Thursday, 24 July 2014

Let the river run

I am not like a rock that erodes.
I am not like a tree that bends and breaks in a storm.
I am like a river, I flow, I change, I seek knowledge, I evolve.

I turn 40 next year, and how different i feel about this than i did ten years ago approaching 30, how my life has completely changed, im totally ok about turning 40, i cried my eyes out when i turned 30...yeah i know how sad!

Ten years ago, my marriage had just disintegrated, broken down, ended, i had piled on a lot of weight from comfort eating, junk food and chocolate, lots of it, i drank a lot, i wasnt living, i was just getting by, going through the motions.

I met a dominant (not Master) decided to take the plunge, it didnt last long, but it was enough to know that this was something i wanted, needed, just after turning 30 i met Master.

In my 20's i had my life sorted, married young, married for the wrong reasons(security for my son), i knew that then, but nevertheless i was so certain that it was the right choice, and it was going to work, i would make it work.

My career was my priority, apart from my children, but even then sometimes my  time with them was sacrificed and work was put first (im not proud of that) i was so sure of everything, life was good for the most part, no financial worries, mainly due to a large trust fund from my grandfather, undercurrents of feeling unsettled were there, pangs of unhappiness but i managed them as well as i could.

Until they become unmanageable.

My 30's, being with Master, is such a different contrast to my 20's, as im sure with most people, we do change, we grow, think differently, lifes experiences change us, hopefully for the better.  I have changed, im not the woman i was 10 years ago, i dont want to say better, but different.

But even now, i can look back to the start of my 30's with Master and where back then i was so sure of M/s, what it would be like, confident that what i thought was right about so many things, what a slave was etc......and now approaching my 40's much of all what i thought has changed, my opinions have altered, perspectives are just different, im much more confident in my enslavement than i was back then.

Still getting it wrong at times, still sometimes feel like im stumbling along, but thats ok, im content to be like the river.

Monday, 21 July 2014

Sticks and stones.....

I have not been absent through my own choice.

I dont have many rules, its pretty much covered by the being pleasing and obedient expectation, but yes there are specific rules that have been in place from day one and have not changed, i broke one of those rules.

Usually at this point i would come up with a reason, excuse, but there isnt one, i made the choice to disobey him, needless to say he was disappointed with me, you know that saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me'? what a load of bollocks, words can hurt, most especially when they are from someone you love and respect, add to that being submissive with that need to please, to have their approval, oh, words they can hurt.

Master is not an easy man to get close to, especially in the respect of being close in a relationship, stoic would be an apt description, he isnt an easy dominant to submit to, he very much is of the mind that its his way or no way in the respect of our dynamic, and very black and white in his expectations of me, its simply a case of you chose/wanted to be my slave, submit and obey.

He is strict, harsh even, demanding, and pushes me to be/do better than what i think is my best, a "good girl" is rarely uttered, used sparingly, after all why in his mind should he praise me for doing/being what is expected of me, im his slave, it is after all my 'place' to please and obey him....thats his train of thought.

It took me a long time to come to understand him, what makes him the man, the dominant he is.

Master is an only child, his parents were both only children, he has no living family and he has never wanted children of his own and as such i think being as though im a parent myself, having children changes you, softens the edges, less selfish, its not just you anymore, not just a couple, the overwhelming feelings of love, nurturing and protectiveness that having a child brings out in you, having a tiny being dependent on you.

Master cannot relate to any of that, he can be very selfish, and lacks those soft edges, thats not to say he is unloving or uncaring, because he is, in his way, he just isnt very demonstrative of it, which can be difficult at times, for me.

I know he loves me, as i do him, but a difference is, i believe, is that his love for me is conditional, its my submission he values, my obedience, its the slave he loves, his words to me when i told him i had disobeyed him reiterated that.

A reminder of what i am, i am his property, owned, my body, the way i behave, what i do or do not do are his decisions to make, yeah sometimes it can be hot to be thought of this way, but sometimes the reality of what it all actually means can be difficult and on this occasion it wasnt hot, not a turn on, it was a harsh reality check.

Anyways its good to be back.