A long, really long one

then i will catch up on comments.

I begged him to let me be his slave, i really wanted to give tpe a go, i believed i was ready and he did question me in depth to be be sure that this is what i wanted, he stressed that if i made this choice then there needed to be an understanding that on making this decision i was giving him total control, to make choices, decisions on my behalf.  I was giving up the right to say no to him, to hold back from him...he would have my total submission, i would be his completley.

He had his concerns, doubts that i really didnt understand what i was asking from him, but i persisted, being honest i think i wanted it so much because i believed if i didnt beg for it then i would lose him, i didnt see the bigger picture, the extent to which he would exert his control over me.

The kinky aspects, the great sex, the living out of fantasies, the s/m, even the things i love to hate are all wanderful and exciting, but they are so very much the easier aspects of M/s, and i only started realising that much later, after he agreed to my enslavement and our pursuing of tpe.

A few years ago (during the period i stopped blogging) we ran into problems, or rather i did which had a knock on effect on our relationship, it started when the enormity of tpe finally sunk in, when i didnt want to submit, it wasnt something i was interested in and i wasnt going to submit because i really believed he wouldnt make me..coz that would be abuse right? and this is all based on consent being given freely.

I thought i was well within my rights to refuse him, i argued that my feelings should be taken into account, i spouted crap about not being a bloody robot, i threw up things at him, and it was just one huge out of control temper tantrum.

What i wanted was to be submissive and to submit to whatever he asked as long as it excited me on some level, when it didnt i expected a 'free pass' and i thought i could manipulate him because well its said its the submissives that have the real power and i can always walk away.

And that is bollocks.  He has all the power and i couldnt just walk away, and lets just assume for the sake of avoiding argument that this is a healthy M/s dynamic just to avoid stupid scenarios being put forward.

My argument was/is that its all very well talking the talk and listening but sometimes its only when your actually experiencing something that i genuinely learn and realise what his expectations would be and giving all, everything that i am is more than i thought! its when the more difficult times occur that the theory of what has been talked about is put into practice, and thats when it can potentially make or break the relationship.

I would get frustrated with him, pissed off that he wasnt able to see my point of view ie the argument i gave above, i insisted that it was unreasonable to expect certain things of me that i was not fully aware of, i just hadnt imagined every single scenario.  I suppose to explain its like when your very new to ttwd and you dont really know what some of your limits might be, or indeed what you know you like and dont because you have no experience to draw from.

Back when we ran into this hurdle, i said some horrid things to him, things similar to that what has been said to me on here by anonymous comments...the not nice ones. 

He reminded me that i made this choice (similiar to that post he made, for those that read it) and that enraged me further because it was like going around in circles, the whole conversation was not going in the way i expected, i expected him to give into me and he didnt. 

I accused him of forcing me at times in a horrible way and i implied it in the sense of it being an abusive type of force (not the kind of force that is in a playful context), and he asked me to really think on that, has he ever forced me to submit in any way that i have truely, really detested and not wanted?  and the answer is no, he has not....and he was so calm throughout.

Pushed me yes and there is a difference. 

He is demanding and exact in what he wants and expects, thats just the way he is with me and well everything, he is blunt with his truths, firm and unyielding and completley unaffected by temper tantrums...and black and white with my submission...i either want to obey or i dont, a dont has consequences the worst being his releasing me, he does not expect perfection but he does expect willingness.

In his favour its not like this is all new to him, he has been doing this a long time and i hadnt, (oh and he got that thrown up at him as well when i attempted the "im new to this and your not being easy with me and taking that into consideration" rubbish) ....when i go off on one i tend to do it big time!  and he knows how to handle it, to handle me.

When the realisation started sinking in that i had no 'get out', he wouldnt allow me one, it was like a huge release and it started getting easier, we moved past that gradually.

and i thought it was past, well moved on from that, until recentley these old thoughts started creeping back in, and my first mistake was to keep them to myself and not bring them to his attention and consequently they got out of control.

and thats where i am now.