I want to for my own mind and to clarify some points that were brought up in my last post.
Its not so much that im mortified with the fantasy becoming reality, its my reaction to it that has shocked me, because i have just not had these feelings of jealousy before, they are new to me. The actual fantasy of watching him with another woman still turns me on, i think it would be a very hot scenario.
When you start exploring fantasies, or as with any venture into the unknown then it needs to be talked about and discussed especially when it brings up forms of resistance, for me on this occassion it has brought up a lot of insecurities.
But i have been here before, a few times, i was adamant when we first got together and for a long while afterwards that there was no way on this earth i was getting sexual with a woman, it caused a lot of turmoil and distressed feelings, many indepth conversations into getting down to the root of the problem.
He wouldnt force a situation onto me if he had any doubts about it, of course he is human and doesnt always get it right, and in 7 years there has only been one occassion where it just was a disaster..and we both learnt from it.
Fear often is what holds me back, holds most people back i would imagine, and the only way to get past this is to really start examining (through communicating) where this fear stems from.
In this case ie with him being with another woman, my fears are irrational but nevertheless they are there,
I fear 'what if he prefers her to me', what if she is better than me', what if im just left wanting to tear her hair from her head'
These are very real feelings, but irrational, they are formed from a lack of confidence, jealousy (which im really struggling with) and the conflict that i know i trust him so why this conflict!
If its something he really wants then it will happen, but not before im in a better state of mind about it all, i have been with women a few times now and im no worse for it, no its not something im naturally drawn to but the excitement was in 'doing something i didnt want to do', it was about the control, which is a whole blog post in its own right!