Wednesday 6 March 2013

A long, really long one

then i will catch up on comments.

I begged him to let me be his slave, i really wanted to give tpe a go, i believed i was ready and he did question me in depth to be be sure that this is what i wanted, he stressed that if i made this choice then there needed to be an understanding that on making this decision i was giving him total control, to make choices, decisions on my behalf.  I was giving up the right to say no to him, to hold back from him...he would have my total submission, i would be his completley.

He had his concerns, doubts that i really didnt understand what i was asking from him, but i persisted, being honest i think i wanted it so much because i believed if i didnt beg for it then i would lose him, i didnt see the bigger picture, the extent to which he would exert his control over me.

The kinky aspects, the great sex, the living out of fantasies, the s/m, even the things i love to hate are all wanderful and exciting, but they are so very much the easier aspects of M/s, and i only started realising that much later, after he agreed to my enslavement and our pursuing of tpe.

A few years ago (during the period i stopped blogging) we ran into problems, or rather i did which had a knock on effect on our relationship, it started when the enormity of tpe finally sunk in, when i didnt want to submit, it wasnt something i was interested in and i wasnt going to submit because i really believed he wouldnt make me..coz that would be abuse right? and this is all based on consent being given freely.

I thought i was well within my rights to refuse him, i argued that my feelings should be taken into account, i spouted crap about not being a bloody robot, i threw up things at him, and it was just one huge out of control temper tantrum.

What i wanted was to be submissive and to submit to whatever he asked as long as it excited me on some level, when it didnt i expected a 'free pass' and i thought i could manipulate him because well its said its the submissives that have the real power and i can always walk away.

And that is bollocks.  He has all the power and i couldnt just walk away, and lets just assume for the sake of avoiding argument that this is a healthy M/s dynamic just to avoid stupid scenarios being put forward.

My argument was/is that its all very well talking the talk and listening but sometimes its only when your actually experiencing something that i genuinely learn and realise what his expectations would be and giving all, everything that i am is more than i thought! its when the more difficult times occur that the theory of what has been talked about is put into practice, and thats when it can potentially make or break the relationship.

I would get frustrated with him, pissed off that he wasnt able to see my point of view ie the argument i gave above, i insisted that it was unreasonable to expect certain things of me that i was not fully aware of, i just hadnt imagined every single scenario.  I suppose to explain its like when your very new to ttwd and you dont really know what some of your limits might be, or indeed what you know you like and dont because you have no experience to draw from.

Back when we ran into this hurdle, i said some horrid things to him, things similar to that what has been said to me on here by anonymous comments...the not nice ones. 

He reminded me that i made this choice (similiar to that post he made, for those that read it) and that enraged me further because it was like going around in circles, the whole conversation was not going in the way i expected, i expected him to give into me and he didnt. 

I accused him of forcing me at times in a horrible way and i implied it in the sense of it being an abusive type of force (not the kind of force that is in a playful context), and he asked me to really think on that, has he ever forced me to submit in any way that i have truely, really detested and not wanted?  and the answer is no, he has not....and he was so calm throughout.

Pushed me yes and there is a difference. 

He is demanding and exact in what he wants and expects, thats just the way he is with me and well everything, he is blunt with his truths, firm and unyielding and completley unaffected by temper tantrums...and black and white with my submission...i either want to obey or i dont, a dont has consequences the worst being his releasing me, he does not expect perfection but he does expect willingness.

In his favour its not like this is all new to him, he has been doing this a long time and i hadnt, (oh and he got that thrown up at him as well when i attempted the "im new to this and your not being easy with me and taking that into consideration" rubbish) ....when i go off on one i tend to do it big time!  and he knows how to handle it, to handle me.

When the realisation started sinking in that i had no 'get out', he wouldnt allow me one, it was like a huge release and it started getting easier, we moved past that gradually.

and i thought it was past, well moved on from that, until recentley these old thoughts started creeping back in, and my first mistake was to keep them to myself and not bring them to his attention and consequently they got out of control.

and thats where i am now.















































24 comments:

  1. Thank you tori for your detailed explanation.

    And, thank you for being so open and honest with us.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. hi joey

      Its easier to talk about the good times and mostly its great but sometimes its just as important to acknowledge the struggles.

      x

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  2. Tori, I'm sorry your in a vally. Talk to him. Open up. We all go through cycles. I keep thinking they'll go away...but no. They seem to just change in duration and intensity. We're here to support you. Good luck!!

