing up with nerves this morning, a fellow teacher took sympathy on me when i turned up and she saw the state i was in and she did it for me...i feel a complete incompetent lousy failure.

Im not enjoying my job very much at all at the moment, its becoming more focused on reaching targets set by the government, mountains of pointless paperwork and children are treated as statistics, rather than being seen as the individuals they are.

Do i meet your expectations bossman? (a follow up)

The last post gave a blast into my past and well as its question and answer month which i did not know until reading lil's post, it seems apt to reflect on what was then to now as it was asked (see squirrel and joey, i can do as im told lol).

Im certainly more confident in my submission now, although i certainly dont think im naturally submissive, i am to him and thats whats important, its been an upward struggle and i havent always gone about things the easy way....and i still find it amazing that he has stood by me and perservered when i have resisted against him.

He isnt an easy man still to get close to, i know he loves me but its rarely expressed verbally, this is the longest relationship he has had so i can assume im doing something right lol, i make him happy and thats good enough....i more than make up for his lack of ability in displaying emotions apparently!

I dont think of his ex's in the respect of comparing myself to them, thats his past and this here and now is our future and things are great, i still want to pinch myself sometimes that im living this and i consider myself very lucky that i have him....even if sometimes he wanders what he let himself in for with me!

There are still times, more often than i like to admit that i dont think im giving him all that he wants/needs, but im more at ease with my masochism albeit its no match for his sadism the difference is now i seek it out and crave his cruelty whereas before it frightened me.  He can be very emotionally detached when we have played hard which is something i still struggle with, he is quick to deal with physical aftercare (tending cuts etc) but well yeah i dont want to make him out to be a complete bastard but at times he has scared me with his coldness afterwards...tears and begging dont move him not in the sense of when its s/m based if anything they inspire and turn him on more.

I do always get cuddles and reassurance at bedtime.

I still get terribly insecure especially when he is really super busy which seems to be a lot, his work is very important to him and i respect that but it does get difficult for me to not work myself up and get demanding when its at these times he could really do without it. 

I dont question his being faithful to me.....i think he rather likes being attached to his balls to much to go behind my back...besides if he wants a bit of variety he knows it would turn me on to watch him with another woman.

Sunday, 3 March 2013

An oldie for a Sunday afternoon

As i have a lot of posts in my drafts (100's) and im struggling with writers block i thought i might as well get some out of drafts folder and publish.  I have some in drafts i wrote in the 3 year break i had from blogger.   This one is from 2009 and just before i had took a break from blogger. 


My number of sexual partners is very small whereas with Master i dont know, he wont say and it irks me that he wont give me a figure, im guessing its a lot, he says he genuinely hasnt kept count its simply not important.  His ex subs were more experienced than me, older than me and im not what he normally would look for, im not even sure im submissive enough for him, or that i can be....i just dont feel that im as submissive as some subs are, he says i shouldnt compare.

What i do know of his ex subs is not a great deal, he cared for them and thats evident in that some of them still occasionally keep in touch with him, he isnt a man that is easy to get close to not on an emotional level and sometimes thats difficult to deal with....quite reserved in fact, stoic and im bubbly...i think it gets too much for him...he is so damn stern.

From little bits i have picked up on over the last year or so i know some of them catered to his sadistic needs better than i do, he says im masochistic but im not sure certainly not enough to meet what he would like to dish out...sure he could if he wanted but it would be going way beyond what im able to handle, sometimes i feel that i sense his frustration that he has had to hold back.....and it saddens me that im not able to give him what he needs.

I should be able to give him whatever he wants, i want to please him.

No s/m isnt everything, he tells me my obedience and desire to please him is of more importance, they pretty much are the most important 'rules' in our relationship, im just feeling unsettled probably because he is just so busy and distracted its messing with my head, im creating problems that dont exist because im feeling insecure.

He has been so busy with work, been away working as well and whilst he was i came close to sending him a text asking him if he was fucking someone else! what stopped me was i know he would have been really disappointed in me for thinking it let alone asking it...because i know he isnt and wouldnt.

He wont approve of this post.


im not sure how i feel about what i wrote here, somethings have changed and some havent.

Friday, 1 March 2013

The pleasure of denial

Fiona wrote a post on orgasm denial and it was interesting in reading the responses and for many less orgasms equates to wanting less and im deducing feeling like sex less?, i think im in the minority in that orgasm denial plays a part in our dynamic.

For me its about the control, he owns me and therefore my body, he decides when and if i get pleasure in the form of sexual release,  orgasm control isnt just about being deprived full stop, it can mean being teased for a time, being brought to the edge continuously and denied, it makes me wild, i buck and scream, beg for release, the intensity of it leaves me exhausted, sweaty and so desperate and at his mercy.....ahh but when release is given its damn well better than the usual orgasms.

Sometimes i do get denied for longer periods of times, the longest i have been denied is approx. 2 months it was punishment for bringing myself to orgasm without permission (he does like making a punishment fit the crime!) and it was horrid.  But it was horrid because it was a punishment, it was a harsh way of putting me in my place, a reminder that my body is not mine to do as i like.

There have been other times its been long periods (weeks) simply because its pleased him to keep me wanting, and thats the effect it has on me rather than making me lose interest it feeds my desire, and mentally i get off on the control.  That is my biggest turn on..being controlled.

However its not always like that, its just when the mood strikes him, more often than not he enjoys having me orgasm, sometimes it goes completely the other way and im over stimulated and being brought to orgasm over and over again can sound really great...but it can also be painful and im begging for no more.

Most importantly for me in respect of orgasm control, whatever form it might take is that it excites me, that my pleasure is controlled by him and thats a huge aphrodisiac.