The last post gave a blast into my past and well as its question and answer month which i did not know until reading lil's post, it seems apt to reflect on what was then to now as it was asked (see squirrel and joey, i can do as im told lol).
Im certainly more confident in my submission now, although i certainly dont think im naturally submissive, i am to him and thats whats important, its been an upward struggle and i havent always gone about things the easy way....and i still find it amazing that he has stood by me and perservered when i have resisted against him.
He isnt an easy man still to get close to, i know he loves me but its rarely expressed verbally, this is the longest relationship he has had so i can assume im doing something right lol, i make him happy and thats good enough....i more than make up for his lack of ability in displaying emotions apparently!
I dont think of his ex's in the respect of comparing myself to them, thats his past and this here and now is our future and things are great, i still want to pinch myself sometimes that im living this and i consider myself very lucky that i have him....even if sometimes he wanders what he let himself in for with me!
There are still times, more often than i like to admit that i dont think im giving him all that he wants/needs, but im more at ease with my masochism albeit its no match for his sadism the difference is now i seek it out and crave his cruelty whereas before it frightened me. He can be very emotionally detached when we have played hard which is something i still struggle with, he is quick to deal with physical aftercare (tending cuts etc) but well yeah i dont want to make him out to be a complete bastard but at times he has scared me with his coldness afterwards...tears and begging dont move him not in the sense of when its s/m based if anything they inspire and turn him on more.
I do always get cuddles and reassurance at bedtime.
I still get terribly insecure especially when he is really super busy which seems to be a lot, his work is very important to him and i respect that but it does get difficult for me to not work myself up and get demanding when its at these times he could really do without it.
I dont question his being faithful to me.....i think he rather likes being attached to his balls to much to go behind my back...besides if he wants a bit of variety he knows it would turn me on to watch him with another woman.