    Hugs,
    Fiona

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    1. thanks Fiona

      You are quite right..they never do go away no matter how much we want them to...things are better today than they were yesterday, so its progres.

      thanks

      x

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  3. Tori,

    Thank you so much for posting this. Putting this out there so candidly is not easy and I want you to know that it is greatly appreciated and very helpful.

    I hope ya'll are able to work things out.

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    Replies
    1. thankyou yearning

      Im not really one for airing my thoughts when there not positive, when they are really personal and its acknowledging struggles but i think sometimes people need to see the down sides as well as the ups.

      And if it just helps one person in any way, to know there not alone then its worth it.

      x

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  4. ALthough I never have been where you have been, I somehow think it is so natural to have those uprises. I don't how and if you will pull through this one. But I guess you need them to ba;nace yourself.

    Love
    ara

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    1. thanks ara

      We will pull through of that i have no doubt, but yes it is i agree natural to have moments of uprises..i like that way of putting it!

      x

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  5. Sending hugs....

    Been through this a couple times...

    More hugs,
    mouse

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  6. I am sorry you are going through this turmoil but hope talking to Him and writing here helps xx

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    1. thanks Joolz

      Its helping, more than i realised.

      x

      Delete
  7. This is a very wonderful and detailed explanation of the push back so many go through. Hugs.

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    1. thanks ancilla

      Sometimes a good blow-out is needed.

      x

      Delete
  8. Ah tori,
    I think that the theory of giving all that we are is so much simpler because it's just that--a theory. And there's simply not enough room in a theory to hold all that it is to be human.

    And perhaps it feels like you haves slid backwards, but you won't ever really be back where you were, because you have made it all the way here.

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    Replies
    1. lil, that indeed is an issue...we have theories and to all extents and purposes we believe in those theories..and then reality hits with a huge kick up the ass.

      thanks

      x

      Delete
  9. Hi Tori,

    Just catching up, you know one has been here before. Thank you for sharing this. It does help others to know others go through this especially when they are feeling maybe they are just not cut out for this lifestyle.

    All that being said, sorry you are going through one of these times but you are strong and as they say this too shall pass.

    Hugs
    db

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    Replies
    1. thanks dancing

      Things are bettr than what they was, i am better, i didnt want to share initially but its pointless to hide it either when its important.

      x

      Delete
  10. as you said above its important to acknowldge the bad times..thank you for sharing this tori. Does bossman read your bog? He should read this or you should tell him so that he can help you back to the good times...my sir can be a little like your bossman....in that there is no stop for me either, im not allowed to withdraw my consent...but i dont think our relationship is as strict as your is.I hpe you find your better place soon...keep blogging, keep sharing, a problem shared is a problem halved...
    hugs kiwi x

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    1. thanks kiwi

      He does read my blog sporadically, but eventually he does get around to each post, sooner if he picks up on something or i bring up something i have been reading on here, a comment etc.

      He is strict and mostly i need that....im not good at admitting problems kiwi but i think this is the kick up the ass i needed to realise that its ok to talk about it.

      x

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  11. hi tori....oh all that you have described tantrums, frustration etc have been going through those myself recently...smiles...Master told me about your post as he knew i could relate to it...sorry that you are going through this turmoil at the moment...but you will get there tori...smiles

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    1. hi ya blossom

      The worst is over now, and its refreshing and helpful to know that it happens others, the worst i think is being unprepared for it....everything is tickety boo and then wham!!

      x

      Delete
  12. Master told me?
    Have you actually thought about what you are submitting to?
    Do you have any idea of what generations of women went through to gain freedom from the 'master/slave' dynamic?
    Do you realise that some people will think ALL women want this and therefore we are, indeed, asking for it?
    I see women in my surgery who have been disfigured for life emotionally and physically because people read blogs like this and think it's typical of women? It's actually one of my patients who directed me to this blog. I expect you think '50 shades' is romantic? All of this is, in my view, just awful.
    'Master told me about your post'-that sentence made me want to cry. I've remained anonymous for obvious reasons-A patient led me here and I'm not risking any confidentiality. It's your lives, but what an awful way to voluntarily mess your head up for ever. And don't forget scar tissue by the way-you're storing up health problems for yourself in so many ways.
    I respect everybody's right to live how they deem fit but how sad to have so little respect for themselves as to allow someone else to rule you.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I have wrote a post inspired by this comment...you should consider yourself honoured.

      You say you respect everybodys right to live how they deem fit...but then you make judgements on how i and others like me live?

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