As i have a lot of posts in my drafts (100's) and im struggling with writers block i thought i might as well get some out of drafts folder and publish. I have some in drafts i wrote in the 3 year break i had from blogger. This one is from 2009 and just before i had took a break from blogger.
My number of sexual partners is very small whereas with Master i dont know, he wont say and it irks me that he wont give me a figure, im guessing its a lot, he says he genuinely hasnt kept count its simply not important. His ex subs were more experienced than me, older than me and im not what he normally would look for, im not even sure im submissive enough for him, or that i can be....i just dont feel that im as submissive as some subs are, he says i shouldnt compare.
What i do know of his ex subs is not a great deal, he cared for them and thats evident in that some of them still occasionally keep in touch with him, he isnt a man that is easy to get close to not on an emotional level and sometimes thats difficult to deal with....quite reserved in fact, stoic and im bubbly...i think it gets too much for him...he is so damn stern.
From little bits i have picked up on over the last year or so i know some of them catered to his sadistic needs better than i do, he says im masochistic but im not sure certainly not enough to meet what he would like to dish out...sure he could if he wanted but it would be going way beyond what im able to handle, sometimes i feel that i sense his frustration that he has had to hold back.....and it saddens me that im not able to give him what he needs.
I should be able to give him whatever he wants, i want to please him.
No s/m isnt everything, he tells me my obedience and desire to please him is of more importance, they pretty much are the most important 'rules' in our relationship, im just feeling unsettled probably because he is just so busy and distracted its messing with my head, im creating problems that dont exist because im feeling insecure.
He has been so busy with work, been away working as well and whilst he was i came close to sending him a text asking him if he was fucking someone else! what stopped me was i know he would have been really disappointed in me for thinking it let alone asking it...because i know he isnt and wouldnt.
He wont approve of this post.
im not sure how i feel about what i wrote here, somethings have changed and some havent.