Thursday, 24 July 2014

Let the river run

I am not like a rock that erodes.
I am not like a tree that bends and breaks in a storm.
I am like a river, I flow, I change, I seek knowledge, I evolve.

I turn 40 next year, and how different i feel about this than i did ten years ago approaching 30, how my life has completely changed, im totally ok about turning 40, i cried my eyes out when i turned 30...yeah i know how sad!

Ten years ago, my marriage had just disintegrated, broken down, ended, i had piled on a lot of weight from comfort eating, junk food and chocolate, lots of it, i drank a lot, i wasnt living, i was just getting by, going through the motions.

I met a dominant (not Master) decided to take the plunge, it didnt last long, but it was enough to know that this was something i wanted, needed, just after turning 30 i met Master.

In my 20's i had my life sorted, married young, married for the wrong reasons(security for my son), i knew that then, but nevertheless i was so certain that it was the right choice, and it was going to work, i would make it work.

My career was my priority, apart from my children, but even then sometimes my  time with them was sacrificed and work was put first (im not proud of that) i was so sure of everything, life was good for the most part, no financial worries, mainly due to a large trust fund from my grandfather, undercurrents of feeling unsettled were there, pangs of unhappiness but i managed them as well as i could.

Until they become unmanageable.

My 30's, being with Master, is such a different contrast to my 20's, as im sure with most people, we do change, we grow, think differently, lifes experiences change us, hopefully for the better.  I have changed, im not the woman i was 10 years ago, i dont want to say better, but different.

But even now, i can look back to the start of my 30's with Master and where back then i was so sure of M/s, what it would be like, confident that what i thought was right about so many things, what a slave was etc......and now approaching my 40's much of all what i thought has changed, my opinions have altered, perspectives are just different, im much more confident in my enslavement than i was back then.

Still getting it wrong at times, still sometimes feel like im stumbling along, but thats ok, im content to be like the river.


  1. I've always really appreciated the river analogy - it makes so much more sense than anything more static. Plus - it never does stay the same - it changes upstream and downstream - our future self is going to evolve as much as our past self has. Which is as it should be, no? thanks for this.

  2. I had a hard time turning 24 because Tyler said I was in my mid 20s. I know 24 is silly lol. 30s were fine. I haven't reached 40 yet. I got 4yrs for that. I loved my 20s I definitely think different than I did for sure

  3. oh I am loving my 30s, so much better in so many ways than my 20s! Really looking forward to turning 40 (not next year, but the year after)

  4. I dreaded turning 40 last year but honestly I feel so much more confident in who I am.

    I too sometimes regret the sacrifices I have had to make being a working mom but its what had to be done. Its was always important for me to know that if I ever needed to, I could take care of myself and the kids. Unfortunate by-product of growing up in a situation where my mother couldn't leave my dad.

    And I truly believe, no matter how long we live M/s, we should always be learning. And being human, we will make mistakes along the way:)

    Great post!

  5. I like the river analogy, very true. I'm not the person I was in my 20s, or my 30s and I'm now approaching my 50s, I'm sure I will continue to evolve. My confidence has grown, but I'm still learning through my mistakes as much as I was in my 20s, I'm just not ashamed to admit it these days.

  6. I like your river analogy. Very fitting to ttwd, I think.

  7. I turn 40 in December, and I can't wait! My 30's have been both great and really hard. I'm looking forward to the next chapter in my life.

    River on.


  8. My life didn't truly begin until 3 months ago .. (and I just turned 48 a couple weeks ago) .. I am a late bloomer! ;)

  9. The river continues to flow; yes love that too. I too hated being 30, and each decade since has been better. I am 52 soon and can honestly say that things get better. We are more willing to learn by our mistakes, even if like me you seem to repeat them at times.

  10. I love the river analogy too. I'm not the same person I was in my 20s or 30s. We continue to evolve and grow and make mistakes sometimes. A continual learning curve.