As i have a lot of posts in my drafts (100's) and im struggling with writers block i thought i might as well get some out of drafts folder and publish. I have some in drafts i wrote in the 3 year break i had from blogger. This one is from 2009 and just before i had took a break from blogger.
________________________________________________________________________________
My number of sexual partners is very small whereas with Master i dont know, he wont say and it irks me that he wont give me a figure, im guessing its a lot, he says he genuinely hasnt kept count its simply not important. His ex subs were more experienced than me, older than me and im not what he normally would look for, im not even sure im submissive enough for him, or that i can be....i just dont feel that im as submissive as some subs are, he says i shouldnt compare.
What i do know of his ex subs is not a great deal, he cared for them and thats evident in that some of them still occasionally keep in touch with him, he isnt a man that is easy to get close to not on an emotional level and sometimes thats difficult to deal with....quite reserved in fact, stoic and im bubbly...i think it gets too much for him...he is so damn stern.
From little bits i have picked up on over the last year or so i know some of them catered to his sadistic needs better than i do, he says im masochistic but im not sure certainly not enough to meet what he would like to dish out...sure he could if he wanted but it would be going way beyond what im able to handle, sometimes i feel that i sense his frustration that he has had to hold back.....and it saddens me that im not able to give him what he needs.
I should be able to give him whatever he wants, i want to please him.
No s/m isnt everything, he tells me my obedience and desire to please him is of more importance, they pretty much are the most important 'rules' in our relationship, im just feeling unsettled probably because he is just so busy and distracted its messing with my head, im creating problems that dont exist because im feeling insecure.
He has been so busy with work, been away working as well and whilst he was i came close to sending him a text asking him if he was fucking someone else! what stopped me was i know he would have been really disappointed in me for thinking it let alone asking it...because i know he isnt and wouldnt.
He wont approve of this post.
*now*
im not sure how i feel about what i wrote here, somethings have changed and some havent.
It is definitely cool to read something written so long ago. It does not seem you give yourself credit now as your confidence is so much more apparent in your current postings and it very clear that you two are a perfect match.
ReplyDeletehi dancing...
DeleteI was going to mass publish just to get them out there but then i realised it would fill up the people who follow me blogrolls and i know that it would irritate me lol
We have had our ups and downs but yep things are great
x
Big difference between then and now. It's obvious that you're more confident in yourself and your relationship today.
ReplyDeletehi Mrs D
DeleteYep i do think that confidence comes with maturity and experience..i was so insecure and by myself..still have moments but much better than i was lol
x
Completely agree, you most definitely more self assured even if you think some things are the same.
ReplyDeletethanks Joolz
DeleteI think as i said to Mrs D its grown with maturity and experience and just simply having a more established relationship.
x
I'd love to read a follow-up post about which things are different and which are the same .... (hint, hint). :-)
ReplyDeleteYour wish is my command lol....nice to hear from you, hope your both doing ok
Deletexx
Thank you for sharing tori. I agree with squirrel.
ReplyDeletethanks joey and yep i did a follow up lol
Deletex
its always good to look back to see how things have changed, how you have improved...and obviously your confidence is growing...though I do understand what you said in this post....when our HOH is busy and distracted we feel insecure and unravelled - well at least i do - and certainly at the moment with him working night shift...i tend to act out a little to get a tiny bit of attention...sad but true.
ReplyDeletehi kiwi
DeleteIt is difficult when they are busy and i most definitley can relate to what you said about acting out, and i struggle to break that cycle because its when he least needs it.
x