Why is it that some of his traits irritate the life out of me, yet its these very same traits that make me feel safe, content and controlled?
But mostly why does it take me so long to activate that light switch in my head and to actually realise and understand what he has been saying for years?
I dont feel any unease with saying that i put his pleasure before mine, and i do, because i have realised that is what gives me enjoyment and satisfaction, i need/want/desire to please him, im not concerned with whether he allows me to orgasm or not, its simply his choice, if it pleases him that i dont then that is all i need to focus on.
Of course i like having orgasms but i like pleasing him more and that should apply to every instruction, rule he decides.
And because i know he wouldnt intentionally damage or place unrealistic expectations on me, when he does want or expresses a need to push me out of my comfort zone in any context, that is what i need to focus on...pleasing him.
We have been together a long time now, im comfortable with how we are, sometimes i have wandered if i have lost myself along the way in this dynamic...then i 'look' at us even through the rough times and i realise i was lost a long time ago...until he found me, and he didnt think me 'wierd' or too 'high maintenence' because of the extent to which i enjoy being controlled, he encouraged and embraced it.
Thinking of 'high maintenence' when i was looking before i met the bossman, i was told that was what i was by a dominant, i found it upsetting? confusing? but really it simply means that i required more than that dominant could give, i see that now.
So yeah i do put his needs/desires/wants first and before my own discomforts because he has given me so much more, acceptance and understanding of who i am, he has shown me freedom.
So yes perhaps i am high mainenence, not because i need a lot of controlling because of 'flaws' or being too much hard work, i need it because i thrive on it.